Amber's Journal

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

K9 - Once again you're spot on! I just need to realize once and for all that when these thoughts come into my head, they are not coming from a healthy place. They are coming from a self-destructive, self loathing, bullshit of a liar! I'm just keeping my middle finger poised and ready for such occasion! Maybe I'll practice on other drivers on the road! LOL!!!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Ok...not expecting much of a response on this one (I'm so bored with myself talking about it). Today I actually made up my mind to drink on vacation. I then prayed (sorry for being religious as I know that throws some people off) that I wouldn't.... that some how I would change my mind and have the courage and strength to get through vacation without drinking. I was even excited about drinking on the plan on the way there.

I'm just writing this down to get it out of my head. There's the truth. I know it's stupid and self destructive. My mind/addiction is so stuck on this pattern of "vacation" and how I don't want to not drink - like I'm being deprived. I know logically that this is nothing short of insanity. I know this...but I can't shake my feelings or desires. My only hope right now is that my mind and spirit will surprise me and be much stronger than I am feeling right now!!! I leave on the 5th....So I sit here hoping and praying for divine intervention and strength.

[Kradle123]

Amber's Journal

You've got us Sake- we are your divine intervention....well, that and your IPad

Try to simply focus on tonight....and then the next 24 and so on so you are never looking too far ahead. I find if I Look at it in small chunks like that and really become determined NOT to future Trip (which I love to do!!) then it becomes manageable.

But really sweetie, keeping close..posting...watching those rain in my heat Documentaries....aversion therapy at it best.
:l

Another thing which helps me is looking at my children, hugging them and then thinking about doing this with a drink in my hand....:no:

[Kradle123]

Amber's Journal

Heat=Heart...

[NoSugar]

Amber's Journal

Sake123;1552911 wrote: I had 8 years of sobriety and had the best time of my life. I was never bored...felt and looked great too. Now, I'm tired all the time so why I think adding a depressant to my system is a good idea is beyond me.

Hi, Sake.

What happened when you gave up 8 years? Was it a snap or a struggle to get back to where you are now? Most people say each time is worse - the kindling effect.

Frankly, knowing what you know now, I don't see how you will be able to enjoy the vacation at all if you are drinking. You may not have a blast like you think you did before if you don't drink, but I bet you'll have a pretty good time and you'll come home with your self-respect and health.

All the best - NS

[j-vo]

Amber's Journal

Saki, think of the 8 years of vacations you had to have gone on. Were they enjoyable? Why did you like being sober on those vacations?

I've never had a sober vacation that I can remember. Two years ago, I ended up in the hospital (we were at the beach). They had to call an ambulance as I'd gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night (after a night of heavy drinking) and passed out on my way back to my room. Fell, hit the wall, and knocked out my two front teeth. It sucked, totally. My son was crying, so scared for me. My husband thought I was dead at first. I remember coming to, and the paramedics asking how much I drank that night. I need to remember those kinds of evil things that AL has done to me. Vacations are suppose to be for relaxation and recharging. Hope you can get that divine intervention!

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Kradle, J-Vo, NS - Thank you for your input and for sharing your feelings. NS - It actually took years to lead back up to the devastating daily drinking for me. But I quit before I was a daily drinker. I was a kid still living with my parents when I quit the first time. So different circumstances. But the end results (quick or slow) were still a sad pit of despair in the end.

Yesterday was the closest I have come to drinking since I quit 58 days ago. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on. I mean ALL rational thought went out the window. I felt possessed! All I could think of how glorious a drink would be. There were no thoughts of the aftermath, no rational thoughts of how alcohol really effects me. How hard I've worked, the goals I have, the hell that I have been living in for years! I had these delusions that it would be wonderful, fine, great! And NOTHING was getting in the way of my one track death march plan to get drunk!!!

I woke up this morning (ok..not morning, NOON!!!) Yes, I slept until noon!! And while I feel pretty icky (have a sugar hangover - damned Halloween) I was so relieved and thankful to remember that I have one more day sober!!!

