hate my self

[Rahulthesweet]

I hate myself for thinking I can control AL. thinking I can Moderate it.

I started my drinks on my US trip and thinking I can control it. And since then where ever I have traveled I have waited for an an opportunity to pop open beer cans.

Landed home after 3 days of traveling and drinking and went to the usual bar drank. Yesterday while returning from office grabbed beers. Came home changed clothes , lied that I am going for an exercise and went straight to bar. Even the alcohol shore guy recognized me "after a long time"!!

This morning I feel sick of myself. Hate myself. It will be difficult to get AL out of my system.

[Funny Girl]

hate my self

Don't beat yourself up. This cycle is typical. Forgive yourself and try to make a plan.

[Samstone]

hate my self

Rahul
As you know, you actually have a choice. Keep drinking or stop. I know you've done well in the past and as you're finding, there is no moderation. I don't moderately drink either. I drink to get drunk.

The other part is I don't drink, but NOT to fight not drinking, I don't drink so now I can enjoy. It is a paradigm shift. I quit fighting stopping and started enjoying life without alcohol.

just a thought....

Hope you feel better
Sam

[broken halo]

hate my self

Rahul, we have to stop hating ourselves. You are not a bad person, neither am I. We are addicts, not bad people. Stop this self hatred now. You are a good man. You work hard for your family. You have a problem, so do I. But we can see what it is and conquer it. :l

[gambler]

hate my self

Rahulthesweet;1567467 wrote: I hate myself for thinking I can control AL. thinking I can Moderate it.

This morning I feel sick of myself. Hate myself. It will be difficult to get AL out of my system.

Hi Rahul. Just keep things in perspective. I dont think you should be too hard on yourself when you severely realize a positive thing about you and AL. So you accept you cant Mod the Crap. Nuff said on that point ..

Sometimes a swift kick in the rear puts you back on track. But no need to dwell on it that surely cant help agree ?

It not like your not taking this seriously..its just a life style that you need to break out of ?

[treetops]

hate my self

All good advice here Rahul. You can't moderate, I can't moderate, most of the people on MWO can't moderate.
You know you have to stop and you have to break the link between 'your alone time', 'sneaking off', being on the road, traveling and drinking. This means avoiding as many situations as you can where you will have the opportunity to drink. And when drink is there - you can't touch it. It is poison to you.

But my friend I think it sounds like you need some extra help. I may have asked this -but have you talked to a doctor, or a counsellor?
Have you tried AA? or Smart Recovery?
Ever considered medication to help with the cravings (I am not able to advise here but there is lots on the meds thread). IMO from what you post - you need to talk to a counsellor or GP - because your drinking is so caught up in how you hide this away in your 'secret place'
We know all about that - but it sounds like you need to unravel what is going on here.

Being ashamed is what we all have felt - but that alone is not going to change things. Please try to get some support in this.
Very best wishes

[Suesue]

hate my self

Don't hate yourself Rahul. Hate the addiction. Hate the alcohol not yourself. Don't moderate just give it up for good. We can't control alcohol cos it's controls us. The only way we can control it is to say we can never drink again. Everything changes once you accept that and you keep that thought in your head. We can't drink again but it's ok. It's a good thing. It's a positive thing. Hang in there. Alcohol makes everything so black and negative. Once it's out of your system things will brighten up again.

[Darkest Diamond]

hate my self

Self hatred

I understand how you feel, I am really struggling, but moderation is not an issue for me as I know that I can never do it. Feel I just want to block everything out , feel sad, I know I will drink today, I hate the way it makes me, loathe it feel now it has really got its claws into me

[Kailey]

hate my self

Darkest Diamond;1567609 wrote: I understand how you feel, I am really struggling, but moderation is not an issue for me as I know that I can never do it. Feel I just want to block everything out , feel sad, I know I will drink today, I hate the way it makes me, loathe it feel now it has really got its claws into me

Oh, DD, I'm so sorry. If you haven't started yet is there ANYTHING you can do to nor drink today? Go to a movie? I know that doomed feeling, but I've also had some luck lately riding out the craving. I've been shocked to realize they don't last all night.

I'll be thinking about you and watching for you to start putting some days together!

[Darkest Diamond]

hate my self

Amazingly I haven't drunk today apart from finishing off what was left over from last night and that was hours ago.

[Kailey]

hate my self

Great!

[Elvis]

hate my self

Rahul, you have a choice, you can stop again starting today. I think you had around 44 days AF before. Take what you learned in those 44 days, and continue your journey from there.

[broken halo]

hate my self

Rahul, lets get back on that wagon together! We both know life is so much better sober. You can do this

[Darkest Diamond]

hate my self

I'll join the two of you xx

[Audrey14]

hate my self

Suesue;1567585 wrote: Don't hate yourself Rahul. Hate the addiction. Hate the alcohol not yourself. Don't moderate just give it up for good. We can't control alcohol cos it's controls us. The only way we can control it is to say we can never drink again. Everything changes once you accept that and you keep that thought in your head. We can't drink again but it's ok. It's a good thing. It's a positive thing. Hang in there. Alcohol makes everything so black and negative. Once it's out of your system things will brighten up again.

Just wanted to say that Sue almost read my thoughts Agree 100%