At the bottom, looking up

[landsharkman]

HI everyone,
Like a lot of other folks, I'm new to this site, but I do not know what to do.
I just turned 56 and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I have a problem. This idea is not new, as I have been battling this a long time, each time I fall a little further thinking this has got to be the bottom, but no, each time brings new depths of hurt, depression, guilt and all the stuff I cannot explain. I have been on anti-depressants for about 4 years now, they helped tremendously, but not with the drinking.

I do not drink everyday, though I have to admit it is a struggle somedays, but the problem is once started, I cannot stop. As I read in another thread, the idea of "just one more.." is just that - an idea and we know that does not happen. I think I'm having a good time, I seem to laugh and enjoy things a lot when drinking, but when I get home and realize the pain I've caused, man is that a bummer that starts the inward downward spiral. But I seem to be able to conveniently forget about that the next time in a few days from now.

I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everything because of this and am trying desparately to stop that from happening. When sober this seems to be the most logical thing in the world, but my wife has had it with me and given me so many chances, I think I've used them all up and gone too far. It is the last thing I want, but here I am at the bottom looking up and no ladder ...

[tea]

At the bottom, looking up

Hi Landshark, welcome, here is the ladder, you have found it. Totally relate to your post as will others who will respond to your post. Keep looking in and posting. The first few rungs are the hardest to climb, you will be helped up each and every one with those who have already climbed and those who are climbing with you. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Lorna

[Popeye]

At the bottom, looking up

Hi landshark.
I was in the exact same positon not six months ago. Then I decided, like you, that something had to change.
It's tough someday's. Too tough.
I'm nowhere near where I want to be yet, but I can now say that I am geting there. It's not a daily battle anymore. There is hope for me now. And for you.
Everyone here knows what your going through.
I think you've just stumbled across your ladder. Time to start climbing.

[betty boop]

At the bottom, looking up

Hi Landshark & :welcome:

You're wrong there, your not at the bottom, just by posting here you are on the 1st rung ......

We are all here to help to pull you up, read the swimming pool post by Irishlady, it is amazing and will help you.....

The support here is the best ever, and we have all been where you are, my story is posted elsewhere about how I have turned my life round in just 5 months, without this site I couldn't have done it, keep reading the posts here when you feel like a drink, there is always someone here to help if you are struggling ....

Anyway, all the best, you CAN do this ...... I promise .....

Love & Hugs

[Beaches]

At the bottom, looking up

Welcome Landshark,
I am glad you found your way here. You sound like I did when I finally found this place. I was feeling so disgusted with myself I had no idea what I was going to do.
I still have ups and downs but not even close to where I was before. The people here are amazing.
Hey take that first step on the ladder....we will hold it.

[Arial]

At the bottom, looking up

:welcome: Landsharkman - interesting name!

As a scuba diver the vision of 'from the bottom looking up' is one of the most beautiful sights to see - you see the rays of light shining right down, piercing the darkness, though not quite reaching you yet - you have to swim a way up first to actually start reaching the light.

When I read the title to your post that's the image I immediately had, and I think you can apply it to your own situation (along with most of us here at one point or another!). You seem to have hit close to the bottom in the way you're feeling about yourself and your drinking, so turn around, look up at that light and start swimming. Slowly but surely, one stroke at a time and you'll head for the light - you just have to keep it in focus.

Moving on from metaphors to the more literal/practical - yes, we've been there and you're in the right place to finally take back control of your life and keep everything that's dear to you - you're amongst friends who understand and never judge, we're just here to help, share experiences, maybe advise, and listen - so read, read, read. If you haven't read Roberta Jewell's book that' s a great place to start and you can download it straight away. She has a whole program that can help you beat this using medication, hypnosis, health supplements, exercise - and this web site! - We don't all use all of it, infact some just log on here, some are taking other medications and supplements , some use kudzu and the hypnotic tapes, some are trying moderation, some have decided abstinence is for them - it is recommended that you do 30 days with no alcohol to give yourself a chance to start recovery and make decisions. You don't need to decide whether to moderated or abstain long term - you're priority is deciding how you're going to move forward from here.

You're wife is obviously also having a hard time from what you've said, could you share this with her and get her support? It may show her you mean business. Get the book or download it and then put a game plan together - can you stop drinking without medication/supplements etc. or will you need to get that in place before hand? Would a doctor's check up be a good idea? Do you do any physical exercise now, or is that something you could start?

If you want to stop straight away, make sure you keep busy during the times you would normally start drinking, or possibly keep away from those situations for the time being until you've worked out how you're going to handle it. And set your goals - as someone so wisely said (and it's worked for me), don't focus on not being able to drink - focus on not wanting to drink because of whatever it is you want to achieve - keeping your marriage, a healthy life, fun, enjoyment, new hobbies, never again feeling those gut-wrenching moments of embarrassment and regret, spending time with family...whatever it is, keep your sights on it - the positive focus I found was easier to handle.

So, sorry it's a bit long-winded - but the warmest welcome - really glad you've joined us and good luck with the start of your journey - keep posting, sharing and reading - look forward to getting to know you better. :l

[landsharkman]

At the bottom, looking up

Thanks to you all. For the first time in a long time I've cried happy tears...

[Mags]

At the bottom, looking up

Welcome Landsharkman - what a great name! I used to swim among sharks and got good at bopping them on the nose to make them go away. But that was a long time ago (and they were very little sand sharks and nurse sharks who wouldn't hurt a flea). Oh well, it sounds good anyway.

Arial has said it all in a beautiful post.

I'd like to be so bold as to give you some possible advice. You mentioned that your wife is fed up - so was my husband. This addiction we have is very hard on spouses also. For years, I tried to hide my drinking from him (yea, right, like he was so stupid he didn't know - I was the stupid one). Later I found out that he was so angry with me about it only because he cared about me and our kids and felt helpless - he tried but didn't know how to help me. The fact is that he couldn't help me until I started helping myself. But when I did, I still left him out of the process, due to shame and humiliation. Finally (thanks to my shrink) I asked him to be part of the process - to be my friend and support and to not judge me - just help me. Since then he has been a tremendous help and our love has grown.

Sometimes those who love us are angry at us - but also at themselves for feeling helpless. Perhaps you can let your wife read this website and even post herself and she will learn what a noble but sometimes difficult journey you are taking now. And she will also learn what nutty new friends you have ( I didn't say Lushy, did I?)

Best of luck. We love you.
:welcome: :welcome: :welcome: