Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[lead366]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1630963 wrote: Well, I practiced deep breathing during a break at work today, at well half the day, but did not exercise. Even so, I am getting things done. Lots of little things. For example:

*Had a gyn appt. a few weeks ago after three long years of missing annual appt.
*Went to a dentist appt. to get teeth cleaned after a year.
*Made a mammogram appt. for April that haven't had in over three years - yikes.
*Got a script to get blood tests for overall health.
*Saw primary doctor today as I see him once every three months to keep me in check with my medicines for anxiety and depression.

So getting stuff done to take care of my health.

Awesome! Dont load up too much with "TO DO'S!" but little by little and appreciate yourself for even the slightest gain. Yes--the breathing thing is magic.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks girls!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

yep, i tend to load up on to do's. One of my bad habits! But then for a while not ticking off my list was a habit.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thank you DTD!!!! This is great!

I Tried to Quit & It’s Too Hard! : zenhabits

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Advice from NS that I need to refer to when I'm feeling wobbly:

On being by myself at the end of March:
53 days is a long time to get yourself up to 100% confidence . Just "see" yourself hanging out by yourself (it can be heaven!!), doing what you want to do when you want to do it. Feel the power that comes from being a woman who doesn't need or want to drink. See yourself choosing not to.

You can do this j-vo. Think of what you'd be saying to DS if he were worried about succumbing to peer pressure and smoking dope or whatever is big in your area. Then tell yourself those things. Think of him watching you - don't do anything you wouldn't want him to see. When we can't quite feel the responsibility we should to ourselves, put it outside yourself to someone you love so much and would never want to let down. All of these admittedly are mental tricks but then again, it is our minds that need to be changed.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Well, shaky night, but I'm ok. Let me start from the beginning, and hopefully this can help someone.
Before I do, I just need to say that the beast can try to strangle us at any point in time, no excuses needed, just a thought, a 'frustrating' deprivation thought. That's what happened to me again today.

I am concerned about the end of the month. Yep. My worries start long before, hence my extreme anxiety. Oh, my mind works on me like no other. Anyhow, the end of the month will be when DH and DS go to a baseball tourny in Florida, and I was going to go, but my personal days at work are dwindling and i need to look ahead to next year. So I decided it would be good to keep them in the bank. DS also has two more years of going to this tourny, so I know I'll be going next year.

Anyhow, my mind started early this morning, maybe late last night. I was thinking about getting antabuse for those days. Or even having them by my side if I have any huge struggle with the beast. I haven't made a decision on what I will do yet, but I'm going to continue to weigh the pos and neg. on getting this medication. I also thought that I would have it for vacation at the end of june where we'll be going to an all inclusive resort in mexico. This is a big party time in my mind, but I have to learn how to partake in activities that don't include alcohol. I was thinking if I had this medication, it would deter me and take that choice off the table completely, especially if I was the least bit wobbly. The downside to that would be I would start to become dependent on something else. Dependency is all in the mind, and my mind is easily swayed. I'm saying it would just be for vacation, but then I don't want to rely on it for weekends which have been notioriously bad situations for me, and then what if I had a bad day at work - would I need to come home and take one? You see the viscious cycle. So I still have time to think about this and I'll make my decision by the end of the weekend.

Ok, so all this thinking woke the beast up in my brain. Stupid addictive brain. It hears the word al and it's like my husband thinks he hears the word sex come out of my mouth. He starts chasing me around the house...DH and Al. Both are bitches at times. Anyhow, I had a depressing afternoon at work, thinking I wish I could, didn't put any gratitude thoughts in my head as i couldn't find them. All I had to do was log on here and I would have read some. But then came home and took a very long nap. Woke up miserable. Told DH I wanted to drink. DS was not here, or that would never have happened. Anyhow, he has specific instructions when I get this way. Just some things i told him to tell me extremely sternly, and it includes the word "fuck" but not for him. So he did it, I spoke to a few girls, and DH and I felt better almost instantly. It was a relief. So this was really the first time that I experienced reaching out and having someone help to turn my brain around. It really worked. And now I know that. I got through those few hours, pouting, not able to think, almost being paralyzed with al thoughts.

Ok, that's the story. I hope this helps someone by encouraging them to call someone or if your husband is like mine, and he's got a long way to go with strengthening his backbone, he may be able to help you through it. I think DH and I may have to role play a little more with this thing. Role playing MY way. Not his.

Goodnight.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I think last night did make me a stronger person. I know that when I'm blindsided by this beast, I can beat him. I had the worst few hours, and I beat him. Maybe the next time I'll realize it much quicker and I won't suffer as much as I let myself last night.

[lead366]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Well done J-vo......You identified a threat...analyzed it...and won! Im sure as time goes on you will identify quicker....and slay quicker. You are building nice backbone. Like your tagline reads.....No matter how I feel or........ You are being true to your words CONGRATS!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thank you Lead!

[LuvinSpoonful]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

First thread I read, and even went to cover to cover on it. I'm Day 2 and it's nice to meet you, j-vo and all who have commented.

[Marylou123]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi J-Vo,
You are so strong - congratulatuions on beating the beast. Also, good for you for taking control of your health appointments. I just completed all of that and, good news or not, it feels wonderful knowing where I stand health wise (and with clean teeth.). :H

Hope all goes well.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

HI LuvinSpoonful, great to see you here! Make sure you stop in the Newbie's Nest where a lot of newbies go and learn about MWO and all of the wonderful tools on this site.

Thank you Marylou! I'm feeling stronger today. Yes, those appt. are so annoying but I'm glad we gettin her done! I like to check that off my to do list. Hope you're well!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Today was a somewhat emotional day for me. I am teaching a poetry unit, and my students were required to write a poem based on the elements they learned in class. I only did this with two of my classes, so I had about 50 poems overall. Two of them talked about a person they love, but that person loved alcohol more. It was really sad to read, but I think these poems came at the right time. I've been struggling with some Al thoughts, and this really painted a whole new perspective for me. Wow and sad at the same time. You suck, Al.

[frances]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Wow j-vo - thanks for sharing that. That is really so sad. That definitely adds to my motivation.

[lead366]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Congrats on day 30 J-Vo...well done....Im sure your feeling wayyyy better. Glad your here