Hi everyone. Today I am 80 days sober and smoke free. I'm thinking back to my day one and I thought I might as well write my thoughts down and share.
This last year was a rough one for me. My mother's long illness and her death were very hard to take. She was a very old lady and I didn't expect her to last forever. It wasn't so much her going that was hard to cope with, it was the suffering she had to endure. My Mum suffered so much in her life, a quiet peaceful passing is what she deserved instead of the horrors of the last nine months of her life. I felt guilty and ashamed and completely helpless. After the funeral, the pity party started.
I went straight back to work, smiling, coping on the outside but I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a night and on the inside I was struggling. it went on like that for a few months then inevitably, I lost it. I honestly can't remember what the last straw was but I completely lost the plot. I went to the shops and bought vodka. I never even drank vodka, never liked it. But I drank the bottle and passed out. When I came round I cleaned myself up a bit, went to the shop and bought another bottle. And it went on like that for days.
I was completely lost in a haze of alcohol and self pity. I was drinking morning noon and night. I was AWOL from work. I was a complete wreck.
My wake up call came when my niece phoned me one morning about four days in and I was drunk. Rambling drunk at 10 am. My niece and I are very close, we lost her Mum, my sister three years ago, and I was her rock through her Mum's illness and passing. She looks up to me, admires me and loves me dearly. And here I was, drunk at 10 am on a workday. When I started to sober up a bit I felt horribly ashamed. I was sick, vomiting and coughing as needless to say each trip to the shop for vodka meant 20 cigarettes as well.
I decided then and there I wanted to stop. This wasn't me. This was not my life. This certainly wasn't what my Mum would have wanted for me.
I made a doctor's appointment and tapered the AL till I saw him. I was shaking so badly I could barely function. That was day 1. I told him what had happened and he was very kind.
He gave me Librium and I got the script, but I decided not to take them. While I was at the chemist I bought patches and signed up for their smoking cessation programme. The first couple of days were grim, but it got better. Every day it got a little better.
I went back to work, things got back to normal. But things were better than normal. I arranged to see a bereavement counsellor, I was posting here. I cannot express the gratitude I feel for the kindness and support I found here. The toolbox and the newbies nest were my lifeline. I also rejoined the gym, another lifeline. It's open 24 hours, I never needed to, but it was always there if I had the urge to drink. Now I can go and workout instead!
I have come to terms with some really important things. I remember the good times with Mum, the happy days, the laughter. She was some woman!
I also know that I am an addict. If I drink, it will kill me. Maybe not at first, maybe at first I could kid myself that I could handle it. But I know that it would inevitably lead back to that dark, horrible lonely place, I never want to go there again.
I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I never want to be a slave again. If I have any advice to give to anyone just starting out, it's to be positive. You are losing nothing by giving up. Nothing but mental slavery and anguish.
What you are gaining is priceless. Life, happiness and freedom. You just can't put a price on that.
This last year was a rough one for me. My mother's long illness and her death were very hard to take. She was a very old lady and I didn't expect her to last forever. It wasn't so much her going that was hard to cope with, it was the suffering she had to endure. My Mum suffered so much in her life, a quiet peaceful passing is what she deserved instead of the horrors of the last nine months of her life. I felt guilty and ashamed and completely helpless. After the funeral, the pity party started.
I went straight back to work, smiling, coping on the outside but I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a night and on the inside I was struggling. it went on like that for a few months then inevitably, I lost it. I honestly can't remember what the last straw was but I completely lost the plot. I went to the shops and bought vodka. I never even drank vodka, never liked it. But I drank the bottle and passed out. When I came round I cleaned myself up a bit, went to the shop and bought another bottle. And it went on like that for days.
I was completely lost in a haze of alcohol and self pity. I was drinking morning noon and night. I was AWOL from work. I was a complete wreck.
My wake up call came when my niece phoned me one morning about four days in and I was drunk. Rambling drunk at 10 am. My niece and I are very close, we lost her Mum, my sister three years ago, and I was her rock through her Mum's illness and passing. She looks up to me, admires me and loves me dearly. And here I was, drunk at 10 am on a workday. When I started to sober up a bit I felt horribly ashamed. I was sick, vomiting and coughing as needless to say each trip to the shop for vodka meant 20 cigarettes as well.
I decided then and there I wanted to stop. This wasn't me. This was not my life. This certainly wasn't what my Mum would have wanted for me.
I made a doctor's appointment and tapered the AL till I saw him. I was shaking so badly I could barely function. That was day 1. I told him what had happened and he was very kind.
He gave me Librium and I got the script, but I decided not to take them. While I was at the chemist I bought patches and signed up for their smoking cessation programme. The first couple of days were grim, but it got better. Every day it got a little better.
I went back to work, things got back to normal. But things were better than normal. I arranged to see a bereavement counsellor, I was posting here. I cannot express the gratitude I feel for the kindness and support I found here. The toolbox and the newbies nest were my lifeline. I also rejoined the gym, another lifeline. It's open 24 hours, I never needed to, but it was always there if I had the urge to drink. Now I can go and workout instead!
I have come to terms with some really important things. I remember the good times with Mum, the happy days, the laughter. She was some woman!
I also know that I am an addict. If I drink, it will kill me. Maybe not at first, maybe at first I could kid myself that I could handle it. But I know that it would inevitably lead back to that dark, horrible lonely place, I never want to go there again.
I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I never want to be a slave again. If I have any advice to give to anyone just starting out, it's to be positive. You are losing nothing by giving up. Nothing but mental slavery and anguish.
What you are gaining is priceless. Life, happiness and freedom. You just can't put a price on that.
What you resist persits
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