I'm back :( warning, long..

[Daya]

Hi Folks....

I haven't been here for quite a while, as I really thought I had a handle on the whole moderate drinking thing.......had got in the habit of not drinking much at all when I went out, didn't drink anything at my birthday lunch , however have still been having a a few wines every night.

You folks that remember me will know that my husband is a drinker, and there is always alcohol here. When he goes away for a few days, I tip whatever booze is left in the house down the drain, and dont drink. Takes about 3 days to not have an urge, but its not much of an urge.

Soooo...I go away to a work event last week, again am very careful how much I drink (have publicly humiliated myself at these events in the past) get slightly drunk and have a go at a dear friend. Think the next day, okay, moderate it.

I go to the big dinner that night, am all dressed up, its a very macho conference, mainly guys, they are trying to convince me to drink, trying to hit on me etc. (One of them pours his champagne into my orange juice when i'm not looking, then tells me about it)

My dear friend is there, hes worried about my drinking, looks relived when he sees im on orange juice, and then happy when he sees I'm really pacing the wine over dinner.

So I have 3 wines over the 4 hour dinner, my friend, myself and another guy I'm talking to (whose been hitting on me all night) decide to continue to a bar after the dinner. I order one red wine at the bar and that's that. Its an almost total blackout from then on, its just hazy snippets...not sure if my drink was spiked? My friend tells me the next day that i ended up having 4 wines at the bar.

A work competitor/ colleague turns up, apparently (I find out from my friend later) I'm flirtatious and physically all over him...I think I'm telling him all sorts of confidential work / competitor/ contractor/ personal stuff. My friend is really worried, is trying to stop me drinking more , trying to convince me to leave.

I fall over, am covered in bruises now...My friend and the other guy leave, I'm left with my work colleague (who I want to work with, and have in the past) I am told all this by my friend the next day, it is all still a blur.

I vaguely remember us kissing really passionately, me pulling away, and him putting me in a taxi to go home..have no memory of getting back to my room.

I am now sick with worry over what i told him,am worried i will be sued, loose my business..

My friend who left is really disappointed in me, said he was embarrassed for me to be acting that way in public..

What is this bloody alcohol self destruct thing???? Why oh Why cant I seem to understand that I CANNOT DRINK? NOT EVER, NOT EVEN A BIT?????

This is the worst thing I have ever done whilst drunk, the potential ramifications are truly horrendous...

[available]

I'm back warning, long..

Hi Daya. Well that story hit a few cords i must say. It does sound a bit suss though that you remember that red wine at the bar and then nothing. Mind you the last time i went out and made a complete fool of myself I cant even remember ordering the last drink but i had had many many before that. The only thing i remember is falling off the lounge as i had blacked out and when my face hit the ground coming to and jumping up real quick (well for a drunk it felt quick).

Is your friend talking to you at all? Its hard to mend bridges when people have an opinion of you. I tend to stay away for awhile which probably is not the best answer.

No alcoholic can moderate, that would be my dream to do that but I cant and i am sure lots here say the same. All or nothing really.

God how many Brad Pitts have i made out with to realise in the morning they are frankensteins brother. But now up to day 22 and yes i still would love just one wine but one wont be enough.

You cannot change what happened you can only change yourself now. I hope it all works out for you.

[Guitarista]

I'm back warning, long..

Welcome back Daya,

So what will you decide friend? Will your sobriety, self care, self respect, and healing be your priority from this moment?

Booze is not your friend. It destroys people. I hope last weeks events aren't too damaging for you. Take care of yourself, and think positive.


Why not commit yourself to a 30 day AF challenge, and take it from there.

Best wishes on your journey.

G bloke.

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

Thanks Available

My story will probably hit a few cords with many folks here...

I actually feel a bit calmer and less panicked just by coming back here. This place was the main thing that helped me stop drinking before.

My friend, is a "special" friend, which is why he was also so upset to see me all over the other guy....he is one of the kindest people I have ever known, and has tried to stop me drinking for years. He has forgiven me, but has withdrawn a fair bit now. He said to me the next day"I thought you had a grip on this?" .

I have never fallen down drunk before....I'm wondering if I should send the work guy an apology text?

Congratulations on day 22 Available !!!! How do you feel?

I really like what you wrote below:

"You cannot change what happened you can only change yourself now."

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

Hi G Bloke Nice to see you again.

I did the 30 days a while ago..not sure when I got it in my head i could control my drinking. Sometimes i can, sometimes obviously not.

Yes, the bolded is now my priority, if that means I have to move out from living with my husband, to have an AF environment, I will do that...
I will saty close here also.

Guitarista;1559347 wrote: Welcome back Daya,

So what will you decide friend? Will your sobriety, self care, self respect, and healing be your priority from this moment?

Booze is not your friend. It destroys people. I hope last weeks events aren't too damaging for you. Take care of yourself, and think positive.


