Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Some things I posted in LOAM Thread...What I need to do next:

1. Make a gratitude list that I refer to a few times a day.
2. Incorporate short mediation sessions (I have downloaded the "Calm" app on my Ipad).
3. Surrender to Al. Give up the fight. Put the gloves away. Sit back with the feelings. Don't try to push them away, as it requires effort and a fight. I'm not gonna fight.
4. Call when I need to talk to someone. Really. Call.
5. Post on Loam thread. Ask for help.
6. Be conscious of all the good in my day. Show kindness to others.
7. Put good stuff in my body, except a piece of good dark chocolate every now and then, maybe a cookie.
8. Exercise when I have the energy. Push myself sometimes, but gees, not all the time as work can be pretty taxing, and sometimes i just wanna sit and veg out. Eat veggies.
9. Start rereading my journal and all the good stuff I've stolen from people that I thought was valuable. Thanks for letting me steal.
10. Go to bed, like very soon. Sometimes I need a little extra sleep. Goodnight.

[Marylou123]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Sweet dreams j-vo. Right now, I'm having a harder time facing raw emotions than not drinking. It hurts, and so sad. But, I'm not angry. And I would been a lunatic if I was drinking right now.

Stay close. Like they say in some country song somewhere, we wouldn't recognize the good times if not for the hard times.

Your last post is wonderful. Think I'll veg out with some veggies right now.

[available]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

The emotions when we get sober are hard to deal with Mary but its par for the course. I am so mad at the moment and ask me why and I dont know. I'm dealing with it and the good thing is I dont want a drink. I think i prefer sad to angry, god who knows but it feels good to feel.

[Marylou123]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Totally agree Ava. Have a great day.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I'm with you Marylou. Dealing with these raw emotions is, well, kinda new to me without covering it with booze. Hang on tight.

Ava, you're not allowed to stay mad and angry for much longer, or you're going to feel the next emotion from me, which is PAIN!

From Pav's Post:
"Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery. By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we're bound to find that we feel a part of something. And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all."

From NS:
Have you read Man's Search for Meaning? One point made is that it doesn't necessarily matter what brought us to a particular place. The question is what to do next. And we both know the answer to that .

[lifechange]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo, the list you made is great! In fact, I'm going to steal it.... I'm glad you jumped right back in-- and by doing so, openly and honestly, you've collected invaluable advice from so many caring people--I've also benefited so much from it all. The posts you copied to your journal are the ones I copied and sent to my personal email account! Big hugs to you.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Steal away Lifechange! And I'm glad you can use it, too. I steal just about everything. No need to reinvent the wheel.

So, I would never inject myself with heroin. Why? Because I know that heroin is a poison that can kill me. Alcohol is also a poison that kills, I know that. So I choose not to take anymore chances on killing myself. I'm worth it.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

There's this guy I work with who is so on my nerves. For years, he's been divorced. He refuses to quit the at least 2 cig. pack a day smoking, has gained lots and lots of weight. But he does nothing about it. He has not changed his habits, nor even tried. I guess what pisses me off is that he doesn't even try, but he wants all this pity. From time to time I give him pity. Most of the time, I wanna knock him the fuck out. I want to scream in his face, if you don't fix yourself and care for yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Stop the fucking pity party and do something about yourself.

Oh! What's that she said? Oh no she didn't. Oh, yes she did. Stop the fucking pity party, j-vo. Stop expecting change when you keep doing the same stupid shit. Stop acting like it's so hard when all you have to do is not pick up one fucking drink. Boo-fucking-hoo. Get on with your life.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

On conditions I've had for a long time called severe social anxiety and depression which led into alcoholism.

I remember when I was in high school, addicted to drugs, mainly speed, and drinking on weekends, running to the bathroom after every period to smoke cigarettes, I gained lots of enemies. Not only kids, but teachers started to ignore me. I saw it in their faces. I got angry because I kind of knew why, but felt that rejection.

As a secretary at a school after high school graduation, I experienced the same thing. I then got myself addicted to diet pills as I had lost touch with my speed dealer. The same rejection from people. I was a wired wreck.

