Feeling blue

[MossRose]

I've managed to post a few times tonight. I hear the desperation in the posts, the determination to stop this madness, and I so badly want to help, to offer encouragement, to let those newest to this journey know that there is hope, because I know there is. Then I ask myself, am I a hypocrite? Can someone struggling as badly as I am actually offer anything to the conversation? I always worry afterwards that I may have made things worse, or at the very least not been helpful at all. I know this is my anxiety talking, but it's very loud tonight and I am paying attention.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It's the main reason that I have been sporadically posting - unlike in the beginning when I posted constantly. I feel inadequate. This quit has been the hardest by far. I am fighting a bad case of the blues, and not feeling so well physically either. I am not giving up. I know I can do this, But it just seems like everyone here is so strong. And I'm not.

So now I have said it out loud. I'm not proud of this post. But it's just been tearing me apart. I look forward to the day, when I can make inspirational posts with a strong sense of self and conviction. I am sure this makes no sense to anyone, but I needed to get this out of my head and heart. I will probably be so embarrassed in the morning by this confession, I'll want to leave the boards. But if there has one thing I have learned here, it's that being honest is the road to recovery. No more running. Or at least, I'll try not to.

Thanks for listening, my friends. I don't know what I would do without all of you. Just a bad night.

[Samstone]

Feeling blue

Hey Mossy,
hope you can get un blue soon. Hopefully you're not coming with something. Sometimes you need to get out and do something fun for yourself and enjoy.
Sam

[MossRose]

Feeling blue

Thanks Sam. Don't know what's come over me. You're probably right. Maybe just doing something fun would help. I've been sticking pretty close to home lately. Feels safer somehow. No temptation, ya know

[Lavande]

Feeling blue

MossRose,

Sorry you're feeling blue but it's likely just part of the process
I'll bet we've all felt blue from time to time, it's completely normal.

Focus on yourself right now & getting some good AF time under your belt. Don't worry about anything or anyone else right now. In time you will be offering support to others, just not right now, OK?

Be well!
Lav

[sanchez]

Feeling blue

MossRose,
You have always been supportive and strong in your suggestions and help and I ALWAYS read your posts. Something fun like Sam says would help - or a mini vacation if you can do it. Not sure where exactly you are, but if you can get to some sunshine somewhere, that would be a good thing too. Always a mood lifter. Glad at least you're not tempted. Think of AllanKay's 15 minute rule if you are - or post again so we can talk you out of it!

We're here for you. Please don't go away - please. We need you here and you need MWO as well.

Hoping tomorrow is brighter for you. Let us hear from you - okay?:l

[available]

Feeling blue

Aww Moss i love reading your posts and maybe you dont think you say anything that means anything but to us it does. I think i talk complete and utter crap but just think if we can help just ONE person on here with one of our thoughts (maybe confused ones) and they feel the same then great.

It is Friday for me, i am struggling a lot i must say. Give into temptation, drink moderately (lol), I can go back to not drinking again (easy peasy), my AL brain telling me positives, my AF self saying "bullshit you dont want a hangover etc" .

I get comfort from knowing you and others post that i know since i started this journey, you are like friends. Like you Moss i would like to be an inspiration to someone and in our way I think we are.

Sticking around home, i'm bloody glued to the walls on weekends. You should see the claw marks on the door with me trying to get out ha ha.

[MossRose]

Feeling blue

I will definitely be smiling when I fall asleep tonight - which will be soon - because of the love and support I have gotten from all of you. Thank you so much. I felt like crap earlier, mentally, emotionally and physically, but now I am calmer. Lav - I'm taking your advice and concentrating on getting myself right. Sanchez - always good to hear from you. I thought Allen's 15 minute rule was brilliant too. Available - thanks for the laugh. "claw marks on the door." OMG - that was hysterical.

[sanchez]

Feeling blue

Sleep well MR!

[TJAF]

Feeling blue

MossRose;1552571 wrote: I will definitely be smiling when I fall asleep tonight - which will be soon - because of the love and support I have gotten from all of you. Thank you so much. I felt like crap earlier, mentally, emotionally and physically, but now I am calmer. Lav - I'm taking your advice and concentrating on getting myself right. Sanchez - always good to hear from you. I thought Allen's 15 minute rule was brilliant too. Available - thanks for the laugh. "claw marks on the door." OMG - that was hysterical.

