A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

[Queenbug]

Hya...this is the 3rd time of losing my AF self...pissed off big time with myself because I had managed 349 days.....then got straight back into my bottle a day freaking stupid ways. Glad this safe place is here....just finishing a holiday...back to work Monday...Day 1 again...PAH!!!!!:upset:

[available]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Good luck Queen, you did so well so you can do it again. Day 5 for me and its a struggle but wishing you the best. Love this site so much support and understanding.

[Unwasted]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hi Queenie, I remember you from way back. Didn't we string some pearls? I'm impressed with the days you accumulated. Can you talk about why you decided to try drinking again?

Best to you,

UN

[Miley]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hey Queenie and welcome back

[Kairos]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Welcome back Queenie,
You managed 349 days last time and you must have learned so much in that time.
The best bit is you're back! Congratulations.
Kairos

[K9Lover]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Welcome back Queenie! :l
You are safe and loved here. I hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions...can you identify what drove you back to the drinking? And did you drink for days/weeks/months, or did you jump right back on the wagon? I think it helps the Newbies (and oldbies) to get a better understanding of just how cunning the Beast can be. Anyway, I am glad you're back! Stick close!
K9

[Samstone]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hello QueenB.
Glad you came back...
Hope you don't mind answering K9's questions... I too have gone long durations of time quitting, then back at it. Curious to see what it might be for you..... maybe it's those dang snakes in your head driving you crazy?!

hope you are doing well
Sam

[K9Lover]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

LOL Sam! Those snakes could get quite annoying! :H

[YouKayBee]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

HI QueenB good to see you back, 349 days is like wow so you know you can do it.

[Queenbug]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hello all...thank you for the welcome and kindness. I really wish I could say what/how/why I fell into it again...I have been thinking long and hard about it and I can't really come up with any one clear answer...for you all or even myself. It was the longest time in well over a decade that I didn't drink...and I do have moments of feeling very proud about that...but it automatically flips to complete disgust and disappointment with myself for just what seems like 'dropping the ball'. It wasn't anything dramatic, some exhaustion from work, stress and panic about usual money/rent/moving stuff, enjoying fresh good friendships.....just maybe relaxing my grip on the challenge a bit and thinking I could join in some summer evening wine drinking....which before I knew it ...back to a bottle of wine plus a day...until I went back to work. Have managed 2 weeks and still drank through the evenings, woke up at weekends ready to start again by 11am...have felt very rough and only today have I managed a full 24 hours without. Sorry I can't be anymore specific yet...not really worked it out. REALLY pissed off I didn't make the year : ((...glad you are all out there though...xx

[gambler]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hello Queenbug

I know Im kinda new and all .. but if you dont mind Im thinking :h for ya.

If you dont mind if I ask you a gentle question. I saw how long you have been AF.. and was wondering if you have been at it that long does it really make all the that much different ? I mean..how long would you have to be drinking to make everything go back to where you were at day 1 ? Or is it just more or less just a number that you were holding on to.

Im sorry if I was too forward on the question but I genuinely dont know.

Dave

[Queenbug]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hello Dave....thanks for thinking of me. I understand ( I think) what you mean about how long I did manage and I guess that to start with it was all about the number of days because that's the only way I personally could aim for/achieve a reachable target ...i.e. 1 day, 2 days, 1 week, 1 month - but my sense of getting through really did hang on how many days I could stay AF initially. I don't know why...but for me that's how it was. After a while, and I'm sure some hindsight comes into play here...things in my life did change. Not always in the easiest ways...but what was and had been happening before being AF had been easier to 'cope' with/fuelled/calmed/rewarded with daily doses of 1+ bottles of red...and stopping that eventually did help me think clearer, deal effectively and manage things differently. That added in a kind of incremental way to feeling that staying AF was best. I have stayed immensely private about all this, only really telling a few close people and just getting on with it...head down in a bit of a blinkered fashion I suppose. Maybe that's been wrong.
Anyway....my disappointment with myself really comes from two areas - just relaxing a bit and feeling that perhaps I could join in with sharing the wine - well it feels like I just re-ignited it all and I just didn't stop. I didn't do anything that embarrassed me massively on the outside...but it was almost like every fibre inside of me said ' thank god, finally....' and I just haven't been able to stop again....apart from yesterday.
So I spose what I'm saying is that I'm glad I know I could do it for almost a year...but to be AF again takes an energy that I'm struggling to find again and sad and disappointed as I am....and this will sound crap and I'm sorry...but I'm almost relieved to not be constantly be fighting the urge to drink by being busy, proactive, refelective, making healthy choices, sorting the chaos and being the person I want to be , staying positive, understanding the effect my drinking has on the few dear ones I keep close etc....it has taken an enormous amount of energy and courage...I'm tired, and want to stop fighting so hard.
Someone asked me what I felt I had learnt...and I think it's that this battle is exhausting....and I feel very alone with it...and when you slip back into it...it's just as hard as it ever was....but I've seen I can do it....so will pull myself up again hopefully soon and put myself back on it again...and not settle until I get a whole year under my belt.
I've rambled...I'm sorry...not sure it answers your question.xxx

[MossRose]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Queen, thanks for the honest post. First, I just need to say that 349 days is quite impressive. There's no doubt that you can do it again, but I hear what you are saying - it takes a tremendous amount of energy to get back on track. I hope that by coming back and getting some support, you can find the strength to start again and stay the course.

I have often wondered when the battle becomes less exhausting. I just want to wake up one day and not have to think about "not drinking." But you have reminded me that I will need to stay forever vigilant. I have entertained the same thoughts about "joining in some summer evening wine." I'm afraid my story would end the same way. One glass would turn into one or two bottles. Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. We'll get through this together, ok?

One more thought. You mentioned that you have kept this a private matter. I don't see anything wrong with that. I have confided in a few people - very few - and am content to keep it at that for the time being. You have to do what feels comfortable for you. That's why I spend so much time here. I can be completely honest here about my struggles. Something I can't do with many people in my real life for a variety of reasons.

Hang in there. xx

[MossRose]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

oops - double post.

[Wine-no!]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Hello, it's also my third attempt as you know. I never got to as many days as you though. My only thing to say is to not beat yourself up over it. You have achieved so much and have now stopped drinking again so you're on track again x