No - I need to do this

[MossRose]

I deleted my earlier post because I am a coward. But I need help. So I am reposting. My son just screamed at me and walked out. Obviously still angry about my drinking years. I took a real lashing tonight. Deserved it, but totally unexpected. I feel like sh*t right now.

[3June2013]

No - I need to do this

Oh Moss, I'm sorry, I really don't know any of your history, but what I know of you here is that you are incredibly supportive, and generous with your time. Any chance your son is going though something totally unrelated and lashing out at you?

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

3J - thanks for the kind words, but he made it extremely clear. It was me. I am so depressed right now.

[3June2013]

No - I need to do this

Well Moss I hope you're able to talk things over a little more calmly in the morning? He walked out as in he went out?

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

He's a young adult (23) but still lives with me. So he will be ok. He is probably on his way to a friend's house. But I am devastated.

[3June2013]

No - I need to do this

I have a 25 yr old who is living with me right now. He has his moments. Did something set off your son? I don't want to pry, but if I can help at all I'd like to.

[C-Developer]

No - I need to do this

Rose,

Since I am only a few years older than your son, perhaps I can shed some limited light. I used to have the most intense screaming matches imaginable with my parents back in the day. During undergrad and grad school, I still lived with my parents during the summer time, so we had more than our fair share of fights.

This may sound strange, but I think the most difficult thing for me to cope with in my launch into adulthood was seeing my parents as human beings, and not just my parents. Growing up, I had some kind of perspective that they were superhuman, and immune to the range of human problems and emotions that the rest of us face.

It was a difficult transition for me, and god knows they are always going to be my parents and not my peers, but having an adult relationship with them where they were not simply an authority figure was a long process for me.

A history of alcohol abuse obviously adds a unique dynamic to that relationship, but I am sure he is struggling with the same things I was, and your past alcohol abuse just exacerbates the problem.

C

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Yes. something set him off.I didn't expect him home and I was crying. I just went through a recent divorce, and I was feeling lonely, and just generally crappy. I have been trying so hard to be strong, but tonight I let my guard down. He walked in and just assumed I had been drinking again because I was crying and emotional. I guess, he just got scared, big tough guy that he is. Went off about how "both of his parents are alcoholics." and "he thought I was different." OMG. I don't think I ever realized the damage we have done until tonight. I hope I can talk to him tomorrow. Convince him that I'm sincere.

[available]

No - I need to do this

Hi Moss, i had a screaming match with both my boys last night and they screamed back. I told them i was an alcoholic and they needed to be supportive as i have been supportive to them over the years (one being an ICE addict) and they needed to pull their weight around the house and respect me also and realise that i am trying to beat this problem with AL. You need to stick up for yourself as well, he is an adult and so are you. Respect works both ways and even though i am an alcoholic i, as i am sure you did, have totally done your best to bring up your child/children.

Things are much more settled in the household today thank god, well until the next time. Dont let him get you down, we do enough of that to ourselves. The past is past but the future will be so much better without AL.

[3June2013]

No - I need to do this

Aw Moss I am sorry you're feeling so down, but this is the best place to be, you know, where people understand. CD has some good insight, and others will come along too. I hope in time your son realizes this is for real. I mean being at home alone and crying isn't a sin. Like you said he probably just misread the situation and freaked out. I don't agree that you deserved it though.

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

C-dev - thanks for the insight into what my son might be feeling. I actually get what you're saying and it's helpful.

[Fisher80]

No - I need to do this

I?ll be short. My dad was drinking heavily (drunk 5-6 days a week basically, 1-2 days for "recovering") until i was 24. We never did anything together in my childhood. And he never really quit either, but now he is a moderate drinker.

First years after he quit, I basically avoided him. Then we met, but didn?t talk much, because we didn?t know each other really. But years went by and we started to get along better and better. We will never be best friends, I will never respect him fully (although I wish I did) and the time he didn?t spend with me is gone for good. But now I call him my dad, I love him and I even understand some of the choices he did.

