No - I need to do this

[Rusty]

No - I need to do this

Hi Moss,

I am heartbroken for you.:l Have you ever written your son a letter...apologizing for your actions and taking the steps to make things right? I believe a letter might help.
You are right... my actions didn't line up with my words either, and I was still drinking so my family really could not trust me much. I would be encouraged by Fisher's words. I didn't think my family would ever forgive me for the 3.5 years of drinking hell I caused them. But they did and we have all moved on. But.....they had to see me sober. No more drunken phone calls that I didn't remember....no showing up for family meals already blitzed, etc.

But my actions didn't line up with my words. I was still drinking. Then I decided enough was enough, joined MWO, and am really trying to repair the damage I have caused.

Let your son know that you are trying to repair the damage. I think he is more angry at your ex than you, however, you happen to be the one around and available and you are an easy mark. Might he go to an Alanon meeting or some therapy?

Becoming AF gives us confidence and makes us stronger. We think we are stronger when we are drinking because we become uninhibited and are not afraid to say things....until all the words come out wrong and then we inflict even more damage on our loved ones. AL really makes us weak people. Without telling him, your son will notice those positive changes in your behavior, as long as you try your damndest to be AF. Please PM me anytime, neighbor. We Cheeseheads have to stick together.:l

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Thank you Rusty for the good advice. I think a letter is a good idea. I don't know how receptive he will be, but it's worth a try. He is just so angry. It sounds strange, but he gets upset if I show any sadness about the divorce. I think he sees it as another betrayal. In his mind, we were mistreated and abandoned, so what's to be sad about. But he is too young to understand that I need to grieve this loss.

We definitely need counseling as a family. Both my son and I have done it individually but I think we need a neutral person to help us through this.

[Byrdlady]

No - I need to do this

Thinking of you, Moss....this is a healing process in every way. I can honestly say that I shed a lot more tears when I was drinking than I have as a sober person. AL exacerbates everything...once you are out of the AL fog, what we see isn't always pretty.
As a salesperson, I have learned a couple things over the years. The customers that I (I speak in terms of a company here) have really disappointed react in one of two ways. They say nothing and just walk away in silence and find another vendor. Or they yell and scream at me and demand I take care of their problem....they are really the loyal ones....because they want me to FIX this and make it better so they CAN continue our relationship. These are the most fiercely loyal customers I have!!! It's the ones who silently go away that I can't get back....so if you look at this as an opportunity to make some real progress, then maybe it's a GOOD thing. Your son REALLY LOVES you and he wants YOU to be fixed! I imagine it scared him when he thought he'd lost you again. We all know that feeling....
I say put this one in the WIN column!!! You are communicating (albeit loudly) but communication nonetheless! This is a POSITIVE sign! Stay the course...he WANTS you to be whole again, and you are getting there!
Keep up the AF days! It will pay off in spades! Byrdie

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Thanks for the encouragement, Byrdie. This is the hardest part - having to face the things I have done. That's why I always failed to get sober in the past. I couldn't deal with the feelings of shame, so I would pour another drink and try to forget. Not this time. I'm going to stay the course.

I love the analogy. Yes, he is demanding that I make things right which, as you point out, is actually a sign of loyalty. Whew! I sure read it wrong last night.

[Byrdlady]

No - I need to do this

I know what you mean, Moss, when I'm getting the riot act read to me from a customer it's hard to see the silver lining....but it's there. If they didn't care, they wouldn't fuss. I hope today is a healing day for you!! xo, B

[prayingitsnottolate]

No - I need to do this

MossRose, hugs to you!

[halfway content]

No - I need to do this

Hey, Moss, try to look back on the past just for the lesson, not for the loss. Guilt and regret are such a sad burden. My wish is that you can let them go and concentrate on today and tomorrow.

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Thanks Half, and Praying. I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people by my side.

Well now that I've burdened all of you with my tales of woe, I need to to give you an update. A strange twist of events. I have confided in my mom and my oldest friend about my struggles with AL. They know everything. They know about MWO and are very supportive. I was so scared to tell them, but I underestimated them. They have been great. So today, I called them both and told them about last night. I was shocked by their response. They are both livid at my son. And believe me, he is the favorite grandchild, so that is saying a lot.

