Evening Guys and Dolls,
Sorry I have not been around to post much lately, with the obvious exception of my daily check into the roll call. I have had some serious soul searching and internal strife to contend with of late, and in sticking to the all too typical male pride factor, I have been doing so in abject silence. I was debating even making this post at all, but I have come to the conclusion from past encounters over the last 49 days that sometimes expressing what I am doing and/or feeling has a certain therapeutic value which trumps my selfish ego.
As some of you may remember from about a week ago, I had a very unpleasant encounter with a former female association that left me more than a little despondent (to put it mildly). It was eating away at me in a manner that I lack the poetic language to express. If my mind was occupied with work, the gym, or virtually any other semi-involved activity I was fine. But the second my mind was left to its own devices, I had her misery laced stare burned into the back of my brain. I consider myself a very "together" person these days. I do not fly off the handle at work when I am under the hammer, I make rational and calculated financial decisions, and I do my best to conduct myself like a gentleman/treat others as I would like to be treated myself. However, none of these newly adopted mannerisms have been able to wash away the pain that I have felt with of the thought of the irreparable harm I could of potentially caused that poor girl.
This entire work week has been a nightmare. I have had urges to drink more intense than I have since I got on the proverbial wagon, I have had to eat 3-4 sleeping pills a night to sleep, and my workouts at the gym have been pitiful compared to weeks prior. Virtually everyone that I have dealings with of any kind has asked me "is there something wrong man", "Are you OK" , or something similar over the last week.
After a Friday night spent wallowing in my self imposed misery behind the prison like walls of my apartment, I decided that I had to do something, fucking anything, to get past this so I could move forward in my life. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and act. What I did not know was what said act would consist of. That came the following morning.
After coming to from my sleeping pills wearing off yesterday morning, I decided to skip the gym and formulate a plan. I consider myself a responsibly intelligent dude, but my brainstorming session (I even took out a legal pad to write this down) left me with more questions than answers.
I finally decided that the best course of action would be to just confront the girl, apologize for my appalling behavior, and ask for her forgiveness. However, how exactly I was to go about this was the real question. Granted that I now knew where she worked, but showing up there again seemed impossible. For one, after the initial encounter, I doubt very seriously I would have the balls to walk in that place again. I do not even walk on the same side of the street as that Bistro anymore. Also, I did not want to risk causing her any kind of problems with her job, especially considering the economic disaster that is Cook County Illinois of late. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I could not even recall the girls name, so trying to sift through the hundreds of names and numbers in my iPhone would of been a fruitless endeavor.
Luckily, I had a moment of levity which lead me to a far less intrusive way of getting in touch with her. My Facebook account has been disabled since shortly after I got sober so I could avoid the random nonsense that gets posted by the folks I have had dealings with since moving here, but I figured maybe if I went through my history I could find a post which she responded to on my timeline.
After reactivating my account, my timeline was a big dead end unfortunately, but after I went through my photos I finally hit pay dirt when I found one that she tagged me in from several months ago. I actually felt slightly exhilarated at this point. Kara had finally been uncovered by my little Sherlock Holmes episode! She had apparently long since "defriended" me, but I was still able to send her a private message. I thought for a solid 20-30 min as to how I wanted to script my message, and finally decided to keep it short and direct.
I must of re-read that message a hundred times with my pinky resting on the Enter key before I finally decided to man up and send it.
Now came the waiting game, and the thought began to cross my mind that all of this might of actually been for nothing. After all, she would probably rather have a conversation with an axe murderer on death row than me right?
Luckily, I did not have to wait long and I could hear my cell phone vibrating on the kitchen table in front of me. My mind began to race when I looked at the screen on my phone and it said "Blonde Girl/Underground" {Note: The Underground is a high end dance club I used to frequent here in Chicago, and also a spot I used to meet up with Kara on a virtually every weekend basis. Not to defend the fact that I did not know her name, but the music is so loud there that conversation is almost impossible unless you are virtually screaming directly into the person's ear. Hell, even ordering a cocktail is a challenge. Needless to say, by the time I left at closing time most nights, the names of people I was with were not a very high priority}.
I apprehensively picked up the phone and pushed the slider over to answer, certain that I was about to be on the receiving end of a rhetorical beat down. To my surprise, she had a very calm demeanor. She naturally wanted to know why the hell I was contacting her, but she was not ready to get a group of friends armed with torches and pitchforks to track me down either.
