introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

[majora22]

Hi ,

Well I suspect this will be a lengthy mail..but seen as people appear to put a lot of effort in providing support, I'll do my best to make a a fair description that others can perhaps relate to..

So I've had episodic drinking bouts started at weekends..but around the age of 26...they started to raise eyebrows..most commonly in passing out/falling asleep after too much drinking. I think this pattern continued for about 8 years...I suspect I got away with it as my weekdays would be clean...very much so in fact...going to gym twice a day etc.

I'm not quite sure where/when it started to happen (i travel the world a lot on my own, working in film..but i choose not to blame the stress of work on my drinking...I suspect I could find ANY excuse for drinking) still, at some point the morning anxiety would be so bad, I'd have a couple of drinks to settle me down. Then...it would happen on a monday morning before work...I held that pattern for a while drinking at the weekends, then using 2-3 drinks on the Monday to ease out of it. The first big blow (you'll forgive me about talking purely about work..its just that it tends to dominate my life) ...was when after a lunch time of 4-5 beers...i passed out at work. not good.

next film after that...no such issues....reverted back to weekend only, fitness during the week, with the Monday taper.

Following that on the next job I took a week off work as I was "sick". I was really just drinking.

And then recently, after moving to Singapore..things started getting really bad. The pattern would be more like 4 days off drinking. 4 day binge...like an unending loop. 4 days of intense fitness...4 days of drinking...utterly futile merry go round. Fell asleep at work again. and have pretty much trashed my reputation in the industry.

So on to the treatments...went to an AA treatment facility in Thailand for a few weeks..where I was put on 5 mg valium every night. Went pretty good, and resulted in 3 months of abstinence....but ultimately, it was never the happiest of absences..always felt vulnerable..finally went off tangent again, and started drinking harder.

I decided to go straight to the Allan Carr clinic in the UK. I was the most chronic of smokers for 10 years...and despite trying all other methods..it was only his insight into what constitutes drug addiction that cured me of it. I mean "cured" not "abstained" because I have never once craved, and know I will never desire to smoke again. that was 10 years ago.

So i figured...why can't I take the same approach to drinking? so I did...and lo and behold, it would like a dream for 5 months..but the tap started to drip after a while...I'm not sure how this is explained..maybe because smoking is generally seen for the posionous drug it is these days..whereas with drinking...I think i start feel like a real outsider in social situations. especially being single...dating etc seemed so much harder not drinking.

Of course..I know thats a myth...my dates NOT drinking werent bad...but every date/relationship WITH drinking has been nigh on disastrous.

So here I am again..back in the pit. have had a month of insane drinking,waking up 3am in sheer terror/panic and last 3 days trying to taper off, allowing myself 3 beers a day. It feels ridiculous...I guess this stuff drags you down so low that you really are only left with one thing. a drink. so you think "sod it, why not". I guess without anchors like kids or anything, theres less impetus to claw back.

But i'm so tired of the schizophrenic nature of it all. back and forth back and forth.

I guess my point is that it would be great to hear from anyone with similar experience...I'm a bit of a tough one in the sense that I don't really adhere to the philosphy of AA...I think the AC insight is a lot more accurate of the true nature and drug addiction and how to escape it..so i ..but I cant deny, neither has turned me into a happy non-drinker...so I wont be undermining the AA at all.

will prob go back to AC clinic anyway, and will see if it offers anything second time around...will let people know if it does.

Apologies for the massive long email, but guessed if i was to introduce myself,
to try and do it sincerely!

cheers ~

[broken halo]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Hi Majora! and welcome

I decided to go straight to the Allan Carr clinic in the UK. I was the most chronic of smokers for 10 years...and despite trying all other methods..it was only his insight into what constitutes drug addiction that cured me of it. I mean "cured" not "abstained" because I have never once craved, and know I will never desire to smoke again. that was 10 years ago.

So i figured...why can't I take the same approach to drinking? so I did...and lo and behold, it would like a dream for 5 months..but the tap started to drip after a while...I'm not sure how this is explained..maybe because smoking is generally seen for the posionous drug it is these days..whereas with drinking...I think i start feel like a real outsider in social situations. especially being single...dating etc seemed so much harder not drinking.

