Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

On my first week-long trip to a tropical resort, booze-free...

Wow, so many thoughts and feelings about this past week are going through my mind as I sit in the airport for 7 long hours due to our plane's mechanical malfunction. We went to Mexico, where the booze was flowing from every nook and cranny of the resort. The beauty of the place trumped the booze as far as I'm concerned. I was able to enjoy every minute without a nasty hangover, feelings of depression and anxiety, and enjoying my family on a different and new level.

The first thing that comes to mind that I loved about this vacation is/was my ability to look booze in the face and turn my head. Pretty freaking incredible. To be on a vacation like this, I've always equated booze with sun and beach. Laying by the pool, in the pool with drink in hand would have been the extent of my vacation. I wouldn't have even cared about the food. The booze would have distracted me from any and all activities that were offered at the resort.

What I did instead...lay in the sun with a mocktail or diet coke, or my new drink...club soda with lime and fresh mint both near the pool and on the beach. Oh, I did a few more things. Just to name a few...

Participated in beach aerobics a few times
Kayaked three times by myself - incredible
Participated in pool aerobics
Line danced on the beach
Went to the fitness center twice
Did Yoga on the beach two beautiful mornings with a group of people
Got an incredible massage on the beach
Went to a spa - wow is all I have to say about that
Listened to the ocean and felt the breeze - and appreciated it through sober senses
Ate like a queen and made good choices most of the time...tried any dessert I wanted
Enjoyed my family and husband's family
Didn't get mad over stupid stuff
Slept like a baby

That's about it. And it was perfect.

Sure, I had a few short pity parties as I saw people drinking near the pool bar. But I didn't stay too long. Sure I missed a little alcoholic buzz here or there. Maybe next time I won't miss it at all. My buzzes would lead to drunken messes, caused relationship problems, and interfered with any activities.

I'm early in my sobriety, at 96 days today. So even though I felt the the pang here and there for the substance that wreaked havoc in my life for so many years, I was able to let that feeling pass through me. I do hope the more and more time I put in that those pangs will dissipate.

Soooooooo...if if this alkie can do a resort vacation with no al and have a wonderful time, you can too!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

NS posted this article. Excellent.Playing the film to the end. The actual end. | And Everything Afterwards

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Wow, am I happy today. It's 100 days and I feel freaking incredible. Mind, body, soul. I'm feeling and seeing it all. To all the people on this site...thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to my posts, lift me up when I was down, pull me through my struggles, encourage me along the way, and give me hope. I couldn't have done it alone and would never want to do this alone.

I know there's a lot more healing ahead, lots of recovery for this girl. I'll continue to keep living my life this way because i want to feel good, happy, and at peace. I know that's not happening everyday, but I also know that hangovers won't happen daily either, and life's much easier and better this way.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Mein posted this in NN:

“I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.”

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Wags recommended these books for me as I have a hard time letting go of the past...

As for letting go of the past, you might look into some books that bring even a slight buddhist perspective to sobriety specifically or life in general. I have found the following to be helpful:

The Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle)
Emotionally Free: Letting Go of the Past to Live in the Moment (David Viscott)
The Little Book of Letting Go (Hugh Prather)
Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be (Lama Surya Das)

Thanks Wags!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi Soft Focus,
It is possible to get back on track. LIke you, I had some hard falls but got right back as you're doing right now. You've already have and know the benefits of AF life. Did you read the "relapse" thread at all? NS has recommended that one, and if I can't find it, I'll ask her as it's a really good read. We want to be aware of what's going on inside ourselves, because it builds up and then, boom! We relapse. So maybe that's something you need to add to your toolbox this time? You're doing so well and proud of you for hopping back on so quickly.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Some new experiences of liberation from the chains of active alcoholism...

