Progress report

[Joemero]

Good morning friends, I now have 40 days in the bag...starting 41 today. My next goal is to make it to day 60. As I've mentioned in a different post, after day 14 I started feeling really good withdrawal-wise. But lately, the sugar cravings have been intense. Sounds funny, but I crave a pint of Ben & Jerry's at around 3-4pm like I used to crave a beer before. The problem is I'm feeling similar to being hung over the next day, and dealing with the headaches again.

Another thing I've been struggling with is that I get thoughts telling me that I'm not as bad as I thought I was. "40 AF days have passed by, that wasn't so hard to do was it? Maybe I can moderate to be social in business settings?" "I don't want my colleagues and clients to think I have a drinking problem or can't handle my drinking". Just thoughts that I've been struggling a little bit with lately. Also, I have done 40 days before during Lent, so my brain is expecting that "reward" I would get on Easter Sunday at the champagne brunch per se. Like I "deserve it" Hahahaha.

Sorry for the long post, just venting my thoughts here, and trying to stay strong.

[free at last]

Progress report

Dear Joe,
Stay with this AF journey. Turn those thoughts of "my drinking is not so bad..." into thoughts of "without AL, I am a better _____ (fill in the blank, "dad", brother, friend, colleague, race car driver....) You would not have worked so hard if you didn't really want a major change. You can do this.

[Samstone]

Progress report

Hello Joe

I know the routine well (and I'm sure you do as well)... if you do drink, I think you'll realize quickly that you made a mistake. The unfortunate thing about this bastard is you may realize it instantly but it will take another day, week, month, 6 months, or longer to pull the reins and with all the guilt, remorse etc that takes a ride with you. Hope you can avoid it. I'm pulling for you, friend.

Sam

[Byrdlady]

Progress report

Joe, I will ask my friend, NoSugar, to come by and share some of the science behind the sugar cravings you are having. This is normal. So many people on here swear by the L-Glutamine supplements (GNC) to help with that.
I posted something yesterday on another thread about the person feeling 'flat' around this same time.
If you think about it....we are really in grief over losing such a major relationship in our lives. AL was becoming the #1 relationship we were having....to the exclusion of our spouses, and family and our jobs!! It will not quit until it takes everything...as you know. So divorcing it is tough. The first stage of grief is anger. That's prolly when you came here....feeling like "I've just HAD it!" "I can't live like this" "I'll be damned if I'll be led around by a bottle". This is followed by denial. "maybe I'm not so bad after all!" "There are people on this site far worse than I am and THEY are doing fine". "If I can stop for a few days or even a month, that proves right there I don't have a problem!!" . The next stage of grief is bargaining. "Maybe if I just drink on weekends that will do the trick, that way I can be sober all thru the week for my job and such, and unwind on the weekends!" "I think I've got a handle on this now, I'm more aware of the problem....I WILL MODERATE." " If I just limit myself to a couple drinks at a time, and not every night, it'll be a win-win!" This stage is followed by Depression. This usually hits right around where you are now...30-45 days. it's a period of "now what?" Is this all there is? I've proven I can do this, now what is the point? The euphoria of being amazed THAT we can do it is now replaced with a 'so what' attitude. We don't know what to do with ourselves. This is where an awful lot of growth happens. I think our emotional selves catches up to our chronological selves. When we start abusing AL I think our emotional growth stops. We learn a new set of coping skills (escape from our problems instead of facing them). Depression takes some time to get thru, but once you are on the other side, it's like stepping out of a world of black and white into a world of COLOR!! The final stage of grief is ACCEPTANCE. While it sounds like you are throwing in the towel, this is actually the very best place to be. The voices in your head accept that you can't drink like a normal person ever again. That ship has sailed. Once you cross that line into addiction there is no rewiring that. NoSugar explained it's like riding a bike...your mind will take you exactly back to that bad place and worse. Once you accept that you are an ALK, and you take responsibility for it, the space in your head will be a much simpler and more peaceful place to live. Take the CHOICE of drinking off the table for good, and you will find peace. There is no going back for us. I've been on this site now for almost 4 years, I have NEVER SEEN A CASE WHERE IT WORKED! Never! And I've looked! I want it to work!! But here's the good news! Once you get some good distance between you and AL (and 40 days is great, but it takes months, really) you will see that you don't need AL at all, and you'll wonder why you were so obsessed with it at all. You will not having that longing to go back. I sure don't. This takes time. So please give Time, time. Please try to get it out of your head that you will be able to go back. This is the hardest thing to give up (hope is a killer here). In your drinking career, have you EVER been able to control it? Doesn't it always just get worse? This is a progressive disease...and one drink keeps it going.
I didn't listen to anyone about this, and it wasn't until my husband of nearly 25 years packed his clothes and left that night. Don't let it get to that for you!
You know in your heart of hearts what must be done!! Don't go backwards, only forward!!! XXOO, Byrdie

[Pinecone]

Progress report

Hey Joe, great job on 40 days!