Moss Rose. Don't sell yourself short. Your advice to me was well taken and appreciated. I'm told we folks in recovery have to be wary of depression. Glad your night ended well.

[little beagle]

Feeling blue

Mossy I have to tell you I feel that exact same way. There have been days I absolutely could not stop crying. Even at work. I think it's part of our healing process. It will pass. And probably come back again. But you can be happy that you are healing.
As for posting. I have do many brilliant things to say. Why can't I stop sounding like an illiterate hillbilly? We are our own worse critic. I enjoy your positive words. Thanks. And don't you dare leave us!

[NoSugar]

Feeling blue

Hi, Moss Rose

I've posted encouraging things to others at times I myself didn't feel particularly great about this whole business. But I wasn't being a hypocrite - I meant what I posted, even if I personally wasn't feeling strong and confident at that moment. My feelings didn't make the words any less true.

And as I tried to support others, I was saying those things to myself, as well.

Please keep up with your very helpful posts! They are good for everyone, including you!

I also think that posts like the one you did tonight are critical to this process - I've mentioned recently on a thread that acting like I was always fine is part of what got me into this mess in the first place! We need to be honest here and most of all, with ourselves.

I'm glad you are here. :h NS

[Kradle123]

Feeling blue

Moss I am so grateful for your post tonight. I have been feeling almost exactly the same way these last few weeks. I even wanted to pm a member I thought I may have upset....but when I read and retread my post to her I know I only meant to help and give support.

Your honesty is what helps us pure and simple. Letting us know how badly you feel r how good you feel is the VERY connection I think we all need. I know I do. :l

We all have such a hard time seeing ourselves..we always think the worse...at least I do.
.I find this aspect of getting well the hardest. Even harder than not mixing a rum and tonic or two or five every night.

Sometimes I feel inept and inadequate in my posts, as well as my 3D life

I'm not a Byrdie or a K9 or a Lav or other members who have clearly discovered their true strengths and voices and been valuable, bright beacons for us.
The raw honesty about their journeys is just the same as your honesty and they help so many people...and you do as well.

I didnt want to post today because last night just sucked and I almost didn't. But as I was reading I met several people who were really struggling today, feeling awful so I posted some of what I was feeling and what happened...I did it because I am determined to get some value out of this fricken nightmare....by creating some value...that's why you have to keep posting.

:l:h

[MossRose]

Feeling blue

Thank you all for your understanding. I did manage to get some sleep last night, but had vivid, disturbing dreams. I guess that's just one more way my body and brain are trying to adjust. So I am a little off this morning, but I have a busy day at work which will help. No time to dwell on these unpleasant thoughts. I was very hesitant to post this last night but now I am glad that I did. It seems to have started a new, and important, conversation.

I guess I am always afraid of scaring our newest members by posting about my struggles. But then I realize that it is just as insincere to make it sound easy. It's not. But it can be done, with effort and determination. And I think that's what we are supposed to be doing out here, encouraging others by sharing our triumphs AND troubles. Plus, your responses have reminded me that it is ok for me to be honest with you all. There was a part of me that was also afraid of disappointing those of you who have been with me from the beginning.

I have struggled all my life with anxiety, people-pleasing behavior and as NS so aptly put it, "acting like I was always fine is part of what got me into this mess in the first place!" Still trying to learn how to live a more authentic life. I think that may be the most fundamental key for me to finally get, and stay, sober.

Hope you all have a wonderful day, or night.

[Miley]

Feeling blue

Moss...thank you for such an honest post. I feel the same way from time to time. You have encouraged me to be more honest about how I'm feeling. I like what Lav said.....to take care of yourself right now and don't worry about anything else. I think I will follow her advice as well.

Hugs to you my friend....we've been on this journey together and I'm right here with you.

[lifechange]

Feeling blue

Moss, I have to agree with everyone here. Thank you for talking about your feelings so openly. I have often felt the same way and haven't known what to do--every supportive I've word written has sounded hypocritical, but I haven't wanted to bring anyone down. I guess it's probably good to keep the entire journey in mind-- all the ups and downs-- and to keep it honest. I think it's all important and valid and ok. I've only been here this time for the past 6 days, but I've looked forward to your posts. And even this one, which you didn't want to write, has touched people.