Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

It is tricky, El. We were just talking about complacency on another thread. If you listen to the Bubble Hour, one of the hosts, Ellie (I think that's her name) had a relapse after four years. She said it was due to complacency. So the trick is not a trick at all. The solution is coming here daily, staying present in our recovery, keeping everything fresh in our minds, even when we don't want to do it. Yes, we'll miss here and there, but to let it go long-term is only taking a huge risk. I don't want to take that risk anymore, as I've got lots of life to live now and refuse to miss out on anymore. Have a great day, El!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Just posted this in the nest. I've been feeling a bit insecure lately and I think it's because my school year is ending, had a crazy week last week with co-workers, and just a bit off. Could be anything, but my guess is it's this:

Wow, the last few days, I didn't really say it, but I've been feeling kind of low. I can't pinpoint it. My guess is that maybe I have anxiety because my summer will be starting shortly, and I've f-ed up every summer I'm off with booze...don't want that happening, as I know this year I've been really successful with AF stretches. It may be those thoughts, or it may be just the thought of being off and losing my strict schedule, one that i know I have to follow, or maybe it's the thought, now I have no reason not to lose the 30 lbs. I've put on because i have time to get my butt off the couch and exercise and eat right. So it could be any of those things. I've never had a sober summer, and I'm looking forward to it, but I need to stay focused on my sobriety. I was feeling a bit wobbly, so I pm'd a few people and that was a good thing. I'm posting how I'm feeling now, so that's always recommended for alkies to do. We don't need to keep these feelings bottled up. I was doing that. Pretending I was ok and I wasn't. Reading. Posting. Connecting. So I'm feeling a bit better as I've talked some things out with my girls, and posted here. Thanks NNesters.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Posted in the Loamers thread...feeling a bit funky lately, not posting, letting things fester - not a good combination:

MAE Ladies,

Ok, so I'm coming clean. No, I am not drinking, have not drunk, but my husband is staring at me like, "WTF is wrong with her now?" as i sit here and cry on the couch, or just let the tears fall and not really balling my eyes out or anything. It's just a steady stream of tears. Just started.

I read Pav's post, and the warning signs of "feeling funky, thinking about drinking, and posting less and less are what I'm coming clean about. This week, or even the last two weeks starting with the bs at work and leading up to the last day of work had my mind all over, not at peace, I wasn't giving myself enough time to let things go and these things kept building up inside me. Now I feel, even though it was my last day, that my thoughts are a bunch of jumbled crap and I need to sort them out. I think from the start, I let things that were out of my control (at work) bother me, make me angry, and even though at the time it didn't seem to affect my drinking thoughts, I let it continue until it the drinking thoughts started coming back to me. I'm probably making no sense, because I can't even follow what I''m saying. Let me see if I can condense this and clarify. I let myself stay angry, stay stressed, tried to make things happen that were out of my control, let my mind spiral out of control. And it's effects are showing up right now. Not letting things go, letting things fester is a dangerous place to be for an recovering alcoholic. Very dangerous. So what I read on Ellie's site today is that when we get into this position, when we let these things fester, we need to stop and ask for help. Ok, here I am asking for your help.

Today after work, I wasn't in a festive mood, or I'd have gone to the co-workers house to hang out with the ladies. Yes, they were drinking, but lately, that doesn't bother me much. I've been getting better being around booze, although sometimes I'm not. Maybe it was a mix of knowing I'd feel bad about not drinking while they were, and just feeling the bleh I've been feeling, but I chose not to go. I came home and took a nap. Then I continued to be in a pissy mood, just not myself, hanging out at the pity party.

That's where I am. I feel better that I've told you all. I feel great that I'm keeping in close contact with you. It's making a huge difference this time. Knowing the support is right at my fingertips, knowing you all care so much is what I need and that kinda makes me more misty now just thinking of you girls.

The two things that i have decided will begin my day for the next several weeks are MWO and exercise. After that, it's maybe house to do's, a bike ride, doing what i need to do for work - I like to start planning over the summer because I get bored doing the same old things year after year. Actually, I'll be teaching a drama class and I"ve never taught that before!!!!! I'll be looking for ideas and I can't wait to delve into that. Oops, almost forgot I was sad for a second...that was a nice relief. So I haven't smoked either, have been off the patch for awhile now, haven't touched a cigarette in I guess a few months. I wasn't counting days with that because I don't wanna get my other AF days screwed up.

