Random ramblings....

[trinity8753]

Ive just started a thread just to let me pour out the ramblings going round in my head and ive nobody to talk to. Feel like i need to pour it out........

My head spinning around, i feel like crap again, i hate it. I have to get dressed, walk for my car and its raining. Im so sick of not remembering the end of a night, waking up panicking because i dont know what i did. Have i randomly text somebody something stupid? What have I been saying to people? How did i get home?

My friend came round the other night and i was drinking beer, i had a load of cans in and my boyfriend offered her one and she took it. I was angry..... angry at him for giving MY beer away. Angry at her for taking it. Its mine. What sort of friend does that?? shes my best friend but at that moment in time I was panicking.... she's taking MY beer.

Alcohol makes me fat, it makes me lazy, it makes me waste my days. Why keep ding something that just ruins my life? Why do i do it? Because i am an alcoholic thats why. But i dont want to be so what do i do? keep trying? Just stop? Every minute of today feels like a struggle.. My mind is racing, my heart it pounding, i feel very stressed and panicked. There is not enough room in my head for all the thoughts and the pounding headache. I feel like im teetering on the edge of a panic attack, only just managing to fight it off. i just want to lie down on the floor and not move..... I want to hide i want to make myself really small and just curl up away from the world. I dont want to look out the window, i dont want to look at the tv, i dont want to see anyone. i want the rambling to stop. I want to breathe properly, I feel like im suffocating. Rambling...

[Byrdlady]

Random ramblings....

Trinity....
I know that head you have today....in that last year, 2010, when I found MWO, I had it more times than I can count. Here's what you must do (not trying to be bossy, but alas). Hang with people who can HELP you, not undermine you if at all possible. In the first 30 days or so, we are just like babies with soft spots on our heads...and going out with people who drink mean we fall on our heads. We just don't have the SKILLS yet to cope with the Beast. He is STRONG, and our AL drenched heads are weak. BUT, here's what will help. Get your belly full of food....and set yourself on a task. Throw yourself into your job today and try and shut the chatter up in your head. It only has power if you listen to it. When you get in your car, turn the music up loud and sing!!! Did you see The King's Speech? When he first goes to that speech therapist he plays music really loud in head phones and has the king read something. When his mind was OFF of the problem, it was able to read it perfectly. Same thing here....the chatter is interfering with us....so do something else to distract that!!!
I know very few of us who has made it thru to the long haul on the first try....now you've had a real taste of sobriety, so I bet you treasure it more now. It only takes a couple of good AF days to be feeling your best again!!! My date below would be a full year longer if I had done it right the first time....I know your head is full of scorpions...do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF! Those voices will quiet down, I promise. Distraction, distraction, distraction....that's the key right now! There is nothing wrong with you....this is the power of addiction. Much love and admiration, Byrdie

[trinity8753]

Random ramblings....

Thanks byrdie

I'll keep trying, not giving in. I keep formulating plans in my head of things to do and each time i stand to go do something i just feel a wave of sickness, tiredness and sense of complete and utter disgust and depression hit me and give up and sit back down. Ive managed to go out and get the car and put the washer on. I cant believe im spending another day of my life waiting desperately for the day to end..... such a waste. I am alive, i should be happy, enjoying myself not sat in a pit festering away. Tomorrow will be better. Early night tonight and no al. no way.

I recall last night being in a social club that stays open late til the early hours with a "lock in" Basically for people like me who dont seem to think that staying out til eleven pm drinking is enough. I remember me and my mate were there and the only other people there were drinking heavily, smoking (they ignore the smoking ban in there) but what ive realised today is that looking back they were all by themselves. Each one sat separately drinking away alone into the early hours. i dont want to end up like that, i dont want to end up alone with al as my only friend.

[K9Lover]

Random ramblings....

Trinity :l
AL is not your friend. Would a friend steal your money, beat you up and leave you for dead? That's what AL did to you last night. That's what AL did to me for years! I realized I had to part ways with that "friend" before it killed me.

I can totally understand what you're going through today. I had SO MANY of those days. Sitting at work, trying not to vomit, wishing the hours would pass so I could just go lay down....what a way to live. That's not really living though. That's merely surviving the day.

The drunk texts and emails and not remembering my stupid actions and the anxiety it brought on the next day was finally more than I could take. There's one way to make sure it never happens again, and we both know what that is.

Take it from me and Byrdie..we've been there/done that. BUT...there is hope. If two gals like us can get it together (we're hard headed...no offense Byrdie...LOL) so can YOU!!!

Stick close. Get some rest today. It's a new day and a new chance at life. Don't waste it.

Love,
K9

[3June2013]

Random ramblings....

Trinity you're on the road to recovery, it's rough in the beginning but you know it gets smoother. Take it one day at a time. Stay close, we want to help.

[trinity8753]

Random ramblings....

Thanks your support really does help. You're so right k9 so is not my friend. It just kicks me when I'm down. I'll stay close tonight, I'm on my own for the weekend as he has gone on a stag do. Might just get a pizza in and have an early night. Fresh start tomorrow x

[K9Lover]

Random ramblings....

Get a movie to go with that pizza, then take a hot bubble bath and hop in bed with a good book. Throw in a snuggly dog and that is pure heaven!

Remember that AL is going to be mad at you for ending your friendship and will try anything and everything to make amends. Do NOT believe that lying bastard for a second...he does not have your best intentions at heart...but WE do.

Stay close!

[trinity8753]

Random ramblings....

That sounds like heaven! I love my son to bits but must admit I'm looking forward to putting him to bed and having some quiet time. Straighten my head out x