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    #1

    It went horribly wrong...

    Well folks - I managed my 30 days AF and was feeling pretty high and powerful from it. I decided on day 31 to have a drink. I drank it down like it was the first glass of water after 10 days of crossing a desert in extreme heat. Drink 2, 3, 4 went down equally as fast. It was nearly embarrasing but I was home, and didn't think too long about it. Since, I have been worse than ever - drinking like it is going to be my last drink and I better suck it down fast before it goes away. Last night, I actually purchased a four pack of wine - the small bottles, and hid them in the cupboard sneaking sips until they were all gone.

    What happened to me? I have lost all control more so than ever. I can't even bring myself to come back to the place where I want to stop. What is wrong with me?

    ***On a different note - for anyone out there impacted in any way by the tragedy at VA Tech, my heart goes out to you and your loved ones. I am so deeply saddened by this horrific act.
    :rays: mdb :rays:


    Good at being AF. Not so good at Moderation.

    Lots of work yet to do!
    Tags: None
    #2
    It went horribly wrong...

    Don't give up -- you've come so far with 30 days AF -- maybe mods ISN'T for you so just try to start again -- not over. You've succeeded with 30 days -- just start again and go for the 31st -- tomorrow! You just might not be ready for mods -- stay with AF for now. Be forgiving to yourself. This is a journey and you learned something. You're just not ready.
    sri

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      #3
      It went horribly wrong...

      Hi Must,
      The problem with doing the 30 days is that its so easy to convince yourself that you can do it anytime cos you've done it before and its just as easy to keep drinking like a fish til then.
      I did 30 days quite a few times and went back to drinking worse than before.Thats the problem with giving yourself a timeframe...that time always comes.Next time tell yourself you can have a drink on your birthday as a special treat........in 2026.
      I hope you can find your way back.
      Good luck
      Victoria xxooxx

      Comment

        #4
        It went horribly wrong...

        MDB - hang in there!

        You've got to get yourself back in the right frame of mind, and that starts by getting that first AF back under your belt. You've done it once, and you can do it again, you just have to believe in yourself.

        I'll be pulling for you.....
        Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

        Comment

          #5
          It went horribly wrong...

          I'm tackling counseling head on for the past three weeks, and one thing I have learned is that you can be an addict even if you only binge drink a few times a year and abstain the rest. The point is, you have a problem when you cannot have a healthy relationship with alcohol. You may be able to exert lots of self control for long periods of time, but if the ROOT issues of why you began drinking in the first place are not dealt with, it always rears its ugly head at some point in the future. Yes, our genetics are a huge part, but we can either accept our genetics or get counseling and take the painful steps to change the future generation. Ouch. I am only passing on what I am learning, but finding a lot of truth and freedom from this. Willpower alone is not enough, but willpower is a catalyst to be determined to do all it takes for complete freedom... and that you have!

          You can do it...
          Allie
          What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

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            #6
            It went horribly wrong...

            in 30 days, think of all the circumstances you were in and yet you didn't drink!

            I think that is good. It teaches you that you can be in social situations without drinking. you had a setback when you started drinking again because you felt deprived....

            Comment

              #7
              It went horribly wrong...

              MDB~

              As Allie, AA, stollies & sri put before me, it might be time to acknowledge & accept the problem at hand. You're not ready & mods might not be for you. Take it from someone who tried everything under the sun to quit for 4 yrs and 4 yrs before that unsuccessfully convincing herself that she could moderate.
              :flower: Change a life; make someone feel important. ................. ........................ ..................... ........................ ................. ....... sigpic

              Comment

                #8
                It went horribly wrong...

                Frankly I'm terrified of trying mods, as much as I'd like to. Every day I think more and more that I don't think I can ever just drink one.

                Comment

                  #9
                  It went horribly wrong...

                  Must do better, i am at day 28 af, everyday i think, will i ever drink or moderate? hmmm....each day i decide, no, not today i feel great, look better and am rebuilding some relationships that toppled along with all the wine bottles in my recycling bin each week...I can't say that i will never drink or i won't drink for so many days what I can say is i don't know if i can have a drink and not want to continue 'til i am in that fuzzy spot....sign me done with the fuzz for today--- rudemama

                  Comment

                    #10
                    It went horribly wrong...

                    Like many people here, I cannot drink moderately. I want to gulp down a lot & get a buzz. Your message was valuable to me from the standpoint of thinking that if I get 30 days, all my cravings, thoughts, obssessing will disappear. I could picture myself rewarding myself w/a drink after 30 days. That's what I call alcoholic thinking. A drink isn't a reward for me...it's a death sentence (& that's emotional, spiritual, & physical death). Thank you for sharing. Perhaps you could try again.
                    Wisdom, Courage, Strength
                    October 3, 2012

                    Comment

                      #11
                      It went horribly wrong...

                      Must, you Must try again, you must do again - you have done it you can do it - I was told once "fall down 8 times get up nine" well next time you will do 31 or 32 days and the next time 33 or 34 but you will do it. I am always watching myself I can never be those "Normal" People well thats what we call them that can have a drink with out thinking about it - I must know that I have had 1 or 2 I must count I must be aware of my intake or I will just through it to the birds and get DRUNK that is what I do - so watch yourself you know you have to.

                      Mustdobetter will do better because that is who Mustdobetter is.
                      Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending

                      Comment

                        #12
                        It went horribly wrong...

                        Can't quite remember the quote but it's something along the lines of 'when you fall (fail) it's not the falling down that matters but the staying down. The winner gets up and tries again'.

                        Try to calm yourself because it sounds like you've gone into a tailspin and are doing some 'black and white thinking' - as in, ok I'm either totally sober or totally off it and you've stopped giving yourself the option of choice. It's not the end of the world that you've done some heavy drinking in the last few days. You've done AMAZINGLY before that. Try to rein it back in to a place where you feel comfortable...that still may be AF but you're still in the exploratory phase so this 'epsiode' is just teaching you something.
                        Well done for continuing to try. Beanx

                        Comment

                          #13
                          It went horribly wrong...

                          Hi, it is hard and you are learning about yourself. It is kind of a self teaching thing we have going here, with lots of help and advice.

                          Take care and I am here for you
                          Sammys

                          Comment

                            #14
                            It went horribly wrong...

                            Thanks everyone for responding. I hope that I can bring myself back to that place where I was before. I have come to so many startling discoveries about myself lately and I feel like I have failed myself in so many other ways now also. Hard to explain... Nevertheless, I have to get back on track. And soon. Today I feel like I have a chance for the first time in many days.

                            I hope you are all doing well and your days are free of stress.
                            :rays: mdb :rays:


                            Good at being AF. Not so good at Moderation.

                            Lots of work yet to do!

                            Comment

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