Why not commit yourself to a 30 day AF challenge, and take it from there.

Best wishes on your journey.

G bloke.

[available]

I'm back warning, long..

I think Daya it is the shame we feel and the helplessness and no one understands and they dont really only us alcoholics completely understand what this drug does to us. Like your friend said "i thought you had a grip on this", no it has a grip on us totally and forever. I so wish to be like those normal people that have the one or two, not constantly worrying when I will get to THAT wine that will hit me and wipe me out.

I was here in 2011 and then went yes i can moderate and then got to the 1 to 2 bottles a night again but the blacking out scared the crap out of me and my health was starting to go downhill. Even the excuses I was making to myself were not working. Now i feel great, no shakes, no recriminations the next day, no bruises, no dry wretching, not much anxiety and I feel happier. Although i still want a wine, I dont need one. I have lost my best friend but i have gained so many more on MWO.

Maybe you could send a text and see what happens. If no reply then at least you have tried. God i so used to hate the day afters wondering what i did and what i said and who i pissed off. You wont regret giving up even though you will miss AL, I miss my best friend but with friends like that who really needs enemies.

I am single so i dont have the problem of a partner drinking. Have you talked to him about giving up? I have told my sons who live with me no drinking during the week and they have respected that as the temptation was getting to me.

[little beagle]

I'm back warning, long..

Alcohol definitely is not my friend. I have done something very similar. Minus the making out. Hubby was with me. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Other people tend to forget our mistakes way before we do. Take care of yourself.

[Lavande]

I'm back warning, long..

Welcome back Daya,

Sorry you had such a bad time but let that be the last!
Do yourself a favor & kick AL to the curb forever. Your life will just be better & easier without AL.
Drop in the Newbies Nest & sign up for the 30 AF day challenge. You won't be sorry

Wishing you the nest!

Lav

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

Yes, yes, and yes Available...Everything you say is so true.

The shame is crippling sometimes. I came here on the point of suicide a few years ago due to it...and what I did last week pretty much tops that.

My friend thought I had a grip, as i haven't drunk much around him lately, I thought I did, but as you so aptly said, it actually has a grip on me. It is time i truly once and for all realize that. My friend drinks occasionally, but can pretty much control it. I've never seen him really drunk, or out of control.

I think I will send a txt to the work guy and gauge the reaction. My husband will not stop bringing alcohol into the house, he will hide it from me, or drink in cups where i cant see the alcohol, but its always there. I feel I should be able to stop drinking with it around...I gave up drugs when surrounded by them, feel I should be able to do this also?

I was soo happy when I wasn't drinking...everything you described I felt..

That's wonderful you have the support of your sons, I think it does make a huge difference.

BTW, Your Brad Pitts/ Frankenstein description made me laugh

available;1559356 wrote: I think Daya it is the shame we feel and the helplessness and no one understands and they dont really only us alcoholics completely understand what this drug does to us. Like your friend said "i thought you had a grip on this", no it has a grip on us totally and forever. I so wish to be like those normal people that have the one or two, not constantly worrying when I will get to THAT wine that will hit me and wipe me out.

I was here in 2011 and then went yes i can moderate and then got to the 1 to 2 bottles a night again but the blacking out scared the crap out of me and my health was starting to go downhill. Even the excuses I was making to myself were not working. Now i feel great, no shakes, no recriminations the next day, no bruises, no dry wretching, not much anxiety and I feel happier. Although i still want a wine, I dont need one. I have lost my best friend but i have gained so many more on MWO.

Maybe you could send a text and see what happens. If no reply then at least you have tried. God i so used to hate the day afters wondering what i did and what i said and who i pissed off. You wont regret giving up even though you will miss AL, I miss my best friend but with friends like that who really needs enemies.

I am single so i dont have the problem of a partner drinking. Have you talked to him about giving up? I have told my sons who live with me no drinking during the week and they have respected that as the temptation was getting to me.

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

Hi Lav,
thanks for dropping by, your support with gbloke and the others meant so much last time, and this time.

I have posted on the 30 day AF challenge already

Lavande;1559360 wrote: Welcome back Daya,

Sorry you had such a bad time but let that be the last!
Do yourself a favor & kick AL to the curb forever. Your life will just be better & easier without AL.
Drop in the Newbies Nest & sign up for the 30 AF day challenge. You won't be sorry

Wishing you the nest!

Lav

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

Hi LB...Im still worried about the business ramifications, potential lawsuit ect...

little beagle;1559357 wrote: Alcohol definitely is not my friend. I have done something very similar. Minus the making out. Hubby was with me. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Other people tend to forget our mistakes way before we do. Take care of yourself.

[available]

I'm back warning, long..

Us alcoholics never have a grip on AL as i have said. Alcoholics run in my family, brother died from it, thought that I did not drink as much as him so i would be fine. Who am i kidding, myself, that is all.

