Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

*Byrdie - Goin' down the rabbit hole (posted above).

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Eloise;1587018 wrote: Oh yes, I lived alone for most of my life. Made me miss the company of school/dorm life. Not eating every meal alone. Well guess what? After 17 years (I was married for a brief 2 years & he traveled all the time) I did meet someone & now we are together all the time which makes me a little nuts too.
Ah, but I am still happy we finally found each other.
If I can meet someone believe me you can too.
I didn't even bother to date!
I understand your frustration all to well. Life changed for me after grad school & I finally had a job I could sink my teeth into. So, I would say work on yourself & the rest will come together. Quoting alcohol is a great starting point. Good for you!!

Well, i am pretty much a social retard, but thanks for your faith anyway! I've applied for 17 jobs in my field over the past month or two and guess what? Rejection after rejection, which i expected because it is a competitive field. My ideal job has come up and the deadline is late next week, so i am going to appy for that and get it!

Have decided to fly the coup today. Have cancelled all scheduled for today and don't have anything on for the next few days, so am packing the car with a day worth of clothes and my wallet and am going to visit a friend in the country and god knows when i'll be back. Might just keep driving! Will check in when i get back

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Change, enjoy your time away. Be careful!

Eloise, I don't know how I missed your post above. Is that maybe what they call "cross-posting?" You're in a new relationship? That would be difficult after not having to answer to anyone for so long. You said you're in a new country? I can't remember. I've been reading so much!

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks for your long and thoughtful posts, J-vo. I appreciate your culling the gems from the Nest and sharing them here. I do read most of what is written there, I just find it so hard to respond to everyone, and I am usually the last of the day.

My sister got separated from her husband the year her last kid went to college - she went from full family, sports, dinners, etc. to being pretty much alone a lot of the time. She has a lot of friends, but nightly it is not the same. When we talk, she covets my lively life (in a SMALL apt. with two big boys and a husband), and I covet her alone time. I was an alone drinker, however. I am usually much better when my family is around (at least until the boys went to sleep).

Something you said resonated with me - my bottom was none of those things, either, but it certainly could have been. I have plenty of alcoholism in my family and I can see the havoc it can wreak out of the blue. In some ways, the bottom not being "that bad" can be more of a mind game. I have read this many times on this site, and I know it is an illusion, but I understand the illusion now that I am living it. That COULD easily be me in months? Years? Weeks? if I start drinking again. Who needs that?

Anyway - I really do have to go to bed now. J-Vo, big day tomorrow. Eloise, hang tight. Thanks for your widsom, LC. Change, I am jealous of your spontaneous trip - have a great time. I Can.. - come back! I'm sorry if I missed anyone. Zzzzzz.

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1587016 wrote:

Pavati, you ask what is different this time. I think the many times I've attempted this, I said to myself, "I can't drink. I felt I was forbidden. I looked at it as I was missing out on something, something that was never good to me in the first place, something that caused havoc such as my examples above. I "want" to abstain for my health, for my loved ones, and mostly for me and peace of mind. I'm a completely different person when I'm not drinking, and that right there says it all. I want to be the person I am, the real me, and I can't be the real me when I drink. So glad you had a great nieces birthday and quality time with your sisters!

Hi, j-vo

I think this is day 30 for you -you've certainly done it in great style ! Your posts are helpful to the people ahead of you as well as those with and behind you. Thanks.

I'm not sure when it happened but for me, "I can't drink" changed to I choose not to drink and finally to I don't HAVE to drink!

It is a monumental shift in thinking because the awareness of being out of AL's grip helps you notice and appreciate the smallest details of everyday life. Once I didn't need to drink, there was so much AL-related BS I no longer had to do or think about and so much freedom to do things at any time of day that I wanted (or truly needed) to do.

I was deliberately choosing not to drink and acting like a sober person for a good long while and at some point had the miraculous realization that I had become one. I think you will, too :l.

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Quick drive by this morning - J-Vo, here's one for your notebook from Sunbeam in the 100 day thread:

I've learned that occasions are more special for me without alcohol. There is nothing special at all for me about drinking any amount, because sooner or later it leads to too much.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1587038 wrote: Change, enjoy your time away. Be careful!

