How to keep on keeping on?

[Bean]

Hi all

I'm 15 days AF today, not taking any supps, haven't got the CDs, haven't read the book yet as it hasn't arrived. All in all, doing pretty well I guess but just feeling...I don't know... sort of aimless (though that's not quite the right word to describe my mood). I think my problem is that I don't really know where I'm going with this. My drinking patterns are erratic, my reactions to it are erratic and unpredictable, my feelings about it change often, my determination and motivation to deal with it wavers constantly.

The reason I'm registering today is that I set out to not drink at all in April but I can feel my resolve slipping and when I've tried this in the past, it's always been the two week mark where I've fallen/chosen to drink again. I felt quite agitated and uncomfortable on Friday after a few tough days at work and that it's the weekend and it's been sunny and I was meeting friends and I wanted to reward myself for doing so bloody well and not having a drink for nearly 2 weeks. It was sort of touch and go on Friday and then yesterday was really hard. Luckily I was with a friend who I haven't seen for a long tiome but she doesn't drink much and she was so supportive. Managed to get past the craving and then of course, I was happy when I got home comepetely sober and even happier to wake up this morning guilt free, hangover free, ready for the day. I now feel that I'll be able to get through another week but next weekend I am meeting up with some more friends that I haven't seen for a few years and I can already feel myself giving excuses and reasons that it'll be ok to have a few. On the other hand, thinking that I'll be really close to my goal by then and what a shame it would be to break it just becasue I'm too weak to resist or embarrassed to tell them what I am doing. How have others dealt with that sort of situation?

I remember when my grandmother died, my aunt who was really close to her said she found it so hard to get over her grief because her mother was the one she always turned to for support and comfort and now she was the one who wasn't there to help my aunt through the hard time that her death caused (does that make sense?!). I kind of feel like that about alcohol - the only thing I really wanted to reward myself with for NOT drinking was a socking great glass of wine! Actually, on Friday, I as i have read people say in other posts, I wanted to get falling down, can't speak, passing out drunk. I don't know how I feel about embarking on a new life where I never allow that to happen anymore. I don't know either if i can moderate. I want to think I can but I like the feeling of being drunk so if it's only going to be a couple of glasses then what's the point?

Most of all, I am BORED to tears thinking about it. I am resentful that alcohol dominates so much of my life whether I am drinking or not. I hate the way it makes me feel but sometimes love the way it makes me feel. I'm scared of replacing one defining aspect of me (as a drinker) with another (teetotaller). I don't want it to have to be so black and white. Ugh, how did I end up in this maze? Guess I will be bumping into some of you soon!

Bean

[betty boop]

How to keep on keeping on?

Hi Bean & :welcome:

What a fabulous post, it was a pleasure to read it .....

Well done on your 14 days AF, and well done for dealing with those difficult days!!!!

I think that now that you have found this place, along with your amazing determination you will beat this .....

[Eve11]

How to keep on keeping on?

Create an awesome life

Hi Bean,
What a great post. I can relate in so many ways. I've never liked the out of control drunk feeling but I've enjoyed the nice buzz. The problem is I want to keep the nice buzz going and it's impossible as adding more drinks becomes too much and the nice buzz turns into blackouts for me.
How to keep going? Great title cause it's a valid thought. Quitting does change your life. Long parties where people are drinking and getting out of control get boring and a person who's sober tends to want to go home earlier. But is that so bad? I don't know. I had quit drinking for 7 years at one point in time and I have to say I enjoyed living without the drinking and without making a fool of myself.
~ I remember once going to a party and dancing on the table top - I did it to be funny and with being sober it was done in a way where there was no embarrassment or shame.
~ I remember having a problem at a restaurant and being able to call the manager over and resolve the issue - but could I have done it gracefully if my speech had been slurred or alcohol had given me that angry edge?
~ I remember redecorating my house one night when my girlfriend came over and we were both alcohol free (AF) and we totally got into fixing up the house rather than sit and drink wine and accomplish nothing.
~ I got some good advice from someone and I know that this can apply to everyone who's trying to quit or moderate
You see it's true that quitting your addiction can leave an empty space in your life. And you have to figure out what you're going to do to fill that space with. After all, what's the point of quitting a destructive behavior if you do not have an awesome life to look forward to? You want to have an awesome life and that is the bottom line. I saw a guy on t.v. who said after he quit drinking he accomplished so much...wrote a book, he then went into a lot of detail on things he had accomplished. With drinking he was always so demotivated. With a huge hangover and feeling shame and guilt, how much do you accomplish the day after? So, as you struggle with the should I/shouldn't I? when you are with friends or in a situation where you are tempted to drink or go overboard (if you are moderating) - try to get an important strategy going for yourself - think about the
awesome life you are going to create for yourself now that drinking isn't going to control your life. Focus on that in tough times.
With that being said Bean ~ I haven't accomplished what I'm saying 100%. Have only started moderating this past month and had a bad slip over Easter. But I picked myself up brushed myself off and said "let's try again".
Thanks for sharing - can really relate with the struggle. I have always hated that stinkin'
drinkin' thinkin'!
Eve ~

