Amber's Journal

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

:upset:Arrggghhhh!!! Where is all this anger coming from. I'm in tears right now because I walked into the bathroom to a total mess from my 8 year old daughter. I screamed at her, made her clean it up. Swore a blue storm and then started slamming things around. I just want to cry and all I want to do it DROWN all these freaking horrible feelings of anger and frustration in alcohol!!!! Just when I think I'm getting it together I blow sky high over a messy bathroom.

[available]

Amber's Journal

Can relate to that one completely Sake. I have a tolerance of ZERO especially to a particular work colleague where i just end up swearing at him, mind you he is a d**khead. Even with my sons my temper is short but hey its not everyday so that is good and gets better apparently. I think i have had the longest work week of my life wanting to kill people.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Available - Thank you for relating. Obviously this isn't really about the bathroom...but I wish I could gain control over my triggers. I feel so awful afterward. My daughter should be able to trust me and my moods. I'm trying to be gentle with myself but sometimes I am really disappointed in my behavior.

Well today is a new day. And I will try harder to be at peace. LOL! Good luck!! Available - at least your work week is over (or at least I think it is) must be Saturday down under.

[Icanwithoutacan]

Amber's Journal

I am frustrated and angry today too... At myself for not being perfect.... I want to drown too... But AL won't make my project better or me...I have to work on seeing the trigger and solving it without anger at myself or drinking ... It's life after all not utopia

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Ican - Totally agree! It is life and the real challenge is learning how to deal with it on life's terms. We will all get there together. I just really need to focus on controlling or rather channeling my feelings in a positive way.

[Kradle123]

Amber's Journal

Sake123;1561599 wrote: :upset:Arrggghhhh!!! Where is all this anger coming from. I'm in tears right now because I walked into the bathroom to a total mess from my 8 year old daughter. I screamed at her, made her clean it up. Swore a blue storm and then started slamming things around. I just want to cry and all I want to do it DROWN all these freaking horrible feelings of anger and frustration in alcohol!!!! Just when I think I'm getting it together I blow sky high over a messy bathroom.

Hi Sake:

I went short term ballistic twice on the girls yesterday - once as they were running like crazy poeple through the house screaming and slamming a door....they were supposed to be in their study times which I try to be sensitive too....

The second time was right before bed as they are in MY room (daddy's out of town) and they were up tickiling each other, laughing and they just WOULD NOT settle down.... It's 10:30PM. I have to be up at 6...Go to Fricken Sleep or go up to your own room!!!
Well...both times I felt terrible like you. A WTF moment each time...they are kids..they are just having some fun....but then I thought, 'OK. I gave them lots of leeway last night. Daddy's not here and so I've been pretty loosy goosy and they just ran right over me....'
So what I did was I apologied to them for screaming but not in getting upset with their behavior. Gave lots of hugs and kisses but I am really trying to make it clear that I can't go to one extreme or the other..in other words, i can't keep second guessing myself about reacting the gilrs 'enerygy' which belive me when I say is in the Stratospher alot of the times...

I am in the fragile boat too. I want to keep boundaries for the kids but I don't want to let my momentary mood highs and lows dictate how I parent...I think we will both meet in the middle with all this as we get further and further and further away from AL....

so....in a nut shell...I'm right there with ya! :l

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Kradle - Thanks so much for sharing this! It's so good to know I'm not alone. I'm trying, like you, but sometimes it just sends me over the top! I hope to find some good tools and tips to help with this whole parenting gig. The guilt consumes me at times. And other times I'm just a raving lunatic. There MUST be an answer!

Hugs to yoU!

[3June2013]

Amber's Journal

I think being a mum just means feeling guilty. We never really feel like we've done it right. But at least when we do it sober we are doing it with all our heart.

[available]

Amber's Journal

Hi Sake yes it is Saturday here and feeling great. I came home from work and my two boys had the house clean, to their standards but i dont care as long as i dont have to yell and scream at them. I think this week was the longest week in history but I made it without killing anyone, i am sure it will get easier.

The date went well and I have seen him again and will see him tomorrow. Things are looking promising but there is always doubt but AF is such a bonus and I am sure he would not be anywhere near me if I was a drunken idiot.

Day 28 here and not long till October and the start of 60 days. Cant wait really, i have never felt this good even with the ups and downs of our emotions and my sleep patterns. Will be glad when both go and hide elsewhere with AL.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

June - Thank you for the reminder. You are right...we are trying our best and doing it sober which is far and above better than how I was doing it.

Available - How nice to come home to a "clean" house. And I'm glad you didn't kill anyone..LOL! That's a bonus! Great about your dates going well. When we do good things I think the universe bring the right people to us. Have a great weekend!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Touching base with myself. It is day 33...I can hardly believe that! And yet, I sit here without a hangover this morning. What an amazing feeling to know that although I may be tired and my body is achy (too little sleep and too much crappy pumpkin pie last night) If that's the bulk of my worries and grievances, I will gladly take them and raise my coffee cup to me!!!