Eloise, I don't know how I missed your post above. Is that maybe what they call "cross-posting?" You're in a new relationship? That would be difficult after not having to answer to anyone for so long. You said you're in a new country? I can't remember. I've been reading so much!

Yeah, in the Netherlands & got married last April... Freaky!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Evening all,
Today is day 30 for me! It's been a wonderful month. I can't say I've had more than a few "grumpy" days. So I'd call that a success. There were the same difficult days, some evenings where I was too tired to do what I needed to do, but that would have been a thousdand times worse had I been drinking. I'm thankful that the good Lord set me on my road to recovery, yet once again. He believes in me, and now it's time I believe in me, too.

Pavati, I appreciate your coming here and supporting me! I feel a great connection with you. And my "too long" posts are probably just that. Maybe people bypass them in the nest because they see too much "stuff!" I tend to overdo so maybe I should write smaller posts. Maybe more people would read them? I haven't gotten much of a response to them, but that's ok. I'm saying things I need to say for my sobriety, and hopefully to help others. I was an "alone" drinker as well, and preferred it that way because I drank too much. Before my last quit, I constantly worried when we would go out that we wouldn't see anyone just in case I'd had too much, which was almost always the case. That's my lonely bottom. Yes, I agree with your rock bottom can be more mind games, in that we think at times we can justify the moderation route more easily. Thanks for Sunbeam's comment! It's here forever! And where's the 100 day thread? Sorry about your sister's difficulty time. That has to be really hard and such a drastic change for her. My close friend just lost her husband. She's my age, and hubby was a few years younger. He was diagnosed with colon cancer on June 14 and gone by September 14. So sad, I feel terribly for her, and can't imagine the loneliness she's going through right now.

No Sugar, thank you so much!! The change over time for you is what I hope happens to me. I hope I progress that way, and not backwards as I have in the past attempts. Doing so well, then thinking that I could moderate because, hey, as I said above, my rock bottom was never a DUI, serious illness...but in some ways, not hitting that extreme low can cause our minds to play tricks on us. I'm not falling for it this time. And yes, the freedom that comes with sobriety is such an amazing feeling. Don't ever wanna lose that! I like how you said, "act like a sober person" until you become one. I'm playing the part now, and I'm going to wake up one day knowing I'm that person.

Eloise! Netherlands! Is it beautiful? I'm sure it is. How long have you been there? Where are you from originally? I went to Italy over the summer to visit relatives and to see the beautiful country. Wow, it was an incredible visit. I have so many beautiful Italian relatives and hope to see them again someday. Are you close to any family? Stay strong, my friend.

Have a lovely evening!

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi, J-Vo:

I get the need to write long posts - I think I compensate by writing many shorter posts. I find it hard to keep up with all of the goings on in the Nest and hard to read and respond to everyone's posts. I also find that not many people respond directly to any on person's posts. Keep writing and writing if it helps.

Congratulations on your 30 days - that is a great accomplishment. Keep it going!

Eloise - How DID you end up in the Netherlands? How did you meet the new guy?

Stay strong everyone - still looking for I Can...

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Busy, busy today! After work, faculty meeting, chiropractor, then basketball meeting for parents. But I'm happy and sober, so nothing's holding me back from gettin' her done!!!

Pav, I think it does help me. It also helps me to read tons. Love to read and remind myself that one or two leads to so many more, and ultimately the loss of more precious life.

By: LuckyFlower. Thank you!
Please, please, please do not kid yourselves.
Those of you who had made the decision to drink and those who are still debating. I only ask one thing of you:

Please go back to your first posts, when you had just started your journey here.
Read your posts.
Remember what brought you to MWO.
Read through the sadness, the misery, the self loath written by YOU
Continue reading through your progress and the happiness, the joy, the clear mind, the sober feeling (the best feeling in the world)

And then if you still decide to drink then what can I say?
You are the only ones responsible for your life actions.
I will love you the same. I will not judge you. You will still be very dear to me.
This much I can control.
I will not be able to control the way you’ll feel about yourselves after the drinking. Do you think that the lousy glass of wine or whatever your poison is will be worth all the hard work you had put into getting sober?

I’m with Byrdie, with Dave and other members here knowing I will not drink. Not on Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other holiday.
I am fully committed to my sobriety. I love it. I will protect it no matter what. No drink in the world can replace or measure up to the way I feel today or even on a bad day. I finally DEAL with my life without drowning my sorrow or blacking out just so I can get up hung-over the next day and realize that whatever problem I am facing – just got bigger thanks to AL.

