Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Happy New Year's to all of you here at MWO. Thank you, and God Bless!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

January 1, 2014

It's the first day of 2014. The first New Year's Day in years (with the exception of one three years ago) that I am sober and had a peaceful first day of the year. Feels freaking great. I usually get really depressed thinking, "oh know, time to get back to work, back to reality, back to real life and all the b.s. that comes along with it." But I must have had a little attitude adjustment! The attitude of gratitude. What a cool thing to have.

I feel as though my body may be quite pissed at me for getting up at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning. It'll get used to it eventually. But my head says, bring it on, baby. I'm not afraid to go back to work, or don't have that, "WTF, already! My body didn't have enough time to rest! Well, duh! That's because you fed yourself poison for the past 10 days, asshole." But no, not this year. The only thing I may have OD'd on is sugar (hope NS doesn't see this!). And that's ok. I'm ready to start some clean eating and taking care of myself. It's all good.

Looking forward to 2014, ODAAT. Thank you God, MWO, my family, and friends.

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I did :l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Pav, Pav, Pav, Loved this post and going to refer to this. Thanks for sharing!!!!!!

Hi, all: Thanks for the kind words on my 30 days. Here is my speech! Never one at a loss for words! You Loamers have been amazing to me - you welcomed me in my desperation 30 days ago and I look forward to many happy, thoughtful conversations here over our next sober years...

How I did my 30 days and am armed to stay alcohol free – by Pavati (not an Italian pasta dish, but a Hopi word for “still water.”) Beware – long Pavati post coming.

1. Stop my denial. Face what I have become. I did this by telling my whole sordid story out loud to a therapist, which means I said it out loud to myself. I am an alcoholic – no two ways about it. I didn’t lose my job or end up in a gutter, but that doesn’t matter. This was EXTREMELY difficult – I do not like to admit “failure,” or admit that I don’t have control. The first step in this was finally posting here after lurking here and there for a long time.

2. Accept that I cannot drink. This was difficult, too. I spent a lot of time over the last two years in particular making deals with myself – if you go X days without you’ve proven you’re not in trouble. Just drink beer and wine. No more than two measured drinks on weeknights. Tonight is a Monday, but I’ll drink because (fill in name of reason). I drank Monday night, so I may as well drink the rest of the week. I’ll have AF weeks starting NEXT Monday. You know the drill. This time, I have accepted that I cannot drink, and that has brought a complete peacefulness to this 30 days that I have never had before. I didn’t have to white knuckle or count the hours (other than the first three days when I was in a haze). I have certainly had my ups and downs, but they were more related to “really, forever, how did I let this happen to me,” than “I NEED a drink NOW.” I have what I have heard called “mind peace.” I have stopped the bargaining and chatter in my head and that has made this so much easier. I didn’t understand the “acceptance” part of sobriety until I felt it myself. Many of us mothers have mentioned that we didn’t have a problem quitting for 9 months when we were pregnant. I have come to realize that the reason was there was NO CHOICE involved. We know what alcohol does to unborn children and we weren’t willing to do that to our babies. Well – we know what alcohol does to our own bodies – why would we be willing to do that to ourselves?

3. Read, read, read and post, post, post. Reading all I can on here serves a number of purposes. First, it lets me see that I am not alone. There are other intelligent, professional mothers here who have gotten in the same predicament I am in. It is so helpful to read the stories of others and to find fellowship in their company. I am shy about AA or face-to-face meetings in my small town, but I can truly let it all hang out here. Also, in reading I find great advice – from cultivating an attitude of gratitude to learning to forgive, I have found great techniques and tools here. Those who have paved the way and stay here to support us are of course helpful, and so are those who are at the same stage as me – they know what I am going through in the moment. In addition, many people on MWO post resources and ideas for further reading, all of which has helped me focus on the prize – sobriety. Not one, not ever. Posting serves to help me sort out my own feelings – it acts as a journal. I find that whether I am musing on my own or typing words to support someone else, I am thinking about sobriety in new ways every time.

4. Find a thread and attach myself to it, but look elsewhere, too. I found Ladies on a Mission through a recommendation. It is important for me to check in there with everyone who posts – I want to support the people who post there, but I also know that they have my back if I’m feeling down. I actually believe that I would be supported in any thread I attached myself to around here – there is so much acceptance and welcome everywhere I turn. I have ventured out a bit and am finding new connections all the time. Did I mention that posting a lot was one of my tools??

5. Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Wow – this seems so simple. I have changed my focus from “I can’t have alcohol” to “I get to live my life with a clear head and no regret.” This helps most when I have the inkling of deprivation – I turn it around immediately to focus on what I am gaining by getting alcohol out of my life – not what I am supposedly “losing.” I can’t believe how well this works. I didn’t believe it, in fact, until I got to #2 above.

6. Work to become and stay sober. This is fact. You can’t hope or pray or wish to be sober, you have to actively work to be sober. That doesn’t mean it has to be your focus all day and night, but it means creating a plan and sticking to it. For me, this also means telling people out loud or in writing what my plan is. I have proven fairly good at lying to myself over the years, but not very good at lying to others. This has meant, for me, MWO as well as individual counseling. And a daily plan, written here or in my journal, to stay sober.

