A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

[Queenbug]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Thank you...I appreciate your replies. I re-read what I said and worried that it sounded very negative and self pitying...it wasn't meant to....but I do feel exhausted from always thinking about it. I've been looking through and paying a lot of attention to what people have been saying about moderating and I think even through that long stint I still kept thinking that kind of when it was 'over' I would be able to drink 'normally' again. Now I know for definate that I can't.
I feel worse at the moment than I have done for ages...weirdly because I had been doing well and really appreciating the clarity and energy. But it's also true that sometimes the battle you have with what got you relying on/hooked on alcohol in the first place is still there...and just as frightening. In my case its a deadweight blanket of self destruction fear loathing and anxiety. I have come some way to addressing some of this over the last six months once I felt stronger....but now its all back and I can't escape it without 'taking the edge off'. I know it will pass....I won't sink...but massively regret taking that summer evening drink.
This is a good place and I'm glad you are all here :h x

[MossRose]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

You don't sound self-pitying at all. You are just struggling, and reaching out for help. It's a hard thing to do. I didn't see your posts as negative either. You are just being honest. And that's all good. I don't think there is an alcoholic on earth (myself included) that doesn't dream of the possibility of one day becoming a "normal" drinker. I haven't erased that silly thought from my brain yet, but I'm working on it. So glad you are here. Be kind to yourself.

[Queenbug]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Thank you Moss WineNo et al xx

[Queenbug]

A 'disappointed in herself' Queenbug is back

Right...that's it...back on it with new things learnt from my last stint at it and how rubbish I've felt these last few weeks....

1. Being AF for me isn't about just waiting until it's ok to drink again...sounds daft but I'm pretty sure that's been my mindset.

2. Moderation is a no-no for me....just starts it all up again and the grip on me is just as viscous.

3. To a point I have to isolate myself at certain stages/times....but I need to be open to the fact that I can't do it alone....want to...but can't.

4. My last stint at AF was successful in lots of ways and I shouldn't underestimate that.

No way could I have worked out any of that in my most recent fog of despair and disgust at myself without all the support and care from this community. Thank you so so much, I'l try to stay closer than I usually do rather than try to do it so alone. Every time I've returned over the years there has been this hug of non judgemental support...bless you all. Am here if I can help anyone in any way. Going to bed sober and steady

Onwards and upwards maties :groupluv: xxx