So, it takes time. It should get better day by day. Like becoming AF.

[oakley]

No - I need to do this

"I don't think I ever realized the damage we have done until tonight."

This quote from your post hits me hard. I fear the damage that I have done to my kids over the past couple of years and hate to think it is anywhere near the damage done to me as a child being raised by an alcoholic.

Sadly, as we drown our fears in the bottle, we transfer them to the one's we love the most. I have no wisdom to offer other than my mantra these days...time, patience and consistency. I hope that the longer we are living a sober and healthy life, patiently re-earning their trust with each good and well intentioned decision they will gain confidence in us as parents again. As our fears subside, so will theirs.

[broken halo]

No - I need to do this

Rose, you say you went through a recent divorce. Everyone is bound to be feeling emotional, including your son. Things will get better. Stay strong :l:l

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Well, I didn't sleep last night. The anxiety is just too bad. I was already on shaky ground, and now I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing this. I am losing faith that anything can be fixed. I know this is just my sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden brain talking, but the last few years have taken such a toll on all of us that it seems like nothing will ever be right again. I am sitting here right now feeling ashamed and sad, but also angry. Yes - I am angry at my son right now. So thank you in advance for letting me vent, because I don't know what else to do with these feelings. And bottled up emotions are very dangerous for me. That's how I got myself into this mess in the first place.

Avail - thanks for the kind words. Yes, I could have done better. Much better, but I always loved and supported my sons. I have always encouraged them to follow their dreams. In fact the one I fought with last night, hit the road a few years back and traveled for a year - in large part supported by mom and dad. I was happy he got the opportunity - spent many sleepless nights worrying about him - but didn't want him to have any regrets later in life. When they were young, I never missed a school event, a parent-teacher conference or a game. *full disclosure* sometimes I was fighting a horrendous hangover, but I was there.. But now, he seems to have forgotten anything I ever did that was good. All he remembers now is the past few years when my drinking spun completely out of control.

I know how this sounds - like I am making excuses. I'm not proud of myself. Both of my sons watched me nearly drink myself to death. But with so little self-esteem left, I occasionally need to remind myself that sometimes, I got it right. I could have done so much better, and I'm trying to make it up to both of them now, but I am growing weary of only hearing what I have done wrong. I beat myself up daily, so the additional tongue lashings aren't helping. The lack of support is making this so much more difficult. I know he is hurting from the divorce. My ex completely abandoned both boys. Hasn't contacted them in over a year. Just walked out of our lives as if we never existed. My son is full of anger over his betrayal. He's angry at both of us. We let him down. I get it.

That's part of the problem now. Our family dynamic is off-kilter. We were far from a perfect family, but up until a couple of years ago, both boys felt secure in our love if nothing else. Then my ex decided he just "wasn't happy" anymore. He made all of our lives a living hell. I didn't know what was wrong. He was so angry all the time. I couldn't do anything right from that point on. That's when I really started drinking heavily. My ex became verbally and emotionally abusive. My self-respect started to suffer. So, I drank more. I know, dumb! Finally, I discovered that he just wasn't happy with me. He had already found someone else. The betrayal almost killed me. I fell apart. It wasn't pretty. My sons witnessed all of this. (C-dev - this is where your post really resonated with me.)

So I finally mustered up the strength to leave. My self-esteem was in tatters. I was hurt. I continued to drink heavily. My son moved with me. He started behaving like he was the man in the family rather than my son. I didn't want that for him or for me, so I told him to stop taking on that responsibility. I assured him that I was going to be ok. But my actions didn't line up with my words. I was still drinking. Then I decided enough was enough, joined MWO, and am really trying to repair the damage I have caused.

So here I am today, hanging on by my fingertips. Don't know why I'm telling you all of this. Will probably regret it later. But what the heck - my whole life is one big regret. Thanks all for listening.