Fear

[Darkest Diamond]

I am really struggling but deep down I know I am coming to the end of this battle with booze. In the last year it has taken on a new grip, I now get physical withdrawals, where as before that never happened.... then I drink more to stop the withdrawals etc what a horrid vicious circle.

I am so full of fear, I worry intensly about my job, my family,and have a free floating fear...feelings of impending doom, then I drink to try and alleviate this, for about an hour it works and then it makes it worse again.

I am really grateful for everyone on this forum, it has helped me so much. I had a couple of days with no alcohol then last night I started worrying about going back to work, at present I am on holiday from work, I got myself in such a state that I drank excessively.

My triggers for drinking are now definately fear related, in the past this was not so when I started drinking I did everything to excess.... I exercised hard,played tennis at county level, I went to lots of parties, I travelled a lot and saw beautiful countries ...

The last 3 months have been a battle with myself.... all down to alcohol.

I am utterly determined to get better.

Darkest Diamond

[Wine-no!]

Fear

Hi DD

I personally think these fears (esp. impending doom) is caused by alcohol... I am very relieved to say that this fear has lifted already (after 12 days) and my anxiety has also lessened. Booze + lack of sleep + guilt/shame = anxiety!!

It will get better xx

[Kairos]

Fear

It's true what you say Wine-No. The fears are caused by the booze. But this evil drug messes with the mind. The fact that the fear is alcohol induced doesn't seem to help much when we're faced with the fear. You've got great awareness DD to have noticed the increasing intensity of the withdrawals. I applaud your determination to get better.
Have you tried to surrender to the fear thing? Let it wash over you like when you used to surf the urges. Everything passes. Keep telling yourself that all things must pass. Fear is a liar. Shout and scream and rail against the liar that is fear. It's a phantom. Keep telling yourself that love is stronger than fear.
K

[broken halo]

Fear

DD, I can so identify with that feeling of impending doom. Not only did I fear something terrible was going to happen, I feared I actually deserved it, which was worse.

Don't forget the chemicals in alcohol tamper with your neurotransmitters and just generally f*** up your thinking and your moods. When you get sober you will be more able to look at your fears rationally.

I have never been a fearful or timid person. I have always been positive and strong, AL took that away from me. Now I am telling him to feck off and let me be my own person again. Strong, happy and confident is what I should be and what I aim to be. And I am getting there, and you can too DD. You know you can. :l

[MossRose]

Fear

I too am very familiar with "The Fear." Mollyka - I had no idea there was an actual name for it among young, non-alcoholics. I wish I had been as aware back then of what AL was doing to me physically and mentally. Maybe I could have avoided the slow, lethal slide into alcoholism.

DD - I used to do the same thing. drink -> feel fearful and anxious -> drink more -> feel even more fearful and anxious.......it never ends. The difference is that now I put "drink" first as the cause, whereas before I blamed my fear and anxiety for my drinking. I had the equation backwards.

I am truly hopeful that as my body detoxes, I will no longer struggle with fear and anxiety. We can get there if we just do as Kairos suggests - let it wash over us, and wait for it to pass. Scary, but necessary, I think. Hang in there. xx

[Darkest Diamond]

Fear

Body chemistry and wiring

Thanks so much for all the responses, have read them carefully several times. This last year everything with my drinking has escalated along with awful physical withdrawals.

I think in the last few months my body has been confused.... three weeks AF at one point, two weeks at another, two or three days here and there. This is progress as I used to drink each night after work, and excessively at weekendsbut my body must now be so mixed up loads of alcohol one day, none the next etc.

Now at the beginning of day 2 (again). Now am feeling very low, that I have wasted the last few years etc, I need to forgive myself and concentrate on getting well.

I feel in a dark space today but I know that drinking would make it worse. I am still on holiday from work so am going to get active, go for a very long walk, then eat something lovely. (then housework.......boring but necessary) AA tonight

Happy Tuesday everyone.

[Kairos]

Fear

Hi Darkest Diamond,

You may think you're in a dark place- but there's a darker place you could be in right now.
You've chosen the right dark place. and not the wrong one.
What we all forget about the darkness is that it is always darkest before the dawn.
If you just hang in long enough a chink of light will appear and it'll get brighter and brighter by the day if you let it.
We're all with you DD.
Kairos

[Snapdragon]

Fear

I too can so relate to this post! Thank you DD for starting it.

It has never before been more apparent to me how much alcohol affects my mood. After three positive, happy AF months, I went back to drinking and have been so low and depressed, stressed and feeling that I can't cope to the point where I was seriously beginning to think I didn't want to live anymore. I know that this is ALL caused by alcohol. The doom and gloom begins at about 4am when I wake up after my alcoholic stupor with a feeling of terror and stress - heart pounding, sweating. I get up and go to work feeling like the whole world is on my shoulders and everything that is placed before me feels like an uphill climb and I can't cope.

By lunchtime the feeling of despair begins to lift a bit and the terrible depression gradually lifts a bit until craving for my next drink begins. Then I start drinking and it all happens all over again.

Today is only my second AF - but I feel 100% better in my mind today than I have for the last month. Alcohol really does change the people we are - in mind and body. I know for sure now that I want out of this.

[Gardener]

Fear

Hiya DD - I agree with everyone else here about the "fear". I experienced the same feelings, along with the many other wonderful symptoms alcohol has to offer, anxiety is right up there on the list.

I'm on Day 3, hang in there with me, and of course, with the sage advice offered on this forum, let's help each other get thru this, this is my second try and I'm determined to make it work. You can do it DD!

[NoSugar]

Fear

Snapdragon;1546462 wrote:
It has never before been more apparent to me how much alcohol affects my mood. After three positive, happy AF months, I went back to drinking and have been so low and depressed, stressed and feeling that I can't cope to the point where I was seriously beginning to think I didn't want to live anymore. I know that this is ALL caused by alcohol. The doom and gloom begins at about 4am when I wake up after my alcoholic stupor with a feeling of terror and stress - heart pounding, sweating. I get up and go to work feeling like the whole world is on my shoulders and everything that is placed before me feels like an uphill climb and I can't cope.

By lunchtime the feeling of despair begins to lift a bit and the terrible depression gradually lifts a bit until craving for my next drink begins. Then I start drinking and it all happens all over again.

Hi, Snap

I think you're right about this - I "knew" you during your 3 AF months and you were one of the most upbeat, optimistic, grateful posters in the Newbies Nest.
I loved waking up to your waffling posts (can it be used as an adjective or is it just a verb :H??).

It is no wonder this happens - AL is a really powerful toxin, including on the nervous system.

I'm so glad you are back and ready to do this permanently. You are so smart to be open-minded and really use every tool available to you.

:l NS

[sanchez]

Fear

Snap - understand exactly how you feel. That impending doom when you wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and can't put your finger on what it is exactly that you're worried about, so you worry about everything. On my last day of drinking on 8/7, I too contemplated no longer living and think now that my head is clearer, I realize how dangerous and deceiving al truly is. It's like a trojan horse coming into your life that disguises itself as a mood lifter, a gift, a way to cope, when in fact it's chiseling away at your entire being with every sip. How naive we are to let it fool us like this. When I first came to this site, I had in my mind that eventually I could be a moderate drinker at some point in the future. Don't think so now after reading so many attempts by others to do that and inevitably the al won again. If it weren't for this site, I'm sure I would have taken a sip by now. Thank you all again for the support.