my screwed up day ... and my life.

[Rahulthesweet]

I screwed up my day today ... Left work on pretext of having a business meeting, saw a movies alone, blasted at my wife for asking where was I, over ate.

When did I start doing all things alone including drinking alone.

As a kid I grew up in a joint family with cousins of my age all around me. By high school due to family dispute I was not supposed to speak to all of them and I lost all my child hood friends( cousins).

As a teen I remember trouble at home due to financial issues, family business down to pits on verge of bankrupsy, trouble and cold war with joint family. Saw my mother falling into depression almost suicidal , then taking strong medications like lithium. I was in charge of giving medications to my asthamatic grand mother who would abuse my parents for cause of all problems in family. Saw my sister drift away and got support with her boy friend at an early age and almost disconnect from family.

With all this trouble and no pocket money I had a tough high school life and as a teen ager. No friends and being depressed , no girls friend and no one to talk to.

But that more than 15 years back.

But after then I learned to do everything on my own : shopping, eating food, watching movies. Was tired to looking for a friend to do the same. No luck with girls as I was not a macho types for girls to attracted to me. And I guess any girl I was interested was involved with someone else or not interested.

Then I started drinking alone.

I remember for so long I have been treating myself alone .... Going out for dinner plus boozing along. Movies plus boozing ...so many times I can't even recollect.

After my marriage I still cannot open up to my wife even after 10 years. I hardly share anything with her. I dont know but maybe with booze I released everything or destroyed my brain to member stuff anyways.

Today I went did the same old thing, left for work but went to see movie instead alone , ate a lot and later had a fight with my wife. Thank god I was not tempted to Al and didn't have it.

I dont know why I am sharing this. I dont know why would anyone would be interested in reading this.

I dont know whether it was my life or Al which is cause of my current troubles..

[Quakegirl]

my screwed up day ... and my life.

Wow, Rahul: YOU DIDN 'T DRINK! That's awesome! I know what you 're saying about one thing leading to another . But you broke the chain. Maybe sometimes it's just one bite-sized chunk at a time, and we need to celebrate the small victories and not worry re the big picture?
I am sorry to read about the hard time you had growing up. Me too but you know what? We can only fix today, and we can only deal with what's in front of us today (talking to myself here as much as to you). And it seems to me you're doing a great job of that,
Like you, I don't know whether it's the booze or my life. I started out 6 days ago thinking I 'd stop drinking, and everything would be fixed. It's not going to work that way. But what I have discovered is that I 'me already in better enough shape that it's all less overwhelming. It's like slowly regaining your strength after a serious illness or surgery - there's frustration that you can't take on the whole lot at once and fear that you'll never be fully functional again, but ya by day, you get stronger and can do more, and you can tackle the big picture more effectively.
Please don't be so down on yourself: just by seeing things more clearly and noticing patterns, you're doing so great, and YOU DIDN'T DRINK !

[free at last]

my screwed up day ... and my life.

Rahul,
Your emotional pain is palpable. You can tell that you want a sense of connection to others, your wife and family but it involves risk -- putting yourself out there. In my signature is a TED talk that I found incredibly insightful. Mainly that we are a society that has disconnected from others because we avoid vulnerability. And, that we become addicted (to food, alcohol, whatever) to numb negative emotions. You might find her talks a good starting point for thinking about some of the issues you raised. Finally, so great that you didn't drink -- that's a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of.

[Caper]

my screwed up day ... and my life.

Hey, Rahul, according to the time of your post, you're in the same time zone that I am and you know what? The day's not over. You need to read your own signature line - one second, hour, and day at time. You actually have a lot of hours left in this day to maybe not turn it completely around, but certainly to improve things. You're carrying a lot of baggage with you. What you did today was not horrendous and you need to separate a few bad choices from your whole entire past; try to keep things in perspective. Can you apologize to your wife; explain that maybe things are great at work or whatever and you needed an afternoon to yourself? Or if that's not possible, stay here and read ... and learn ... and post with others who are also having a rough time. Then go to bed early and start again tomorrow. You're not alone; your experiences are yours but believe me, probably most people on this site have similar stories. Take care!

[3June2013]

my screwed up day ... and my life.

Rahul sorry to hear you feeling so down. I wonder if you can go back and remember what you were thinking/feeling when you made the decision to leave work and go to a movie? Seems like a perfect escape, being at a movie alone. But what are you needing to escape from? Work, I think?

I have to agree with the others, you managed to deal with your stress by bailing from real life at the movies, by eating instead of drinking. Not such bad decisions really!

You recognize that you aren't opening up to your wife, but can you tell her you'd like to try? I think caper is right, try apologizing for not being honest with her. She is probably trying to understand why you'd need that time alone. Trying to explain it to her might help you to understand it better yourself?