I'm probably rambling now about nothing. Just the fact that I'm telling you how I"m feeling and how i came to feel this way. I'm recognizing this crappy feeling, and tomorrow I start to get my mind in the right place. I won't let this shit fester in my face and head anymore. Whatever happened, happened. I'm ready to move on.

[Juja]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Such good reading here this morning...thanks, everyone.

J-vo, yup, stress, repressed anger, feeling powerless, all of that crap will make us depressed. Once you get some distance between yourself and this past school year, I think the little things that are making you weep, will fall away. Give yourself some time.

So many of you have been to so many places, that I feel like a hayseed. One of my goals with my separation is to overcome my fear of getting lost, and traveling more. I have no sense of direction, and it limits my life. I freeze at the thought of driving outside my comfort zone. Yes, I can get a GPS, but not having an inner sense of where I am, which direction to go, etc., is paralyzing. There's a dead spot in my brain where a compass is suppose to be. So, that's one of my main goals in life--to go, be unafraid, and trust in myself to find my way.

j-vo, again...thanks for reminding me that's it's okay to come here and talk. Really talk. Perhaps if I did that I would be successful in my quest to be AF.

I'm not going to do any work today. I'm going to get out of here, and roam. I may buy a few more plants. I want some steppables to put in front of my steps. I WILL stop at that! I keep seeing plants and flowers I want to try here at my new place. I am not rich, and need to put the brakes on, as I've gone a little crazy with $$ during this separation.

May vent about husband and father, and this week, later. If I clear my head today, maybe I won't have to.

Have a safe, smart day.:l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I probably have this posted somewhere, but Pav reposted in the NN and I reread it. I'm glad i did. Thanks Pav.

Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

wip

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

You sound Happy Juja! I'm so glad to hear that.

About your inner compass. I don't know about your spirituality, but mine was lost when I drank. I believe in God and what I just did last week, I've never done before in my life. I ordered a Bible that is in the voice translation which means we can comprehend as it's written in our modern language. The bible is aptly entitled, "Compass." Anyhow, that's on my list of books to read, as there are 66 books in the Bible and I'm sure that'll keep me busy this summer. I need direction in my life. This is where I'm choosing to take direction from.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

This was written by my very smart friend, NoSugar.

The chicken and the egg discussion going on here is interesting. No one wants to be a dry drunk so I certainly agree that simply not consuming alcohol is not enough. And changing our thinking and dealing with underlying problems certainly makes it easier not to drink. While it is essential to do the work of becoming a sober person, I don't think it can be done while you are regularly drinking.

People with serious weight problems talk about there being a thin person inside them desperately wanting to get out. I think there must be a sober person wanting to be free within anyone who comes to MWO. To lose weight, you've got to set up physical, social, psychological, and biochemical conditions such that you not only can control what you eat but also make your body metabolically normal. Until your body can burn fat, it doesn't matter how little you eat.

Not consuming alcohol sets up your brain biochemistry not to crave it anymore, making it easier not to drink. The longer the time not drinking, the more your brain heals, allowing you to think more clearly and have more normal emotions and reactions. This makes dealing with all aspects of your life - past and present - possible.

So maybe it isn't a chicken/egg situation and they need to be simultaneous to become truly sober: not drinking makes healing possible makes not drinking easier and on and on.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

An inspiring post by Turnagain. Thank you!!!!!

[QUOTE=Turnagain;1670854]Hi all....I'm a bit of a stranger these days in this part of MWO...but as a grateful Alumnus of the amazing Newbie's Nest...I do still read here when I can and Jane…your post really touched me. I'd like to offer some factual information that I think might be of interest and comfort to your situation.

For many years, I bought into the notion that I was just one of those unlucky and undisciplined people cursed with an "addictive-personality". At one time or another, I found myself battling with compulsive over-eating and then later, compulsive, addictive drinking and smoking... and then there was the compulsive addictive internet usage...you get the idea. I was resigned to thinking of myself as an ever-revolving mess of weak-willed, over-doing it, compulsive, out-of-control behaviors.

Well...science says otherwise. It was a revelation to me to learn about the latest research about addiction. While the details about the mechanisms of addiction are not fully understood yet, researchers now know that all addiction stems from the same place in the brain. In simplest terms, basically our reward system – which involves our dopamine receptors – gets really messed up. Maybe our receptors were damaged by stress early in childhood or later in life. Maybe they got skewed by simply drunk-drinking as a youth…maybe we're all fighting receptor fatigue because of our typical western diet that’s high on sugar and low in real nutrients. Regardless of the cause and the individual path we've taken, we've ended up in the same hellish place that is addiction.

