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my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

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    #1

    my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

    hi
    havnt posted for a long time,im to scared to quit al,but i had the biggest wake up call yesterday,i know my 12 yr old hates me drinking,especially coz i always end up going to bed,blameing a headache etc,etc...i find ne excuse to start early if im not working(but have also thrown sickies if i want to):upset:ive also lost countless days off work due to hangovers,im even in bed when her friends are here,she must be so embaressed!!!and theres cans everywhere found bout 10 empties under my bed!after one binge...ive been in cells,hospitals,fake suicides(pissed)had to have my ankle pinned and plated fell pissed...the list goes on!!!i hate myself
    anyway yesterday id said id pick her up from school,i do this so i know i cant drink before 3!as ive got to drive..but i couldnt wait to get a beer down me!(why???)i never know!!i make the excuse that ill start early and get to bed eary,which never happens!she saw me get one out of the fridge just i was saying my lame excuse,i turned round to see 4 of her friends there,she just looked at me and said i cant believe youve just done that mum,and ran upstairs,leaving me with her friends looking at me not knowing what to do,i wanted to die i was so embaressed!!:upset:i had no idea it upset her that much,
    of course i tried to turn it round with well its my house,if your friends dont like it..etc etc..knowing all the time that i just wanted to cry and throw it all down the sink,poor kid,shes goes to her dads sometimes and im making the time i pick her up earlier and earlier so i can start drinking,ive gained 2 stone given up all my favourite hobbies (used to be a fitness fanatic) i just want to get out of this horrible place,i just cant do it,im sorry for the long ramble had to get it all off my chest..becca x
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    #2
    my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

    oh god now im paranoid..im a good mum really

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      #3
      my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

      bimble - no one is judging you. Many of us here have stories just like this one. I do. I'm not proud of that fact, but it was also one of the main reasons I decided enough is enough. I wanted my sons to be proud of me. I wanted to be proud of myself. I'm sure you are a good mom, but just think about what a wonderful one you could be without AL.

      I would tell you to quit beating yourself up, but it's just the nature of the beast. AL causes us to do things we later regret, which leads us to feel ashamed and defensive, which leads us back to the bottle in hopes of erasing the pain. It's a vicious circle. But I can hear in your post that you are already aware of this and want relief.

      I am new myself, so can't offer any great advice, but just wanted you to know that you have been heard and we are here for you. Post often and honestly and ask for help when you need it. It's the only way to beat this beast. You can do this.
      Everything is going to be amazing

      Comment

        #4
        my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

        :l Bimble, Matt has seen shit that I have done point blank. And so have the girls.
        They all know I I live here on MWO now and I know it makes them happy and safe. Forgive me for asking but have you considered an inpatient for further support?
        I know that I have to Rely on 3D support as well and it sounds as though you are having a very rough time...

        You can turn this incident around. I know you can. We've all been there. more times Than i care to count.

        Stay close:l
        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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          #5
          my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

          Bimble, you sound like you are close or have hit rock bottom. Maybe this is it for you. Why don't you start an accountability thread and we'll all visit and encourage you. Whenever I have done that it's kept me not drinking for long periods of time. We are here for you and you are a good mom or you wouldn't care what your actions do to your daughter. Take care.
          Tipplerette

          I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
          ? Lao-Tzu

          Comment

            #6
            my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

            Hey becca

            I have been in this situation with my daughter loads of times, making promises to quit tomorrow etc.. Telling her its my life etc.

            When I look at her face telling me these things I really just wanna cry! Cause I don't really want to drink but I can't help it. But I keep a strong mind and hold it bk.

            That's what you need, to find that strenght. When ur ready

            Comment

              #7
              my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

              I know your ready for this.. Enough is enough right?

              Comment

                #8
                my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                Becca - It must have took a lot of courage to post this. I would never judge anyone's struggle. Alcohol makes us do things we wouldn't do otherwise. It's not an excuse for bad behavior but simply the truth. I can only guess that if you do decide to get sober, your daughter would admire this very much.

                I think that we must find that strength inside us...whether it be, angry, faith, pure disgust or a really strong determination to change.

                As for the reason you couldn't wait...it's because alcoholics don't get the luxury of "waiting until after 3" or what have you.

                Beginning day 3 - I hardly have words of wisdom other than to say you would never regret quitting.

                Comment

                  #9
                  my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                  Dear Bimble. One of the main reasons I quit was for my daughter. She knew when I was drinking and hated it. She also was scared that I would die. I was (am) a good Mum but the drinking was getting between me and my girl. I tried to stop many times over the years with varying success. now I have been sober almost 11 months. My daughter knows I am an addict and we talk about it. We talk about lots else as well.
                  She is now 15 years old.
                  I am so glad I stopped for her and for me too.
                  You can do this but you will need help. Keep posting here on MWO and check with the newbies thread as well.
                  We are here for you

                  Comment

                    #10
                    my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                    thank you so much,im going to read,read,read,on here,
                    and post as much as i can,x

                    Comment

                      #11
                      my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                      Treetops i have downloaded some eps of Top of the Lake and most enjoyable for a sunday afternoon thank you and the accents are fine to understand.
                      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

                      Comment

                        #12
                        my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                        Available - bit worried now that you might think we treat our kids like those in the movie! Don't worry its just a movie but there is an underbelly everywhere - even in beautiful places.
                        Kind of reminded me of Twin peaks.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                          Lol no not at all. I like shows like this. The scenery is absolutely beautiful. Episode 2 here i come. Makes u want to kill the guy that got the 12 yr old pregnant though and the father is an arse lol. We just shoot everyone in melbourne,, no crims left here.
                          AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

                          Comment

                            #14
                            my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                            Tree - You're so right...my drinking is open territory to talk about now...without shame or guilt...it's just something that happened in the past, that's all. The other night we were laughing and I was being a dork and she goes "Mom you're such a geek" and I said "But at least I'm not drunk!" and we both laughed. It takes time to get to that point, but it can happen. I know she trusts me now. She used to worry about me when she went to her dad's house, now she doesn't, and that's a feeling I can't even describe!
                            :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                            Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              my poor daughter,i wanted the ground to swallow me up

                              Bimble- just thinkin of ya and sending you some love. :h

                              Hope things are smoothing over a little.

                              K9, I love your anecdote

                              Comment

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