Well I suspect this will be a lengthy mail..but seen as people appear to put a lot of effort in providing support, I'll do my best to make a a fair description that others can perhaps relate to..
So I've had episodic drinking bouts started at weekends..but around the age of 26...they started to raise eyebrows..most commonly in passing out/falling asleep after too much drinking. I think this pattern continued for about 8 years...I suspect I got away with it as my weekdays would be clean...very much so in fact...going to gym twice a day etc.
I'm not quite sure where/when it started to happen (i travel the world a lot on my own, working in film..but i choose not to blame the stress of work on my drinking...I suspect I could find ANY excuse for drinking) still, at some point the morning anxiety would be so bad, I'd have a couple of drinks to settle me down. Then...it would happen on a monday morning before work...I held that pattern for a while drinking at the weekends, then using 2-3 drinks on the Monday to ease out of it. The first big blow (you'll forgive me about talking purely about work..its just that it tends to dominate my life) ...was when after a lunch time of 4-5 beers...i passed out at work. not good.
next film after that...no such issues....reverted back to weekend only, fitness during the week, with the Monday taper.
Following that on the next job I took a week off work as I was "sick". I was really just drinking.
And then recently, after moving to Singapore..things started getting really bad. The pattern would be more like 4 days off drinking. 4 day binge...like an unending loop. 4 days of intense fitness...4 days of drinking...utterly futile merry go round. Fell asleep at work again. and have pretty much trashed my reputation in the industry.
So on to the treatments...went to an AA treatment facility in Thailand for a few weeks..where I was put on 5 mg valium every night. Went pretty good, and resulted in 3 months of abstinence....but ultimately, it was never the happiest of absences..always felt vulnerable..finally went off tangent again, and started drinking harder.
I decided to go straight to the Allan Carr clinic in the UK. I was the most chronic of smokers for 10 years...and despite trying all other methods..it was only his insight into what constitutes drug addiction that cured me of it. I mean "cured" not "abstained" because I have never once craved, and know I will never desire to smoke again. that was 10 years ago.
So i figured...why can't I take the same approach to drinking? so I did...and lo and behold, it would like a dream for 5 months..but the tap started to drip after a while...I'm not sure how this is explained..maybe because smoking is generally seen for the posionous drug it is these days..whereas with drinking...I think i start feel like a real outsider in social situations. especially being single...dating etc seemed so much harder not drinking.
Of course..I know thats a myth...my dates NOT drinking werent bad...but every date/relationship WITH drinking has been nigh on disastrous.
So here I am again..back in the pit. have had a month of insane drinking,waking up 3am in sheer terror/panic and last 3 days trying to taper off, allowing myself 3 beers a day. It feels ridiculous...I guess this stuff drags you down so low that you really are only left with one thing. a drink. so you think "sod it, why not". I guess without anchors like kids or anything, theres less impetus to claw back.
But i'm so tired of the schizophrenic nature of it all. back and forth back and forth.
I guess my point is that it would be great to hear from anyone with similar experience...I'm a bit of a tough one in the sense that I don't really adhere to the philosphy of AA...I think the AC insight is a lot more accurate of the true nature and drug addiction and how to escape it..so i ..but I cant deny, neither has turned me into a happy non-drinker...so I wont be undermining the AA at all.
will prob go back to AC clinic anyway, and will see if it offers anything second time around...will let people know if it does.
Apologies for the massive long email, but guessed if i was to introduce myself,
to try and do it sincerely!
cheers ~
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