I gathered my composure, and did my best to give her a short synopsis of what had transpired in my life and my reasons for reaching out to her. Upon my completion of this, she paused for a solid 5 seconds before responding, to the point that I actually pulled my phone away from my head and looked to make sure that she did not hang up on me. Her first statement was simply "are you being serious ? " After I assured her that I was, she basically told me that she was more shocked than she had ever been in her life, actually praised me for having the courage to step up to the plate, and that if I had not hurt her so badly she would probably be swooning now.
Well I had done it I thought, and I almost immediately felt better until her next statement of "So, what now" ? After a long and pronounced "ummmmmm" on my part, I made a snap decision and asked her if she would like to grab some coffee. She said she would like that, and, also shockingly, we both agreed on the best place to get a coffee in the neighborhood (a hot source of contention in Chicago).
After I hung up I felt so bizarre it was almost like being drunk. When I began to have some semblance of rational thought, I realized I was still in my boxers and that I had better put on something more appropriate if I was going in public. When I am not at work, I normally do not pay a great deal of heed to the clothing I wear. Comfort always trumps fashion in my book, but I must have pondered what I was going to wear for a solid 20 min, and tried on 2-3 different outfits in the process. VERY uncharacteristic for me! After finally settling on an old college hoody and a pair of favorite "distressed" jeans, I headed to the hallway to hail the elevator.
After I got to the corner containing the coffee shop, I noticed her though the front bay windows already there checking her phone and sipping on some sort of foo-foo blended coffee drink. I acknowledged her with a grin and approached the counter to order one of my own. It was also at this point that I realized how fucking nervous I actually was. I grabbed my phone to do a foursquare check in while I was in line and my hand was shaking almost like a day after an alcohol bender. I decided that a coffee drink was probably not the best idea under these circumstances and opted instead for a fruit smoothy.
She made eye contact with me as I casually walked over to take a seat on the couch next to her. I do not want to get into the specifics of the conversation we had, because that is between me and her, but I will give some of my generalized feelings on the encounter. After about 15-20 min, my initial nervousness began to melt away. Also, it was the most engrossing conversation that I think I have had in YEARS! After giving it some more thought today, I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I had not had a "real" conversation with a female since HS, since I do not count the drunken slurs that pass for convo I have had from the next bar stool over, nor do I consider the guttural caveman speak that came out of my mouth when engaged in a "white boy shuffle" body bounce on the dance floor of the clubs. We talked for almost 4 hours, with the topics touching about every aspect of our respective lives in one way or another.
Finally, I began to realize how hungry I was when my stomach began to make some very angry sounds that she picked up on. That is when I blurted out with another snap decision, asking her if she would like to get some take out Chinese (another Chicago staple, though we actually ended up settling on Thai) and watch a movie back at my place. She did not immediately cave to this, as I think her female instincts began to kick in with something along the lines of "is this all just an elaborate ploy to get back in my panties?" However, she did finally agree, but adding the caveat of "just as friends right?" I agreed.
After we got back to my place, somebody finally had the opportunity to appreciate the artisan like way that I have organized and decorated my apartment. As some of you may remember, since getting off the booze, I have gone through one project after another involving home improvement. My place is probably about as organized and elegant as any you will find in this part of Chi-town, with the only truly bitch trade off being that not a single soul has been over here since I quit drinking. I think it is safe to say she was pretty much blown away.
She took a seat on the couch as I went to the kitchen to grab some chopsticks for us and contemplate what I was going to watch. I do not have cable, as I find it a waste of money, so I stream virtually everything from my Xbox console. She had mentioned earlier that she was a huge fan of the Zombie genera, so I pulled up World War Z from the rental service and she was so happy she even giggled. She did not eat much of her food, but I suppose that is typical for females. Meanwhile I destroyed my entire pint in under 10 min.
After I began the movie, also began the first awkward time I had since initially meeting her at the coffee shop. I was feigning paying attention to the flick (which, BTW, I have really been wanting to see), but the reality was I wanted to be close to her VERY badly. We had bonded in a way that I never knew imaginable over the course of the day, and I wanted my arm around her or to hold her with a kind of compulsion that was bordering on psychosis. Luckily, she must of picked up on my discomfort and threw me a life preserver. I do not remember her words verbatim, but it was something along the lines of "I can see you squirming around over there, you don't have to sit on your hands, c'mere".
