NewBie

[Suesue]

Hi this is my first day here first post. I think I'm probably an alcoholic. I've struggled with alcohol fir years. I don't drink in the morning but fairly often during the week most nights I'd have a bottle of wine. I went off alcohol for one month in jan as I was giving up smoking. That went fine few sweats etc but ok. Still off the smokes. Most times I drink it's ok nothing happens. Every so often tho I drink myself to oblivion and go mental. Get aggressive and am insulting. Last sat I started on this random guy for no reason just starting verbally attacking him. I seemed to just flip. I have flipped like this more often lately. I was at a party last month and the same thing happened. Started on some guy. Next day I had to apologise but I coukd see alot of people were disgusted with me. I felt pretty low. I know I have a problem. I don't want to be labelled. I don't want the stigma of going to rehab and being that person who can never drink again. I live in Ireland it's part of our social culture to go to the pub. I don't want to ever feel this low again tho. Fear and loathing. I've decided not to drink again until I can be sure I won't flip out. I'm not sure if that's possible? Can I do it without going to rehab just by going to counselling to get to the root of my anger?
I'm a professional prob considered high functioning. My sister mother and friends are worried about me. They know I've a problem. I know I have a problem but I don't want to be tagged as an alcoholic. If I go into rehab I'll be tagged there will be the stigma and I'll have to be the person who's on the outside different cos I can't drink in vase I turn psycho. Can anyone help me decide what to do? I'm a good person when I'm sober but sometimes turn into an angry mean cow when drunk and it's shameful. I hate that person it's not me. I find I'm sleeping waking up with clench fists I'm tense stressed anxious and strained alot. I need help.

[Neddy Merrill]

NewBie

Hi Suesue and welcome to MWO. There is so much of your story that I identify with. Like you I hold down a pretty responsible job and how I have managed to keep it and my reputation intact is a mystery - as you say "high functioning". As I have heard said at AA "when take a drink the drink takes me" and that's what it was like for me and it sounds like you too. I also live in a culture where drinking seems to be part of life (Glasgow) but that's just your addictive voice telling you a lie. I never wanted to be tagged as an alcoholic either, but I'll tell you what: once I did accept it it was incredibly liberating. Stay around MWO, look in on the newbies nest where you will get lots of help, advice and support, and look too in the toolbox where you will find strategies to help. Good luck. Let me know how things go for you.

[sweetpea29]

NewBie

Hi Suesue and welcome :welcome:

You have come to great place with amazing people and resources right at the touch of a button.

Like you, I'm in Ireland (the north) and hold down a pretty responsible job. For years since my twenties, I had a deep down feeling my relationship with booze was not good nor normal, that indeed was 'alcoholic'. Due to fear of stigma, labelling, call it what you will I also didn't reach out or do anything about the drinking really, (did have a few attempts at moderation which all failed and ended with me back to where I started)until it got to the stage where I'd had enough of the self-loathing, the fear of being found out etc...I made a decision just after Christmas that I really wanted to totally abstain from drinking to allow myself some possibility of living a better more contented life.

This place will offer you much needed advice, ideas and support in how to go about quitting and staying quit, for me it serves like a kinda place to be accountable too. My friends and family don't know that I'm here, I haven't announced to them that am alcoholic- that's my business- they just know Im not drinking this past while and left it at that.

As Neddy says, stick around, read and read some more, you can post in the Newbies Nest or anywhere in fact- the Army thread over in general discussion has folk from Ireland, England, Scotland, USA, South Africa- you'd be made very welcome there Definitely check-out the Tool Box also.

Well done to you for reaching out,
just like to wish you strength and hope to see you about

[Miley]

NewBie

Sue - just wanted to send a warm welcome. You have come to the right place. Your drinking sounds a lot like mine did......most of the time I was okay but then I would just snap. The problem with that is, you never know when it is going to happen or what will trigger it. I wouldn't focus so much on labelings such as alcoholic right now. Society has put such a negative stigma on it that I can understand not wanting to be called one. Right now, maybe you could focus on going 30 days without it and see how you feel. For me, the problem just kept getting worse and worse and I was hating myself more and more. The phycological burden became more than I could bare.

Best of luck to you and hope to get to know you better!

[Byrdlady]

NewBie

Sue2, I was in the same place as you! (a rhyme!!)
I had reached the point where my hubs had walked out the door...I had been playing around with getting sober for a year (trying to moderate my intake) all the while my problem was getting worse. I either had to quit on my own or find some kind of rehab. I got serious about it right here on MWO. I glued myself into the Newbie's Nest (like below) and I have never left. I'm 2 and a half years sober now...and LOVING it! The answer is no, you probably can't do it alone, but with the help of this site, you can!! I did! This place saves lives and I'm one of them.
READ and post all over this site, you won't meet a stranger here, we ALL know what it's like to be that prisoner inside a bottle. Welcome aboard, I'll look for you over in the nest! Byrdie

[TJAF]

NewBie

Sue, I know exactly how you feel about being labeled. There is a reality to what you say and fear. While it is possible to do it alone,(that is what I choose to do) it would be so much easier involving people that I care about and can count on for support. This site has become that surrogate for me. The alternative to not doing anything though is pretty dire. It is only a matter of time that your drinking (as you describe it) will come crashing down on you. Failed relationships, DUI, personal health crisis, or worse will happen one day or another and the stigma you fear now will be only worse. You are on the right track in seeking help now. If you can, talk to your Doctor on the side. Withdrawal is a tough act and doing it without family or Doctor support really makes it easy to relapse. Been there and done that far too often to count. As for the social side of life there is nothing in the manual that says we have to drink when out with friends. Find an alternate drink and stick with it. After a while your friends justs accept that you dont drink. (found that out on one of my extended AF phases) Believe me it gets pretty entertaining when you are the only sober one in the place. Stay focused and you can do this. Life really is so much better AF.