Our brain strives for homeostasis and it works mightily to maintain that balance. One of the many problems with drugs – like alcohol – is that these substances overwhelm the dompaine receptors…..smacks ‘em down and even destroys them and then we need an ever increasing amount of the drug to try to get that same reward. Sugar does the same thing. And add that to another strike against the drug alcohol since it is the jet-fuel of all sugars with a toxic punch of brain-altering ethanol which IMMEDIATELY gets absorbed into our blood system and impacts us instantly on a cellular level - all 200 million trillion of them – depending on how you count them. No matter HOW you add it up…it’s safe to say ALL cells are impacted by this devastating systemic drug.

Jane, your earlier post about substituting the word HEROIN for alcohol is brilliant and absolutely right on the spot. Alcohol really IS a drug. Even though it is legal, even though it is celebrated, even though it is widely accepted and is pervasive in our culture, IT IS STILL A DRUG. The alcohol industry has invested decades of time and billions of PR and lobbying dollars to make sure we – nor or governments - view it as the toxic, carcinogenic, addictive substance that it is. Yup…Big Alcohol has made us believe that it’s OUR problem for taking the substance. We are the defective ones because we can’t ingest a toxic, addictive substance ‘responsibly’? How effed up and ABSURD is this thinking?

Rant over (for the moment) while I return to sharing information that will help you figure out how to deal with ALL addiction. Getting better is all about rewiring the reward system. This takes time…but it can be done. AND…you are ALREADY taking some solid actions toward this.

There are basically THREE KEYS to Freeing your Brain from ADDICTION:

FIRST - With alcohol – the most important thing you can do is keep it out of your system. That’s the starting point. With food…well…we DO have to eat or die. So you have to switch to the fuel that is good for your system. That means nothing processed – whole healthy foods. AND absolutely NO SUGAR. It is part of the chemical trigger that overwhelms the dopamine circuits. Withdrawal is a bitch….but we get through it. Because our bodies will feel absolutely deprived initially without the sugar, I suggest having a stock of healthy fruits around during the acute detox phase but go easy on it. Nutshell: BAD OUT – GOOD IN.

SECOND – Aggressively work on rewiring the brain. Even during withdrawal, - make that ESPECIALLY during withdrawal - you can actively begin changing your brain. Each time you make a positive, affirmative decision to change your old ways….you are forging new neural pathways in your brain. What fires together wires together, as they say. It’s like building muscles…a little at a time adds up to make you a whole lot stronger over time. Give yourself heaps of credit for this. Even the seemingly small acts should get a big round of internal applause.

REWARD yourself early and often. In my early AF days, I actually transferred the amount of money I would spend on booze and smokes each day into a special bank account. It really adds up. My addictions were costing about $22 a day – sometimes more. I made a point of pampering myself – I got my first ever pedicure…I bought some big-ass dahlia plants…I donated to the animal shelter….I set aside money for a huge family vacation… and these days…I’m salting that money away to help one of my kids through graduate school. To date, the amount of money that would’ve got down my throat and up in smoke rings in at $23,188 (1054 days x $22 a day) HOLY SHECKLES, Batman! That ain’t chicken feed now- even by Stella’s standards. I love seeing that number now – makes my dopamine just ping off the charts – in a good way!

Cultivate Gratitude. Nothing causes the dopamine to start flowing again like gratitude. Putting great and grateful thoughts in your head actually changes your brain chemistry. Meditation is another fast and effective way to physically change your chemistry. Got an mp3 player? There are TONS of great podcasts to help guide you in learning how to quiet and direct some of the 70,000 thoughts we churn out every day. And as for gratitude, I start and finish everyday with a list of what I am grateful for. I often do the ABC gratitude list…finding something I am grateful for that matches every letter of the alphabet. Jane…I absolutely LOVE your avatar because I have become awfully GRATEFUL for Zebras!

THIRD – exercise – early and often and vigorously. Interval exercise causes our brains to release bdnf (brain-derived neurotropic factors)– it’s like miracle grow for the mind. Exercise is the GOOD stress our system needs. If you can’t go out and do sprints or spastic jumping jacks (my fav) start with brisk walking. Some people with lower-body disabilities do upper-body boxing moves to raise their heart rates and get the bdnf going. However you do it…Move it - move it - move it !