After hitting the neighborhood up for candy with my daughter and husband, we stopped by the store. My husband grabbed a bottle of whiskey and headed back to the cart. The look on my face must have been a cross between horror and a maniac poised to kill him! He went to put it back and I told him it's ok...buy it. He said no and then I was arguing with him to buy it! He didn't. But I really was looking for any and all reasons to drink. And when I made up my mind to drink on the trip, then I started thinking... that's 5 days from now! That's too long!! I want a drink tonight!

So, someone told me to start to retrace where these feelings might have started and why. Well, on Wed night my brother came over to my house and we had an argument. My brother can make me madder quicker than anyone on earth. He knows how to push my buttons and I fall for it every single time. Anyway - I think that may have been the trigger. Unpleasant feels were bubbling up in my and that may have manifested into the strong desire to drink.

The good news is I feel back to normal now. Well as "normal" as I would describe myself.

Today I look at the facts, I read the first few journal entries in my diary. As much as I would LOVE, LONG, PRAY AND HOPE that I could drink and have it be just fun, it just isn't the truth. Alcohol is nothing but poison for me. It was destroying my body and my God given right to thrive and enjoy life. I still feel that I have a long way to go toward being a healthy person. But for me to let that poison back into my life is suicide. It is making the choice to kill myself. Because that's what alcohol was doing. It was killing me.

[Wine-no!]

Amber's Journal

Hi Sake

I read this a few hours ago and have been thinking what I can say that could be of any help.

I am a few days behind you - I'm on day 48. Around 40 days last time round, I was preparing for a holiday. I had decided that I would drink. My wine witch convinced me that I should let my hair down and enjoy a few drinks on my holiday and then get back AF when I returned. I let her win and made up my mind to drink... Then I thought, well I am going to drink on holiday anyway so may as well have a few this weekend. I chucked in my quit at around 50 days. Went on holiday and drank like a fish! I even threw up one night which I hadn't done for a long time... I was drinking for England! Did it enhance my holiday? No!!! It took over....

The thing is, we remember only the good things about drinking and not how the buzz wears off and you can't get it back (after reading the RR book, I realise I was only ever drinking to get drunk). It was also not easy to get back on track of course...

A couple of weeks ago, I started to hear that witch tempting me again... This time about Christmas... Which at the time was two months away!! The witch knew if I decided to drink at Christmas, I would then convince myself to drink before that too - why not if I was going to drink anyway?

I now recognise this and have turned this negative chat off. You can do this too. You are already doing that.

Instead of thinking about what you will be missing by not drinking on holiday, think about what you'll gain. A clear head, no sleepless nights, no afternoon sleeping off the lunchtime holiday booze (in my case anyway). You can truly relax and feel good that you are treating yourself well.

I hope you decide to stay AF. If you are finding it hard maybe think of it as you will not drink on THIS holiday. There will be other holidays in the future - but on this holiday, you will stay AF. Every hurdle we get over strengthens our resolve and makes future challenges easier.

I wish you all the very best xxxx

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Wine-no - Thank you SO much for sharing your story. This really helps. The insanity that tries to drown any rational thought through booze. I really like your idea of telling myself, this holiday I won't drink..but if I want to, go ahead on the next one (and so on and so on). We don't consume alcohol...it consumes us!

Thank you again for responding...your story speaks to me, loudly!

[j-vo]

Amber's Journal

Wine-no, I have done this so many times! Oh, gonna drink then, why not start now. Logical reasoning IMHO. Good advice to sake.

[Wine-no!]

Amber's Journal

Hi Sake

How are you doing? I also meant to say that I have had some very realistic drinking dreams! So realistic that I have woken up in the morning and wondered if it had really happened! I think it's a good sign. I had smoking dreams when I quit and haven't smoked since (that was over 15 years ago).

I hope you're still feeling strong. :h

[free at last]

Amber's Journal

Sake, sending thoughts of strength your way.

[Sake123]

Amber's Journal

Hello Wino-no, Free & J-vo...hope everyone is doing well. I'm feeling pretty good today! Day 60! I want to thank everyone once again for talking me off the ledge. Happy Sunday Folks!

[lifechange]

Amber's Journal

Congratulations on 60 days, Sake-- You're doing such a great job-:h

[3June2013]

Amber's Journal

I'm out of the loop! Sake, 60 days? That's awesome! A real milestone! Bet you're feeling amazing eh? Who knew being AF could be so rewarding!