I'm out living and enjoying freedom, that's for damn sure! Yesterday was a bike ride into city, last night back into city - went to casino and played black jack for the first time, won some cash! Then we spent our winnings on a late dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. So good! I paid attention to how I was feeling throughout the evening. I was quite at peace. Of course there were people around me drinking, but I didn't crave it. I felt relaxed and not worried about when I would get my next drink. (I always did this, even snuck to one of the bars and would do a shot when DH wasn't looking). I remembered back to the times I was wobbling around. Too drunk to converse when we saw people. Last night I walked around with my head held high feeling mighty proud of myself. I didn't have to worry about feeling stupid or what i would do. I made good choices that that black jack table!!!!!!! And onto dinner, it was a busy night in the city. We walked over to Joe's Crab Shack and there was a band playing. Not great and not my music, but the atmosphere was fun. I think if it were a band that I liked, I would actually have stood there and danced and sang (in place) to it and loved it. All I can say is that I'm getting to a place where I used to need alcohol (think I needed) alcohol to have fun and I had such a nice evening without doing what we used to do. I haven't been to the casino much because of fear that I would feel bad, but I'm glad i went and experience the freedom that I did. WAFFFLING!!!!!!!

[winterwalk]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi J-vo, I can identify with you totally! I'm 46 and have been doing the same, I stop totally for long periods then try to moderate and it falls down, then I'm back on the waking up feeling guilty then getting to mid afternoon and thinking of excuses to pop to the shops for a bottle of wine. I start off ok with moderating, then it gradually creeps up to more and more and eventually to every night again! I hate it!! it quickly gets a hold on you again!
Well I'm with you and back on the abstinence path, I keep a diary and this helps, I write down how good I feel when I'm not drinking and when I think about moderating again I look at these (and the difference when I'm not). Brydlady is right, how can we let those few hours of drinking for a fraction of the day (I usually drink between 7pm-9/10pm) spoil how we feel, act, live, our health, and how energised we feel for the whole of the next day?? its just not a good trade off.
Hang on in there and think of all the people doing the same (me included). I wish I had a friend who was sober, that's half the problem, alcoholism is an invisible epidemic, people think you're mad wanting to stop drinking. I'll look for you on the daily roll call list and you can look for me, keep each other going

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

This was a really interesting post from "Stick a Fork In It" blog that I could relate to so much! She talks about introversion, and how we may not realize how draining it can be on introverts to exert so much of themselves when in situations that require "a lot" of us. Any social activities (my extreme struggle), work and being around people all day...not necessarily the teaching part, but the adults, meetings, parents...and anything that requires us to go outside of our real personalities. I know I've always been exhausted after a social event, I come home from work exhausted, and I guess I push my personality limits to the max at times. Now that makes sense!

Stick a fork in me ... I'm done | My life without alcohol

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

A great article about letting go of the fight!

Letting Go of the Fight |

[patrice]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks J Vo - so timely for me... I'm trying to stop smoking and needed a different mindset..
Xx
Pat

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Winterwalk,
I know you can do this! We all have the same patterns as this is a well-define disease and it's so true about the moderation thing. We may start off just fine and moderate (with some struggles) but eventually it takes hold of us and drags us down yet again! No matter what moderation tools we have, it doesn't work once you cross that line, which most of us on this forum have already done. Being al-free for 116 days has really been a gift. Everyday without alcohol is a gift. I no longer have guilt, remorse, and loath myself. I'm enjoying the simple things in life without this cloud following me. I think a diary is a great idea. A great tool! Also, posting and talking with others on a forum such as this is, in my opinion, so necessary. As my friend Ava says, this is her AA, as it is mine. The great thing about this site is that you don't have to leave your house to attend a meeting, and you can do it on your own time, as long as you do it. Stay connected!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Patrice,
Do what you can. It's still so early. You're doing so well with your AF quit and I don't want to see you blow it by taking on something so huge like smoking.

Speaking of smoking, have been smoking today. Family issues. Not my family, but my sister's. Family issues suck, and just suck the energy and happiness out of me. I worry about ones I love. And when someone isn't treating my loved ones well and I can't do anything about it, it makes me feel helpless and frustrated.

I won't drink over it. I will lay on the couch as i don't have the energy to do anything. Very down right now. I should just find a movie and lay here and zone out. i may eat something really bad. But I won't drink.

[patrice]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hey mate,
Eat something bad then try and go to bed early... None of that overthinking today! Not helpful to you or your loved ones...
Thanks for the advice on the smoking, I'm taking it
Hope you feel brighter tomorrow, take care
Xx
Patrice

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks Patrice. I did overeat a bit, overthink, but didn't drink...tomorrow's a new day.