Bottom line…you can not only take back your life from addiction – these actions can help you discover a BETTER life than you could imagine even before addiction. Orimus…you talk about filling the void. Just 3 years ago, if you would’ve told me I would be living the life I am right now…I would’ve declared you delusional. I was resigned to existing in a small, dark, depressing world world enslaved by my addictions…blaming myself and believing I was defective and doomed. Well…now - after getting in there and doing a massive rewiring of the entire works - it is clear that I am not diseased or flawed or defective. Life is full and good and exciting and each new day feels like a precious gift. And, as if that wasn’t enough…I’ve learned how to play the accordion !

Finally…I am not exceptional. I don’t have iron will-power or great self-discipline. What I DO have is factual information that gave me the understanding and acceptance that was essential in overcoming addiction in all its many forms.

Everyone can have this tremendous peace of mind and freedom – freedom from addiction AND freedom from the fear of ‘relapse’ - once you understand and accept the unalterable physical FACTS of addiction. Alcohol is a toxic drug that damages. Every cell in your body. Every single drink. Every single time. Using drugs is NOT 'normal' despite what the clever ads during Superbowl would have you believe.

I appreciate the opportunity to share and I am so thrilled to see so many of you coming along this path. One foot in front of the other will get you out of this pit…keep going

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I just posted something in the NN about friends in sobriety. I love my girlfriends. Yes, they all drink, most of them have an off-switch. But no, I don't go to the bars and hang out after work (the few times a year that we do that) for hours, or maybe in the future I'll stop for a non-al drink for a short period of time to just keep that connection with them and enjoy their company. From time to time, we go to dinner or lunch (in summers) and that's not an alcohol fueled party. So if they're having a lite beer with lunch, no big deal. That's normal.

But what I'm trying to incorporate now, is other activities with my gf's that don't center around dinner, a bar, or any night-time activities that would have alcohol. I have a girlfriend that lost her husband in the fall of last year. She's tough, but she really struggles as anyone would losing the love of their lives. She goes to hot yoga in the mornings, so I asked her if I could go with her one morning to try out. No al involved there, but quality time with someone I care about. Another girlfriend has a bike and I just bought one. We're planning on some biking adventures this summer. Again. Quality time with someone I care about and no al in site. They're not alkies, so they do other things! They have fun in other ways. So look at what your friends are doing, what interests do they have and maybe join in with them. These are new adventures and you may find something you enjoy in addition to having quality time with someone you really like.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Had a close call this past Friday. I've been thinking about family and issues around drinking with them. Very unsettling to say the least. I've gotten great advice on how to deal with these feelings. I need to enjoy them as much as I can, and let the rest go. I can't control them, what they do or say, but I can love them no matter what they do. I will. They are imperfect beings just like everyone. It just goes to show you that alkies are not only hard on themselves, but also their family members. I need to ease up and let go.

I did have a wobbly night. My DH talked me through it. He reminded me of this site, and the beautiful people that help me daily on here. He did say they would be upset if I drank and he's right. He said I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I drank and he was right about that. He said lots, and basically everything I needed to hear. So I got through that night. The next day, I took a half tablet of antabuse, because I was still feeling wobbly and a bit upset. It made me quite tired that day, but luckily I didn't have anything planned. But I got through that day. And I woke up today, Sunday, feeling brand new. It was a rough patch, and I got through with support from both my DH and MWO (thank you!) and antabuse. I did it, and I'm stronger for it as I'm on 83 days now, not on day 1.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Sounds like you handled things just right!
And your husband did the same. I am very happy you have each other. And maybe things have not always been perfect, but it looks like you are building a new kind of future for yourselves.

You know I have had to put to rest the animosity I feel towards my parents... at least I am trying. I am the only one who seems to be bothered by their behaviors. They think they are perfectly fine. I have also been told I am pushy. I have seen you mention the same kind of thing I think? It is hard to imagine how pushy I could possibly be when I live in Europe and my father is in South American and I haven't seen him in over two years. Yeah, I am just obnoxious huh? Really 'in his face all the time.' Gotta watch that.

My brother has been 'done' with them for years. I am a bit slower... I do see very clearly why these days.