AC also wrote a book about alcohol that has helped a lot of people. AL is a big lie. When it comes to dating, does being passed out drunk look attractive? No, it does not. And that's where people like you and I end up being, eventually. It's far more attractive to actually be in control of your mind and your tongue. I have ruined a few dates by letting the AL run my mouth off in my time! :H

You have come to a fantastic site, visit and post often. No one here will judge you. We listen and we help each other. Take that step towards taking your life back, it is so worth it! :welcome:

[Byrdlady]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Yours is a familiar story around here. You are in great company and you are certainly NOT alone! Let me invite you over to the Newbie's nest where you'll be among folks in all stages of quitting! We have ALL been right where you are! Also, please visit the Tool Box, it's full of tips and coping skills to help you. Links to both are in my signature line below. We are glad you found us! We can help! Byrdie

[majora22]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

thank you both..i will do just that

[corgipups]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

hello and welcome

just do it one day at a time and hope you stay close and post every day it helps you stay focused

[Kradle123]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Hi Majora and Welcome! :l

I worked in Television for years and while I was never as high profile as you are, the crazy up down drinking mindset seems the same. I also quit smoking 15 years ago when I found out I was having my first baby. I too wish I could quit AL as easily as I did smoking...
I think you are right that cigarettes were easier in a way as smoking has become so socially unacceptable not to mention insanely expensive.
So glad I quit when I did!

Anyway, I quit television about ten years ago and while the drinking went up and down still, i didn't feel that craziness, obsessive mindset I did while working.

But now my twins are performing and studying dance and theatre and i Find myself back in that media/artsy population and I can just 'feel' my skin tightening while they are practicing or at their studio or worse..their performances!

I am not certain what makes the artsy world so...difficult. Lots of people have stressful jobs and I certainly am not 'employed' by my kids studio...
I think it must have something to do with my intense feelings of vulnerabliy and self loathing. For some reason, al their hoopla ... Their hopes and dreams...just triggers that side of me and I all I want to do is drink and be very very still..

Not certain if that helps but as byrdie says,you are not alone.
The Nest is a wonderful place to settle into and we can be with you anywhere...from Singapore to Scranton!
:l:h

[Icanwithoutacan]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Enjoyed your post. I can relate to schizo feeling of AL Addiction....And to the progression like u describe it... I also have terrible 3 am anxiety and self loathing when I drink ....come to the newbies nest . ... This site is the best hope I've found ... Good luck and welcome ...also I quit smoking almost 20 years ago easily and thought drinking would be similar .... NOT! I think you're absolutely right about social acceptance being the reason

[Mr Vervill]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Welcome, Majora,
Your story is indeed, a familiar one around here.
I know nothing of the Alan Carr clinic, I'll google it.
I too, work in a similar field, news photography. Crazy freaking hours, lots of travel, mostly domestic, but a few international trips every few years.
The problem is, nearly everyone in the field drinks, and heavily at times, to deal with the stress of the job. Working crazy hours under stressful situations.
Most of us on the news side see some really horrific things in the course of a day. We all really suffer from some sort of post traumatic stress.
Of course we're too tough to do anything about it, so we just drink instead. And yes, the 3am wake-up is awful. That gerbil hops on the wheel and just starts running.... I'm up for the rest of the night.
The AL does not help. Whenever I can keep from drinking for a few days, or cut back to 1or 2, the sleep comes back to more normal patterns. The key, really, is to stop altogether. Something I've not been able to achieve either. But, I'm fighting.

[MossRose]

introducing myself...hope this is the right thread

Hi Majora. I've been offline for a while, so I just saw your post. Glad you are here. I too understand that awful feeling of anxiety at 3 in the morning. It's pretty awful, isn't it? Major reason I finally said enough is enough. I can't truthfully say that I understand your business, but it sounds stressful. I'm sure once you prove that you are sober, your reputation will be restored. Stay close to us. We are here for you.