Calling for help

[Nursie]

I have had so much sober time. But I give in when the going gets tough. I have been drinking for 7 days straight. I keep saying I will finish the last of the bottle and then I go buy more. Yesterday I walked to the liquor store to buy liquor. And proceeded to get more drunk.
I am grieving my brother and moving to a new house has killed me because all of my memories are at the old house with him.
I'm no angel, I'm not special, I can't do his alone and now I am detoxing.
I have a sauna and I'm going to start there.
I am crying.
I finished the vodka this morning. (Never ever have done that)
I am not a victim, I am better than this. I am hurting my family.

Why do I choose to drink when the going gets tough? Why do I not have control? Why do I do this to myself? It is maniacal. I am doing everything I hate and I don't feel like I can control it.

I am so ashamed.

I am not one of those people who start and stop and write crazy messages on here. I want to be sober. I want to take control.

This is me, raw and honest. And I'm glad I have you all to come to.

[Wine-no!]

Calling for help

Nursie, I am so sorry you are going through this. You know you can do this. It's so hard... You need to switch that evil booze-devil off.. You can do it. In a few days, you will feel back in control again. Big hugs xxx

[K9Lover]

Calling for help

Nursie :l

I feel for you. I know how HARD it has been for you lately, and with the loss of your brother. I wish I could give you a real hug.

I know you don't want this...but as alcoholics this is how we think we can "deal" with things...only we soon realize that we can never find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. You ARE special Nursie, you came back here which shows that you are ready to change.

Do NOT be ashamed, we have all experienced similar things to what you are feeling right now. I can't even count the times that I had to start over, or wondered WHY I kept doing this. Just know that things ARE better sober, you do know this because you've done it before. Please please hang in there. Take care of yourself today, and please stick close to us.

Love :h
K9

[MossRose]

Calling for help

Nursie - you don't sound crazy to me at all. You sound like you are in deep pain and desperate for relief. I am new here, but I can empathize with you - the shame, that awful feeling of losing control. I have always reached for the bottle during times of extreme emotional distress, so I completely understand. And as we both know, it never helps. It only makes things worse.

I'm can tell your grief is unbearable and I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that by coming here and asking for support, you'll be able to start back on the path of an AF life. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.

[broken halo]

Calling for help

Hi Nursie. It's horrible isn't it? Drinking in the morning wasn't something I ever did either, but on my last bender I did it for days. Not that I knew it was morning.

You know you are not alone. We are here for you.

My last bender was triggered by grief too, since then I have arranged to see a bereavement counsellor and also sought help online.

Please be careful with the detox, do you have anything or anyone to help you with that?

Please keep posting, and remember, shame is something you need never feel here. :l

[halfway content]

Calling for help

Nursie,

So sorry you are in such a dark place. I hope and pray that you can turn it around this very minute, and then the next minute, and the next. You can do it. Keep posting and keep being honest. No one will judge you, we know how hard it is to beat this addiction.

hc

[NoSugar]

Calling for help

Nursie :l

I am so sorry you feel so bad. I read all your joyful posts during your long AF period. I know that is the life you want and deserve.

One thing that has helped me when I've been tempted to drink is to come on to MWO instead and either ask questions or distract myself by responding to others. Of course I'm not telling them to drink so in many ways, I'm writing to myself.

Yesterday afternoon I had a tough 90 minute conversation and remarked to a friend here how I was clearly remembering why I used to drink. A bottle of wine sounded really, really good to me at that moment. Not a glass, a bottle - and that is the difference between us and those who are not addicted to alcohol.

She suggested I take my dog for a nice, long walk. I did and it was good for both of us.

Maybe posting or walking your dog or taking a bath or something like that can be something you force yourself to do when you are down and desperate for relief. It is harder than drinking but you know it's worth it.

Stay close, Nursie. Love, NS

[Pinecone]

Calling for help

Hi Nursie, you're right, we can't control it. We have crossed over into an area where one drop is toxic. A drink, a sip or drop will land us right back in the same spot. Then the pain we are trying to soothe is compounded by the pain caused by drinking: physical, mental, spiritual.

Posting frequently in the nest might help you get some immediate feedback and support. Forget about the store, you need to be here with us! We are pulling for you.

[Guitarista]

Calling for help

Hey Nursie,

I understand. I don't know how you feel, but i understand where you are at.
Now, don't panic.

Get yourself back to where you want to be bit by bit, slowly slowly. We all have our own way out of our boozing. Just do your best and keep heading in a forwardly direction. Don't forget nutritious food and water :l

G bloke.

[Miley]

Calling for help

Hi Nursie -

First, I am sending you a big hug....I can feel the utter frustration in your post. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are loved and we are here for you. Millions of people have this addiction and many have been able to beat it successfully. I read today that relapse is part of the process, unfortunately but the main thing is to never give up trying....you will get it! Pick yourself and keep on moving...one day at a time.

[Nursie]

Calling for help

Thanks everyone. I'm in a better place today. I took a hot sauna AND a bath. Hydrated and went my new town's grocery store and got loads of healthy foods and seltzer of course. Today I cooked my family a hot breakfast of spinach, onion, jalape?o and cheese omelets with fresh fruit on the side.
My new rental is a beautiful townhouse with fruit trees, beautiful flowers and shrubs to tend to. I have a gorgeous kitchen and am unpacking little by little.

Today we will take a walk around and meet our new neighbors and get some exercise.
One day at a time.
I love you guys and I am so grateful we have MWO to come to.

[Unwasted]

Calling for help

Nursie, I'm just wondering if you've ever thought of trying Antabuse? I haven't yet but have some and might try it in the future if I find that I keep relapsing. Since you're obviously in the medical field just thinking it might be an option?

Hugs,
UN

[Wine-no!]

Calling for help

So happy to hear you sounding more positive today :hug:
Breakfast sounds delicious and your new place sounds wonderful xxxx

[Darkest Diamond]

Calling for help

Am thinking of you as I am starting again again too!! You can do this and so can I. Your new house sounds lovely and how lucky your family are having you cook them that kind of breakfast. Sounds yummy!

[hadit]

Calling for help

Nursie, So sorry you are having a tough time. I have just came back to mwo after a few weeks of heavy drinking. I could have written your post. I am so disappointed with myself. So what do we do now? Lets try and be positive, take it slow and get back on track !! xxx