Eventually when I started to take classes to become a teacher, I got myself off of that stuff. But I was afraid of everyone and everything. It's called social anxiety. I had daily attacks of red blotches on my face, neck, arms, and chest (sometimes whole body) when I was with people and also sometimes by myself. I started to see a therapist, but my husband (being young and not knowledgeable) put the whole thing down, complained about the money. So I stopped. I continued to wear turtle necks, even in the summer. I hated life. I hated myself. I remember looking down at an ant crawling across the patio and thinking to myself, he has a better life than me, then I smashed him. I had many times considered suicide, but I was too afraid.

I started on AD's, and went off and on so many different ones, that I was a mess for a long time. Going on and off these drugs is no easy thing on a body. I was like a guinea pig to my psychiatrist. And again, my husband didn't like it because he thought drugs were bad. I hid my diet pills and speed taking from him. He didn't understand the depth of my condition.

I not only had severe anxiety with people I didn't know, but with my own family, extended and immediate because when I opened my mouth, I would start to blotch up. At work, meetings were absolutely hell for me. I couldn't sit too long, then I had to get up and run to the bathroom. I'd look in the mirror and see this red blotchy freak staring at me. How mortified I was. I stopped going to lunch, as I had tried and tried to sit with other teachers, only to embarrass myself day after day. I tried the "exposure" method, with no success. So for the last 20 years of my teaching career, I've eaten alone. But no one questions me anymore.

Because of this condition I had, I struggled in every area of my life. I couldn't smile in pictures without my face twitching every which way, couldn't sign my name as my hand seemed to go numb, couldn't walk past people without feeling my legs looking very strange. I hated everybody for being normal, and I hated myself for what I was. I had severe bouts of depression even on the meds. I spend money on CBT, and other programs to try and help myself. I did deep breathing three times a day. Still the same shit. I found this site that does surgery to the sympathetic nervous system. I almost went through with it, but the cost was too much.

Over the years, the condition lessened, but never went away. I had depression off and on, and still those suicidal thoughts. I continued to drink not just on the weekends, but into my 30's, it was becoming more of a problem, as i found that vodka could relieve my pain much quicker. Forget the beer after beer. Wine and/or vodka was my medicine. So that became a problem. The addiction progressed.

As the drinking progressed, I found ways I would work on it. (I've got my own library of books on social anxiety and alcoholism, memoirs, depression, how to improve one's self image, self esteem, the power of positive thinking.) I read like a lunatic. Through the grace of God, I found MWO. When I was first here in 2008, I was a lurker before I joined. Even with my conditions of anxiety and depression, I was a pretty determined person. I knew I'd figure a way out of this mess. I had to, because I couldn't go on like this. So for for 6-7 years, I've been trying to find my way out. That's a pretty long time. I always got caught up in the "moderation" crap.

But now I'm here, and since October, I have over 100 days sober, and some slips. I know what those slips did to me. I know what I didn't do. I didn't call anyone. I just let my thought lead me back into the mess I was always in. I didn't focus on positive desire, only negative restraints as Humble put it.

I have learned a lot about myself in these past several months. First, that I really like myself. I'm funny, kind, caring, and kind of goofy. Next, I found that because I like myself, my anxiety has decreased even more, I still have to do the work on myself and keep my head in a good place, but hey, I'll do the work. Another, my depression has been lifted for most of these days. When I went back to drink, my depression came back. Also, living an AF life can be such a wonderful thing, as I notice how good every day can be, relationships, doing things I like to do, watching my son, engaging in activities I couldn't do years ago because of my struggles with anxiety. I know I have a wonderful support group that will be here for me. Thank you for caring about me. :h Sunday was my last Day 1. I surrender to AL. I give up any fights and struggles. I will live with peace now. I'm a lucky person. I'm blessed.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

My Mantras:

1. No matter what happens, I will not drink.
2. No matter how I feel, I will not drink.
3. I don't drink.
4. Not one, not ever.