I won't get into the details. Lets just say their capacity for thinking only of themselves is remarkable. When they divorced it was like they both decided their 'children' were rather an inconvenience. We were only 12 for goodness sake. It is hard to be invisible when your 12. Enough of that. I guess we all get to a point where we stop trying to please our parents, that is... if it seem completely impossible. Ugh. Now I am getting myself down. ....!!

j-vo;1674900 wrote: Had a close call this past Friday. I've been thinking about family and issues around drinking with them. Very unsettling to say the least. I've gotten great advice on how to deal with these feelings. I need to enjoy them as much as I can, and let the rest go. I can't control them, what they do or say, but I can love them no matter what they do. I will. They are imperfect beings just like everyone. It just goes to show you that alkies are not only hard on themselves, but also their family members. I need to ease up and let go.

I did have a wobbly night. My DH talked me through it. He reminded me of this site, and the beautiful people that help me daily on here. He did say they would be upset if I drank and he's right. He said I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I drank and he was right about that. He said lots, and basically everything I needed to hear. So I got through that night. The next day, I took a half tablet of antabuse, because I was still feeling wobbly and a bit upset. It made me quite tired that day, but luckily I didn't have anything planned. But I got through that day. And I woke up today, Sunday, feeling brand new. It was a rough patch, and I got through with support from both my DH and MWO (thank you!) and antabuse. I did it, and I'm stronger for it as I'm on 83 days now, not on day 1.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

That's so sad, Eloise. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Do you keep in touch with your brother? Is mom in the states? Here's a hug for ya.:l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

This was my very first post on MWO, dated 8/29/08. Things didn't change much since then until this past October, 2013. I won't be stuck in this anymore...

Hi everyone. I've been reading these posts for probably over a year, started the supps. last year and just wasn't successful because my mind wasn't into it. I was trying to force myself somehow, I guess.

A little about myself - I'm married, have one beautiful 10 year old boy. I've been married for 18 years, been with my husband for approx. 26 years.

When my husband and I started dating, it was the party scene on the weekends. We partied with beer and other recreational drugs. At one point, cocaine was my addiction until my husband put a stop to that. I wouldn't have been able to say no, but he did.

Moving into my 20's, continued partying, adding wine to the poison list. Was never a problem as far as obsessions go, but I did drink my fair share. Into my 30's, we added whiskey and vodka as partners to our beer. I found I didn't have to drink as much beer and that was less filling. What a great discovery! Into my later 30's, it became more of a problem, obsession, wanting it all the time. I'm 43 now, and for about 2 years, I've tried off and on to stop, moderate, talk myself into the fact that I'm not an alcoholic, that I'm just like everyone else. Not the case.

I guess everyone's drinking can come from two sources. Our family genes and our experiences. I would say I'm a combo. There have been many family members that were alcoholics. And my experiences as a young person are memories of never feeling good enough. Always in my older beautiful sister's shadow. Very low self esteem my whole life. In my early 20's, I decided to take a shot at college to become a teacher. Well, I did it getting an A on every single test and class I took. I had to. I had to prove something to myself. But guess what. That didn't solve my self esteem issues. I still didn't think I was good enough. In my mid 20's, I got into a deep depression with extreme anxiety. I became afraid of everyone around me. A severe social anxiety. I got hives from head to toe talking with anyone, especially a superior, or whom I thought was superior. This extreme anxiety lasted a long time, and although it comes and goes, I've done better. Maybe all the years teaching has helped my confidence. But it still lurks around the corner. I think a lot of these issues resulted in my overindulgence and into an addiction. I've just gone 13 days without alcohol. I've done this many times before, but always seem to talk my way out of it.

I can't talk my way out of it anymore. Something worse than getting a DUI is having your son see you drunk and not trust to be with you alone because he's afraid you're going to get drunk and not take care of him. I hope it's not too late to regain his trust back.

At work, I'm always in the lead for sick days. That's pretty bad. And I know that other's notice my heavy drinking, and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a good mother and wife. My husband has put up with so much crap such as making him take my son out for a few hours so I can drink. I've had many embarrassing episodes over the years that I hate myself for it.

I started seeing a therapist and plan to start a new church this Sunday. I need God in my life now, can't do it without him. I want the peace and serenity that I think I deserve.

I'm scared that I'll get weak at one point and I just will go back to my old patterns and ways. I'm afraid for my health since I've been such a binge drinker for many years.

