Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time
Thank you everyone for all the supportive words. I am back on Day 1, and although I hated posting that in the Newbie's Nest Roll Call, I'm relieved to be back from such a bad weekend.
What happened? What were my triggers? What did I do? What should I have done?
First trigger...PMS. I get to be an emotional wreck at this time. I know about when I'm suppose to "get it" but don't have it written down. Now that I'm using my ipad for everything including a calendar, I will write that date down. What will I do with it when it comes? Be aware that my emotional state is not in normal mode and I don't handle things so well at this time. Talk to someone on here, call someone I trust. Tell them how I'm feeling. Ask for help.
Second trigger...tired. It was Friday after my son's game, the biggest game of the year, and he didn't get the minutes he usually gets. I was sad for him, angry at the coach. That MFer. But actually he's a good guy as the next day he talked to my son and said that he didn't forget about him it's just that this other kid is really hot right now. He told T to be ready. I was happy with that.
After the game, I had to come home for my dog, as he's having leg issues. Losing the use of one of his legs. He's on meds and I had to give them to him. That had me shaken up as well, because years ago, he lost the use of both of his legs and had to have $3,000 surgery. Worried. Yes.
After the game, one of the mom's said to me, "Oh my God, what a game!" Then she said, "I'm going to drink heavily tonight." Well, her heavily is two glasses of wine. But that comment did something to me at that exact moment.
So next trigger, I go home, alone while everyone is out having a great time after the game. Sad, frustrated, emotional, PMS, and we had alcohol in the house. I didn't think twice. I drank the last two beers that were in the refrigerator, opened a yucky bottle of cheap wine, and drank, alone.
The next day, feeling like crap about myself, I said to my husband, why don't we go to the casino tonight. So we did. And I drank. Because I didn't care. Because I had already screwed up. I lost again. How many fucking times can I be a loser? Those were my thoughts.
While we were having drinks, my husband was explaining to me that he thinks I deprive myself for so long, then I snap. He said, just have a few. He goes on to tell me that last night after the game, the parents all had only one or two, except for one parent. He asked me if I thought I could do that? I said, honestly, no. Well, this after drinking one after another and another, this morning, he said to me, "I don't think you can moderate. You shouldn't drink at all." HELLO! WTF DH! You knew that. But how fast one forgets all the bad stuff Al did in the past. How fast we want to remember the good feeling (that lasts no more than 30 minutes if that).
What did I do as these triggers hit me? I drank. I did nothing. I didn't use any tools, didn't call anyone asking for help with what I was feeling at that time, I did nothing but drink. AL WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON'T CALL FOR HELP!
I should have used the phone numbers of the people who know of my problem. I should have called one or more of them. I should have talked through this time.
Al is a cunning SOB. I am going to say some positive affirmations to myself right now, even though I may not believe them. I am going to read through my journal, and really do some work this week on myself. Everyday, I will say, I will not drink today, or I don't drink. I will take care of myself. I'm not fighting a battle, because there's no battle to fight. I don't drink. I will return to my mode of gratification. I will recognize that I want to drink when I feel bad about myself. When I feel good about myself, I don't want it. I know I can't be happy and feel good all the time, so when I do feel bad about myself, it's time to use those tools. It's time to talk. It's time to do something to stay away from that nasty, cunning, and evil thing called Al.
All the Al is out of the house and will stay out. My tools are here at MWO. You people are wonderful, supportive, and I love you all.
Thank you everyone for all the supportive words. I am back on Day 1, and although I hated posting that in the Newbie's Nest Roll Call, I'm relieved to be back from such a bad weekend.
What happened? What were my triggers? What did I do? What should I have done?
First trigger...PMS. I get to be an emotional wreck at this time. I know about when I'm suppose to "get it" but don't have it written down. Now that I'm using my ipad for everything including a calendar, I will write that date down. What will I do with it when it comes? Be aware that my emotional state is not in normal mode and I don't handle things so well at this time. Talk to someone on here, call someone I trust. Tell them how I'm feeling. Ask for help.
Second trigger...tired. It was Friday after my son's game, the biggest game of the year, and he didn't get the minutes he usually gets. I was sad for him, angry at the coach. That MFer. But actually he's a good guy as the next day he talked to my son and said that he didn't forget about him it's just that this other kid is really hot right now. He told T to be ready. I was happy with that.
After the game, I had to come home for my dog, as he's having leg issues. Losing the use of one of his legs. He's on meds and I had to give them to him. That had me shaken up as well, because years ago, he lost the use of both of his legs and had to have $3,000 surgery. Worried. Yes.
After the game, one of the mom's said to me, "Oh my God, what a game!" Then she said, "I'm going to drink heavily tonight." Well, her heavily is two glasses of wine. But that comment did something to me at that exact moment.
So next trigger, I go home, alone while everyone is out having a great time after the game. Sad, frustrated, emotional, PMS, and we had alcohol in the house. I didn't think twice. I drank the last two beers that were in the refrigerator, opened a yucky bottle of cheap wine, and drank, alone.
The next day, feeling like crap about myself, I said to my husband, why don't we go to the casino tonight. So we did. And I drank. Because I didn't care. Because I had already screwed up. I lost again. How many fucking times can I be a loser? Those were my thoughts.
While we were having drinks, my husband was explaining to me that he thinks I deprive myself for so long, then I snap. He said, just have a few. He goes on to tell me that last night after the game, the parents all had only one or two, except for one parent. He asked me if I thought I could do that? I said, honestly, no. Well, this after drinking one after another and another, this morning, he said to me, "I don't think you can moderate. You shouldn't drink at all." HELLO! WTF DH! You knew that. But how fast one forgets all the bad stuff Al did in the past. How fast we want to remember the good feeling (that lasts no more than 30 minutes if that).
What did I do as these triggers hit me? I drank. I did nothing. I didn't use any tools, didn't call anyone asking for help with what I was feeling at that time, I did nothing but drink. AL WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON'T CALL FOR HELP!
I should have used the phone numbers of the people who know of my problem. I should have called one or more of them. I should have talked through this time.
Al is a cunning SOB. I am going to say some positive affirmations to myself right now, even though I may not believe them. I am going to read through my journal, and really do some work this week on myself. Everyday, I will say, I will not drink today, or I don't drink. I will take care of myself. I'm not fighting a battle, because there's no battle to fight. I don't drink. I will return to my mode of gratification. I will recognize that I want to drink when I feel bad about myself. When I feel good about myself, I don't want it. I know I can't be happy and feel good all the time, so when I do feel bad about myself, it's time to use those tools. It's time to talk. It's time to do something to stay away from that nasty, cunning, and evil thing called Al.
All the Al is out of the house and will stay out. My tools are here at MWO. You people are wonderful, supportive, and I love you all.
but either way, you'd be welcome on the Ladies on a Mission thread. We have fun but the focus is to help one another gain and maintain an AF life.
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