I had to really think about what I was thinking and why. Was I actually physically craving? I don't think I was. It was my old self, glamourising the drinking and smoking. Pretending to my sober self that I can't actually truly relax and enjoy my time off without my old habits. I imagined the smell of the wine, the taste of the cigarette catching in the back of my throat. I saw myself drinking it, finishing the bottle, smoking all 10 of the cigarettes and how utterly crap they would both make me feel. I went and read an article on the effects of smoking and drinking on blood pressure and decided a stroke or a heart attack would not be a good idea.
I didn't give in. But I am trying to learn as much as I can from the experience, I dare not become complacent. I am off to bed now, sober and smoke free, but really for a wee while there it was touch and go. I have to figure out now why I even thought of sabotaging myself like that. Goodnight everyone.
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