Hello everyone and thank you again for all of your support I dont really know what Im going to write so lets see where it goes.
When I first found MWO I was greeted with what I call unconditional love and friendship. I was not actually looking to quit drinking Johnny on the Spot like I did. But when I started reading more and more before I knew it I was on the AF wagon. Probably the best thing thats happened in my life for a very long time.
Many of you told me that you were looking forward to "getting to know me". After a short time I realized that I was ready to get to know me as well. So Im willing to take this journey together if you are. To do this I feel the need to really open up to you and of course myself so we all are on the same page. My intention is that by the time this read is over we will have a better understanding of who I am supposed to be. So if your still willing then lets go...
Quick childhood backround if I may : I was a very happy child. Loving parents (Hippies of the 60s if that helps). Fastest in school. A gymnast and an all around what you could call a Decatholon Kid. Sporting a good personality, well established moral fiber and character self esteem. ( 10/10 on the Hunk-O-Meter tee hee ). An all around good guy...Never had a fight in my life kinda nature. Loved myself and my life as a child all the way up through graduation. Ok...moving on to the good stuff..
It all started way back when at the age of 3 there happened to be...Wait no...it might have been 19 come to think of it (damn memory loss). Ok..at 19 Hurricane Hugo struck the Caribbean. My uncle had a boat repair shop on the Island of St. Thomas at the time. Much to his suprise there was for some reason a boom in business. Is a matter of fact so much that he called my mom and asked if we (my brother,friends and myself) would like to fly to the island and work on boats. I was at the time classing for robotics and electronics but dropped out for the opportunity at hand. Next thing you know im in St. Thomas living on board one of the (5) 60' yachts that my uncle had been maintaining for someone. I learned the trade of fiberglass repair and boat building/restoration in short order. Not only that but our Island Family all got our own damaged boats that we fixed. Mine was a 30' Catalina with no motor on it lol. So on July 4,1990 I set sail and eventually ended up in Granada. Living the dream at 19 is what I used to tell others. I got into spirituality heavy at that point. Learning and reading books such as Edger Casey, Kahlil Gibran, Richard Bach, KJV of the Bible and many others. Having established a deeper understanding of myself I took off on my own to conquer the world. Ups and downs and place to place I found myself being nutured by Life itself. So lets just cut to the chase and say that at one point I KNEW Myself at any given moment. Sure changing from day to day as I grew...but never lost track of who I was.
Crowd: "Ok OK...we All get that life was all great and grand for you Dave..Goody goods for you ! So Can we Please move on here...Im getting depressed !". Yes..just establishing for context here .. chill out guys.
Lets just FF this to some point in time Something Changed and not for the best.
Her name was Love. Yes you heard that right folks..Love! Now before you go closing the window or hitting that backpage button hear me out. I had already had the love for all people (agape love?) .. but I had found Eros Love. I had found a kind of love that can only be found between two souls. DEEP deep love. With it came a stronger empathy that what I had before ( I have always been empathic with others...almost to the point that I could not distiquish my own feelings from those of others ). After a while with her we became almost tied spiritually. I know this is going to sound crazy to some...but we could "Feel" each other over probably any distance apart. We knew what each other was feeling. ( Now here it is right here folks !!! I think this is where I need to take a look ).
Warning .. next paragraph might be a tear jerker !
So for whatever reason we got Too close ? Too entagled in each others feelings and emotions that we could not define or distinguish our own true Selves. At some point, like a Super Nova, we got so close that everything started to explode away. ( Im not sure if thats a good analogy but its gonna have to do ). We got torn apart basically. The Pain of our two souls being remotely separated could not be put into words so I will not even try ( some of you know what I am talking about and some of you think you know what Im talking about...For those that actually Know I am so so sorry and just know that there is Someone out there that Understands :h ) Lets take a little break right now and pull ourselves together ok
I Knew that there was no way that I could ever Ever get that close again to anyone. I lost a part of myself and she did too.
And so far I never have.
But something changed within my Empathy department. It was shut down due to construction there for a few years. But came back stronger than before. ( I think this is a key part for my AL using ) I was starting to find my center again..the more I found my center the stronger the Empathy took hold. Then almost at an instant..as if a beam of tightly focused light in a dark void was encompassing me. Kinda like a stage light tightly focused me. I FOUND Center again! Again this is going to sound a bit off the hook and I hope none of you call up my local coo-coo wagon but I could peer into the souls of others. Indeed I could look right through the Facade and the armor and the Front that others had tried to shield themselves from the outside world. I didnt even have to try. Actually it wasnt like "Looking Through" it was as if those shells were not even there. I saw the True Light and Love of anyone that I looked at or even thought about. Some people (perfect strangers) would be able to tell what was going on and felt Very uncomfortable. Others were oblivious.