It's funny you mention ice cream, because it does the same thing to me. I really try like heck to avoid it, but when I do have ice cream it's always at night. I have also experienced hangover like feelings the next morning after eating it, headache and lethargy. I think it is all the sugar and the heavy cream that is hard for the body to digest. As I result I don't sleep well and have low energy the next day. I would try cutting back on the sugar to see if that helps you. It's kind of funny, I feel like I'm learning how to "fine tune" my body for better results after years of abusing myself.

As for the thoughts, you know that's just a trick. The thoughts will ebb and flow for a bit before going away again. Awesome job!

[Struggles 106]

Progress report

HI JOE

Sounds like you are doing great! As I have recently fallen after nearly 8 months I feel a bit "disqualified" to say much.

This much I DO know-drinking is simply BAD. For people like us it is just BAD NEWS.
There is no getting around it, and I agree with Byrdlady. I think the described stages are there, and the acceptance is critical.

I am considering some new tools for myself. One is a list to have around at all times of some of the most hideous of drunken episodes. Not the least of which is the most recent one. It was truly a bad bad bad day. When compared to days of laughter, fun and clarity it was hell.

So please don't go there. It is SO not worth it Joe. I'm with you on the business/social
drinking situations. Personally I don't care what people think, in some ways. When I did a big business thing this summer in Vancouver people did notice I was not drinking. There was no demand for an explanation. Most people respect your right to live your life as you wish. But of course if you choose to drink they will certainly judge you.
And that is part of what we live with, I think-fear of judgement.
But when you look in the mirror each day it's you that you must face and accept and no one else.

Take care

[paulywogg]

Progress report

awesome on 40 days joe!!! i just wanted to say that usually for me everytime i hit around 30 or more days,i get mild withdrawals again,headaches,mild shakes,cravings etc,i think it might be post alcohol withdrawal? anyways eat your ice cream,stay away from the al

[Joemero]

Progress report

Byrdlady;1541673 wrote: Joe, I will ask my friend, NoSugar, to come by and share some of the science behind the sugar cravings you are having. This is normal. So many people on here swear by the L-Glutamine supplements (GNC) to help with that.
I posted something yesterday on another thread about the person feeling 'flat' around this same time.
If you think about it....we are really in grief over losing such a major relationship in our lives. AL was becoming the #1 relationship we were having....to the exclusion of our spouses, and family and our jobs!! It will not quit until it takes everything...as you know. So divorcing it is tough. The first stage of grief is anger. That's prolly when you came here....feeling like "I've just HAD it!" "I can't live like this" "I'll be damned if I'll be led around by a bottle". This is followed by denial. "maybe I'm not so bad after all!" "There are people on this site far worse than I am and THEY are doing fine". "If I can stop for a few days or even a month, that proves right there I don't have a problem!!" . The next stage of grief is bargaining. "Maybe if I just drink on weekends that will do the trick, that way I can be sober all thru the week for my job and such, and unwind on the weekends!" "I think I've got a handle on this now, I'm more aware of the problem....I WILL MODERATE." " If I just limit myself to a couple drinks at a time, and not every night, it'll be a win-win!" This stage is followed by Depression. This usually hits right around where you are now...30-45 days. it's a period of "now what?" Is this all there is? I've proven I can do this, now what is the point? The euphoria of being amazed THAT we can do it is now replaced with a 'so what' attitude. We don't know what to do with ourselves. This is where an awful lot of growth happens. I think our emotional selves catches up to our chronological selves. When we start abusing AL I think our emotional growth stops. We learn a new set of coping skills (escape from our problems instead of facing them). Depression takes some time to get thru, but once you are on the other side, it's like stepping out of a world of black and white into a world of COLOR!! The final stage of grief is ACCEPTANCE. While it sounds like you are throwing in the towel, this is actually the very best place to be. The voices in your head accept that you can't drink like a normal person ever again. That ship has sailed. Once you cross that line into addiction there is no rewiring that. NoSugar explained it's like riding a bike...your mind will take you exactly back to that bad place and worse. Once you accept that you are an ALK, and you take responsibility for it, the space in your head will be a much simpler and more peaceful place to live. Take the CHOICE of drinking off the table for good, and you will find peace. There is no going back for us. I've been on this site now for almost 4 years, I have NEVER SEEN A CASE WHERE IT WORKED! Never! And I've looked! I want it to work!! But here's the good news! Once you get some good distance between you and AL (and 40 days is great, but it takes months, really) you will see that you don't need AL at all, and you'll wonder why you were so obsessed with it at all. You will not having that longing to go back. I sure don't. This takes time. So please give Time, time. Please try to get it out of your head that you will be able to go back. This is the hardest thing to give up (hope is a killer here). In your drinking career, have you EVER been able to control it? Doesn't it always just get worse? This is a progressive disease...and one drink keeps it going.
I didn't listen to anyone about this, and it wasn't until my husband of nearly 25 years packed his clothes and left that night. Don't let it get to that for you!
You know in your heart of hearts what must be done!! Don't go backwards, only forward!!! XXOO, Byrdie

Thank you so much Byrdie...this is SO ACCURATE in many ways, i need to keep this post handy on my iphone to read over and over, as it will help me stay strong. :thanks: