Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Posted by Rivergal:

Without a doubt. He would become so frightened when I drank, as he describes it, " you became lifeless, withdrawn, and sad. As if a demon took over your soul and killed my precious Annie". Alcohol is a toxic demon to our beautiful souls, Ladies. We all deserve all the love & happiness we can receive ( and give ) during our limited time on this Earth!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Vacation is coming to an end today and I return to the bitter cold. But I return rested and ready for getting back to reality. I appreciate this time I had with my parents, as we relaxed, talked about life, and laughed. I'm blessed.

This was my first mini vacation without Al. And my body is loving it. I exercised every day that I was here, ate well, lots of healthy fresh foods, and lay by the pool in the sun. My kinda vacation!

Being sober is really good.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Posted by Patrice in LOAM

If you don't make the time to work on creating the life you want, you're eventually going to be forced to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don't want. — Kevin Ngo

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

On liking myself...

On my way home from mini vacation, this is what happened.

So I get my boarding pass, and at the last minute they change it, as the plane is completely full. I ended up in the very last seat next to a well-known news anchor. We chatted lots (which I was nervous at first because that's my nature) but I quickly became at ease with him. That's so out of character for me. I would normally have been a nutcase the whole way with my anxiety. But I settled down!! This this is huge for me. I chatted like he was my next door neighbor. I was myself. I almost cried happy tears on the way home, thinking, what's happening to me. Well, I'm believing that I'm a pretty good person. That's what. I'm believing that I'm worthy of anyone's company. Freaking huge. He asked me to like him on FB, and I said only if I could have a pic of us together. He was really a nice man. So down to earth. We talked about our kids mostly.

Another thing, and this is why I can't sleep, because I've been on this high all night, is that I wasn't drunk when I sat next to him. The first thing I do when I get through security is order wine at a bar. If I had sat down next to him like that, I would not have had the conversation with ease that I had. I would have been worried what I looked like (although my makeup was clearly melted off my face by this time of the evening), were my eyes glassy, did he smell the booze. I would have had blotches all over my neck and face, which is what happens to me when I get nervous. I felt a little creeping up on me, but quickly settled down, well settled down for me.

So this was a great thing that happened to me last night. I am starting to really like myself.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Working through issues that have bothered you for a long time is important. I learned this the past few days, as I had written an email to my parents about things in my past that had made me feel bad about myself. Writing this email and having the conversation I had with them really was healing for me. Letting my feelings known to them, having them discuss it with me was so incredibly healing. And my Dad said to me that nothing, nothing is worth taking a drink over. Letting go of the past is so important for all of us. Any way you can let go whether it be talking to a therapist, talking with your parents, a girlfriend, a sister, a close friend, then do it. It's very liberating. I feel so much relief at the moment.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Great reads from DTD. Thanks Dream!

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself - StumbleUpon
yourself/

30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I think recovery is something that needs to continue as our priority. Any time I left MWO, my addict brain told me I didn't need this, or that I can moderate. It's easy to slide back down the rabbit hole. I believe that I need MWO and will in the future

On not leaving MWO by Byrdie:

Oops, I guess I don't know when to leave.
I have seen SOOOOO many leave with the confidence they have this thing beaten only to come back months and years later with raging addiction issues.
The world out there is bombarding us with messages TO drink. We are really swimming upstream on this one....I think it is important to stay in the company of likeminded people...yes, to be reminded that I have an addiction simmering along the surface waiting to be fed. So, I am SURE people get tired of reading my same old stuff, but they can take what they need and leave the rest. The vast majority of people who leave come back having fallen. Yes, I pay attention to these things. NOT all, but most. Having a support system to reinforce what we must do daily is key, I think. It isnt one size fits all for sure, but I have observed a lot of people over the years and I do know how Dick Head (Addiction Head) operates.

Besides, I really like my friends here and I love paying it forward....where would I be if others hadn't done that? I know it isnt for everyone, but I enjoy it and it keeps me honest! Byrdie

[lifechange]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo, this is such an amazing thread! So inspiring, so full of good stuff. Thank you so much for sharing your journal with us. I love it...:h

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Your welcome Lifechange!

I drank last night. And I'm full of GSR. It seems to me that Al is bigger than me. More powerful than me. I had no triggers.

[Marylou123]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Byrdie - please keep posting even if it is repetitive. I find you tremendously inspirational and helpful. ES here loading the truck now. So bittersweet. I will stay strong with MWO help. ML

[IAD]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Remember: "The Journey of a 1000 miles begins........with a hot car, good tires and a full tank of gas !" Ha! Keep trying, when you quit it's all over. Tony

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Marylou, thank you!

IAD, I think I need my tires rotated. But I'm not gonna quit. Thank you.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

So I've got lots of thinking to do. Am I being complacent? I think so. I don't have it figured out, and to think I do is a lie. I think Humble hit the nail on the head when she said this:

You say there was no reason, and that may be so on the surface, but... I get the feeling that "I can have and enjoy a drink/drunk every so often" is playing subconsciously on the broken record in your brain.

Only 20 days ago, I was in the same situation, not any triggers that I consider dangerous. What I consider to be a trigger is changing for me. It isn't the challenging times of going to a party where everyone is drinking. I've got those situations covered with being overly cautious on how I won't drink. No, I will not disregard these situations, but for me. it's a weekend, period. Friday. Saturday. That's my trigger. I must still have that "negative restraint" thing going on in my head, instead of "positive desire" as Humble stated. Now, on how to build that positive desire will be my next task.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Originally Posted by Turnagain
Bri....give yourself a big green check mark and some credit for your courage in coming back and acknowledging that alcohol is indeed a big problem and that you need help. Addiction is horrendous. It compels us to do things that are seemingly against our "will."

Addiction actually changes the way our brain works. If I can be even more blunt - and accurate - alcohol damages the way our brain works and eventually....doesn't work. And here's the crucial fact about that....ANY amount of alcohol changes our brain processes. It alters dopamine, serotonin, and GABA - the neurotransmitters that are responsible for how we 'feel' and function. That's ANY amount of alcohol. Of course, those facts are not readily apparent to most of us who have been culturally and systematically conditioned to view ingesting the DRUG alcohol as normal and acceptable and even desirable.

Bri, when I finally accepted the FACT that alcohol - ANY amount of alcohol is ALWAYS damaging - and that EVERY drink damaged my entire system even more, EVERY time, I was able to make a firm and final decision that I was no longer going to allow that drug in my body. Before I accepted that ABSOLUTE, I always had some idea in the back or even front of my mind that maybe I just had a 'bad habit' that could be brought under control or maybe I could drink again once I lowered my tolerance by cutting back.

Now, that acceptance didn't make the process of detox any easier to deal with. It's a tough and uncomfortable time as our system comes back into balance. And it takes time to heal. And it takes work. It is natural to feel cravings for awhile. Your body has had years of cues and conditioning, afterall. BUT, as we give the front part of our brain the support it needs to recover its rightful place in driving our decisions and actions, we re-wire our neural pathways and in time, cravings cease and normal living - free of addiction - becomes second-nature.

I have never been happier or healthier in my life. I'm not special. This way of being is available to anyone who decides to keep the drug alcohol out of their body and puts in the time to actively heal. Healing, of course, is much more than the absence of alcohol....it means exercising and helping your dopamine receptors rebuild to respond to the natural and necessary stimulus that physical work creates. It means eliminating sugar and processed foods and fueling your body with whole, healthy foods. It means taking control of your thinking processes. Practicing daily gratitude and learning how to meditate will quickly change your brain for the better and will give you the kind of buzz that no drug can even come close to producing.

So...there is hope. And you're in the right place to make this the LAST time you ever have to deal with a Day One. It's a decision. One epic, amazing, liberating and life-changing decision. Go for it!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hey, J-vo. Please stop fighting. It doesn't have to be a battle. You surrender, and by surrendering you win because alcohol only has the power that you give to it. When you give up thinking that you can ever drink again - when you truly take that option off the table - alcohol is nothing and cannot hurt you.

I know you've read this before - it is from One Crafty Mother who is writing about a relapse she experienced after 8 years of sobriety that included a bout with cancer.

Quote:
I'm scrappy. I have always lived by the motto "when the going gets tough, the tough get going". It works really well for me in many areas of my life... including cancer. To get through cancer treatments you have to be a fighter.

Recovery, however, is not about fighting. It's about daily surrender. It's about having the courage to be vulnerable, to sit with hard feelings, to tackle hardships as they arise because anything that festers in an recovering alcoholic's brain can lead to a drink.

I stopped surrendering. I tucked my chin and squared my shoulders and I ran. I ran as hard and as fast as I could, hoping (without even consciously knowing this) that I could outfox fear through sheer determination.

This is the biggest mistake an alcoholic can make because I can't think my way out of a feeling. I can't distract myself from it through any means - including workaholism. The thing about workaholism is it looks healthy from the outside. Our society rewards the over-worked and exhausted

Without a program of recovery, without asking for help, without offering the same love I give others so freely to myself I ended up a shell of a person ... full of fear and sadness for all the un-dealt-with things.

I was in so much emotional pain that I relapsed. I didn't think I could drink in safety; I knew I couldn't. I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't call anyone. I didn't ask for help. I didn't get honest. I curled up into a ball and gave up.
I don't know what happened to you last night but like this woman, you didn't ask for help - you didn't post or text or call. Someone would have been online here waiting and wanting to help you through it. I truly believe that if you'd been engaged in a conversation here, it would have prevented you from drinking at all or helped you stop before it got out of control. If MWO is going to be our main tool to gain and keep an AF life, we have got to use it -- and for an online forum, that means posting. And posting honestly -- the good and the bad.

The messages about our daily doings are fun and interesting and I love learning about all of you guys and feeling the connections we have. But that has to be the bonus part of being here. If you aren't going to also post when you aren't doing well and need help NOW, any old social media site will do for the fun stuff - MWO offers more but it is up to each of us to make it work.

We're not giving up on you, J-vo. Don't give up on yourself.