My heart rate had been speeding like a lab rat, but after scooting over next to her and embracing her, I melted into the couch (and her) like warm butter on a frying pan. Eventually, I ended up with my head laying in her lap while she was stroking my hair line and running her nails along the back of my neck. I became so enamored in a trance like state that I was not sure if I was awake or dreaming. I was so lost in my own little world that I have pretty much no idea how much time had passed. All I do know is that she suddenly stopped rubbing me as I looked up to see that my screen was back on the Xbox dashboard and she was explaining to me that she had to open the restaurant in the morning and that she had to get going.
I was really light headed after getting to my feet, but I still managed to take her hand while walking her to the door. I opened the door to let her out and she walked out to the hallway and turned around to face me. The moment of truth. She told me the day had been the best day she had ever experienced since moving to Chicago for school and that she could not wait to see me again. Then, almost simultaneously, we both leaned in and she kissed me for the first time. The trance began to return, and after she pulled back from the kiss, my eyes slowly opened to see her slowly disappear down the hallway to the elevator.
Not 20 min later, a text hit my phone saying that she had made it back to her place, and we spent the next couple of hours texting back and forth. I passed out last night with my iphone still lying next to me.
I spent the vast majority of today fighting the urge to not text her while she was at work, and I am now awaiting her to get finished up so we can hang out again.
I am not sure what exactly to make of this whole situation just yet, but I figured that I may want to get this story out to you guys at MWO since I am guessing my time is going to be much more limited soon, and also because without all of you guys nothing that is going on in my life now would even be remotely possible. I am not a sentimental or even romantically inclined kind of dude in the slightest under normal circumstances, but yesterday was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I am not nearly intuitive enough to be able to interpret what is going on in my head and heart right now, but one thing I do know is that it is a craving that tops my worst alcohol related yearning by a multiple of around a million.
Love? Lust? Mental illness? Somebody slipped LSD in my Coffee yesterday? I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for listening guys.
C
Sorry I have not been around to post much lately, with the obvious exception of my daily check into the roll call. I have had some serious soul searching and internal strife to contend with of late, and in sticking to the all too typical male pride factor, I have been doing so in abject silence. I was debating even making this post at all, but I have come to the conclusion from past encounters over the last 49 days that sometimes expressing what I am doing and/or feeling has a certain therapeutic value which trumps my selfish ego.
As some of you may remember from about a week ago, I had a very unpleasant encounter with a former female association that left me more than a little despondent (to put it mildly). It was eating away at me in a manner that I lack the poetic language to express. If my mind was occupied with work, the gym, or virtually any other semi-involved activity I was fine. But the second my mind was left to its own devices, I had her misery laced stare burned into the back of my brain. I consider myself a very "together" person these days. I do not fly off the handle at work when I am under the hammer, I make rational and calculated financial decisions, and I do my best to conduct myself like a gentleman/treat others as I would like to be treated myself. However, none of these newly adopted mannerisms have been able to wash away the pain that I have felt with of the thought of the irreparable harm I could of potentially caused that poor girl.
This entire work week has been a nightmare. I have had urges to drink more intense than I have since I got on the proverbial wagon, I have had to eat 3-4 sleeping pills a night to sleep, and my workouts at the gym have been pitiful compared to weeks prior. Virtually everyone that I have dealings with of any kind has asked me "is there something wrong man", "Are you OK" , or something similar over the last week.
After a Friday night spent wallowing in my self imposed misery behind the prison like walls of my apartment, I decided that I had to do something, fucking anything, to get past this so I could move forward in my life. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and act. What I did not know was what said act would consist of. That came the following morning.
After coming to from my sleeping pills wearing off yesterday morning, I decided to skip the gym and formulate a plan. I consider myself a responsibly intelligent dude, but my brainstorming session (I even took out a legal pad to write this down) left me with more questions than answers.
