Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hope everyone is doing well. Have lots to do today, as my son's family birthday party is later. Turning 16! Unbelievable. He's such a wonderful kid. Love him to pieces. I hope everyone has a great day. Please check in and let us know how you're doing. YOU ALL are special and we need to support one another. xxxooo

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1585582 wrote: I pulled some books out of my attic. I've read so many, and I'm glad I saved them because I'm ready to re-read most of them. I'm going to share my list. Look up on Amazon to see the reviews, but most of these that I read were really good.

Blackout Girl, Jennifer Storm
In My Skin, Kate Holden
Drunkard, Neil Steinberg
Broken, William Cope Moyers
What Did I Do Last Night, A Drunkard's Tale, Tom Sykes
A Drinking Life, Pete Hamill
Parched, Heather King
Rolling Away, My Agony with Ecstasy, Lynn Marie Smith
Whiskey's Children, Jack Erdmann with Larry Kearney
Comeback, Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontaine
Smashed, Koren Zailckas
Dry, Augusten Burroughs
The End of the World as We Know It, Robert Goolrick
Drinking, a Love Story, Caroline Knapp

and a few celebrities books which I didn't bring back down but enjoyed by Maureen McCormick (Brady Bunch girl, Marlee Matlin (deaf actress), and Melissa Gilbert (Little House on the Prairie).

Other good reads:
Alan Carr
Jason Vale
Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey

Happy Reading!!!

That's awesome j-vo! I love Dry by Augusten. You've just prompted me to read one of his others. I might go through your list, i've been waiting to go to the library to get something.

Feeling a bit isolated too lately, feel like my only real social contact is through text message and computer! The only social outlet i get is at work and that's temporary and not really 'mine ' if you know what i mean i wish i had a best buddy! I really miss being intimate with somebody.

Anyway, day 3 and the thought of alc repulses me today. Feeling a bit more level headed and am going to head to the department store before work today. Am thinking in general to sink myself into work (to avoid the isolation) and get out and about more, eg, make plans, even if it's on my own. Might join a meetup group or two.

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Ive been meaning to read 'in my skin' for ages. Might have to be next on the list.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi Change!
So glad you're feeling better. Sometimes in the early days, it's necessary that we plan lots and do anything to fill up the time so AL has no chance of stopping in and visiting. I hope your day is going well!!!

Going to enjoy my son's 16th at PF Changs. I'm such a proud mommy! And a sober one! Have a great night all!

[istym4me]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks for posting this list. I am going to check if I can download them from the library.

J-Vo how many days are you sober? I see you joined in 08. This is a long journey we are on. I know some people that are counting into their 20-30 years! It amazes me that they are still counting!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

The following is a post by Byrdie about "going down the rabbit hole." I copied and pasted, as I think this is where I fall into a trap - Can I moderate, shouldn't I just be able to have one or two on special occasions? The truth is a big fat NO. But the ugly voice starts talking to me in pictures of people with an AL drink in their hands showing happiness, on tv/movies, and I start to romanticize the AL idea. Yeah, that first one or two is a great feeling. But what about the 3-10th drink which inevitably will happen to me. Yeah, Al loves me that much, he wants to pour more down my throat. Wait, he hates me and wants to see me die a slow death, wants me to get into that first Drunk driving accident, wants me to destroy my organs and die. So I must read this below, because I don't wanna go down that rabbit hole. I know it's going to take a long time for situations to be normal without AL. I'm going to take those one situation at a a time. No, it's not normal now. Yes, it's wierd, foreign because it was so habitual and addictive. READ:


Byrdie: "Belle...when you hear me refering to going down the rabbit hole...I am talking about the thoughts that make you want to drink. One thought leads to another, until finally, thoughts are actions and you are sucked in. I noticed it when you mentioned that your 30 days would be up the day before Thanksgiving...and that a glass of wine with the meal would be grand. This will get you in the hole in a hurry....Take the wine off the table (figuratively and literally) and you will be glad you did. It puts you in a state of turmoil.

You want Peace, right? Let us go down the rabbit hole together...shall we? There's the family....all gathered, giving thanks. That one glass of wine in front of you. What are you thankful for? blah, blah, blah.....and it goes around.

Before you know it the solitary glass of wine is gone. Someone pours you another....(oh you shouldn't, but it IS Thanksgiving, after all). If you are able to stop at 2 you are a better person than I am. I would dare to say that even if you didn't have any more....the next day you'd feel the GSR brothers...(Guilt/Shame/Remorse). And alas...this is FRIDAY....the best drinking day of the week! And a day off from work...I bet you go to the store and get some of your old favorites...

