What would you do

[moni]

A friend of mine organised a dinner for a few of us for this weekend. She organised it after asking me if we should all meet up for a night. I agreed and because I was busy didn't go into the finer details. She went off and booked a table and all she told me was the time and what night. Then today she sent me a link and it's a 'special' night in the restaurant with a set menu and wine served with each course etc. It's also a set price as a result and is extremely expensive. I pointed out to her that it's a bit pricey and she came back saying 'well, there is wine served with each course'. Now, she knows I don't drink anymore so I'm a bit surprised she's even point it out. I'm not sure what to do and don't want to be the 'awkward non-drinker'.

[NoSugar]

What would you do

moni;1543217 wrote: A friend of mine organised a dinner for a few of us for this weekend. She organised it after asking me if we should all meet up for a night. I agreed and because I was busy didn't go into the finer details. She went off and booked a table and all she told me was the time and what night. Then today she sent me a link and it's a 'special' night in the restaurant with a set menu and wine served with each course etc. It's also a set price as a result and is extremely expensive. I pointed out to her that it's a bit pricey and she came back saying 'well, there is wine served with each course'. Now, she knows I don't drink anymore so I'm a bit surprised she's even point it out. I'm not sure what to do and don't want to be the 'awkward non-drinker'.

Hi, Moni

That was pretty inconsiderate of your friend - I'm sorry you have to deal with this but AL is so central to so many social events, we all need to figure out what to do.

Even when I did drink, I drank MUCH less than a group of friends that I often would be with (who are wine snobs and spent more on a bottle than I would spend on 3 of them!), and so when we split the bill 6 ways, my share was always much larger than I would have liked or considered fair. I read in an advice column of all places, that when this type of thing happens to you, you have to decide if the "entertainment and friendship" value of the event is worth the price you are going to be paying. I thought that was a good way of looking at it and I began paying my "share" with much less resentment because I do value these friendships and socializing with them.

I know you are pretty far along this AF path but I don't know if you are comfortable in drinking settings. If you are going to be tempted to drink (because it is there, not because you've paid for it), I would not under any circumstance participate.

If you feel confident that you will not drink, the question is whether the other rewards of the evening are worth the financial price you'll need to (willingly) pay. For me, sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes no.

All the best, NS

[Miley]

What would you do

Moni

I have to agree with NS. First of all, it was very inconsiderate...especially since she knows you don't drink anymore. Having said that, I have been in this situation before myself. My Husband wanted to go to a wine tasting dinner for his birthday, where wine was paired with every course. I had just started on MWO, so I wasn't very far along....and of course I caved. I didn't want all that money to go to waste (I feel like an idiot saying it now). Anyway, if you have any doubt at all that you will manage to stay AF, I wouldn't go. It isn't worth starting all over again!

Best of luck!

[Wine-no!]

What would you do

I also think it was inconsiderate. If you feel you could go and not be tempted then you need to look at the price (as they obv would have factored the price of the wine in to the price) and see if you're willing to pay it. If not, I would remind your friend that you don't drink and so don't want to pay for it! Maybe next time she will be more considerate... I sincerely hope she is not trying to tempt you... I know when I quit smoking (15 yrs ago) other smokers were always trying to tempt me back...

[Lavande]

What would you do

Isn't it incredible how insensitive some people can be?

Moni, if you don't mind paying the full price, then go & just refuse the wine. Maybe your friend will finally get the message that you no longer drink!
Or, change you mind & don't go & avoid all the hassle

[Snapdragon]

What would you do

Hello Moni

I agree that it was a bit inconsiderate of your friend - however, I really think that people who don't have a problem with alcohol themselves find it hard to comprehend that they are being thoughtless. I had three months AF before I fell off the wagon again and on holiday with my husband and a couple of friends was astonished at how they made a blatant point of drinking - 'ha ha, we're on holiday lets have beer for breakfast!' 'aren't we having fun, lets drink Baileys all afternoon!' I told my husband when we were back home that it upset me and made me feel completely left out and he genuinely hadn't realised it would upset me. The reason being he thought that I had chosen not to drink, but didn't think it would bother me if other people do (which I don't if they aren't flawnting it in my face!) He didn't realise how much of a struggle it is to want a drink and have to keep telling yourself you can't have it - and he apologised.

I would personally call the restaurant yourself and explain that you would love to attend their Special Menu meal with friends but you don't drink alcohol. Ask if they have alternatives that they can serve instead (they may do AF cocktails or something) or if not could you have a price reduction. Then when you arrive on the night you can tell the waiter that you have made this prior arrangement. Because it's already in place you will be less likely to be tempted to drink too. Good luck

[girly wirly]

What would you do

Moni, may I ask how long you've been al free? If it's early days I think I would either drop out, or do what snap says and make a pre arrangement. Let us know what you decide xx good luck xx

[moni]

What would you do

Girly, I'll be 9 months AF tomorrow. I haven't been around much alcohol since as I've engrossed myself in other activities and returned to education part-time. I didn't expect dinner to be in a premises that serves no alcohol or anything ridiculous like that. I'm pretty flexible. I just would have imagined if you're looking at choices and the place is clearly doing a special evening with a wine to match each course you would immediately realise it's not suitable for somebody.

I've actually contacted her since and asked her if they have an alternative menu or a version of that one that take non drinkers into consideration. She asked if she should call the restaurant to check and I asked her if she could when she has time. I feel bad for doing that, I normally go with the flow but I'm pretty annoyed and don't have that sort of money to spare. Funny how I found that sort of money when I did drink
I probably now will be labelled the awkward non-drinker. I don't think it will be a problem for me to be around alcohol tomorrow evening but again, this was a precaution to ensure I can avoid it. It's funny how we have to be one step ahead to ensure we're not put in these situations.

[Wine-no!]

What would you do

I think it's a great idea to make a prior arrangement with the restaurant. I am sure they will cater for non-drinkers. Don't feel awkward - feel proud! X

[K9Lover]

What would you do

Isn't it sad that "special arrangements" have to be made for non-drinkers? Just goes to show how ingrained alcohol is in society. You're considered "handicapped" if you don't partake.

Good plan you have there Moni, don't over-think it too much, just enjoy the food and the company...and be sure to let us know how it all goes! :h

[nancy]

What would you do

what to do

Personally, I don't think it's inconsiderate of your friend. You aren't the only person there and she's planning for a group. These things come up even when there is no special menu. It's awkward to split things out because then you wind up nickel and diming. So let's say with a normal menu, you don't drink wine but you have dessert and an appetizer, whereas other people drink wine with no extras. Or one person orders a $30 entree, while another orders a $15 entree. What if you get a discount but some other people pay full price and only have one glass of wine?

I like the advice that you should decide if the friendship/companionship is worth it and you won't be tempted then go. Otherwise, I would have just said you are busy that night unfortunately and can't make it, but I guess it's too late for that. Personally, if I am going out with a group I do that for special occasions, like birthdays, and I expect it's not going to be totally fair. I will skip group dinners if I don't want to spend a lot.