I finally decided that the best course of action would be to just confront the girl, apologize for my appalling behavior, and ask for her forgiveness. However, how exactly I was to go about this was the real question. Granted that I now knew where she worked, but showing up there again seemed impossible. For one, after the initial encounter, I doubt very seriously I would have the balls to walk in that place again. I do not even walk on the same side of the street as that Bistro anymore. Also, I did not want to risk causing her any kind of problems with her job, especially considering the economic disaster that is Cook County Illinois of late. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I could not even recall the girls name, so trying to sift through the hundreds of names and numbers in my iPhone would of been a fruitless endeavor.
Luckily, I had a moment of levity which lead me to a far less intrusive way of getting in touch with her. My Facebook account has been disabled since shortly after I got sober so I could avoid the random nonsense that gets posted by the folks I have had dealings with since moving here, but I figured maybe if I went through my history I could find a post which she responded to on my timeline.
After reactivating my account, my timeline was a big dead end unfortunately, but after I went through my photos I finally hit pay dirt when I found one that she tagged me in from several months ago. I actually felt slightly exhilarated at this point. Kara had finally been uncovered by my little Sherlock Holmes episode! She had apparently long since "defriended" me, but I was still able to send her a private message. I thought for a solid 20-30 min as to how I wanted to script my message, and finally decided to keep it short and direct.
I must of re-read that message a hundred times with my pinky resting on the Enter key before I finally decided to man up and send it.
Now came the waiting game, and the thought began to cross my mind that all of this might of actually been for nothing. After all, she would probably rather have a conversation with an axe murderer on death row than me right?
Luckily, I did not have to wait long and I could hear my cell phone vibrating on the kitchen table in front of me. My mind began to race when I looked at the screen on my phone and it said "Blonde Girl/Underground" {Note: The Underground is a high end dance club I used to frequent here in Chicago, and also a spot I used to meet up with Kara on a virtually every weekend basis. Not to defend the fact that I did not know her name, but the music is so loud there that conversation is almost impossible unless you are virtually screaming directly into the person's ear. Hell, even ordering a cocktail is a challenge. Needless to say, by the time I left at closing time most nights, the names of people I was with were not a very high priority}.
I apprehensively picked up the phone and pushed the slider over to answer, certain that I was about to be on the receiving end of a rhetorical beat down. To my surprise, she had a very calm demeanor. She naturally wanted to know why the hell I was contacting her, but she was not ready to get a group of friends armed with torches and pitchforks to track me down either.
I gathered my composure, and did my best to give her a short synopsis of what had transpired in my life and my reasons for reaching out to her. Upon my completion of this, she paused for a solid 5 seconds before responding, to the point that I actually pulled my phone away from my head and looked to make sure that she did not hang up on me. Her first statement was simply "are you being serious ? " After I assured her that I was, she basically told me that she was more shocked than she had ever been in her life, actually praised me for having the courage to step up to the plate, and that if I had not hurt her so badly she would probably be swooning now.
Well I had done it I thought, and I almost immediately felt better until her next statement of "So, what now" ? After a long and pronounced "ummmmmm" on my part, I made a snap decision and asked her if she would like to grab some coffee. She said she would like that, and, also shockingly, we both agreed on the best place to get a coffee in the neighborhood (a hot source of contention in Chicago).
After I hung up I felt so bizarre it was almost like being drunk. When I began to have some semblance of rational thought, I realized I was still in my boxers and that I had better put on something more appropriate if I was going in public. When I am not at work, I normally do not pay a great deal of heed to the clothing I wear. Comfort always trumps fashion in my book, but I must have pondered what I was going to wear for a solid 20 min, and tried on 2-3 different outfits in the process. VERY uncharacteristic for me! After finally settling on an old college hoody and a pair of favorite "distressed" jeans, I headed to the hallway to hail the elevator.
After I got to the corner containing the coffee shop, I noticed her though the front bay windows already there checking her phone and sipping on some sort of foo-foo blended coffee drink. I acknowledged her with a grin and approached the counter to order one of my own. It was also at this point that I realized how fucking nervous I actually was. I grabbed my phone to do a foursquare check in while I was in line and my hand was shaking almost like a day after an alcohol bender. I decided that a coffee drink was probably not the best idea under these circumstances and opted instead for a fruit smoothy.
