My new normal

[MossRose]

I had something profound happen today. In fact, I have been reflecting on it all day, and decided I needed to share this with you all. I have posted often about my strained relationship with my son. I'm sure many of you are sick of hearing about it, but it has been the catalyst for me getting and staying sober, so it is always uppermost in my thoughts.

I wanted my son in my life and I couldn't have it both way. So I quit drinking. And while I am thrilled that he is taking tenuous steps back into my life, in some ways our reconciliation has seemed almost false at times. That may be the wrong word. Maybe strained, or forced, would better explain it. My son would stop by for a few minutes, or for dinner, and I would be on my "best behavior," always hoping that this was the time that he would really start believing in me. I was trying so hard. But somehow, it just didn't feel real. I can't explain it any better than that. When he was younger and living at home, we had a normal relationship. No one had to try to be anything - we were just a family, albeit a dysfunctional one.

So today, I am fighting a nasty bug and just couldn't get motivated. I was laying on the couch this morning in my jammies, feeling semi-crappy, and my son dropped by (with my grand-puppy, which is always fun). I didn't feel well enough to be on my "best-behavior." So, I was just mom for a change. Mom who wasn't feeling well, and wasn't going to jump up, cook a meal, and try to impress him with my new-found sobriety. I know this probably sounds weird, but he stayed a long time this morning. Much longer than usual. He wanted to talk. Something he doesn't do often. I swear, it's almost like he was happy that I wasn't trying so hard. Lesson learned. I guess this is my new normal. As always, thanks for listening.

[Guitarista]

My new normal

Brilliant stuff Moss rose.

It takes time to rebuild the trust and faith etc, but it sounds like you're both on the way.

Thanks for your uplifting post. I'm very happy for you both. Onwards and upwards from here.

G bloke.

[broken halo]

My new normal

That's wonderful Rose, gosh, we are learning all the time! I am glad you and your son are getting there :l

[sweetpea29]

My new normal

That's a lovely story MossRose

Thanks for sharing xx

[lifechange]

My new normal

Thanks for sharing, Moss-- I could relate to what you said about wanting to show off this new sober side--I feel that way sometimes even with people who don't know the extent of the problems I had or that I've stopped and "improved". Now I'm trying to be really real--to be ok with being seen (or not) for who I am, without the "show". I feel better about it and the response has been good so far--

[Starfish1]

My new normal

What a great message, Moss Rose! Thanks for sharing. I have spent at least seven hours of this very day, just grocery shopping, clothes shopping, cooking, and washing dishes for my family...not to impress, but just to try to please them and care for them. As I was finishing up the dishes (by myself) this evening, I wondered if any of them had a clue just how much work they really are! But then I decided just to be grateful I have them at all.
I have spent many hours over the past several years feeling sad that my children seem unappreciative, but now with your message I will examine whether I am trying too hard to impress them. That would be some lesson for me to learn - just to relax, and be "mom". Thanks again for sharing!

[SoberSoul]

My new normal

So glad your son got a taste of his authentic Mom. Your guard was down and he sensed it. His guard went down in response. Miracle moment. So happy for you. Kids just want normal. So do we but we forget what normal is when we fight alcohol addiction. I won't say, stay sick but I will say stay normal.

[Rahulthesweet]

My new normal

Dear Moss,

Like u have pretended so long to be sober. And one thing I realized after being sober was that I could make put who was drunk and was faking it.

I wish you all the best. Stay sober and you will see sparks of love coming from your son. May u be together always.

[noodle]

My new normal

Ah Moss Rose, that is so true, and I totally here you. I guess you were trying so hard that he thought you were maybe actually covering something up?? Trust is so hard to rebuild, but pride in sorting yourself out will also come back with his trust, which it will, and that will make it just so much more amazing. You both sound as though you are well on the way. So many benefits are coming to us on this sober journey, love to you and hope you start feeling a bit better :h

[MossRose]

My new normal

Thanks everyone for the lovely responses. I have been napping on and off all day and think I'm finally on the mend

[Kradle123]

My new normal

Moss:

I think that is just so great :l YOu know I also have a strained relationship with my 14 year old (i know yours is 23) I am so grateful that you share your struggles in this department. Helps me feel so less alone :h

And I love the Grand Puppy. That is really sweet :h

[Kradle123]

My new normal

Hi MR:

We have such similar journeys with our sons though yours is a bit older. But you mentioned in earlier posts that the 'real fun' began when he was 13...I'm there now.
Found this post of yours from July and thought how far you have come in a relatively short time...Gives me great hope!

MossRose;1532573 wrote: He is 21. He was a very wayward teen. Kradle - it started when he was about 13. Those were some rough years. But he has totally straightened out his life now, and lives a healthy, clean life. I can't say what part my drinking played, but I'm sure it was a major influence. But it was also immaturity, or so he has told me.

I had really hoped that by leaving my marriage and starting over in a sober life, we could repair our relationship. The last few years of my marriage were a train wreck, full of drinking, fighting and general stupidity, Both of my sons experienced way too much. I have to live with that now. Anyway, I apologize for the rant. Yesterday just devastated me. I was stranded and needed his help. I hadn't been drinking. And, I haven't heard from him yet. Maybe I have lost him forever. I am so tired. But I won't fall. Drinking got me into this mess. I can't go back there no matter what.

Boy Do I know that feeling of hopelessness and fear with our babies...I haven't been drinking either and still..the 'fun' continues...
:l

[MossRose]

My new normal

Kradle - I just saw this. Yes, it does get easier, but oh - those teenage years are rough. Just remember that it's not really about us. They are struggling to find their way, and we are an easy target for their angst. Although, my drinking didn't help, my son always knew that he was loved. I spent enough time in courtrooms with him to prove that I was on his side. Did I mention, that he was a WAYWARD teen? LOL. But I look at him today, and I couldn't be prouder, so I'm glad I stood by him.

I had forgotten about this post. When I feel like things aren't moving fast enough, I need to re-read this and remember where we were a few short months ago. I am so grateful that things are finally starting to work out. In fact, yesterday he wanted to talk about the divorce. I was shocked. He never opens up in that way. So hang in there. Things do get better. PM any time you need to talk.

[MossRose]

My new normal

OMG - just re-read my post and want to make it clear that my son was never a violent criminal or anything - just petty stuff. Speeding on a probational license, underage drinking. stuff like that. But he managed to find trouble quite often in his youth. And it caused me more than my fair share of headaches.

[Change]

My new normal

Hi MossRose, so glad you got to spend some genuine, authentic time with your son Yes, feeling sick is not fun. Isn't it interesting when we peel back all the layers? Enjoy your new skin :l