Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I'm not really good at failing. I guess no one is, and deep down we want to win this battle/struggle against Al. Where I am...I know I should never drink. I know I'm an alcoholic. I know I can be happy and productive without Al. I've lived without Al, and enjoy life, have better relationships, feel good. So what happens when I get a bunch of days under my belt? I sabotage myself by drinking. It's like I expect to be hurt by something or someone. Don't I know that I deserve a good and healthy life? All I have to do is not drink and things are great. But what happens when I get this "thing" in my head after so many days. I've worked hard at my quit. I post, I learn, I can be supportive to others. Why would i just let that go in a second. That's the evil of addiction. But I won't let that be an excuse to drink. I know what it takes to stay quit. Posting, talking to someone, asking for help. I'm finished. I'm finished fighting something that wants to hurt me. I will not waste one more fucking day of my life on alcohol. I'm way smarter than that. I will protect my quit with everything I've got. I will not get sucked into this shit anymore. I will let my anger go. I will pray, post, and take care of myself. Thank you MWO for being here. I'm taking what I've learned and applying it to my life everyday. I will not drink. I will be happy.

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Relax into the effort

Make the effort, with passion and persistence, but don?t make it into a struggle. Take action, but don?t add your own tension or conflict to it.

To be highly effective at what you?re doing, be at peace with what you?re doing. To be confident in your actions, genuinely enjoy those actions.

It may seem to be a contradiction to take action and to relax at the same time. In fact, it is a powerful combination.

When you?re not fighting against your own efforts, you can devote all your positive energy to bringing about spectacular results. When you find enjoyment in working through the challenges, you?ll transform those challenges into great value.

If you?re busy being uptight, you?re not getting anything done. Instead, be good with what you?re doing, and you?ll be very good at whatever you?re doing.

Accept, enjoy and relax into the effort. Find delight and fulfillment in peacefully being your authentic best.

? Ralph Marston


:h NS

[Pavati]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

You go, J-Vo!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

NS, I read this several times. Wow, does it make sense. I do the complete opposite. I look at challenges as something to be feared. I fear that I'll fail, not 'look' or say something intelligent or right. A challenge doesn't have to be feared. It can be an adventure. Something to try and feel good whether it works or doesn't. Confidence is my missing piece of the puzzle. Not that i haven't succeeded in many areas and my confidence has grown over the years (which I tend to downplay)but to have confidence in my ability to not drink, to allow my body to heal, to truly accept imperfections as a normal thing. To relax into any effort is a new concept to me, and I'll think about this more. Thanks NS.

And Pav! Thanks!!!

[Margaret345]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I hope you are having a good day. Take it one day at a time.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks Margaret. I just read your post and glad you're back and gonna beat this beast with us. Stop in the "ladies on a mission" thread below in Monthly Abs.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

A post from Turnagain:

.... I remember feeling that fear. It certainly exists - but you can overcome it. Here's how I started out my AF decision process - I 'tried it on'....like trying on a jacket to see how it fit. After all...abstinence was the only thing I hadn't tried. What I had been doing - trying to control an uncontrollable addiction - sure as hell wasn't working. I was already failing pretty regularly and miserably at that.

I took some time and really visualized what a 100% alcohol free life looked like in glowing, glorious detail.... How I would feel about myself and being able to be free of addiction and how that would positively impact every area of my life. I saw the pride and relief in my kids eyes. I saw myself exercising without joint pain, being free to go out and enjoy hikes and dinners. I saw my skin looking alive again and I saw the beer belly and butt shrinking away. I saw my friends feeling admiration for me for overcoming addiction (after getting over their surprise that I was addicted!) I saw myself being very productive - getting things done...getting my house back in order...being productive, clear-headed and creative at work...being able to drive anywhere...anytime because I had no worries about being over the limit. I felt relief of not being enslaved by the compulsive need to get a daily fix. I felt the freedom of being in control. I felt the joy of no longer feeling isolated by my secret.

I liked what I saw so much that I decided to try committing to abstinence - despite my fears.

