Day 5: While I?m fidgety and anxious, I?m feeling stronger than I have in months (perhaps years). My AL consumption has impacted every area of my life these past few years and while I have known this, I have minimized just how much. I made the decision to take some time off of work to get my personal life in order. This was a tough decision, for I feared it would free me up to drink more, earlier, but the fighter in me is resurfacing, and she knows what I need. My boss was very understanding and while he doesn?t know the exact cause of my absence, he trusts me enough to know that if I?m asking for it, I need it. I feel guilty for taking this time, another cause of anxiety, but deep down, I know I need it. I also feel some shame, thinking that maybe my co-workers know why I?m off, that my problems with AL are not as well hidden as I think they are but I have to maintain the attitude that what other people think of me at this point is none of my business?what I think of myself is really all I need to focus on.
I have been formulating a plan every evening for the next day?s activities and sticking to it. I?m keeping busy with the things that truly matter to me, my children, my home and my inner self. I got the keys to our new house yesterday and we brought over our first load of boxes after dinner last night. While the boys ran around, claiming their bedrooms and planning their media room set up, the previous owner offered me a glass of wine. It?s funny, when I first decided on this house one of the attractions in my mind was how lovely it would be to sit on the deck overlooking the lake at sunset and have a glass of wine. I politely declined the offer, requesting water instead, and sat on the deck overlooking the lake, watching the sunset, feeling hydrated and alive! It was easy?there was no hesitation. It?s like a switch has clicked over the past couple days and the thought of consuming AL causes more anxiety than no longer having it as an option in my life. I have booze in the house?gin?my second favourite drink and it is sitting on the buffet waiting to be packed. I haven?t even considered a gin and tonic. It?s weird.
Perhaps I have come to truly understand that booze in and of itself is not my problem but merely a tool that I learned to use to avoid dealing with my problems. For me, this is a very liberating realization and I?m hopeful because it was pretty easy to learn that booze made me feel strong and confident (to a degree) and in my mind, I know I?m a smart lady and can find other (more productive tools) to help me reclaim my life.
I?m smoking too much and consuming too much coffee but trying hard to drink healthy liquids and eat. I haven?t been posting much because chatting online and wine go hand in hand for me but I?ll check in daily for accountability. If I fall, this will be the first place I come?the support I have received here has been a true blessing! Thank you all! Anyway, I?m off to tackle my to-do list. I hope everyone is have a great AF day or at the very least seriously considering one.
Ciao for now? xo
I have been formulating a plan every evening for the next day?s activities and sticking to it. I?m keeping busy with the things that truly matter to me, my children, my home and my inner self. I got the keys to our new house yesterday and we brought over our first load of boxes after dinner last night. While the boys ran around, claiming their bedrooms and planning their media room set up, the previous owner offered me a glass of wine. It?s funny, when I first decided on this house one of the attractions in my mind was how lovely it would be to sit on the deck overlooking the lake at sunset and have a glass of wine. I politely declined the offer, requesting water instead, and sat on the deck overlooking the lake, watching the sunset, feeling hydrated and alive! It was easy?there was no hesitation. It?s like a switch has clicked over the past couple days and the thought of consuming AL causes more anxiety than no longer having it as an option in my life. I have booze in the house?gin?my second favourite drink and it is sitting on the buffet waiting to be packed. I haven?t even considered a gin and tonic. It?s weird.
Perhaps I have come to truly understand that booze in and of itself is not my problem but merely a tool that I learned to use to avoid dealing with my problems. For me, this is a very liberating realization and I?m hopeful because it was pretty easy to learn that booze made me feel strong and confident (to a degree) and in my mind, I know I?m a smart lady and can find other (more productive tools) to help me reclaim my life.
I?m smoking too much and consuming too much coffee but trying hard to drink healthy liquids and eat. I haven?t been posting much because chatting online and wine go hand in hand for me but I?ll check in daily for accountability. If I fall, this will be the first place I come?the support I have received here has been a true blessing! Thank you all! Anyway, I?m off to tackle my to-do list. I hope everyone is have a great AF day or at the very least seriously considering one.
Ciao for now? xo
Comment