Amber's Journal

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Ha...I hear you! Our dogs find that the clean (warm out of the dryer) are the best places to sleep. And simple assume that I have put them there for them!

[Neddy Merrill]

Amber's Journal

Hi Folks, I have just read with interest the posts about not being missed if you leave. I am in two minds about that: it is pretty obvious to me that a whole lot of people really care about you here at MWO even if you are "anonymous", but I just found myself running out of things to say. Some folks have kept in touch via PM and I appreciate that so much and value their understanding of me and my outlook so highly. It's different strokes for different folks at a time that is right for you, I think.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Neddy - I suppose you are right. I think there is a season for everything...I hope that you'll find more to say someday. I have been soaking up so much from the people here. I can't seem to get enough right now.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Good Morning - Day 9 AF!!!! I am trying really hard to be more patient with my daughter and it's working (some) not all the time but some. Last night when it was time for her to go to bed...instead of rushing our evening routine (because she was getting in the way of my drinking) we took our time and I sat on her bed and read with her. I read without being in patient, without wondering how much longer, I actually got into what we were reading and spending that time with her. Of course now I feel guilt for being such a shit for the last few years...but that passes quickly. I would rather focus on the here and now and how I can be the best mom I can be TODAY!! The weekend approaches and this is probably the hardest time for me Friday & Saturday nights. But I made it through last weekend. One minute at a time if necessary. Just don't drink!!

[K9Lover]

Amber's Journal

I am SO PROUD of you! You're almost into double digits...keep it up girlfriend, I know you can do it! Weekends are just days...not an excuse to drink.

My poor daughter suffered through more "drunk story-times" than I care to recall. I used to "accidentally" skip a few pages sometimes too. Boy did I ever deserve the Mother Of The Year Award. NOT!

My daughter is 16 now and we are very very open about my drinking. I have asked her if any of my drunken actions affected her negatively (basically banning her to her room so I could drink, etc, etc) and she said she doesn't even remember it. I try not to beat myself up over it, it's over and we've moved on. You and your daughter will be fine too!

Keep it up...you're doing awesome!!!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Thanks K9!!! Yes - we've done the skip a few pages but she caught onto that a couple years back. LOL It's only funny because my husband would try to pull it too but she was wise to us.

I'm glad that you and your daughter have an open relationship...so important, especially in the teen years.

Happy Friday to you!

[K9Lover]

Amber's Journal

You and yours will too, I know it!

Yeah, the skipping pages trick gets old quick and they catch on! I wonder how many nights my poor kid had to endure my stench of beer and cigarettes as I read to her. UGH. Then I'd say "Ok, time for bed, I'll be back in a few"....only I'd disappear and hope she'd fall asleep. Gawd I hate thinking of this but it happened and I can't change the past.

I just posted in another thread how I used to run to the "little store" (already 8 beers in) and telling her I was going to get her candy (so she'd approve). Can you imagine if I'd gotten pulled over and went to jail and she was home alone? That's a call to my parents I'm glad I never had to make!!!

[3June2013]

Amber's Journal

Sake I've just come across your thread and it's nice to get to know you a little better. One thought that came up was how much of your bed time routine could be dealt with earlier? Not sure how old your daughter is, but could she pick out her morning outfit after school?

I used to fall asleep reading to my son. I was very thankful when he learned to read and I made him do the reading. He's 25 now and we are very tight. Sure he knows I have a drinking problem ( I could say had, but I think we live with this forever) but we're honest about it.

Congratulations on your progress, looking at triggers and root causes can on,y help!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

No kidding!! I'm so glad that never happened. So glad that's behind you (and us)!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

June - Hey thanks for stopping by. Yes, I am starting to get into habits of getting her to bed a little earlier. Her picking out her clothes for the next day. Eating dinner earlier etc. Little changes one after another seem to be helping. I am really glad to hear you have a good relationship with your son.

My mom was a drinker too and we ended up being very close. She died 2 plus years ago but I still miss her everyday. I don't remember the drinking stuff too much...just the amazing relationship we had as adults.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Took a nice hike today...went out to dinner...got stung by a bee...didn't drink!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Tired today..I ate crappy food all weekend. Back to low carb/no sugar as I think that makes not drinking easier. The weather is starting to get grey and cold. I have thoughts of "what am I going to do all winter long" LOL! As if the weather has one thing to do with drinking or not drinking. I know for me, I just have to NOT drink. No matter what mood I am in, no matter what the weather is, debt or not debt...stress or no stress. Just don't drinking.

Middle of day 12. Feeling ok but today has not been the best. Took my vitamins...need to drink more water. Too much coffee, but in the big scheme of things all is well!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Adding this to my journal - record keeping.
2 weeks today

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I can hardly believe that 15 days ago I was waking up with a horrible hangover..wondering how in the hell I was ever going to quit. It was always "tomorrow" or after this weekend or that get together, this camping trip etc etc. I am shocked and frightened at how different I feel from September 4th.

I will say that I'm happy today. Still have housework to do, still have bills to pay, still have to clean up poop (literally - the cat pooped right in the middle of my daughters bed!! But I can do it without drinking.

For years I thought I drank to handle stress. I lost my mom a couple years back and then I told myself that I drank due to stress and heartbreak. And then I drank due to stress, heartbreak and trying to deal with a headstrong brother. But here's the kicker, alcohol just made all these things 100 times worse!! I wish I would have figured this out earlier but it takes what it takes.

Life circumstances are no different today than they were 2 weeks ago..but I am different! I am not drinking, I am going to bed before 2am every night, I am waking up feeling DAMN PROUD that I didn't drink the night before. I wake up and drink a lot of coffee...I still make bad decisions (and good ones occasionally). And that's just fine with me.

Choosing not to drink has given me a feeling of hope that I have not had in a very long time. I know that each day that I choose not to drink is a huge victory and should be celebrated. I know that I'm always right there at the edge of diving right back into that pit of depression. I know how easy it would be to start drinking again. Which is why I am guarding this gift and don't ever want to forget how crappy it feels to be drinking/drunk/hung-over/desperate for change but completely unable to stop drinking.

I am very thankful for each one of you who has taken me by the hand and helped me to make it this far. I know that this forum has a lot to do with ability to reach 2 weeks!

A sincere heartfelt thank you to everyone out here! :-) I hope and pray that...I just keep going. I keep reminding myself, I don't drink...I'm NOT a drinker! That seems to be helping right now.

Anyway - Feeling thankful right now...really thankful!!

[K9Lover]

Amber's Journal

I'm so happy to see how well you're doing! Keep up your great work :h

[C-Developer]

Amber's Journal

I am so Happy for you Amber!

Reading your Journal is very inspiring.