What have I learned in the last 33 days? I guess more than learned I think I would explain it as a debunking of myths. Alcohol tried to tell me for YEARS that I would be bored, lonely, angry and sad without it. That simply isn't true. I still go through all these emotions and don't know how to cope yet with life all the time. Ok, most of the time I'm an idiot and scream or cry or claw my way through life's challenges. But I live to see another day. I'm not perfect and there are days or moments (IE screaming at my child this morning - because she wouldn't get ready for school) but each day I seem to get a little bit more accustom to life as it is now. When I try to explain it in a word it would have to be "normal". It's not more or less exciting than life was when I was drinking...it's just normal. I get up, drink coffee, tinker around the house, scream at my daughter...but not as much. And I feel like I'm making some headway. What I need to remember is all of this is going to take time. And I'm going to have days where things are not so wonderful...but I try to remember that each day is just another chance to do things right. Learn new ways of coping. I think the prize on top of the cake is that life IS easier! This huge albatross has not crapped on my head for 33 days. Life will always have challenges and not so pretty situation that we all get to wade through. But taking away the alcohol has made me hopeful. And I haven't felt like this in many many years. So today, I am very grateful and thankful. :0)

[free at last]

Amber's Journal

Hi Sake,
So glad to read your post today. I found that by day 40 AF my thinking started to shift away from being deprived for not being able to drink like a normal person to realizing all the benefits. I still had moments when I thought, I'll get to 60 days and then I'll start to moderate. I really had to push through from days 60-75 to just stay with it -- I got on MWO out as much as I could and talked to my DH about the thoughts I was having. And then, around 11 weeks AF I noticed another shift. The benefits of being AF really started to become so much more important to me that the temporary "ease" I would feel by drinking that first or second glass of wine. All of this to say it will be a process, but I have noticed the thoughts diminshing with each consecutive AF I can rack up.

Stay with this, you have come so far.

[Kradle123]

Amber's Journal

HI Amber:

Was meaning to check in with you last night as I knew you started the Journal on the sixth so I thought you had 30 today! But you started 2 days in and todays the seventh!!
:nutso: I tell you that have been a dollar late and a day short all my life! On the AF front...that hasn't changed :H

You sound strong and focused. That is just awesome. :l
Have to ask of the Pie was from Costco. They have their Pumpkins out now and I always enjoy it. And for 5.99, I'm pretty much there

Hugs
:l

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Free - I love that you paid attention to the time line and thing that happened to you and when. These are good things to know and to watch for. Timelines might be different but I'm guessing that many go through the same phases. Knowledge is power!!

Kradle - Same here! Always a day late..dollar short! Don't expect that to change for me LOL! Oh, the pie was just from alberstons...wasn't really all that good either. Don't know why I did it to myself.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Day 41 - It's just been a little over a month since I took my last drink. It seems like YEARS! Which is frightening because I don't ever want to forget how I felt. I need to remember no one questioned my drinking...no one was "on me" to quit. But I also hid my real drinking from many. The only person who really knew how I drank was my husband who never saw it as a problem. Still don't know what that's about but...that's a mystery for another day.

Anyway - What I need to remember was how chained I felt to alcohol. Every morning...I mean every "day" when I woke up, I felt like crap, utterly alone, afraid, disappointed, angry, sad, trapped and desperate for change. I remember while drinking praying with all my might that this obsession would leave me!!! That one evening - I would actually have the resolve to not drink that I had so strongly that morning. But by evening my hangover was gone and even if it wasn't...all the more reason to have a drink to make that horrible feeling go away. I also want to remember how much better I felt after having that first drink. I need to remember that that "awesome/warm/relaxed" feeling was fleeting. It lasted for only a small time. And that time got smaller and smaller as the years of drinking progressed. I was drinking between 6 -9 (maybe even 12 on some nights) shots of vodka. And then when I felt that was getting out of hand, I drank wine..for about the last 2 months of drinking. Wine is much better on the system, yes?!?! Then I would take asprin every night before going to bed in hopes to ward of the insane horrible crapfest that was sure to hit me in the morning.

I don't feel as different as I expected. I'm not all the sudden jumping out of bed and whistling sunshiny day tunes. I'm still cranky and irritable. I'm still unreasonable and selfish at time. I still have days where things to go my way. I'm still sad sometimes. But I just don't drink.

I leave on vacation November 5th. I will be on an island that more than once I've lost my resolve. I started smoking again twice while on vacation there. This time my husband and I are renewing our vows. This time, I'm going and will enjoy a alcohol free vacation. I remember one time on vacation there YEARS ago. I spent 2 whole days in bed and barfing because I drank so much freaking vodka. When I did venture outdoors, I found my bottle on the stairs leading to our unit. How classy!

The loneliest feeling in the world is that hangover. It's like no one on earth understands what you're going through or the guilt of knowing that YOU did this to yourself!!

Alcohol is a liar and a thief. I don't want to forget that ever!!!