Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Bellegirl writes:

j-vo asked me for any wise words for a newbie. I don't know if any of this is wise, but I will tell you the 4 things that keep me sober.

1) I never think about not drinking for "forever". That is just too much to deal with, even after nearly 2 years. All I know, every day, is that I am not going to drink Today.

2) I frequently play out the drinking scenario in my head, like Pavati mentioned. I don't really have cravings anymore, but walking though that scenario is like doing exercise to keep my AF muscles strong. It goes something like this: I remember how that first gulp of vodka is so wonderful and warming...and then when it starts wearing off, going for the second. That one wears off more quickly so I go for the third, which wears off even more quickly...and on it goes to where I don't think I'm drunk, but obviously am to anyone else. And then I fast forward to waking up with the G/S/R brothers...and the hangover which kills an entire day.

3) I learned how to say a polite but firm "No Thank You" when offered alcohol. I have never announced to friends and family (except my brother) that I am not drinking, I just take it one event at a time of "no thank you's".

4) I have a signature mocktail for when I go out. I call it the "Belle-a-rita" (thanks to my 10 year old daughter for naming it). It is simply half cranberry juice, half club soda with a twist of lime. The lime twist is important because it makes it feel festive.

I'm gonna toast to you, Bellegirl, with a "Belle-a-rita!"

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

NO GSR's for me! That would be NO GUILT, SHAME, and REMORSE.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Left work because I was feeling pretty sick with a nasty head cold, drained. But not hungover and I'd much rather have a head cold than be hungover, thank you very much.

After my long, long nap, I felt a little better. I watched the whole documentary called, "Rain In My Heart" on Youtube. It was a really sad documentary, but an eye opener. Two of the people died from liver disease, and one it said was in recovery. In my life, I've seen three people in the same state as was in the documentary. Three. And they looked exactly the same physically. One of the three has died. Two were luckily saved just in time. Their livers regenerated just enough so that they could heal. All three were extremely jaundice, and it scared me as I saw it. At the time of me seeing this, I thought about my drinking and knew I needed to quit. I could be in that hospital bed, fighting for my life, for survival. But then the moment fades. It did for me, even though seeing it firsthand scared the shit out of me. It faded still. Why? How could that fade? How could seeing someone like that fade in my mind? Did I think I wasn't as bad, that I didn't drink like they did to land me right where they were - almost dead? It can happen to anyone! It can happen to me! My liver has hurt, had dull pains in the past. What did I think then? Oh, I knew. I knew I could have fatty liver, hepatitis, leading towards cirrohsis. But I continued to drink. WTF? AL is the biggest freaking bastard. THAT'S WHY! He's a sneaky fucker. He doesn't give a shit about me. He's a murderer. YEP. That's what he is. Well, to those of us with AL problems. I don't want this to fade. I want to remember, keep it fresh in my mind. I will keep typing in my journal, and keep reading here, as I will not drink anymore. I will not be murdered by AL.

Two posts I read today that I'd like to quote:

K-9: A craving never lasts as long as a hangover, and you'll never wake up in the morning wishing you'd drank the night before.

Rahul: When things are good, it (AL) doesn't let me enjoy it. When things are not good, it (AL) makes me more depressed. YEP. AGREED.

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

This thread is interesting, i love your musings j-vo.

Update: i flew the coup a couple of days ago, for one day and night, and it was great. Had a moderate amount of al, but it was manageable. Then arrived back in city and got called away for work, another road trip and really enjoyed the isolation in the country! At one stage, all i could hear was birds and it was getting dark and i realised love nature and how beautiful it is in it's peace, verosity etc. It's manmade stuff that adds to my anxiety. I'd love to live in the country.

Am still feeling lost and completely rootless. For the first time in my life, at 44, I have no attachments and it feels weird. Anyway, will keep trying to find them.

Got bullied at work this week too, so will be interesting to see what comes of that (person felt it was appropriate to lodge their complaint about me to the manager on the phone WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE!). The more i think about it, the angrier i feel. I am following up on Monday.

Anyway, that's about it from me, hope everyone's having a nice day

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi Change! Glad your few days away were good. And I'm not too much of a country person, although how would I know, as I've always lived in the suburbs. I bet it can be quite peaceful!

Was watching something on youtube tonight:

First year recovery 20 percent of people are successful.
Second year recovery 80 percent of people are successful.