Then it's the weekend...and then you've blown it totally and why not drink... everyone else is??? The whole holiday thing sucks...all this wine around, why shouldn't I be able to drink like everyone else?

The next thing you know, the holidays have come and gone...and you don't even know where they went. (the line that spoke to me...)

You find yourself feeling anxious, alone and depressed....because here you are right back where you started....Day Freakin 1. If you are me, it's was this point I didn't care if I lived or died...everything I had worked for had gone to hell in a basket.

BUT, let us back up for a second, and relive this whole thing of my rabbit hole theory. Your 30 day anniversary is celebrated by your friends in the nest! And day 31 is Thanksgiving. You wake up with a clear head and are able to enjoy your food and the people. You are sober now, you don't drink. You don't so much RESIST the drink as you do REFUSE IT...you actually remember the day (what people said) and you are FREE of the demon that wants so badly to live in you. The next day you feel like you've won a victory!! YOU HAVE DONE IT! You've gotten thru your first Turkey Day without AL! On to day 32, and girl I'll tell you, no drink tastes better than being sober feels.

By Christmas, instead of being a blurry mess, you will be in control!! No guilt! No Shame! No Remorse! You will never regret being sober. You know how the story ends...make it happen!!! When you feel your thoughts going there....tell yourself NO! HELL NO! And recite the Pledge of Allegience, or name the 7 Dwarfs or Dwarves....google whether it's Dwarfs or Dwarves.....do anything you have to do to get that thought out of your head. Don't go down the rabbit hole. I've been there and trust me, there's no good to be had down there. Keep your quit no matter what or no matter who!!! I'll be perched up on your shoulder and I will knock you up side the head if you think of having a glass of wine!!! Deal??? Love you all!! Byrdie"

__________________

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi Isty, I'm on day 28. Yes, I've been here for a while - off and on. I actually tried everything from moderating, to AA to baclofen (down in the meds section) to rational recovery, to reading a thousand books for inspiration, to trying moderating so many times I can't count, to supps and CD's. Yep. You name it and I've tried it. But I feel different this time around. It's almost ike, "ok, nothing works, so al doesn't work. Yes, I have my moments with the voices. But reading things like Byrdie posted and other posts really help to get my head back on straight. I don't want to fall back into the trap of believing I can moderate, believe that I can do this only on special occasions. It always leads to bad things for me. Knowing me, I'd count the days until my special occasion and not live in the moment. And then the next special occasion will be even sooner than the first, until my special occasions are every friday and sat, and back into the throes of this nasty addiction. It's a physical and mental addiction and I would like to beat its ugly ass. Good to see you here. And I like reading your posts in the nest. Let's support each other!

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi, Everyone:

That Rabbit Hole post was necessary for me to hear when I did. Byrdie has a knack for that, I have discovered.

J-Vo - What exactly is different this time? I am curious to know. What feels different for me is posting here. I just joined for the first time (although I have read off and on for a long time).

Awesome that you could be a great sober mom for your son. My niece's birthday party was fun (and sober for me), too. I stayed up and worked on a jigsaw puzzle with my sisters and actually found a lot of pieces and made progress.

Change, I feel like I don't really want the taste of alcohol, nor the feeling 15 minutes in, but I do feel like I would like the "relief" of the first couple of sips - I don't feel like that always, just from time to time. But then I play out the Rabbit Hole scenario and I come to my senses.

Good night, all.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Starting over

j-vo;1586629 wrote: Hi Isty, I'm on day 28. Yes, I've been here for a while - off and on. I actually tried everything from moderating, to AA to baclofen (down in the meds section) to rational recovery, to reading a thousand books for inspiration, to trying moderating so many times I can't count, to supps and CD's. Yep. You name it and I've tried it. But I feel different this time around. It's almost ike, "ok, nothing works, so al doesn't work. Yes, I have my moments with the voices. But reading things like Byrdie posted and other posts really help to get my head back on straight. I don't want to fall back into the trap of believing I can moderate, believe that I can do this only on special occasions. It always leads to bad things for me. Knowing me, I'd count the days until my special occasion and not live in the moment. And then the next special occasion will be even sooner than the first, until my special occasions are every friday and sat, and back into the throes of this nasty addiction. It's a physical and mental addiction and I would like to beat its ugly ass. Good to see you here. And I like reading your posts in the nest. Let's support each other!