I have friends that just have a few and are fine, i like my 100 or more. I wish more than anything I was like them. As someone said on here if you admit you have an AL problem people dont want to know about it, is it because they have one also? Like you I have given up weed and that was easy I just didnt smoke it anymore. AL, now a totally different ball game this one.

Hubby sounds like a real drinker and doesnt sound like much support really. That is sad and makes it so much harder. Do you have children also? My ex was a drinker also and i got to the stage years ago where i thought "if i cant beat him i may as well join him". Bad thought that one and i regret it so much. My next boyfriend after hubs was a drinker also so next time, if there is one, he wont be a drinker at all.

Keep on here Daya and keep posting. I have this site open at work and at home and check it first thing every morning, makes me accountable and also gives me comfort knowing there are so many people in the same boat.

God not sure about the law suit etc that you mentioned but try not to worry, it may not even happen, our AL brains always think the worst the next day or the day after.

I so have to go and clean my garage and its such a lovely day in Melbourne. Note to self; get arse into gear before the day is over!

[Daya]

I'm back warning, long..

I'm also an Aussie available

I gave up a fairly heavy coke habit whilst being around it all the time...It was pretty easy actually. Couldnt imagine doing it now.

The thing is I never had a problem with AL before i got with hubby. It just wasn't in my life. I had a fear of it from childhood as my father was a heavy alcoholic, and died young from it. He gave up a year before he dies, but the damage was done. I understand what you are saying about your ex, the first few years i begged hubby to give up, then I just started drinking with him, 10 years later, I have a problem, and he seems to have modified it somewhat.

I have a grown up son, that was alarmed when he saw that I had a drinking problem. It was not an issue when i was bringing him up (thank God!!) but then it built. Strangely enough, he thinks I have beaten it, as i haven't drunk around him for about a year now, to the degree that when someone offers me a drink, he automatically says "mum doesn't drink"

This site is massively comforting, most of my friends are not heavy drinkers and dont have a problem with it, and they cannot understand what is wrong with me?

Thanks for hanging here and talking to me Available, on what is a lovey Aussie spring day. Enjoy your garage

available;1559375 wrote: Us alcoholics never have a grip on AL as i have said. Alcoholics run in my family, brother died from it, thought that I did not drink as much as him so i would be fine. Who am i kidding, myself, that is all.

I have friends that just have a few and are fine, i like my 100 or more. I wish more than anything I was like them. As someone said on here if you admit you have an AL problem people dont want to know about it, is it because they have one also? Like you I have given up weed and that was easy I just didnt smoke it anymore. AL, now a totally different ball game this one.

Hubby sounds like a real drinker and doesnt sound like much support really. That is sad and makes it so much harder. Do you have children also? My ex was a drinker also and i got to the stage years ago where i thought "if i cant beat him i may as well join him". Bad thought that one and i regret it so much. My next boyfriend after hubs was a drinker also so next time, if there is one, he wont be a drinker at all.

Keep on here Daya and keep posting. I have this site open at work and at home and check it first thing every morning, makes me accountable and also gives me comfort knowing there are so many people in the same boat.

God not sure about the law suit etc that you mentioned but try not to worry, it may not even happen, our AL brains always think the worst the next day or the day after.

I so have to go and clean my garage and its such a lovely day in Melbourne. Note to self; get arse into gear before the day is over!

[available]

I'm back warning, long..

Well Daya I am still here and still not motivated. I like chatting too much lol. It is finally nice for Melbourne to actually put on some sunshine, we have had a shocker of a spring thus far.

Well you have your son convinced lol, maybe you should have a chat to him and see how that goes. support is wonderful when given. I have told my 4 children i am an alcoholic, it was hard but they are very supportive. My daughter is getting married in November and has her hens night in October. My other daughter said "its ok mum you can get pissed that night" and i was like "honey alcoholics cant do that". I would love to just go and get pissed but my pissed is totally blind and blacked out. I want to remember the night and not have to rely on others to look after the drunk 49 year old. I just need some strategies for that night i know. The wedding i am fine with as its far enough away not to worry about it.

Ok i am off to do the garage although a coffee may be in order first or i should stop procrastinating and just bloody do it.

[Sake123]

I'm back warning, long..

Daya - I'm glad that you shared your story. I had a similar night happen years ago to me. Although I had a lot more to drink than you did. I was pretty sure that someone slipped me something. I spoke with someone I trust about it because it bothered me for a long time. She pointed out something important "If I had not been drinking, I would have never been in a situation where someone would have slipped me anything." That hit home for me. I found her truth to be staggering (no pun intended).

I hope that you can use this situation to strengthen your position on alcohol. It is not my friend, it's a horrible, dishonest, cheating SOB that will ruin me with any given opportunity.