Reason: When you first go into recovery, the motivating factor is pain. We've put ourselves through so much pain, that we can't take it anymore. Eventually we forget this pain, and go back to drinking.

When we get further into recovery, even after slips, our motivation has changed to be positive. Growth motivation makes the recovery stick. We are growing and being the best we can be and that motivates us to stay quit, whereas pain motivation doesn't last that long...

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Interesting!

[4thekids]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

J-Vo: that makes complete sense. Pain is a negative momentary feeling where a positive self image and growth ( while much harder to attain) is more lasting. Thus, by just being on this site... Whether al free or moderating, we are all growing in some way....finding our own path towards a more positive self! I do think for me when I joined last February it was pain and fear. What is different for me now is that the fear piece is gone. I was so ashamed in February....ashamed to be "in this situation" so to speak and to be having to reach out for help. Now, it feels so much less scary and being more honest with myself feels more comfortable too. Strange, isn't it?

What are other people's experiences?

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

4thekids,
Not so strange, but very encouraging! Yes, I thought it was quite interesting and it makes sense. We do have so much pain when we start, we get af time in and forget why we quit drinking in the first place. That's my problem. I get to feeling better, then I think, "hey, I think I can moderate," forgetting why I quit in the fist place. I may not be able to retain the pain factor in my head, but I will retain the situations that led to that pain. And continue to grow in other ways! Thanks!

Hi Eloise!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Was thinking...

So I said before my goal was to get plastered when I drank. I'm going to change that thought. I think I wanted enough to know "I could" get plastered if I wanted to, but I think all I ever wanted was that sweet buzz that comes after, let's say, one martini and a light beer. Yep, that's my pleasant buzz. But, but, but, that pleasant buzz last for a very short time. AL is addictive. We chase the high. We try to chase that buzz all night, get it back. But he doesn't come back. Buzz is gone, gone until the next day. So who do we meet next? Silly and Stupid (they're twins). Silly and Stupid don't last long either, because their older sister Sloppy comes along and wants to hang out while Silly and Stupid go on their way. Sloppy slurs, all the while she knows she's doing it and tries to concentrate really hard by telling her brain "Get that word right, Stupid. Stupid's gone Sloppy. And last but not least! Welcome, Plastered! Plastered is finally here. Well, it didn't take long to get here. What, maybe a few hours if the martini was good. Those damn six beers after martini did it. Yep. Hi Plastered. Oh! You have to go to the bathroom? Get up. If I do, I may not walk correctly. Have to. Sway back and forth to the bathroom. Oops! Sorry for almost falling on your lap, Mr. Sexy. Sorry, can't tell if you're really Mr. Sexy, as I can't see. Wait, I'll close one eye. Ooh! NO. You're not Mr. Sexy, more like Mr. Repulsive! In the bathroom. Missed the toilet. Plaster takes me home and ruins my sleep. Wakes me up every hour, parched, too tired to get up and get the water that I need, feel like complete crap. Glad I remembered to take the advil, pepto, my antidepressants, and my one-a-day before I went to bed! OK, morning is here. My next three visitors are the GSR brothers. Guilt, Shame, and Remorse. I hate those guys. Because they make me feel like a complete failure, loser. They say I was really stupid last night, did stupid things, yet they refuse to give me details! How rude! Just saying, Buzz never came back that night.

[istym4me]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

"I could" get plastered if I wanted to, but I think all I ever wanted was that sweet buzz that comes after, let's say, one martini and a light beer. Yep, that's my pleasant buzz. But, but, but, that pleasant buzz last for a very short time. AL is addictive. We chase the high. We try to chase that buzz all night, get it back. But he doesn't come back. Buzz is gone, gone until the next day. So who do we meet next? Silly and Stupid (they're twins). Silly and Stupid don't last long either, because their older sister Sloppy comes along and wants to hang out while Silly and Stupid go on their way. Sloppy slurs, all the while she knows she's doing it and tries to concentrate really hard by telling her brain "Get that word right, Stupid. Stupid's gone Sloppy. And last but not least! Welcome, Plastered! Plastered is finally here. Well, it didn't take long to get here. What, maybe a few hours if the martini was good. Those damn six beers after martini did it. Yep. Hi Plastered. Oh! You have to go to the bathroom? Get up. If I do, I may not walk correctly. Have to. Sway back and forth to the bathroom. Oops! Sorry for almost falling on your lap, Mr. Sexy. Sorry, can't tell if you're really Mr. Sexy, as I can't see. Wait, I'll close one eye. Ooh! NO. You're not Mr. Sexy, more like Mr. Repulsive! In the bathroom. Missed the toilet. Plaster takes me home and ruins my sleep. Wakes me up every hour, parched, too tired to get up and get the water that I need, feel like complete crap. Glad I remembered to take the advil, pepto, my antidepressants, and my one-a-day before I went to bed! OK, morning is here. My next three visitors are the GSR brothers. Guilt, Shame, and Remorse. I hate those guys. Because they make me feel like a complete failure, loser. They say I was really stupid last night, did stupid things, yet they refuse to give me details! How rude! Just saying, Buzz never came back that night.