[Suesue]

NewBie

Thanks for the support guys much appreciated. So did most people here just go cold turkey and stop or go to rehab? I don't fancy the idea of AA cos my cousin went and she's kinda turned into a holy Joe. This site is a great resource. I def think I can stop drinking for a while but I will prob end up going and drinking again as it's hard to imagine having the willpower long term. Did anyone get counselling? I'm thinking the anger and aggression must come from issues I need resolves that the drink masks or I use it to block out. Anyone relate to that? in social situations I can be shy and also drink to get bravado. It's hard to imagine being strong enough to be out there socialising without drink as a crutch. Mostly tho I wonder where this aggression comes from. Is it just alcohol or is it deep rooted pain? I did have difficult childhood parents broke up when I was young my dad my around but distant so I guess deep down I don't feel loveable. I don't like myself. I don't trust men cos my dad was always playing around on my mam. He has remarried to a woman my age they have two kids and another one on the way. He's a great father to them that hurt a bit to see. I'm also aware that I've prob left it v late to have kids and that's eating me up to. Drinking masks that pain. Went for counselling before but i don't think it has worked. I want to feel lighthearted and happy not anxious and stressed. I want to be loved but I will never be as long as I'm struggling with this self loathing. I should be confident people tell me I have alot going for me but I just feel deep down I'm not worth much. Writing it down I can see the issues are still there. I thought I had worked hard to deal with them but they're still there. So I guess I need to decide do I get counselling use this site or go to rehab for intensive help. Not sure. Sorry for long post. Good to let it out tho!

[sweetpea29]

NewBie

Hi again Sue

Like you I struggle with self-loathing and lack of love for myself, of course it would be great to be loved by another but I believe that will never be possible, for me anyhow, until I learn to love and respect myself a little better. Not drinking is only one part of that but a crucial part for me. When drinking I did things that would never dream off sober- things that left me hating self more and feeling more and more unworthy. Apologies as I can only answer from my own experience/perspective.

Why not try initially using this site? You've nothing to lose. It does not mean that you have to exclude counselling/rehab in the future. People here use many different methods- like meds, AA, counselling etc.. There is no wrong way to go about it!! Do whatever it takes and don't rule out anything. You say about wanting to feel lighthearted and happy, not anxious or stressed, well why not give yourself that chance? -yer worth it

Don't get me wrong, simply by not drinking life doesn't suddenly become a bed of roses, nor do crap tings stop happening to us, but in my personal and humble opinion, we are better able to cope and view life with a much clearer perspective.

Keep reaching out here and reading around. There are some very wise and stable folk about who will have much better advice than I

[NoSugar]

NewBie

Hi, Sweetpea

You might get something out of the Bren? Brown videos, in particular her 2 TED talks - they have been very illuminating for me. Another Big Thanks to Sunflower for the introduction!

Here is her website: Brené Brown.

Her message comes down to the fact that you are worthy and you are enough, just as you are .

All the best,
NS

[sweetpea29]

NewBie

NoSugar;1545750 wrote: Hi, Sweetpea

You might get something out of the Bren? Brown videos, in particular her 2 TED talks - they have been very illuminating for me. Another Big Thanks to Sunflower for the introduction!

Here is her website: Brené Brown.

Her message comes down to the fact that you are worthy and you are enough, just as you are .

All the best,
NS

Hi NS

Ah, thankyou so much for this:l- will check it out to be sure. Hope you are well?

[Darkest Diamond]

NewBie

My counsellor is on holiday at the moment and I am missing the sessions. For me this time round couneelling has definitely helped. I have CBT and that method suits me, plus this guy is a specialist in addiction counselling.

I drank like you for many years but during the last couple it escalated so that I was often drinking round the clock at weekends, during the week it was eves only, due to work the next day, but still quite dangerous amounts.

In the past AA helped me get sober and stay sober for more than three years. You don't have to be "holy" I am going again and enjoying it, am also going to try Rational Recovery to see what it is like.

Also posting regularly on this forum is helping me.

Sending you wishes for success in your journey to recovery.

