My other son

[MossRose]

I posted on a new member's thread tonight. I was rough on her and have felt terrible about it ever since. She is pregnant and drinking and I was harsh. I told her that she needed to stop drinking immediately. I was actually quite adamant about it. Her post really touched a nerve. I wouldn't bring this up, if there wasn't a reason.

I think it's time I come clean with all of you. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I was just talking to another MWO member behind the scenes, and the terrible truth slipped out. We didn't think it was a good idea for me to share this, but for some reason, I need to. So now, I am going to speak my truth - whatever it costs me.

I have talked often about my two sons. I love them dearly. They are my life. But I also had another son that I have never talked about. He would have been 26 this year. In fact, the anniversary of his death was last week. He was my first born and he was adored - the first grandchild on both sides of the family. However, he was born with multiple birth defects.. I was told he wouldn't live 24 hours. Well, he proved them wrong. I checked him out of the hospital after one month, against doctors orders. I wanted him to see a tree, breathe fresh air and live as normal a life as he could. It was a true miracle. He lived for 10 months and in that time, he brought so much joy into all of our lives. I miss him every day.

Anyway, I have been told numerous times by my doctors that it wasn't my fault. But I have had to live with the guilt all these years. Did I do something when I was pregnant? Could I have done something different.? I think about this every day. Every damn day! When I drank - I could forget for a while. But, now I'm sober. So I remember. So there it is. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe to honor him, because every day that I don't drink, I light a candle for him. I tell him I am sorry that I drank to forget, because I want to remember now. I want to remember him.

[free at last]

My other son

Dear Moss Rose,
I sorry to learn of your loss and the sorrow you live with. Perhaps the best tribute you can make to his memory is to live every remaining moment of your life with purpose and presence. I hope you find peace and your memories of him bring you joy.

I read your posts on the other thread. They were coming from someone who was concerned and knew how devastating AL can be. You should not beat yourself up over the post. Your heart was in a good place when you wrote her.

[MossRose]

My other son

Thanks Free. The tears are flowing right now. I thought it would get easier, but not really. Didn't post this for sympathy - just felt like sharing. You are all like my family now.

[NoSugar]

My other son

Hi, MossRose

I am honored by the trust in us that your willingness to share your son's story shows. Thank you.

Your feeling of guilt that it somehow was your fault is a common reaction when such a terrible loss occurs. Now that you are sober, maybe you can do the work that needs to be done to find some peace. It would be best if you could finally let yourself believe what the doctor told you. Frankly, I think s/he would have told you in no uncertain terms if you should do something differently given that it was likely that you would be having more children. Your son's problems probably arose from the random mutations that are part of our biology and the subsequent birth of your two healthy sons supports that idea.

If you can't accept that it was not your fault, I hope you can learn to forgive yourself just as most of us here have had to figure out how to forgive ourselves for the drinking - or at least we're trying to do that.

My wish for you is that you continue to think about your son and light your sobriety candle every day to celebrate the time you had together and the life you are now sharing with his brothers.

Love, NS

[little beagle]

My other son

Dear Moss thank you for sharing with us. :l

[paulywogg]

My other son

Sorry for your loss mossrose,it took a LOT of courage to share that here,its o.k to feel the pain and cry for your lost child,take care

[gettinitright]

My other son

MossRose,
Huge hugs! I crying my head off for you. Very brave to share your life with us.

[Mr Vervill]

My other son

Moss,
My heart felt condolences. You've been dealing with this for so long, for that I'm truly sorry.
One thing for sure, is that you will never get over it, but hopefully you can learn to live with it.
I get this this from a family member who has lost a daughter, and her husband to pancreatic cancer.
What's the cause of any death or disease? No one really knows. Why can some people live to 80 or 90, smoking everyday, and some 20 something non-smoker die of lung cancer? Why can some of us drink for 40 years or more, heavily, (me), and others succumb at age 24. It's biology, or not.
I really have no answer.
I just wish I could help you with your pain.
You will never forget your son, ever. I pray that you can figure out how to live with the pain, without any guilt.
I am glad you made the decision to bring your son home and let him experience some of the world.
Thank you for sharing. I hope this helps.
My best to you-Mr V

[Luckyflower]

My other son

Dear Moss,

You are so brave for sharing your deepest pain with us. Loosing someone close has a pain that never goes away. I live with this pain every day. Come to think of it, it was the trigger to drink very heavily just trying to fill the hole that never closes. Not that it helped. I was fooling myself that the drinking will numb the pain but with the years it had created much more pain. I think that my way of coping with the loss is being thankful that I have had the opportunity and the privilege to know this person for what ever period of time it was.

With Love

[Change]

My other son

Hi MossRose, i don't think you've 'come clean', but have decided that this is the right time to think about this and talk about it.

Having worked in an industry with many people in your son's position, i can honestly tell you, most of these instances are purely random. Most parents in a similiar position have been 'normal, every day people'. I've born witness to how substances or malnutrition can affect babies (and, hence children), and it is mostly in the form of intellectual disabilities, rather than birth defects. Whilst i think there is some evidence linking common birth defects to articulated causes, such as cleft palate with alcohol abuse, to my knowledge, there isn't any evidence linking causality to other, non specific birth defects. Heck, think about all those babies born with a hole in the heart. They are just random and unfortunate.

What i'm trying to say that it is almost 100% unlikely that you did anything wrong. Defects exist everywhere, even in other parts of nature. I hope you can find relief in those facts. As painful as it is, we sometimes need to accept that sometimes things are beyond our control.

[broken halo]

My other son

Rose, I think your son was lucky to have a Mum like you, no matter how short his life was. I have never lost a child, I can only imagine how much that hurts. Please don't blame yourself, this really was not your fault. :l

[Starfish1]

My other son

MossRose:l

I echo what Broken Halo and the others have said. I have been following some of your posts and threads and I really admire your positive attitude. All of your sons are lucky to have you as their mom and I hope you are able to let go of the feeling that you were somehow responsible for the illness of your precious son. Stay strong!

[Sake123]

My other son

Moss - I admire you so much for sharing this with us. I wish there was a way to make the guilt go away. I won't even try to imagine what you must have gone through and what you continue to go through. The feeling of loss much be tremendous and the sorrow overwhelming at times. I don't know why these things happen. But I hope that by sharing this it will help you heal in some way.

I also think that what you wrote on the other thread was necessary. The truth isn't always easy to hear but that pregnant woman needed to hear the truth. I am still thinking about her and pray she gets the help she needs right now.

Anyway - I just wanted to respond and say I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. And I appreciate your candidness and admire your strength!!