Amber's Journal

[Sake123]

Starting Day 2 of my journey. Do I feel different this time than last time? Not really...a little less euphoric, maybe a little more deflated that I actually am admitting that I do not wish to control my drinking. I drink to get drunk..end of story. All the times I have one or two is because I am putting on a show for the public eye. As soon as I get home or around people who drink like I do I drink and drink and drink. This cycle has not changed since the beginning and as much as I'd like to tell myself that I can change it. History and millions of other alcoholics that have tried to do the same have proved to me that I am not terminally unique. Any times where I have stayed dry for a week or two and then attempt the old, I'll have one or two has always ended up the same. A hopeful start that I can just have one or two and then quickly realizing that I don't want one or two. I want the whole damn bottle and have something lined up after that one is gone.

Of course I continue with the struggles or irrational thought patterns that sounds something like: I'm not as bad as so and so. I don't drink and drive. I don't cheat. I just stay home and enjoy some wine...blah blah blah!

The truth is, I know for me I need to stop. I'm depressed and when I'm drinking I'm thinking about when I'm going to quit and when I quit...I wonder when I'll drink again.

I'm afraid of the anger, frustration and sadness that is sure to come in the days to follow. I'm afraid of the stupid voice in my head that will tell me all kinds of BS - You can start again on Monday. Just drink only half a bottle. Drink lots of water and milk thistle then it won't hurt your liver.

I'm so sick of yelling at my kid because I lack the patience to deal with her. I'm sick of myself...I'm sick of the struggle and I'm sick of giving up. And I'm sick of having this secret.

So here I go on my journey. Cranky, tired, sick, sometimes hopeful and sometimes just blah.

[witts end]

Amber's Journal

i can so relate to you i would control my drinking while out but when i got home i would sure make up for it by myself

[K9Lover]

Amber's Journal

Great start to your Journal Sake! I look forward to more posts!

[available]

Amber's Journal

God Sake it feels like i wrote this and not you. There is never a good day to start I always thought and so i didnt until now.

I would like to add the no motivation that we have and we put everything off until tomorrow and of course tomorrow never comes as we are hungover again.

[MossRose]

Amber's Journal

Hi Sake. Welcome and congrats on Day 2. If you are determined to beat the beast once and for all, and it sounds like you are, MWO is a great place to be. Best decision I ever made. And it sounds like you have been down this road before so you know what to expect. But I promise, we will be here for you through it all.

Sake123;1552877 wrote: Of course I continue with the struggles or irrational thought patterns that sounds something like: I'm not as bad as so and so. I don't drink and drive. I don't cheat. I just stay home and enjoy some wine...blah blah blah!
This sure does sound familiar. I too used to indulge in this type of deluded thinking. It seems crazy now, but I was always looking for one more excuse to continue drinking, and comparing myself to others who were "worse drunks" worked for years.

But then there's this:

Sake123;1552877 wrote: I'm so sick of yelling at my kid because I lack the patience to deal with her. I'm sick of myself...I'm sick of the struggle and I'm sick of giving up. And I'm sick of having this secret.

I'm still a newbie myself and can't offer any sage advice, but I can hear in your post that you are ready. The above quote says it all.

I think the journal idea is wonderful. I did it for a while and it really kept me accountable. Now I am thinking it may be time to start my own journal again. Post often, and look forward to getting to know you better.

Moss

[K9Lover]

Amber's Journal

I could always find a reason to drink "just one more day"...I mean it could have been ANY reason and it made perfect sense to me!! I finally quit when drinking became harder than not drinking. Imagine not having to hide or have secrets anymore...that's a heck of a lot easier than trying to keep them. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but I'll bet she notices a big difference in you pretty quickly...and that's a great feeling. Take it hour by hour or minute by minute...just don't let the sneaky bastard Alcohol convince you that he's your friend...because he is NOT.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Thanks folks! I appreciate the support. I'm just going to take it minute by minute...hour by hour. And most of all, have faith in myself. Faith that I can do things differently!

[lizker]

Amber's Journal

I totally relate. The guilty, the shame, constant turmoil, the hopelessness..... Iam starting oved myself after almost five months. The most interesting thing i've noticed is iam not struggling with never drinking again.The thought of never drinking again held me a captive for years. Please hang im there and get several days or weeks and you'll notice how surrendering alc is quite doable.
Remind yourself everyday of things alc has robbed for motivation.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Thanks Lizker. It's such a devious trick addiction. I had 8 years of sobriety and had the best time of my life. I was never bored...felt and looked great too. Now, I'm tired all the time so why I think adding a depressant to my system is a good idea is beyond me.