[witts end]

NewBie

Suesue;1545692 wrote: Hi this is my first day here first post. I think I'm probably an alcoholic. I've struggled with alcohol fir years. I don't drink in the morning but fairly often during the week most nights I'd have a bottle of wine. I went off alcohol for one month in jan as I was giving up smoking. That went fine few sweats etc but ok. Still off the smokes. Most times I drink it's ok nothing happens. Every so often tho I drink myself to oblivion and go mental. Get aggressive and am insulting. Last sat I started on this random guy for no reason just starting verbally attacking him. I seemed to just flip. I have flipped like this more often lately. I was at a party last month and the same thing happened. Started on some guy. Next day I had to apologise but I coukd see alot of people were disgusted with me. I felt pretty low. I know I have a problem. I don't want to be labelled. I don't want the stigma of going to rehab and being that person who can never drink again. I live in Ireland it's part of our social culture to go to the pub. I don't want to ever feel this low again tho. Fear and loathing. I've decided not to drink again until I can be sure I won't flip out. I'm not sure if that's possible? Can I do it without going to rehab just by going to counselling to get to the root of my anger?
I'm a professional prob considered high functioning. My sister mother and friends are worried about me. They know I've a problem. I know I have a problem but I don't want to be tagged as an alcoholic. If I go into rehab I'll be tagged there will be the stigma and I'll have to be the person who's on the outside different cos I can't drink in vase I turn psycho. Can anyone help me decide what to do? I'm a good person when I'm sober but sometimes turn into an angry mean cow when drunk and it's shameful. I hate that person it's not me. I find I'm sleeping waking up with clench fists I'm tense stressed anxious and strained alot. I need help.

morning suesue how are you travelling

[sanchez]

NewBie

Suesue;1545735 wrote: Did anyone get counselling? I'm thinking the anger and aggression must come from issues I need resolves that the drink masks or I use it to block out. Anyone relate to that?
Mostly tho I wonder where this aggression comes from. Is it just alcohol or is it deep rooted pain?
Drinking masks that pain. Went for counselling before but i don't think it has worked. I want to feel lighthearted and happy not anxious and stressed. I want to be loved but I will never be as long as I'm struggling with this self loathing. I should be confident people tell me I have alot going for me but I just feel deep down I'm not worth much. Writing it down I can see the issues are still there. I thought I had worked hard to deal with them but they're still there. So I guess I need to decide do I get counselling use this site or go to rehab for intensive help. Not sure. Sorry for long post. Good to let it out tho!

:welcome:Suesue,
I'm new here as well, but the support on this site is simply tremendous and you'll find that everyone can relate to your story. Not sure I'm advice-worthy yet, but I can tell you what so far seems to be working for me. It's a combination of tools. This site, a counselor, family member support, AA - in that order.
Cruise around this site and read and post. It really helps to get things out. Everyone here is at different stages, different levels of awareness and as a result you'll get some of the best insight and tools with which to work.
A counselor that I've used in the past for marital issues is helping me to find the root cause of my self esteem issues (besides what al does to it) and the root of my pain and anger. If you don't see the benefits from the one you have now, then seek another. Just like anything else, there's good and bad counselors and some more equipped to help with addiction. Because my mom was an alcoholic and has been AF for over a year now, she is a really good support for me. She understands, won't judge and is of course my mom! AA is another option, but there are so many mixed feelings about its usefulness. There are numerous chapters in different areas, so you might check out a few to find one where you can relate to the people.
As for rehab - I checked out a couple of facilities, but they are extremely expensive and my insurance wouldn't cover it, and in hind-sight, it would have probably been overkill for my situation. I looked at places online the day after my rock bottom crash-landing, so was extremely emotional and depressed at that time too. Glad I didn't pursue.

Wine-no! suggested this book - The Sober Revolution and it's amazing how it parallels my downward spiral with wine. (not sure what your brand of poison was)

You're in a good, safe place here on the MWO forum. Stay around the Newbie Nest, there's lots going here that I'm sure you'll find helpful - I haven't ventured out much myself.
Again - welcome!

[Suesue]

NewBie

Thanks Sanchez. Yes wine was my poison too!
Meeting a guy who's an aa sponsor tomorrow just for a chat. My sister is really pushing for me to go to rehab. I too fear it might be overkill. Im afraid of always being labelled and the stigma I feel is associated with rehab. Part of me thinks rehab would be good to help get to root of drink problem but the other part of me fears it's not necessary and if I go in I'll have to tell work and maybe I'll feel like a failure. Sis does care for me says it's ruining my life. Cant say that but it has badly affected my life. the thought of life long abstince absolute never agin even a glass of wine out for dinner seems very severe. I do think thou the fear and scariness I feel from after a bad binge make me think yes of course I must never drink again. That's contradictory (yes never)shows my mindset. :0
Feeling better now nearly day 4.
This is a great site. So good to feel the support.

[Samstone]

NewBie

Sue2 welcome, glad you're aboard.
"Thanks Sanchez. Yes wine was my poison too!" Was is a very important word. Keep using it whenever you are talking about drinking. I like to think of quitting is less willpower and more of booze = poisoning. We are creatures of habit and there are plenty to replace the old.
Sam

ps: Sanchez, Sober Revolution a good book?
DD, interested in RR, read the book, visited their web site a couple years ago. Book was ok, very anti AA. I'm not a big fan of AA but I'm not into knocking it either, there's just no telling what helps people individually, there is no one answer for everybody, that's for sure.