accountability journal day 1

[Daya]

So day 1 for me (again)

I am going to start a daily journal here.

I have woken up feeling shaky, anxious ,rather depressed, and like a looser.. I think my drunken train wreck of last week has really ruined a relationship with a very dear friend, who has born the brunt of my drinking for years.And God knows what will happen with my company.

I have spent the last few hours going through all my posts here of the last 2 years, and its a depressingly familiar pattern. Moments of clarity, gained through not drinking, then falling off the wagon and humiliating myself. Its sooo predictable.

There have been some wins and gains, I no longer drink around my son, have not been horribly drunk or embarrassed myself in over a year, except for last week.(and that was the very worst thing I have ever done) Its a bizarre thing really, this western culture we live in that it is sort of accepted that people will sometimes get drunk and act like idiots. Its only when it seems to be happening a lot that we feel its wrong?

In Jewish cultures, and some Asian cultures, getting drunk is the absolute greatest shame.

Anyway, I am rambling, will check in again tomorrow.

[Daya]

accountability journal day 1

day 3

I skipped a day, as one of the great loves of my life told me the night before last that he can no longer be friends with me, due to my drinking...It was hurting him too much, emotionally, potentially professionally, and mentally. (He didn't say those words, I guessed it )

Soo, was up all night crying, wanted to have a drink, didn't...today I feel calmer, am smoking like a maniac, but will address that soon also. Seem to have lost my appetite also.

My friend emailed me he missed me..but am not sure I feel stable enough to deal with that at the moment. I feel very tired, sleepy, not sure if its because I have been smoking so much. The self loathing is beginning to fade somewhat. My husband has a glass of red on the table in front of us, there is a very mild urge with me..more a fleeting thought that its there.

Not tempted to have any.

[Daya]

accountability journal day 1

I just realized that I first joined here 2 and a half years ago...crazy really that its taken this long to finally address this issue.

[available]

accountability journal day 1

The feeling of being bone tired weary is normal and i got headaches constantly but they have gone now but i am now not sleeping well again. I am finding i am doing this in a cycle but it will end. I have been drinking for a lot of years. All your withdrawals will go with more AF time and thats a good feeling.

I joined here at the same time and started drinking and stopped coming on here. So many people have been and gone but so many are still here.

[Daya]

accountability journal day 1

Thats interesting, and sort of comforting that you joined the same time, and very inspiring you have gone 25 days!!!!

I think I'm tired because of the emotional roller coaster, i have stopped drinking before and not felt this wrecked..or its the cigarettes. Are you taking any sleeping herbs? I find they can work really well.

available;1560909 wrote: The feeling of being bone tired weary is normal and i got headaches constantly but they have gone now but i am now not sleeping well again. I am finding i am doing this in a cycle but it will end. I have been drinking for a lot of years. All your withdrawals will go with more AF time and thats a good feeling.

I joined here at the same time and started drinking and stopped coming on here. So many people have been and gone but so many are still here.

[Suesue]

accountability journal day 1

The fear will pass hang in there. What is the longest you been sober? Be realistic with yiurself can you do this by yourself? Have you ever checked into rehab? It's not a good set up that your husband drinks and doesn't support you. You need to make tough decisions and changes. Once you decide to do that things hopefully will get better. Maybe go to doctor and get medication to stop you drinking. Def go to your doctor I think you need someone to help you make changes.

[Daya]

accountability journal day 1

The longest i have been sober in about 6 years is 30 days...It is difficult with hubby drinking, I do feel like a red now..but I'm telling myself its just a thought that will pass. I don't want to go down the medicine route.

I think now that I know I have no options left to drink, that is actually helping a lot. I quit a herion and coke addiction the same way(whilst surounded by them)

[Suesue]

accountability journal day 1

You sound like you have an addictive personality. I think yiu should seek help. That's just my opinion. Make yourself a promis if yiu fall off the wagon again you will get help. Even just go talk to someone about addiction to help you understand what yiu are up against. You quit heroin and coke but now it's alcohol. Somethings not right.

[Daya]

accountability journal day 1

Hi Suesue...I dont believe in addictive personality,(I do belive in the ADDICTED personality however, a subtle difference) I believe that if you take an addictive substance long enough, not only will you become addicted to it, but your life will then center around it.

I gave up the other drugs quite easily, just said I'm done one day, and that was that. I wasn't drinking alcohol at the time either, actually I only started drinking when I got with my husband 10 years ago..and realized i had a problem after about 6 years of nightly drinking.

I worked for many years as an addiction counselor, ironically enough

[available]

accountability journal day 1

Suesue and Daya

It is funny about the addiction thing, i was addicted to poker machines for awhile as my ex loved them and god we spent so much money and when i left him i stopped playing them. I, like you Daya do not want to go on meds, i am not a fan of AA although i have never tried it and i cant give negatives or positives I just dont want to do it. I think there is something that clicks in us that we have had enough, obviously two years ago i had not had enough, now i have. I cant say yet that i will never drink but for the time being i have no intention of going back to AL.

I have not tried herbal remedies to sleep, what do you use? I have always been a bad sleeper although when i was pissed i just passed out until i woke up but that was never a good sleep so i am appreciating the good sleep that i am having even though i think it is bad.

We can only do one day at a time and get through that day.

[Suesue]

accountability journal day 1

That is surprising you were an addiction counsellor I would have thought that would help you more I guess it comes down to that click in the head that decides finally no more! I see alcohol for the horrible negative thing it is that nearly destroyed me. The confirmation of that keeps me strong.