Wow, this is how my works to a T. I couldn't describe it more accurately.
I am starting counting from day 1 again, yet not discounting the 19 days I had sober. There were days I counted twice because I messed up.
Last night I drank a bottle alone for no reason. I was bored, that isn't a reason.
God give me strength, this has really gotten out of control and taken over my life.

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Eloise;1586681 wrote: Wow, this is how my works to a T. I couldn't describe it more accurately.
I am starting counting from day 1 again, yet not discounting the 19 days I had sober. There were days I counted twice because I messed up.
Last night I drank a bottle alone for no reason. I was bored, that isn't a reason.
God give me strength, this has really gotten out of control and taken over my life.

Yeah, it sucks. Just gotta start again. I didn't tonight, cos i just couldn't be bothered. Felt the urge though. Gonna work on my boundaries cos i'm feeling a lil angry tonight.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Yeah, I was feeling angry at myself this morning. I went to work anyhow, couldn't have stayed home but I didn't- that was good.
Hang in there Change!

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Na, i was angry in general. Anxious today and sick of being isolated. Sick of being single and having hardly any friends. Got a day off and too miserable and sulky to enjoy it. Have decided i am going to plunge myself out there and do something out of the box. Also, sick of coming home to an empty house (live on my own) and isolating experience. Lol. Waiting for my life to take off, but feels like 'this is it' as jack nicholson would say.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi all! Boy was I a cranky bitch today. All day at work, not a happy camper. I've narrowed it down to PMS. It's a few days too early, but I'm going to blame it on that because I was just feeling down for no reason, and that usually does it for me. Or maybe because I didn't get the sleep I actually need. Maybe a combo, but I promised myself I'd be a lazy bum on the couch tonight, and I'm doing just that. I love to do this, especially when it's cold and windy outside. Yep, snuggling on my couch with my doggie! Gonna watch a few shows later. IT took me so long to get through Newbie's Nest, but glad I did. I have a few things below that I copied and pasted here. I need to know that modding never worked for me and I need to stick to it. My rock bottom was not a DUI, getting arrested, cirrohis or pancreatitis. But it could have been, and I don't want that to happen. Alcohol caused lots of strain on my marriage, a son who saw more than he ever should, which caused him to get really upset and worried about me, lots of sick days taken, depression, anxiety, loss of self esteem, embarrassing situations...So that's plenty of rock bottoms.

Pavati, you ask what is different this time. I think the many times I've attempted this, I said to myself, "I can't drink. I felt I was forbidden. I looked at it as I was missing out on something, something that was never good to me in the first place, something that caused havoc such as my examples above. I "want" to abstain for my health, for my loved ones, and mostly for me and peace of mind. I'm a completely different person when I'm not drinking, and that right there says it all. I want to be the person I am, the real me, and I can't be the real me when I drink. So glad you had a great nieces birthday and quality time with your sisters!

Eloise, keep reading and posting, love! It takes a lot of learning, making mistakes, getting back on your feet. YOU can do this darling, and we're here to cheer you on.

Change, "angry" is part of HALT. Is there anything you can do to reduce the anger? Walk, punching bag, pillow, talk to someone? Watch a funny movie? Check back and let us know how you're feeling.
Ok, have a good night. Below are some thoughts I copied and pasted from the nest.

LifeChange, thanks for sharing your experience from yesterday. You're so right! We do strengthen
ourselves with each success. I'm not at it's the "norm" for me, but I feel that I"ll get there. Goin' in my journal.

NoSugar, you're words, "a little awakens the best. I truly believe that. That's something that i need to keep remembering so I may post that in my journal. Yep, it whines a little, but after awhile that voice is quiet as long as you never give in...

Byrdie, in my journal also...If you want it to be easier, let go of the idea that you can drink again.

Off to post these last three words of wisdom into my journal. Peace all.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Oh yes, I lived alone for most of my life. Made me miss the company of school/dorm life. Not eating every meal alone. Well guess what? After 17 years (I was married for a brief 2 years & he traveled all the time) I did meet someone & now we are together all the time which makes me a little nuts too.
Ah, but I am still happy we finally found each other.
If I can meet someone believe me you can too.
I didn't even bother to date!
I understand your frustration all to well. Life changed for me after grad school & I finally had a job I could sink my teeth into. So, I would say work on yourself & the rest will come together. Quoting alcohol is a great starting point. Good for you!!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

What the hell, gonna post a few more things from my notebook:

*Mr. Verill - train our brain to accept sobriety as being better than hangovers, anxiety, sickness. We can succeed.

*Saying "forever" sets us up to fail. Say ODAT.

*Broken Halo - Communicate how you feel before acting on it.