Thats when I started Doping myself intentionally to be quite honest with you guys. No no.. I didnt have little voices inside my head lol.
Warning: might be another tear jerker
I dont know why..possibly that I could not handle being that spiritually connected with others because of my past ? I had not yet learned how to totally separate/block/pass through others emotions ? ..But IMO I started drinking AL to Numb or Block out those feelings. I never lost my core. I was still the person I was deep inside. Its that I became less and less involved with my Soul I think. Slowly I began to become a duality. I started putting up the fronts and the facades and eventually the the Dave of the past started to crust over. Not totally mind you...but enough. .. want to take a quick break again ? I could use one.
And thats were I have been for the past 11 years or so.
Now FF again to the NOW !
I dont want to bore you with all the details of my current life but lets assume that its OVER. Fate ? God? Myself trying to break through? Who knows really. I dont really care Why it happened but IT IS Happening NOW !!
Conclusion:
I think for me is its not about fighting to get AL Out of my life .. its more like I am trying to fight Against the Emergence of DAVE getting back INTO my life.
AL and all the other things/thoughts/emotions that manifested from it was a part of DAVE. So All of those things are going to have to go.. ALL of them!
This is more than becoming AF for Me. Its a Major life changing event that is unfolding that I have been fighting against for too long now...all out of fear. AF is only one Result that consequently happens to be a Part of this event.
I guess why I am here is to get help removing AL before its removed from me by force in turn making the process much more difficult.
I really do believe divine intervention is at play here at MWO. The profoundness for me is mind boggling that how easy it is for just a few paragraphs or sentences or even right down to a few words could have an extraordinary Life Altering impact on another. *snif snif*
I could have Never gotten even close to this far at this point in my life without you. Even those that were here years ago that left their legacy of encouragement is in play here. They never even knew that one day..years away..that a lost soul would be saved because of them. Its a very Spiritual Idea that I think is becoming harder and harder to find.
:h Thank you for being here for me..listening..giving me strength..and hope. I really do love all of you from the bottom of my heart. :h
Dave.
PS. I dont think this thread was ever intended on being submitted...but what the hell..if there is one just person,that at least enjoys a good story from time to time,then I guess its worth it.
When I first found MWO I was greeted with what I call unconditional love and friendship. I was not actually looking to quit drinking Johnny on the Spot like I did. But when I started reading more and more before I knew it I was on the AF wagon. Probably the best thing thats happened in my life for a very long time.
Many of you told me that you were looking forward to "getting to know me". After a short time I realized that I was ready to get to know me as well. So Im willing to take this journey together if you are. To do this I feel the need to really open up to you and of course myself so we all are on the same page. My intention is that by the time this read is over we will have a better understanding of who I am supposed to be. So if your still willing then lets go...
Quick childhood backround if I may : I was a very happy child. Loving parents (Hippies of the 60s if that helps). Fastest in school. A gymnast and an all around what you could call a Decatholon Kid. Sporting a good personality, well established moral fiber and character self esteem. ( 10/10 on the Hunk-O-Meter tee hee ). An all around good guy...Never had a fight in my life kinda nature. Loved myself and my life as a child all the way up through graduation. Ok...moving on to the good stuff..
It all started way back when at the age of 3 there happened to be...Wait no...it might have been 19 come to think of it (damn memory loss). Ok..at 19 Hurricane Hugo struck the Caribbean. My uncle had a boat repair shop on the Island of St. Thomas at the time. Much to his suprise there was for some reason a boom in business. Is a matter of fact so much that he called my mom and asked if we (my brother,friends and myself) would like to fly to the island and work on boats. I was at the time classing for robotics and electronics but dropped out for the opportunity at hand. Next thing you know im in St. Thomas living on board one of the (5) 60' yachts that my uncle had been maintaining for someone. I learned the trade of fiberglass repair and boat building/restoration in short order. Not only that but our Island Family all got our own damaged boats that we fixed. Mine was a 30' Catalina with no motor on it lol. So on July 4,1990 I set sail and eventually ended up in Granada. Living the dream at 19 is what I used to tell others. I got into spirituality heavy at that point. Learning and reading books such as Edger Casey, Kahlil Gibran, Richard Bach, KJV of the Bible and many others. Having established a deeper understanding of myself I took off on my own to conquer the world. Ups and downs and place to place I found myself being nutured by Life itself. So lets just cut to the chase and say that at one point I KNEW Myself at any given moment. Sure changing from day to day as I grew...but never lost track of who I was.