Have to go. Hope to hear from you soon.

j-vo

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

You've come a long way, J-vo :l ! So happy for you. xx, NS

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Byrdie posted in the nest...

Well, I was close, it wasn't 9 things, it was 13! (my lucky number!)

Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid


We can define mental strength by identifying the things mentally strong individuals don’t do. Over the weekend, I was impressed by this list compiled by Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, that she shared in LifeHack. It impressed me enough I’d also like to share her list here along with my thoughts on how each of these items is particularly applicable to entrepreneurs.

1. Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves. You don’t see mentally strong people feeling sorry for their circumstances or dwelling on the way they’ve been mistreated. They have learned to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, and they have an inherent understanding of the fact that frequently life is not fair. They are able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned. When a situation turns out badly, they respond with phrases such as “Oh, well.” Or perhaps simply, “Next!”

2. Give Away Their Power. Mentally strong people avoid giving others the power to make them feel inferior or bad. They understand they are in control of their actions and emotions. They know their strength is in their ability to manage the way they respond.

3. Shy Away from Change. Mentally strong people embrace change and they welcome challenge. Their biggest “fear,” if they have one, is not of the unknown, but of becoming complacent and stagnant. An environment of change and even uncertainty can energize a mentally strong person and bring out their best.

4. Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control. Mentally strong people don’t complain (much) about bad traffic, lost luggage, or especially about other people, as they recognize that all of these factors are generally beyond their control. In a bad situation, they recognize that the one thing they can always control is their own response and attitude, and they use these attributes well.

5. Worry About Pleasing Others. Know any people pleasers? Or, conversely, people who go out of their way to dis-please others as a way of reinforcing an image of strength? Neither position is a good one. A mentally strong person strives to be kind and fair and to please others where appropriate, but is unafraid to speak up. They are able to withstand the possibility that someone will get upset and will navigate the situation, wherever possible, with grace.

It takes much practice to hone mental strength
It takes much practice to hone mental strength

6. Fear Taking Calculated Risks. A mentally strong person is willing to take calculated risks. This is a different thing entirely than jumping headlong into foolish risks. But with mental strength, an individual can weigh the risks and benefits thoroughly, and will fully assess the potential downsides and even the worst-case scenarios before they take action.

7. Dwell on the Past. There is strength in acknowledging the past and especially in acknowledging the things learned from past experiences—but a mentally strong person is able to avoid miring their mental energy in past disappointments or in fantasies of the “glory days” gone by. They invest the majority of their energy in creating an optimal present and future.

8. Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over. We all know the definition of insanity, right? It’s when we take the same actions again and again while hoping for a different and better outcome than we’ve gotten before. A mentally strong person accepts full responsibility for past behavior and is willing to learn from mistakes. Research shows that the ability to be self-reflective in an accurate and productive way is one of the greatest strengths of spectacularly successful executives and entrepreneurs.

9. Resent Other People’s Success. It takes strength of character to feel genuine joy and excitement for other people’s success. Mentally strong people have this ability. They don’t become jealous or resentful when others succeed (although they may take close notes on what the individual did well). They are willing to work hard for their own chances at success, without relying on shortcuts.

10. Give Up After Failure. Every failure is a chance to improve. Even the greatest entrepreneurs are willing to admit that their early efforts invariably brought many failures. Mentally strong people are willing to fail again and again, if necessary, as long as the learning experience from every “failure” can bring them closer to their ultimate goals.

11. Fear Alone Time. Mentally strong people enjoy and even treasure the time they spend alone. They use their downtime to reflect, to plan, and to be productive. Most importantly, they don’t depend on others to shore up their happiness and moods. They can be happy with others, and they can also be happy alone.

12. Feel the World Owes Them Anything. Particularly in the current economy, executives and employees at every level are gaining the realization that the world does not owe them a salary, a benefits package and a comfortable life, regardless of their preparation and schooling. Mentally strong people enter the world prepared to work and succeed on their merits, at every stage of the game.

13. Expect Immediate Results. Whether it’s a workout plan, a nutritional regimen, or starting a business, mentally strong people are “in it for the long haul”. They know better than to expect immediate results. They apply their energy and time in measured doses and they celebrate each milestone and increment of success on the way. They have “staying power.” And they understand that genuine changes take time. Do you have mental strength? Are there elements on this list you need more of? With thanks to Amy Morin, I would like to reinforce my own abilities further in each of these areas today. How about you?