Hello - I'm Clicket

[gettinitright]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Clicket,
A lot of people taper down. I tried.. Failed! So cold turkey. But, with your health condition, I'd never suggest it. It's rough. Your doctor won't help you on a OP basis? Or have you not asked?

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

MossRose and Gettinitright - thank you for coming to my thread. :thanks: The ginger tea is a good idea. Lately I've been drinking very diluted and flat coke a lot. It's a little bit of calories. Empty ones, no less, but at least it's something. I agree with you Gettinitright - probably no cold turkey for me.

Thus far today I've surprised myself by doing even better than I'd planned. I was drinking one of my .5oz vodka yucks every two hours yesterday and thought I'd carry on with that today but eliminate one. Instead I've gone three hours in between all day. I felt a little cruddy in between my 11:00am and 2:00pm one but hung in there. I even went for a little walk too. (Been trying to walk every day)

My tummy's seems to be starting to heal a little bit and I just TOTALLY enjoyed a sliver of pizza. I'm being really careful not to over tax it. This is so ironic! I used to eat very very healthy food when I drank. I would always think "well I have two nasty habits (drinking and smoking) so I don't need a lousy diet on top of it". :H I just haven't felt like cooking at all - and I'm crazy about being in the kitchen - normally. I do hope my "culinary" love affair returns soon.

Oh, PS gettinitright - I haven't discussed my problem with any doctors. I'm seeing a new PCP next week and may ask about it - but I know that benzodiazapenes (spelling) are JUST as addictive as alcohol and can produce the very same withdrawal symptoms. I know this from researching and a friend's account - not personal experience.

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

...some further rambling...

Typing this makes it all too real. I think I need to do it, though.

I just shared these thoughts with my partner - the best partner anybody could ever ask for. So I told her that I thought I'd post them here.

I realize in these last few months the depth of my denial - 20 years of denial. I remember being in my late twenties and leaving for work in the morning feeling..."jumpy". I didn't really think too much about it - only that I knew by afternoon I'd be feeling much better. "Darn those nerves I'd inherited from my mom" (who was an alcoholic too - and we all knew it) I worked like that a lot and so looked forward to that first after work beer while I started dinner. Chillax!!!

Eventually I started sometimes calling in to work not feeling well. Lots of "sick" days and I had a lot of colitis problems. If I recall correctly after a few sick day beers my gut felt so much better. I kid you not - smh.

After lots of jobs in my field (Art Galleries) I ended up working for an old buddy of mine. I was never fired as I was good at my job. My old buddy and I both loved to "party" and sometimes split a 6 at work. Sweet. My buddy died of liver failure at age 47 back in 1997 - and I watched her slow and agonizing death. When I got the call at 3:00am , July 10th that she had "expired", I sat on my bedroom floor - lit the candle she'd given me - quietly cried - and drank another 3 or 4 beers before I went back to sleep. I'd seen her green, bloated and dying hours before. I remember thinking to myself "You don't ever want to go there. This is a wake up call for you!" That was 16 years ago.

After my friend died I was hired to keep the gallery running until it her estate was settled and the business was sold. I had no boss - no one to answer to. So, I simply brought a six pack to work every morning. Simple. I knew the guy who eventually bought the business out and he hired me to run his new shop. He'd be there for about an hour each morning and then I was alone until closing. My solution was to buy Arizona Green Iced Tea - dump it out and refill with beer. Hell - it was the same color as the stuff and the bottle was opaque. So, while the boss was there I drank my "tea". Then after he left, after lunch I'd lock up the store for a second and sneak over to the Mobil station and get a 12. I'd just refil my "tea" periodically throughout my shift.

Two days before I'd been there 6 months and would have qualified for benefits like health insurance I was "let go" because he'd hired a new, cheaper employee. I know this was the truth because others I knew verified it and I remember my boss shaking as he gave me the news. I don't think he ever knew I was drinking on the job. So, I left and I started my own house helping/cleaning business.

Being my own boss I simply just took my to go cup with beer every morning and had a supply in my car from which I refilled as needed. House cleaning stinks!!! and I did that until I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't like the thought of working for anyone because I hated supervision. Gee, I wonder why.

(Time for a break...)

...to be cont'd...

[MossRose]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Clicket - your culinary love affair will return. I promise. With a vengeance Glad to see you posting updates regularly. That is what will keep you strong. I am so much like you - don't like to share with doctors - but maybe this time it would be helpful. I only do holistic stuff, but think everyone should exhaust every possibility to quit the drink. I actually made an appointment to see a doc and get a baseline. Wow - never really have done that before. Stay strong. We're here for you.

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Sure hope so MossRose!

[gettinitright]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Benzo are very addictive if you use them long term. Used in detox, typically you start at one dose and lower daily for 10 days. You do not get a long term prescription. It's only to keep you from going into DTs, which could be deadly for some. Just a suggestion IF you can't taper. I never could taper. I could for a day or two but no more than that. My only solution is cold turkey. Just sharing in case tapering is not successful. Many can, I couldn't.

[available]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Hi Clicket. Your story has bits of mine intertwined also and i would say hits a cord with most of us on here. We all have our own stories and it is so good to share to realise you are not alone.