As it turns out, the reality of being free goes even beyond what I was able to imagine. There is a hell of a lot of power between our ears. Harness your brain and make it work for you. Think of your brain as being the ultimate test simulator. When the negative self-chatter starts up....crowd it out with those thoughts of what you are getting by healing your body after years of addiction. When depravation thoughts pop up....counter them with thoughts of gratitude for all you are getting and that you are no longer damaging yourself each day. This isn't just happy - psycho babble blah blah. You actually start building new neural pathways in your brain and the old negative pathways begin to go dormant. It takes practice and persistence, but each positive thought is one more step forward.

Finally...I found ways to really reward myself beyond the intrinsic goodness. I started a side bank account online and transferred the money I saved from not drinking and smoking into it every day. It was great to see it grow! And it was fun to spend. After week one, I treated myself to a mani-pedi. As my fund grew, I started making a monthly donation to the local animal shelter. I got a new puppy for myself. I took my whole family on an amazing raft trip down the Grand Canyon. I'm now setting aside part of that money to help my son through law school and to offset the cost of building an off-the-grid home in Arizona.

To date...my total monetary savings since I 'tried' on my quit and kept it is now up to $21,802 (991 free days and counting x $22 a day) And the most important savings - my life - is incalculable. I can feel my dopamine pinging like a slot machine right now!

Today, I am proud to be a non-drinker. I absolutely refuse to label myself or any other former addict as an 'alcoholic.' As I told my friend LifeChange earlier, I consider those of us who have chosen abstinence over addiction as heroic. It makes a huge difference in how others view me and most importantly - how I view myself. I am far from a fragile, damaged, powerless, diseased person who can't have a drink and has to worry constantly that somehow a drink will get down my throat. I am someone who knows that alcohol is toxic and addictive and I now have the power to confidently choose not to poison myself ever again....no matter what.

It's time to openly and actively challenge the status quo -

Of our drinking culture, The alcohol industry, the alcohol recovery industry....and.....ourselves.

You can live....without alcohol....without addcition....without fear....without shame...and that life is better than the best you can imagine.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Over two weeks ago, this is what happened:

Pav, NS asked me a few weeks ago, when the boys went to Florida to break it down, deconstruct what had happened as it might help someone here. I didn't, as I didn't want to think about it. Well, selfish me again. I need to face these challenges head on or I won't heal or progress in my "program."

But where to begin. Oh, the beginning would be a great idea! The weekend before DS and DH left for Florida, I became anxious. I've never been left alone as no one trusted me. I was very low-end high functioning drunk. More like just functioning, barely. Anyhow, the Friday before they left, I was feeling like I wanted to drink. If I drink now, DH won't be surprised if I slip up while he's gone, I thought. Then it wouldn't be a big surprise, because I'd already f-ed up. Saturday came, and I demanded we go out and have drinks. He almost facebooked a few people, and had a few emails and he was ready to make the contacts. I basically threatened him that he would get no sex and that if I wanted them to know, I would call. I was in a very bad state of mind. I didn't want to face anyone or hear anything. I not only drank Saturday, but also Sunday afternnoon. Wednesday was my first real free night, and on the way home from work, I stopped and bought a bottle of wine. First time I'd done that in ages. They're gone. I can do whatever I want - my thoughts. No one can tell me what to do. I'd never been alone before, and this is probably why. I not only drank Wednesday, but Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. They came home Sunday late. I hurt physically from head to toe. I was a mess emotionally, spiritually empty, physically in pain the next week. I was ashamed, as I know I can't moderate. I wasn't even pretending that was the case. I know I'm a full-blown alcoholic, so why did I do that? Because I thought I could be free of real life for awhile. I thought I could take a break from not drinking, and not that I deserved it, but I was going to no matter what. Not feeling good about myself has been a part of me for so long, that I didn't care if I hurt myself in the process, letting any good go down the drain. I've sabotaged myself for so long, it wasn't anything new to me. So I did it one more time. And that's the last time I'm going to sabotage myself. I refuse to believe my life isn't worth it.