YOU KNOW ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND I have the same siblings! We are related.


Have you still not had a drink since 10/21?

[Change]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1589253 wrote: Was thinking...

So I said before my goal was to get plastered when I drank. I'm going to change that thought. I think I wanted enough to know "I could" get plastered if I wanted to, but I think all I ever wanted was that sweet buzz that comes after, let's say, one martini and a light beer. Yep, that's my pleasant buzz. But, but, but, that pleasant buzz last for a very short time. AL is addictive. We chase the high. We try to chase that buzz all night, get it back. But he doesn't come back. Buzz is gone, gone until the next day. So who do we meet next? Silly and Stupid (they're twins). Silly and Stupid don't last long either, because their older sister Sloppy comes along and wants to hang out while Silly and Stupid go on their way. Sloppy slurs, all the while she knows she's doing it and tries to concentrate really hard by telling her brain "Get that word right, Stupid. Stupid's gone Sloppy. And last but not least! Welcome, Plastered! Plastered is finally here. Well, it didn't take long to get here. What, maybe a few hours if the martini was good. Those damn six beers after martini did it. Yep. Hi Plastered. Oh! You have to go to the bathroom? Get up. If I do, I may not walk correctly. Have to. Sway back and forth to the bathroom. Oops! Sorry for almost falling on your lap, Mr. Sexy. Sorry, can't tell if you're really Mr. Sexy, as I can't see. Wait, I'll close one eye. Ooh! NO. You're not Mr. Sexy, more like Mr. Repulsive! In the bathroom. Missed the toilet. Plaster takes me home and ruins my sleep. Wakes me up every hour, parched, too tired to get up and get the water that I need, feel like complete crap. Glad I remembered to take the advil, pepto, my antidepressants, and my one-a-day before I went to bed! OK, morning is here. My next three visitors are the GSR brothers. Guilt, Shame, and Remorse. I hate those guys. Because they make me feel like a complete failure, loser. They say I was really stupid last night, did stupid things, yet they refuse to give me details! How rude! Just saying, Buzz never came back that night.

Lol J, you've pretty much summed it up!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Isty, no I haven't. And I'm grateful for the days. ODAT sista!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Yes! second, third, fourth, ninth cousins...All in the family

[4thekids]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Just a quick hello to tell you that I did not drink last night. Held a pro secco and claimed I didn't't like it for half the night then dumped it out for a red which I very quickly had to hand to my husband to go help with the auction. Worked out well. Happy to be through the night.

Off to face another day. While I feel happy not to have had a drink, I am still worried about all the other challenges this brings. ODAT...I know, I know

How was everyone else's Saturday night???

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

4thekids,
What specific challenges are you concerned about? Can you list them so we can work through them? And I like your name, because I know you, like me, are always thinking of our children and wanting to provide them a better mom/role model. My son had/has seen so much and it breaks my heart. But he's also seen a lot of good and I want that to continue. Although that's a big motivator for me, my real motivator is me. I want to feel better, look better, live a quality life instead of the life I'd been living. Let's hit these challenges head on.

Last night we saw "Catching Fire" Hunger Games. I've read the series (twice) and loved the books. The second movie was awesome. I loved to be able to have a popcorn and diet coke at the theater, sit back and enjoy a great movie. Then we stopped and had some appetizers at TGIF. Hubby had two glasses of beer, and I had water. It didn't bother me, as I know he can control himself. What really cool about being sober is getting into a warm bed with a clear head, laying my head down on my pillow, and feeling peace. I slept so well last night!