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    #31
    No - I need to do this

    Rusty, my friend did back off. I just got off the phone with her. Wow - being able to talk on the phone at 10 pm - priceless. LOL. Anyway, I am much calmer now. Last night almost destroyed me. But the people in my life are encouraging me to be strong, and stop allowing anyone to treat me disrespectfully. Including my own son. I have such low self-esteem and am so guilt-ridden that I don't really believe that I'm worthy of love or respect. I let my ex-husband walk all over me too. I need to change that way of thinking or I will forever be at risk for relapse. And, I agree with you about rehab. It's not the right choice for me either for a variety of reasons. I really believe I can do this on my own as long as I have MWO to turn to. It's been working so far. And nothing else ever has. Thanks, friend. Yes, we Cheeseheads need to stick together.

    LB - so glad to hear from you. I think you are right. My son gets angry and lashes out when he's scared. He's been like that his whole life. And Mom being fragile must be pretty scary. I am going to write him a letter and explain everything I have told all of you today. Fingers crossed that it helps.

    Spidey - my youngest son never said a word to me. Just walked away. So I know what you are saying. In a way that's almost scarier. But I'm now getting a phone call here and there, so progress
    Everything is going to be amazing

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      #32
      No - I need to do this

      Moss I am sorry that you are going through this. My boys are younger, but one thing that keeps me sober is knowing I would break their spirit if I drank again. The rage and anger has to be tough to deal with....but, also the other person has the right to be angry. This may be the only way he knows how to express it. However, I don't think people should be able to use their anger as a weapon every time they get angry at you. I would start with the letter....then try to have a discussion.

      As for him living with you....you have to set boundaries and he needs to know what they are. You are working hard to stay sober and you need to do what is best not only for you...but, everyone....and that is stay sober. With your mom and friend (and here) you should have all the support you need to get through tough times like these.

      Whatever you do.....don't drink. That only adds to problem and what he can use against you.

      Comment

        #33
        No - I need to do this

        Moss, thank you for sharing your struggle with this- it really hits home for me. :l

        My mom drank and no one said anything...and I mean anything until after she died. I remember being shocked when one of my sisters made a sarcastic remark regarding where mom would keep her gallon jugs of Vodka...needless to say, my childhood and adult hood where less then stellar.

        On the heals of Byrdies wonderful analogy, my mom was really one of the silent go away clients and so our relationship as mother daughter was never really 'authentic' - loyal or Fixable...

        In the end I really have no idea who she was.

        As hard as it is to have the screaming matches ( and here I agree with your mom and friend, that the name calling and guilt tripping have to stop) at least those loyalty lines are still open. You guys are still vitally connected and there's no doubt in my mind that the 2 of you will be stronger and stronger for it.

        I envy you, really. I have no chance to ever have a profound and authentic relationship with my mom. We fought about stuff but never ever about AL....perhaps if we all had addressed that big bad elephant in the living room, The whole dynamic of our lives would have been different .
        You have deep fortune to have your mom and lifelong friend there with you! You obviously have been doing something right for al those years!!
        :l:h
        :l
        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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          #34
          No - I need to do this

          Hello Moss...I have read your thread with tears in my eyes...such a lot resonates....please please DO remember all the right and good things that you did...they were important and worth it. I'm back after being AF for a while, but fallen down again recently. For lots of reasons I have stayed very very private about what I've been trying to do, only really telling a few very close people. On the one hand that's helped...but on reflection I think maybe facing up to it with more people and letting them in a bit could have helped me more. I take courage from your comments and am glad that you have the support of your mum and friend.
          My mum was an alcoholic, as was her mother....I seem to have taken the same path. Mum managed to work her way through it but I was one of the silent walkers away and it took many years to feel safe around her...and let her be a part of my childrens lives. Then when my marriage collapsed in a very sudden and brutal way...I just sank...mainly into bottles of wine...she was there and I couldn't have survived some of it without her.I did pull myself through several times and finally managed to get my family kind of back on track in terms of financially and a home...but it has all taken a toll...and I have seen my own kids walk away...or flash at me in temper/panic/disappointment/anxiety/disgust when I drink again. They hate it...as I did. But I know all is not lost...I did get some stuff very right....
          You are all so very raw at the moment....take all the love and care and support you can...you sound like a good person with people who do love you enough to be worried for you....sending you big hugs...am here if I can help at all.
          x
          ...peace and quiet....and a cup of tea.....heaven:h

          Comment

            #35
            No - I need to do this

            Sun, Kradle and Queen - thanks for the support. It really does mean the world to me. It's amazing and sad how many of us have experienced the pain of alcoholism from both sides. I just had a very long talk with my son. I told him that I was willing to listen to anything he had to say, as long as he was respectful. And wow - did he have a lot to say. He told me that he was sorry for his violent outburst the other night, and I believe him. He looked almost sick with shame. He told me that he was just so scared and upset that he might lose me again. Figured I had been drinking because I was crying and couldn't hold back his anger and disappointment. I can understand that. But, I did make it clear that he is never to speak to me like that again. He agreed. Then I listened.

            This may have been the hardest day of my life. I guess I never realized how much he knew even from the beginning. What a wake up call. I can't go into details right now because I am still processing everything he had to say. This was a painful, yet necessary conversation. The last thing he said to me was "Mom, whatever it is that will make you happy again, I will help. Please don't throw your life away. I need you" That did it. I'm still crying. I feel so guilty right now.

            I was weakening. I almost drank today. Figured - what the hell, can't fix anything, might as well drink. But now, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I do have something to save. Myself included.
            Everything is going to be amazing

            Comment

              #36
              No - I need to do this

              Moss - big hugs to you. :l:l I'm glad that you had that talk with your son. I think you both needed it. :h
              "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
              ..........
              AF - 7-27-15

              Comment

                #37
                No - I need to do this

                Well done Moss....painful...yes....necessary...yes...and most definately brave...hope your day stays steady...x
                ...peace and quiet....and a cup of tea.....heaven:h

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