She made eye contact with me as I casually walked over to take a seat on the couch next to her. I do not want to get into the specifics of the conversation we had, because that is between me and her, but I will give some of my generalized feelings on the encounter. After about 15-20 min, my initial nervousness began to melt away. Also, it was the most engrossing conversation that I think I have had in YEARS! After giving it some more thought today, I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I had not had a "real" conversation with a female since HS, since I do not count the drunken slurs that pass for convo I have had from the next bar stool over, nor do I consider the guttural caveman speak that came out of my mouth when engaged in a "white boy shuffle" body bounce on the dance floor of the clubs. We talked for almost 4 hours, with the topics touching about every aspect of our respective lives in one way or another.
Finally, I began to realize how hungry I was when my stomach began to make some very angry sounds that she picked up on. That is when I blurted out with another snap decision, asking her if she would like to get some take out Chinese (another Chicago staple, though we actually ended up settling on Thai) and watch a movie back at my place. She did not immediately cave to this, as I think her female instincts began to kick in with something along the lines of "is this all just an elaborate ploy to get back in my panties?" However, she did finally agree, but adding the caveat of "just as friends right?" I agreed.
After we got back to my place, somebody finally had the opportunity to appreciate the artisan like way that I have organized and decorated my apartment. As some of you may remember, since getting off the booze, I have gone through one project after another involving home improvement. My place is probably about as organized and elegant as any you will find in this part of Chi-town, with the only truly bitch trade off being that not a single soul has been over here since I quit drinking. I think it is safe to say she was pretty much blown away.
She took a seat on the couch as I went to the kitchen to grab some chopsticks for us and contemplate what I was going to watch. I do not have cable, as I find it a waste of money, so I stream virtually everything from my Xbox console. She had mentioned earlier that she was a huge fan of the Zombie genera, so I pulled up World War Z from the rental service and she was so happy she even giggled. She did not eat much of her food, but I suppose that is typical for females. Meanwhile I destroyed my entire pint in under 10 min.
After I began the movie, also began the first awkward time I had since initially meeting her at the coffee shop. I was feigning paying attention to the flick (which, BTW, I have really been wanting to see), but the reality was I wanted to be close to her VERY badly. We had bonded in a way that I never knew imaginable over the course of the day, and I wanted my arm around her or to hold her with a kind of compulsion that was bordering on psychosis. Luckily, she must of picked up on my discomfort and threw me a life preserver. I do not remember her words verbatim, but it was something along the lines of "I can see you squirming around over there, you don't have to sit on your hands, c'mere".
My heart rate had been speeding like a lab rat, but after scooting over next to her and embracing her, I melted into the couch (and her) like warm butter on a frying pan. Eventually, I ended up with my head laying in her lap while she was stroking my hair line and running her nails along the back of my neck. I became so enamored in a trance like state that I was not sure if I was awake or dreaming. I was so lost in my own little world that I have pretty much no idea how much time had passed. All I do know is that she suddenly stopped rubbing me as I looked up to see that my screen was back on the Xbox dashboard and she was explaining to me that she had to open the restaurant in the morning and that she had to get going.
I was really light headed after getting to my feet, but I still managed to take her hand while walking her to the door. I opened the door to let her out and she walked out to the hallway and turned around to face me. The moment of truth. She told me the day had been the best day she had ever experienced since moving to Chicago for school and that she could not wait to see me again. Then, almost simultaneously, we both leaned in and she kissed me for the first time. The trance began to return, and after she pulled back from the kiss, my eyes slowly opened to see her slowly disappear down the hallway to the elevator.
Not 20 min later, a text hit my phone saying that she had made it back to her place, and we spent the next couple of hours texting back and forth. I passed out last night with my iphone still lying next to me.
I spent the vast majority of today fighting the urge to not text her while she was at work, and I am now awaiting her to get finished up so we can hang out again.
I am not sure what exactly to make of this whole situation just yet, but I figured that I may want to get this story out to you guys at MWO since I am guessing my time is going to be much more limited soon, and also because without all of you guys nothing that is going on in my life now would even be remotely possible. I am not a sentimental or even romantically inclined kind of dude in the slightest under normal circumstances, but yesterday was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I am not nearly intuitive enough to be able to interpret what is going on in my head and heart right now, but one thing I do know is that it is a craving that tops my worst alcohol related yearning by a multiple of around a million.
Love? Lust? Mental illness? Somebody slipped LSD in my Coffee yesterday? I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for listening guys.
C
:H
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