I hope I wasn’t too harsh you guys. I love you all. I’m just concerned and can already picture the after the holiday posts.

Have a wonderful AF day today.

[lifechange]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Morning Jvo!!! I'm running off to work but I want to say another Congrats on your 30 days yesterday. I am looking forward to reading through your whole journal this weekend-- with a cup of tea! You are doing such a great job, your posts are so thoughtful. I'm really happy to have you as part of this community of sobriety seekers!!! Hope you have a fabulous Thursday..

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

No, not too harsh Jvo,
I have a holiday dinner this week-end I may ditch at the last minute for obvious reasons.
Not done that Carr book yet either- more than 1/2 way though & waiting for the magic.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Free at Last Writes:

Am on a mission to attain three consecutive months of sober, joyful living. Wrote this in April 2011 after asking the questions Who am I?" what do I want? What is my path?

"This is what I have to say to you -- that the divine is all around you and within you.

Your physical body is a vessel that holds your life force -- the life force.
Do not contaminate it. Treat it as a vessel that carries gold or precious jewels.

The energy within, which you have glimpsed is yours, your light to share with the universe.

Do not diminish your light, but rather fuel it with kindness, lovingness, and you will cease to crave anything.

I say this, but you already know it to be true. Honor the life force within you for that is divine.

Compassion is strength.
Humility is noble.
Seek peace and it will find you."

[Cocoflo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

J-Vo - congrats on 30 days! What an accomplishment.

Your words "Doing so well, then thinking that I could moderate because, hey, as I said above, my rock bottom was never a DUI, serious illness...but in some ways, not hitting that extreme low can cause our minds to play tricks on us." This has been my downfall too, maybe that is why is so important to post in the early days, then refer back to remember feelings, both physical & emotional.

have a good day everybody!!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I was thinking about "what is different for me this time." I know Pavati asked me this last week, but I need to search and reflect a little more on this, because this time is different. But oh, how i know these things can change in a second, so I will not let the notion of "hey, I'm strong now, don't need to think about this much" get into my head.

Well, what made me go back to drink all the other times? Of course, my AL voice telling me that I could moderate. That I could have one or two or three! Well, if it was anything, it was NEVER less than three and three didn't happen often. Sure I could go all week, then by the weekend, it was binge time.
No matter if I kept a note near my makeup vanity which read "Remember to moderate this weekend...No more than...drink water...eat..." Shit, that didn't happen. Why would I eat and ruin my precious buzz! Why would I dilute with water? The goal here, people, is to get plastered!

But what is different now? Now, I have the awareness that I can't let my guard down. That if I let my guard down, I will go down the rabbit hole. If I go down the rabbit hole, I'll have the same crap of a life that I've lived for so very long. Sure, on the outside, it's pretty. I've got a nice house, great job, good husband, wonderful son, loving family. But what I didn't have was me. The real, goofy as I am, me. I didn't have my self-esteem (working on that) and as someone said, I think Lovely, we stay "frozen in time." We don't grow mentally. I'm still mentally 25 (and so mentally, my boobs aren't sagging!) Physically I'm almost 49. Wow, that's a lot of time lost, but damn if I'm gonna lose anymore. Londoner said, "AL has stopped any progression of life." Eloquently put for such a young man. And yes, I agree. I don't want to miss out on any more of my precious life that God has given to me. I'm gonna fake it till I make it, and if it takes forever (oops, don't like that word) then so be it. ODAT, baby. ODAT.

Coco, I agree. As with anything, you start off with a bang. Then as the days go on, you get lazy, our minds get lazy, and that's when these thoughts start creeping in. We've got to have that guard up everyday. Everyday we must say, "I will not drink today." At least for a very long time. And I don't know what a long time is, because I've never gotten there. So now, it's ODAT.

LifeChange, Thanks!!!! And thank you for your support! I greatly appreciate it! So thankful for people like you. It makes all the difference.

Eloise, Carr's book is really good. Another really good read is Caroline Knapp, "A Love Story." I'm going to start rereading that one shortly. Oh, and Mary Carr (no relation to Alan I believe) "Lit." Both excellent journalists.

Hi Pav! Hope your day was good!