[Rowland]

How to keep on keeping on?

Hi Bean,
As I read your post, I thought - this is me, only I wasnt able to articulate my feelings in the same way. I'm only a few days ahead of you both in joining and being 'dry'. Yea sure its a struggle and a hell of a challenge but it does get a bit easier as days pass. I can only promise one day at a time but hope for the long term. I find the site and new friends terrific. I am now making a committment each morning to myself and my new found friends - just a day at a time.
Mind your health!
Every good wish.
Rowland.:welcome:
(have a look if you wish at the thread - Not a cross roads but a T-junction)

[southernbelle47]

How to keep on keeping on?

Hi Bean
:goodjob: on telling your story!
And

:welcome: to MWO.

I have found that the more "tools" I can have in my toolbox, the more resources I have to turn to when I feel like drinking.

The book and cds are a great place to start. Then I added the supps but don't take topa.
Many people here find some kind of med really helps.
Gather and use whatever you can to get on the road to recovery.
Great to have you here. Post and read alot!
Nancy

[Bean]

How to keep on keeping on?

Thanks all for your replies. It's kind of sad to admit but having joined up I've been feeling twitchy all day to get home and see if anyone had replied and read the new posts! I've never joined a forum before and even felt sometimes that it seems a sort of weakness to turn to one for support but I guess I was never looking in the right place before. I tried AA a few months ago which did nothing for me. Around the same time I found a programme which is basically MWO. I notice that people are very careful not to diss AA but I found that when I tried to talk about my doubts and misgivings, I only felt more isolated and alone and that it wasn't the done thing to question if it was right or not. The very fact you attend a meeting seems reason enough for AA followers. Anyway, the counsellor I spoke to at the MWO type place said something that really resonated with me. She said that many people who go to AA only end up substituting alcohol for meetings (which was one of the things I didn't like about it) and also that calling yourself an alcoholic can be a limiting label. Some people bite their nails and some people eat too much and some people can't stop shopping. It's all coming from the same place and it all generates the same feelings of guilt and shame if it's controlling the individual.
For me, this explanation has helped me to be more forgiving and compassionate towards myself. I used to think I was the only one who was eying the bottle and wanting another one (how people pour a drink and then forget about it I'll never know!) as if there was some great repulsive evil greed in only me. And now I am more tuned in to spotting other addictive behaviour I realise that other people feel the way I do about chocolate for example and if I am at work and there is chocolate around, I know for a fact that my colleague can't stop thinking about it and will end up polishing it all off. (and then her 'hangover' of 'oh I'm so overweight and I feel awful about myself' begins).

I really like what I read here on the boards - a lot of humour and good will and non judgemental attitudes which I think is critical in dealing with the drinking issue. I'm trying not to fall into the trap of thinking that life will miraculously turn around just because I abstain/moderate for however long but I feel a sense of excitement in a way about beginning this journey and being open to the new experiences that will come. By the way, does anyone do Reiki? Perhaps not the right place to ask but I have recently done Reiki 1 and am finding it really helpful in being calm and centred. I listen to the self healing meditation CD most days which I imagine is a bit like the MWO CD's you all speak so highly of. The book still hasn't arrived...

Have a great day/night whatever time it is with you.
Bean