Well, what timely posts and I'm sick to my stomach right now as I drank last night. I've let you all down and let myself down. I don't even know where to begin. I guess two days ago.
I was tired of being an alcoholic. I didn't want to be an alcoholic anymore. I didn't want to be the different one. I've always struggled to be normal, and that's what I wanted. To be the normal drinker. I found everything I could online saying that I could moderate. I got out my old "Responsible Drinking" book. I said to myself, I'm going to give it a go once again. I know that i can do this, because what I'll do is I'll work as hard at moderation as I do at abstinence. Makes sense to me. Complete sense.
The big thing here. I thought I might have an imbalance in my brain that could be cured. I've had such success with NS's diet recommendations, have gotten healthier with just eating whole foods and cutting out crap. I talked myself into believing proper nutrition and supplements tailored for my body would cure me of my addictions. Of my alcoholism. So I could be normal. I talked DH into believing all of this. I talked him into believing I could be normal. He was nervous about this whole idea. Of course. He didn't know what to expect. I had the plan. 7 units per week. I explained to him what a unit was. 5 oz of wine, 12 oz beer. I explained about l-glut. We had a long discussion, and he was still not satisfied with my promises and pitch to be normal.
Well, I said let me prove it. I took an l-glut under my tongue. I had my first 5 oz of wine. Didn't taste that great. Had dinner with another glass of wine. A $10 glass of wine doesn't taste great? Onto the last one at casino. No enjoyment. Woke up at 3 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Thought about what I'd done and the people I'd let down. It all came back to me that I'd never be normal. Ever. Not only will I never be normal, no one will trust me again. You all put so much time into me, and look what i did. I make myself normal in my head. WTF.
I told DH didn't enjoy any of it. I would have been much happier with dessert and coffee after dinner. And now I"m on day one. And I've let you all down. And myself. And I"m still not normal.
In my two day haze of trying to think I'd be or could be normal, I likened my case to my students who have difficulty learning. I never give up on them. They will get it, just in a different way. I'll try every way that I can. Some are slow learners, some need to be taught using various modalities, so I'm kind of like them with alcohol. I can learn to moderate differently. I've shown I can take the time and put in the work to be abstinent, and I'll do the same and more to moderate. Just so I can be normal. Just so I can get it right. I wanted to be in the mainstream. I didn't want this disability. I fought with myself for two days straight, pushing myself into the normal range.
What made me know after I drank, even before i awoke at 3 am? I'll never be normal. Ever. I won't get the skill of moderation mastered. Why do I set myself up like this? Because I strive to be like everyone else. I strive to be ok. I want to know I'm normal.
Why didn't I call anyone to discuss this? Because I didn't want to be shown I wasn't normal. I wouldn't accept it. I don't need someone to tell me what they think they know. I know what they think. I know I'm right. Or at least I thought I was right.
I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry is all I can come up with. Sorry about whatever went through my mind these last few days and took hold of me. Sorry to all of you who care about me. I let myself down. I lost my days. I'm back to square one. You've all lost faith in me now, and guess what. I'm still not fucking normal.
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Alcohol Free March 31, 2014
When you feel like giving up on recovery, remember why you held on for so long.
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