My mom's exact words were: "He's living in your home, rent-free, has watched you struggle, and thinks it's ok to talk to you that way?" She found it very disrespectful regardless of my past drinking. She knows how hard I'm trying. She and I agreed that a quiet conversation would have been acceptable. But my son raging at me, with the windows open so all the neighbors could hear, was just wrong. My dearest friend (40 years and counting) said she was calling him. Oh my, can't imagine how that's going to go. She loves him so it should be ok. Now I'm really confused. I know he's angry. I feel guilty. But there is a part of me that wonders if I should allow this to continue. He said some very mean and hateful things to me last night. Sorry to keep blathering on about my relationship with my sons, but I am clueless what to do anymore. Well, with the exception of staying sober

[spiderwoman]

No - I need to do this

Sorry you've had such a rotten time Moss, if its any comfort to you at all my own sons were very unhappy about my drinking but said nothing. Actions speak louder than words though and I got few visits and no invitations. When I stopped just before Christmas there was a lot of disbelief and although they never said anything to me I'll bet they were waiting for me to cave in and go back to the old ways. Its only just in the last few weeks they have wanted to visit, invited me to their homes and to go out with them. If you can ride this out, a few months will most likely see you with a better than ever relationship with your son.

Keep being kind to yourself x

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

It's a huge comfort, my friend. Thank you.

[Rusty]

No - I need to do this

Hi Moss,:l

I am glad you confided in your mom and your best friend. Now you won't feel like you're doing this alone. They are also right in that your son, as angry as he was at you, should not have spoken to you in the way he did. I'm not so sure that that it would be a good idea for your best friend to talk to your son, though. Do you think she will actually make him understand? Otherwise, it might just make things worse. Just my two cents, though. My experience with my siblings and my Mom was just like Spiderwoman's.....they said nothing to me until they held a surprise family intervention. That DID make my drinking worse because that made my anxiety levels go over the top. At that time, my family (mainly my brother and SIL) wanted me to go to inpatient rehab, and I refused to go. Instead....I came here every day, dug into the Toolbox, and bought every book I could on addiction. Meanwhile, I had to ride out the fact that my brother and sister-in-law refused to visit me. I knew eventually that I would prove them wrong. Rehab is not always the most effective way to quit drinking. I did prove them wrong. I found my way out right here, and I found Baclofen. I never told them I was trying to quit drinking....I just made a point of letting them see me sober at EVERY family event, and calling them after 4:00 p.m. (SOBER, OF COURSE) so that they would know I was trying. Give your son some time. Spiderwoman is very wise,. I'm guessing if you can stay sober, the relationship you have with your son will be better than it's ever been. I know I have a better relationship with my mom, sister and siblings than I have ever had. Sending you positive vibes.

xoxo
Rusty

[MossRose]

No - I need to do this

Rusty, she's like a second mom to him, so I do believe that she is going to try to make things right. But she is straight shooter, so there's always a chance that this could backfire. I asked her not to do it, but she is headstrong.

[Rusty]

No - I need to do this

Moss, oh, I know your best friend means well.

You said in an earlier post that you are full of regret with regard to your life. Please don't beat yourself up. You are still young enough to turn your life around and fill it with hope and positive paths for your son. I, too was filled with regret about certain parts of my life....not even including the years I wasted soaking in booze. I never thought that the depressant effects of alcohol applied to me, but by damn, the more I drank, the more depressed I got. I am also soooo sorry your husband cowardly left you and deserted his sons. I can't even imagine the pain you must be in.:l

This is the hardest part - having to face the things I have done. That's why I always failed to get sober in the past. I couldn't deal with the feelings of shame, so I would pour another drink and try to forget. Not this time. I'm going to stay the course.

I did the same thing you did. I am glad we are both staying the course.

[little beagle]

No - I need to do this

Mossy when hubby falls and is drinking and doing his thing I get so upset I scream and cry. It's a very negative feeling. Anger, disappointment, betrayal. It doesn't mean I am through with him, I just can't stand to see him hurt himself and me again. Even if he didn't think you were drinking, males have a very tough time witnessing females in pain emotionally. It makes them feel helpless. My hubby gets so upset when I cry he yells and carries on until you'd think he was the one hurt. He is feeling your pain and doesn't know how to make you feel better possibly?

[little beagle]

No - I need to do this

P.S. A letter is an excellent idea.