Crowd: "Ok OK...we All get that life was all great and grand for you Dave..Goody goods for you ! So Can we Please move on here...Im getting depressed !". Yes..just establishing for context here .. chill out guys.
Lets just FF this to some point in time Something Changed and not for the best.
Her name was Love. Yes you heard that right folks..Love! Now before you go closing the window or hitting that backpage button hear me out. I had already had the love for all people (agape love?) .. but I had found Eros Love. I had found a kind of love that can only be found between two souls. DEEP deep love. With it came a stronger empathy that what I had before ( I have always been empathic with others...almost to the point that I could not distiquish my own feelings from those of others ). After a while with her we became almost tied spiritually. I know this is going to sound crazy to some...but we could "Feel" each other over probably any distance apart. We knew what each other was feeling. ( Now here it is right here folks !!! I think this is where I need to take a look ).
Warning .. next paragraph might be a tear jerker !
So for whatever reason we got Too close ? Too entagled in each others feelings and emotions that we could not define or distinguish our own true Selves. At some point, like a Super Nova, we got so close that everything started to explode away. ( Im not sure if thats a good analogy but its gonna have to do ). We got torn apart basically. The Pain of our two souls being remotely separated could not be put into words so I will not even try ( some of you know what I am talking about and some of you think you know what Im talking about...For those that actually Know I am so so sorry and just know that there is Someone out there that Understands :h ) Lets take a little break right now and pull ourselves together ok
I Knew that there was no way that I could ever Ever get that close again to anyone. I lost a part of myself and she did too.
And so far I never have.
But something changed within my Empathy department. It was shut down due to construction there for a few years. But came back stronger than before. ( I think this is a key part for my AL using ) I was starting to find my center again..the more I found my center the stronger the Empathy took hold. Then almost at an instant..as if a beam of tightly focused light in a dark void was encompassing me. Kinda like a stage light tightly focused me. I FOUND Center again! Again this is going to sound a bit off the hook and I hope none of you call up my local coo-coo wagon but I could peer into the souls of others. Indeed I could look right through the Facade and the armor and the Front that others had tried to shield themselves from the outside world. I didnt even have to try. Actually it wasnt like "Looking Through" it was as if those shells were not even there. I saw the True Light and Love of anyone that I looked at or even thought about. Some people (perfect strangers) would be able to tell what was going on and felt Very uncomfortable. Others were oblivious.
Thats when I started Doping myself intentionally to be quite honest with you guys. No no.. I didnt have little voices inside my head lol.
Warning: might be another tear jerker
I dont know why..possibly that I could not handle being that spiritually connected with others because of my past ? I had not yet learned how to totally separate/block/pass through others emotions ? ..But IMO I started drinking AL to Numb or Block out those feelings. I never lost my core. I was still the person I was deep inside. Its that I became less and less involved with my Soul I think. Slowly I began to become a duality. I started putting up the fronts and the facades and eventually the the Dave of the past started to crust over. Not totally mind you...but enough. .. want to take a quick break again ? I could use one.
And thats were I have been for the past 11 years or so.
Now FF again to the NOW !
I dont want to bore you with all the details of my current life but lets assume that its OVER. Fate ? God? Myself trying to break through? Who knows really. I dont really care Why it happened but IT IS Happening NOW !!
Conclusion:
I think for me is its not about fighting to get AL Out of my life .. its more like I am trying to fight Against the Emergence of DAVE getting back INTO my life.
AL and all the other things/thoughts/emotions that manifested from it was a part of DAVE. So All of those things are going to have to go.. ALL of them!
This is more than becoming AF for Me. Its a Major life changing event that is unfolding that I have been fighting against for too long now...all out of fear. AF is only one Result that consequently happens to be a Part of this event.
I guess why I am here is to get help removing AL before its removed from me by force in turn making the process much more difficult.
I really do believe divine intervention is at play here at MWO. The profoundness for me is mind boggling that how easy it is for just a few paragraphs or sentences or even right down to a few words could have an extraordinary Life Altering impact on another. *snif snif*
I could have Never gotten even close to this far at this point in my life without you. Even those that were here years ago that left their legacy of encouragement is in play here. They never even knew that one day..years away..that a lost soul would be saved because of them. Its a very Spiritual Idea that I think is becoming harder and harder to find.
:h Thank you for being here for me..listening..giving me strength..and hope. I really do love all of you from the bottom of my heart. :h
Dave.
PS. I dont think this thread was ever intended on being submitted...but what the hell..if there is one just person,that at least enjoys a good story from time to time,then I guess its worth it.
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