Getting through Monday-Thursday was the worst I'd had in a long, long time. I kept telling myself to just put one foot in front of the other, don't look back. So I did. The few slips I had prior to this was nothing compared to what I put my body through this particular week. It reminded me of the bad drinking days, when I hurt everyday, when I hated myself everyday. It reminded me that I never, ever want to go back there to that darkness, living a lonely life of pain. I ate nonstop that week, and smoked cigarettes. I got my head back on straight slowly. By the following weekend, I was feeling more human. I was grateful for yet one more chance at this sobriety thing, the thing I've been struggling with for over a decade. Nothing in drinking is positive for me anymore. Nothing. No buzz. No happy feelings. Just drink and numb. That's it. I don't want any parts of it anymore. I don't want it near me. It's done nothing for me but ruin many years of my life, so I will give it no more satisfaction. I will begin to love myself, become the spiritual person I've always had in me, give to others what I can, and live the way I was instructed to live my life from the big guy upstairs. I won't question it anymore - why can't I drink? I am thankful I had that shit happen to me, because I've never been so determined to turn my head at any thought of al. I have no room in my heart for pitying something that just about did me in. But I also will on my guard, as this is a disease of denial. I will come here and post daily because I'm worth it. You're all worth it to me. So that's my story, very choppy sentences, but just my thoughts coming out as I think them.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I feel as though this experience has pushed me to the point where I'm able to let go of this beast that has controlled me for so very long. It can't have me, doesn't own me, and I will not associate with anyone or anything that tries to destroy or take me down. I will not fight it because it's not worth my time. I will always be on guard, as I won't get punched in the face one more time, but I will not throw the first punch. I feel free now. And I'm going to keep this fresh in my mind, this feeling of liberation. And I won't forget, as I will be here daily to remember why and how he tries to sabotage all walks of life.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

A great article posted by Pavati :h from One Crafty Mother:


Heartbreak. Grief. And fear.

I grieved and was heartbroken over the loss of alcohol. I grieved the loss of who I was when drinking actually did work. I grieved the fact that I now identified with a group of people that at one time I judged?at one time I swore I wasn?t one of them. I grieved that I would have to work hard at recovery?because just abstaining from alcohol wasn?t going to be enough for me. I grieved the loss of a part of me.

I feared facing my life without a means to numb and hide from the hard times. I feared that alcoholism really was something that was out of my control. I feared that for me, there would be no turning back once I knew for sure and admitted that I was a true alcoholic.

All of this isn?t to say that there isn?t so much to be gained from sobriety. I have a beautiful, sober life now. But, I write this post for anyone who might think that their feelings of grief and sadness are wrong. You need to feel what you feel. And if you feel grief about getting sober that?s okay. I?ve been one to over-think almost everything and this is one of them. I?ve made up that it has to mean something if I feel sad about it all. Am I headed for relapse? Shouldn?t I always feel happy now that I?m sober? Fear and grief are real feelings that we all feel. In my experience, having a spiritual connection has greatly reduced these feelings and I still turn to that connection every time I feel fear and grief come up. But, I remember in early sobriety, they were quite common feelings.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I posted this in the Loamers Thread...on being happy, confident, and just feeling good inside. My experience today left me with a feeling that is really new to me, one that I've never really known. I'm trusting in God and listening to his instructions. I know I must continue to commit and abstain and to do the work to stay sober:

Had to catch up on a few pages of reading! It's been a really long, busy day. So tired but happy. The day started of with my principals requesting that we meet earlier in the day as they were called to a meeting by Superintendent. I wasn't prepared to meet with them that early, but I took a few deep breaths, as this was always a scary thing for me - being evaluated by supervisors. Well, I had planned to take a .5 benzo for my meeting, but didn't have time as it would not have taken effect. As I was sitting there, I was calmer than I ever have been. I was able to counter a few comments they made, as I don't agree with the new evaluations. They want the kids to basically create the lesson, assessments, and have as many choices as possible. They want all of the decisions made by them, and for us to be able to coordinate such a process. I can see this to a point, but it really cuts out a lot of instruction time and mastering skills. They changed a few of my "proficient" points to "distinguished" as they agreed with me. Overall, I had a great evaluation and they actually put me in a category with only two other teachers that had similar evaluations. This is the first year for these evals and the majority of teachers had some "needs improvements." They laughed when I made some comments about the woman that created the evaluation system - her name is Charlotte Danielson. I said she must have been high or drunk when she wrote the distinguished categories, as no one can possibly do some of this shit. Yes, I was myself, me! Not obnoxious, just being truthful and some of the topics need to be made fun of. "Yes, we want you to have the students create the rubrics (how they are assessed)." So I said they should make the test and take the test? Um, ok! But overall, it was a great eval meeting, and I'll be presenting next week to the faculty. They want me doing more in leader roles and I don't mind if I have something good to give the faculty. But, I have to say this. Having a good evaluation is a good thing. I've pretty much always had good ones. What is important to me is how I felt about myself in the meeting. I've always been hypersensitive. When being criticized for anything, I get defensive. When meeting with superiors, I get nervous as hell. When with those superiors, I freeze. That wasn't the case at all today. I was calm, confident, joking but serious. I was the jvo I've always wanted to be. Lately, I've had less "highs" and "lows" and more of a feeling of balance in my head. It's quite a new feeling for me and I love it. Just love it. I love feeling normal. Ahh! What a great feeling knowing that I am enough.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Reposted in NN by my lovely friend, Ava. What a great reminder of what this legal poison can do/did to me and a true perspective in my eyes:

It's been so long since we've touched and since I've held you. I can remember how you smell and taste, but it doesn't bring the memories I thought it would. I thought I was so in love with you...I thought I needed you so very badly, but now when I think about you, I only think about the deceit, the lies, the hate, the hurt, and the disease."

I drank for joy and became miserable.

I drank to be outgoing and became self centered.

I drank to be sociable and became lonely.

I drank for friendship and made enemies.

I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity.

I drank for sleep and awakened without rest.

I drank for strength and felt weak.

I drank for relaxation and got the shakes.

I drank for confidence and felt unsure

I drank for courage and became afraid

I drank for assurance and became doubtful

I drank to forget thoughts and had blackouts

I drank for conversation and tied my tongue

I drank to be in heaven and I came to know @#!*%

I drank to forget and became haunted

I drank for freedom and became a slave (of alcohol)

I drank to ease problems and saw them multiply

I drank to cope with life and invited death.

I drank because I had the "right" to and everything turned out wrong.

Said this fellow, "It must have taken a bunch of booze to get you in this shape?

I said, "Just one. For me one is too many and a thousand isn't enough."

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

A post I made in Loamers Thread:

So, took off today, and glad i did. I used to take off after having too much to drink. Yes, NS, that was almost a monthly true "sick" day. I like this kind of day off much better. And I was thinking about my newfound peace of mind, happiness (not over the top woo! hoo! happy, more like contented). How I'm feeling is all new to me. It's a feeling of really liking myself, maybe loving myself. I've been in so many situations over the past few weeks where I normally would have been a wreck due to my anxiety. Not so. I feel comfortable, relaxed, and a sense of peace, able to enjoy conversation, or sit in a meeting and offer my ideas without feeling like "why did I say that? or that was stupid." I'm grateful for everyday. And the little things, I'm grateful for. I was reading in the NN about gratitude, a conversation and Ava made great points as well as NS:

NS:

I know I suggest being grateful in my posts sometimes and hadn't ever meant to be glib but I can now see how it might sound sometimes. I don't think we can simply decide to be grateful but we can make the effort to become grateful. And once you recognize and are thankful for the changes in your life, it is so much easier not to be tempted to give all that up -- you'll have way too much to lose.

Ava:

I make an effort daily to think of the positives in my life now that i never had when i was drinking. They may be little things like saying hello to my next door neighbour, which i would never have done before hungover to bigger positives like fixing the relationship with my mother. Everyday i think of a positive that i have achieved in that 24 hours being sober.

[SpiritGirl]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

My goodness... I have read the posts on this page over & over today.... THANK YOU, J-Vo for sharing your story and your thoughts... It is exactly what I needed to hear and I believe God brought me to this thread...I am glad I listened to Him.... You are an inspiration and I want what you have... Peace.... and a freedom from AL...I look forward to reading more :l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

SpritGirl,
I believe God brought me to MWO years ago, and finally, I was able to open my eyes and ears to what I needed to do. And He gave me peace in addition to all the other good stuff sobriety brings. I'm so glad this thread has helped you!