7. Understand one day at a time and the serenity prayer. I am not a religious person, but these words speak to me: “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.” Until now I have focused on the first part of that saying, but I have come to realize the importance of the second part, too. As a perfectionist I needed to learn to accept what I can’t change, but waking up from denial has made me realize that I also need to work on changing the things I CAN change. One day at a time was a revelation. Although I have heard it MANY times, I finally realize the power in that statement. I don’t have to worry about the camping trip next summer without AL – I just have to make it through today sober.

OK – I am sure there are a million more reasons that I am not just sober but happily sober right now, but I will stop here (and PS – I’m not reading back for typos or spelling errors). It has truly been a pleasure to get to know you all over the last 30 days – I am eternally grateful for the wonderful support and strength I have found here. You are all funny, honest, vulnerable and strong. Getting alcohol out of my life has been a gift that will influence the rest of my life in a positive way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

NS! hehe!

[Icanwithoutacan]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

J-vo. Just want to say I'm proud of you! Read your insomnia post and enjoyed honesty but hope you can forgive yourself and move on.....you are inspiring to me
Where is LOAM thread y'all?

[DreamThinkDo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Ican, https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ml#post1606643

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks ICan,
Sometimes I think it's good to get it off my chest. But you're right. I do need to forgive myself, and that'll take lots of time, I assume. I pray everyday for acceptance of myself, faults and imperfections. I think that I'll get there, maybe not to 100 percent, but to a better place. All of the issues that preceded the disasters with AL are what I need to take care of, but as NS said, some of these will work out on their own. Just need some TLC for now!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I'd like to comment on the "bored" issue. When people say they drink because they're bored, I see that as one of two things. First of all, bored can really mean what all people get from time to time. They need to find a hobby, something they're passionate about, something to do. If it's that type of boredom, then in the toolbox, there are so many awesome ideas to keep yourself busy. Second, I think we might refer to boredom as this dinner or evening is boring without alcohol. For me, any and all activities that were with alcohol were fun, and anything that didn't include alcohol was boring to me. I had fallen victim to Al that far, in that I didn't know how to have fun without him. Didn't know how to appreciate the presence of things, places, people without Alcohol. The thing is, I never did appreciate those I was with, what we did because all I ever appreciated and cared about was alcohol. And although it's all new, and each situation I can really learn to appreciate my environment and the people in it, it still feels strange to me. I've been doing the other "thing" for so long. My mind believed that Al made everything right. Now, I can see clearly, and really soak in all the aspects of the sober life. And it's a real eye-opener for me. Especially now that i can see with both eyes open, literally! So, not having that buzz during a dinner out with friends may be different now. And strange. But if I'm real with myself, that buzz ultimately turned into being completely sloshed. I don't want that anymore. Nope. I need to see and appreciate all the things God has given me in this life, now. And I'm so grateful that I can. And super blessed to be doing it with you chicks!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Went on our last family Christmas exchange yesterday. Woot! Woot! I'm ready for normalcy! I'm ready for schedules. I'm ready for serious discipline in the areas of mind, body, and spirit.

Last night was what I thought it would be like. Thank goodness everyone could get their own drinks, and drinks weren't being offered. That made everything so much simpler! I was getting a cran and club soda when my SIL walked over, picked up one of her bottles of vodka, and said "this is my new one, try!" I said, "Ooh." And she luckily left, and didn't stare to watch and see if I would try it. But very simple.

I was able to engage in a lot of conversation, some controversial, which isn't my thing (we were talking about the legalization of marijuana in Colorado. I'm not for it for obvious reasons. Well, it was a good conversation anyhow. Then we just talked and laughed. My SIL was obviously highly buzzed, as it's easy to tell with her. Never without her drink, from 3-10 we were there. Although she seems to sip, it creeps up on her. She started texting friends of hers to come over as we were leaving and her DH was quite annoyed, saying, "It's 10:00. Don't want anyone coming now. Well, she could prolong her drinking session if they came over without questions from anyone.

I was fully present last night, aware, relaxed, and had a lovely evening. Food was great, desserts even better. On the way home last night, I thought how wonderful I feel right now. My head isn't bouncing off the side of the window, and as soon as we get through the tunnel, I'll be able to see the beauty of my city. Yeah, it was a good night.

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

You're doing so well, J-vo, and appreciating all that you're gaining. Doing that makes it so much easier to stay on the right track. I'm so happy for you. :l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

:lThanks NS. And it's wonderful mentors like you that have taught me so much, given me guidance, so many ideas to reflect upon, and so much more.

[Icanwithoutacan]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

That's wonderful j-vo!!!!

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi, J-Vo:

I'm looking forward to tomorrow - my first day back at work - for the normalcy, schedules and discipline, too. We're going to have to work on a plan that includes such for this summer!

I agree with NS - you sound great and so strong. Been there with your SiL so many times in the past - stay for ONE more! Come over! It feels so great to lay that to rest, have a great time, and get to bed! Happy New Year!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks ICan!

Yes, agree with the summer schedule. That's one of my weaknesses, and I will not get complacent. Thanks Pav!