I could see my health deteriorating like yours, the shakes the dry wretching, the anxiety, the swollen gums, the heart palpations, the diahhorea, body pains. You name it i had it. Did i pay any attention to my body, not really but my crunch came when i blacked out at my nieces 21st and I thought I can not do this anymore.

Moderation for me is a big no like many of us here. God we want to, we wish we could but in our hearts we know we are not normal drinkers, we are alcoholics. I had 4 drinks on the weekend and yesterday i was fine but today my brain is saying, go on have a wine, you will be fine. Yeah right!. So im staying close to here and not moving.

Good luck with your journey, you will make many friends on here and find so much wisdom and understanding. I for one know i would not have done 43 days of no AL if not for this site.

[noodle]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Wow Clicket your story is powerful stuff - I was gripped! Yup the Rain in my heart films are heart breaking - a real kick in the arse for us who start to have those thoughts and doubts...
Like most on here, I could see my "looks" as they are dissapearing before my eyes - it reminded me of one of those cop mug shot series of P addicts they put up on You Tube - not pretty, and quite scarily rapid, I'm just hoping with all my heart that my body (esp liver and pancreas) can recover to almost back to normal without too much long term damage. I too can't mod - tried many times, that's just the green light for me as I don't care once I've filled up the first glass. I loved reading your angle on things, and look forward to hearing many more stories, and of course tagging along whilst you kick some Al's arse. You are in great company on here, I never had hope until I found this place

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. To my surprise I only had the equivalent of 1 and 2/3 beers made out of my weird little 0.5oz vodka mixed with water. (I explained my odd plan a few posts back). It seems to be working. I did better than I expected and the day didn't drag too badly - a lot in part to doing lots of writing and reflecting and some tearing up on this great forum.

This experience is a bit like tearing your skin off and then slowly reassembling it from the torn pieces.

Had a better sleep last night too with no "thermal" issues.

I've more to write, but just feel like chilling out for a bit this morning...which should be easy to do as it's quite chilly in the house this morning.

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

:thanks:

Gettinitright - I do appreciate the suggestion. I'm going to see how this goes for me.

available - Thanks for stopping by! It certainly is powerful to realize one is not alone. The thing with me is that I could drink beer all day - every day - and for the longest time felt just fine...I thought. My teeth got really bad and I'm still dealing with that, but my gums always stayed OK. Everything crashed down on me all at once this past July. You hang in there! I am super sorry you developed those health problems. How are you feeling these days? I really am interested!

Noodle - Hi! Oh wow - I hope your liver and pancreas are going to be fine too! I think that the liver can heal itself if not too much damage has been done. I was just in the hospital two months ago and I'm guessing my liver function was fine - nobody said anything and I know they tested for it. I kinda wish I knew for sure. Thank you (hugs) for your kind comments.

[Clicket]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Well...I guess I should continue on with my story about me not connecting the dots...

After I got tired of my "home helper" business I really didn't work anywhere again. I did play in a couple of local bands (rhythm guitar) and was as happy as can be. Rehearsals always ran late into the night so I'd just crash over at the house there most nights. Of course, after a long fun night of jamming and beer drinking I'd awaken around 7:00am feeling pretty shakey. By that point I didn't get the typical "hangover" type of feelings - really I only did way way back at the very beginning of my drinking stupidity back in my early twenties. I didn't want my bandmates to see my habit in full swing, so I'd have a smoke and then head out for home real early, making sure I stopped for a 12 pack at the little convenience store I'd carefully scoped out on the way home for that purpose. Once back to the house I'd plop down and pop open my first beer of the day. Drink a few - grab some breakfast - and go about my day. (translation: do whatever it was that I did while drinking beer all day long). And so the cycle continued for about a year and a half.

Along the way I added a roommate who has become my best friend ever and still is to this day. We both loved to drink and smoke and hit if off beautifully. We, actually, are like sisters - she being the sister I never had. I am an only child. The only surviving child of 3 pregnancies my mother had that didn't end in miscarriage.

Beer for breakfast was just what I did for at least a decade- followed by beer all day. It's just how I lived my life. Except for the urgency to get that morning fix - I really felt pretty darn good almost all of the time.

* My - how that changed:sigh:

[satz123]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Keep it up Click !!:goodjob:
You are doing a great job - changing small things - baby step by baby step......
I believe once you feel better today than yesterday - you are making progress.
Don't look back to what was - enjoy today - accept today and all it brings and then look forward to tomorrow !
There is no one way to do this task we've set ourselves :thumbs:

[Guitarista]

Hello - I'm Clicket

G'day Clicket. Good to see you.

Best wishes on your journey friend.

G bloke.

[Wine-no!]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Hi Clicket

It sounds like you are doing really well with your vodka yucks :-)

Funny that you mention Arizona iced green tea as that is my new drink of choice and I drink it in a beer glass! I agree it's the same colour as beer. It tastes really good (I get the zero one). Maybe you should try it again!

Wishing you all the best xx

[Darkest Diamond]

Hello - I'm Clicket

Hang on in there Clicket :goodjob: