Fresh Start!!!!!

[j-vo]

My main thing, where I go wrong, is getting well and believing I am normal.....I need to keep this one in mind.

I can relate to this completely, Daisy. Every single time. So, now, I believe that I am not a normal drinker, in fact, I'm an alcoholic, and will never be able to drink normally or safely. I'm not the sharpest tack in the box, but I won't let myself be fooled anymore. Fool me once, 'alcohol's bad.' Fool me a thousand times (pretty accurate) my bad.

[Guitarista]

Starty I am so aware of all my pitfalls. I just want so much not to let them get in my way this time. My main thing, where I go wrong, is getting well and believing I am normal.....I need to keep this one in mind.
My last AF stretch was cut short at 89 days....self-sabotage at its best! I always think, if I can just get past that 90 I will be able to do it......so what does that say about me? Is there part of me not accepting that this is how I need to live? These are questions I am asking myself now......

Hiya Daisy. I ask myself similar questions. I've been at day 88 where I am now a few times over the last couple of years. I think for me it has been a simple basic fear of greatness, and a fear of feeling all the emotions that come with a great life and putting oneself out there amongst it. I reckon I've had a fear of my own greatness/amazing life potential (yes. I am the greatest! lol). Might be a core belief that I'm unworthy of such things thrown in there somewhere too. Not sure where that little belief comes from, but knowing happiness feels good, helps me get past that BS lie.

Hope you're having a beaut week. G

[daisy45]

I can relate to this completely, Daisy. Every single time. So, now, I believe that I am not a normal drinker, in fact, I'm an alcoholic, and will never be able to drink normally or safely. I'm not the sharpest tack in the box, but I won't let myself be fooled anymore. Fool me once, 'alcohol's bad.' Fool me a thousand times (pretty accurate) my bad.

I know J-vo.....that is exactly how I feel right now....and I want to keep on feeling this way!

[daisy45]

Guitarista, me too. Been there a few times myself. The goal gets closer and I run the other way. I think you and I are thinking the same but I want some more of your 'I am the greatest!' , We have to know we deserve a great life as much as the next person.
Well done you....you are on the way! Me? A little late and a little behind but I want to make it to the other side!

[daisy45]

Day 9 and feeling fine!
In bed late again and up early to try and readjust my sleeping pattern. Not sleeping sometimes until 4 and 5am. 5 hours last night and 4 the night before. Trying to fix this by upping the exercise and getting up early even when I'm tired. Not worried about it though....
I have not even thought of drinking.....I think since it became a no-go area it feels easier. That does not stop me being on guard as I know from past experience that it can creep in when you aren't looking.
Ok, time to drag myself onto the exercise bike.......

[daisy45]

Done 20k again today and felt great after. Busy day with the kids, shopping, dinner. Went to mass tonight. It's great to feel productive and on top of things......when I think of those wasted days when I just dragged my way through.

[starty]

Daisy that is amazing, you are doing so well.

I become so much more productive when I am off the sauce. I love that I get stuff done that I enjoy and also have to do. My self destructive streak is strong though and I need to watch it. Maybe Mr G is right and we are afraid of ourselves a bit.....

[All done drinking]

Gang,

I never thought of it that way before, what Mr. G. said. Perhaps we self sabatoge because in some crazy way we feel we don't deserve the great life that sobriety gives us. I can go to weddings and parties and work events now and not have that monkey on my back with the fear of "will I be in control?" "Will I make a fool of myself?" Will I wake up the next day looking for cues from hubby of what happened the night before. "Was I stupid, is he mad at me?"

With sobriety comes the freedom of being in control, remembering everything I did and said. Knowing I did not make a fool of myself, slur my speech, etc. But a part of me remembers the insecure person who sometimes never felt good enough. The sad person I was sometimes who wanted to feel better by getting the buzz by drinking, only to be deceived because it never lasted long enough and to try to chase it again only led to drunken and embarrassing behavior.

We have to believe that we do deserve this great life. We are worth the self esteem and the happiness that being in control of our destiny (not alcohol) gives us. Mr. G., you sang me the line from a song once, "The fear is gone, the fear has gone away..." sung to the melody of "the thrill is gone". Let's kick that thrill that created the fear in the arse everyone.

~Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!) ... for good this time!

[daisy45]

Starty and Addy, yes, Mr G's post really hit home with me. That old thing about loving yourself before someone else can really comes to light now. We have to work on that. When we are drinking we are actually putting ourselves at the bottom of the pile.
I know other people suffer through our drinking...when we are not loving ourselves. There is a real potential for enhancing others lives in sobriety.....by loving ourselves first. After years of abuse this is a learning process.

[abcowboy]

Double Digits Daisy, I like the sound of that! Congrats my friend!

[Pavati]

Hi, Daisy!

Keep it up.

Signed,
A Daisy Gan Club Member

[daisy45]

Haha, thanks Pav!
Day 11. No kids today. We are supposed to have 3 today but their nan is off work and likes to keep them. So a wee day off. Slept in....much needed.
Last night was my first where thoughts really crept in. Had a bit of a fallout with my son....was so annoyed. He lives 2 hours away and it was over text. He is hot-headed. Reminds me of his dad sometimes. Anyway, my daughter noticed my mood and offered to mess about with my hair which I love. Sat there for an hour getting pampered and it done the trick.
Even though the thoughts were there I knew I wasn't going to drink and feel happier today.
Now for some exercise!

[j-vo]

Daisy, your daughter was so sweet to do that for you. :love: that support is priceless.

[daisy45]

I am talking to them very openly. It got to the stage that I was drinking and crying while doing it because I loathed myself so much. They tell me that they know when drinking is in my head, even hours beforehand. Thank God for them.

[j-vo]

intuitive and supportive. Blessed, Daisy!