My Gratitude List

I am grateful for:

1. God for giving me the strength to get through my life's struggles, and the understanding that I can be a better person, wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, teacher.
2. My son, who brightens every day of my life.
3. My husband, who has given me strength for 32 of my 49 years.
4. My wonderful parents, who parented me the best they could with all the love they had.
5. My two sisters, who brighten my days and laugh with me.
6. My long-time girlfriends, whom I can tell anything to.
7. My friends on MWO, who have believed in me, supported me, and given me hope for a better life.
8. My dog, who loves me nonstop, unconditionally, kisses me when I'm down, cuddles me anytime I need loved.
9. My job, coworkers (most) and my students.
10. My beautiful home.
11. My new church with a wonderful pastor and beautiful parish.
12. My health.
13. My family's health.
14. Summers! And Spring and Fall.
15. Extended family.
16. My doctor, who thinks I'm crazy, because I really am.
17. This should be WAY UP THERE on the list, but, I am GRATEFUL for being sober today! Everyday that I'm sober is a day I can enjoy with a clear mind and strong body, When the tough days come along, I can handle them because I AM SOBER.


I'm sure there are more. But these are the most important to me.

[available]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

What a heartfelt post JVO, addiction is a horrible controlling part of life that hits only some people, thats what makes us special really. I too took the speed, coke, weed to make life easier when in reality it never did. If we know now what we didnt know then maybe our lives would be different but if we didnt have that past life we would not be who we are today.

You are a strong beautiful woman who has been through hell and back and now it is time to live life the way you deserve.

Its funny when we are in the depths of despair that we dont realise what we have and cherish in our life. A lot of people have that realisation when it is too late so for us we are lucky. Now is the time to be as happy as we can and to live life the way we have always deserved but didnt know or realise.

The switch has switched for you my lovely friend and you know now that life is so worth living and everyday may be different but that is the fun of living.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Things that successful people do:

(NS)Committed to 100% honest posting
Vowed to post before taking a drink.
Other than responsibilities, did only what I felt like doing; e.g. exercised only when it sounded like a good idea.
When I felt like it, got back to hobbies I enjoy.
Ate the way I feel best - high quality, nutrient-dense food.
Occasionally used L-glutamine.
Spent formerly wasted time on MWO (~4 hours/day).
Read and learned all I could about biological, chemical, and psychological aspects of addiction.
Watched movies and videos on the subject.
Asked many questions of and advice from people I admire on MWO.
Modeled my actions and thoughts on those of people who were succeeding.
Learned from the mistakes of others.
Offered support whenever possible and advice when I could.
Developed relationships on MWO with people ahead and behind me.
Had back-up phone numbers and email addresses for when MWO was unavailable and used them.
Deliberately adopted an attitude of gratitude by noticing the small but important improvements in my life.
Made it clear to people in my life that I no longer drink.

(Pav) Play out the whole scene from the first drink to the last one and through the night and next day. How do I feel?

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thank you my dear Ava!:l:h

[lead366]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Amazing thread Wowzers

Hello....yes...for the thousandth time---I relapsed on Saturday. Your posts describe me to T.

Baffling and cunning is all I can say...I relapsed because I was not careful with my thoughts.....and I caved in with my whole food diet...and started cheating with ice cream to soothe me....then a doughnut....and then kaboom....a glass of red wine when out for dins....tasted like crap actually...but i downed three....kept smoking...and dontcha know it.....dove into a large bottle of gin.

This is my 6th relapse in the last year...my longest AF period is 80 days......and I took a boatload of supplements...which helped. No cravings at all...was starting to feel much better.

I agree...sugar is as well a killer item. So?.......with my mind as my prison right now....at the age of 51...I need to be able to accept that ciggies, booze and sugar are vile enemies...and have slowly wrecked a very solid mind. Im in good shape...not nearly as fit as a few years ago but I can rebound in a month.

I need friends...I shoved all the good ones away, and I cant be around drinkers.

I have led a blessed life......and partied like an animal...and ate whatever.....and smoked like a chimney.

Its not working...these three substances are truly stealing my life force.

Thanks for your kind words of wisdom.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi Lead,
Let me lead to you a few great threads on this site:

In the general section, https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...who-70446.html

In the Monthly Abs section is the "Ladies on a MIssion Thread" We call ourselves the LOAMERS. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...e-88058.htmlWe are around the same age as you are, and our mission is to never pick up a drink. Please join us. We have great conversations and are really focused on sobriety.

A third, which may be helpful to you is the Toolbox in the Monthly Abs thread as well. This may give you a good head start. Seven years worth of good information to help you to achieve sobriety.

I'm on a mission, and I'd like to take you with me! Please check these threads out and we can lean on each other for help.