I'm glad you're back!! I look forward to making some great connections on this forum and hope that someday I'll be able to help someone new along their way!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Day 3 - feeling ok. Somewhat disgusted with myself. I feel like I have been so selfish with my drinking. Like the only thing that really mattered was ME and how I wanted to escape my duties. Basically, I feel like I suck! But I am going to use this as fuel to move forward. And try to be a better mother..better wife..better friend.

[MossRose]

Amber's Journal

Sake -I understand how you feel. It's completely normal. One of the biggest impediments to getting sober for me was having to deal with my shame and regrets. I had so many. They seemed insurmountable, so rather than deal with them head-on, I would take the coward's way out, get drunk, and briefly forget my troubles. What I couldn't see at the time is that I was just digging a deeper hole for myself. Each relapse made it harder and harder for me to be a "better mother...better wife...better friend.

Yes, AL makes us self-absorbed. But that's not who we really are...not deep down. I can tell just by reading your post that you are not a selfish person.. If you were, you wouldn't give a rip what your drinking has done to others. That's not the case. Sake, it takes a while to forgive ourselves. I'm still working on it. But it's getting closer for me, and I wish the same for you.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

MossRose - Hey, thanks for your input. I'd like to think I'm not a selfish person...but sometimes, actions speak louder than words. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and try to make improvements as I go.

Heading into evening of Day 3. Went to Costco today and the grocery store and it seemed like all around me there was nothing but booze. I saw the big Costco size vodka and instantly was in a trance. I mean...it's Saturday night and at the end of summer. It's sunny, bonfire weather. blah blah blah. I know it's going to take time before my mind tries to play tricks on me. I just keep repeating to myself, "I don't drink"! And it sounds so foreign to me.

I have been watching these documentaries on late stage alcoholism and it's heart breaking and horrifying. I don't want to be that person - ever! I can't imagine a more lonely and miserable life. It's hard enough to quit now and most of these people go into rehab and die there. I must remember that this is a precious and very special gift. I can't let my guard down for even a second and never can I think that I'll start tomorrow. Maybe just one. It's a special occasion. I'm not that bad. Or I deserve it or I can't take the stress. Whatever it is that is running through my mind must just be able to run it's course without taking that first drink. I am praying for strength and asking my stupid ego to step aside because I am not a normal drinker, I never will be, never was and that is just the cold hard facts. I also try to remind myself that even though I don't believe it right now that I will enjoy life, feel good, clear headed and grateful with each waking new day...one step further away from the hang overs, the lazy stumbling, the falling, the pulling the shower curtain down, the falling out of bed. These things weren't a daily occurrence but come on, even once or twice is too much...the logical sober me knows this!! That freaking bastard, alcohol, would like me to think those things are fun. And just ok and normal for most people.

Done with my rant for now.

[available]

Amber's Journal

Very good rant Sake and god how many adds are on tv with someone with a glass in their hand and tv shows and movies and magazines enticing us alcy's to drink. FFS you dont notice it until you dont drink. They put horrible pics on smoke packets trying to get us to give up why not bottles of booze. Just amazes me. My brother went into rehab and came out and died three weeks later, his liver shut down. He was a 4 litre a cask man plus more and it was very sad, did not stop me though but i suppose we have to want to give up and I have finally, thank god, reached that stage.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Available - That is a very sad story. I am so sorry you lost your brother. No one should have to go through that.

Good point about the smokes vs bottles. The gov't and all entertainment industries (any and all) make so much money off booze. It's in their best interest to keep us hook. If we could learn from others before us, I guess this forum wouldn't exists. But I'm very thankful right now that it does.

[available]

Amber's Journal

Yes it is sad but he was very abusive also and we eventually got sick of the abuse and the stealing and the lies so we lost contact. My mother took it hard as the only way she could deal with his alcoholism was to stay away so it was emotional for her when he died. Me I just thought wont happen to me! Now i am thinking my god what if my mother lost me and i dont want that for her and i dont want it for my children either. I am sure there are lots of people on here that have lost friend/family to AL.

I thank my last 8 days on this site and waffling on and reading posts and learning and loving the support.