Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Well, what timely posts and I'm sick to my stomach right now as I drank last night. I've let you all down and let myself down. I don't even know where to begin. I guess two days ago.

I was tired of being an alcoholic. I didn't want to be an alcoholic anymore. I didn't want to be the different one. I've always struggled to be normal, and that's what I wanted. To be the normal drinker. I found everything I could online saying that I could moderate. I got out my old "Responsible Drinking" book. I said to myself, I'm going to give it a go once again. I know that i can do this, because what I'll do is I'll work as hard at moderation as I do at abstinence. Makes sense to me. Complete sense.

The big thing here. I thought I might have an imbalance in my brain that could be cured. I've had such success with NS's diet recommendations, have gotten healthier with just eating whole foods and cutting out crap. I talked myself into believing proper nutrition and supplements tailored for my body would cure me of my addictions. Of my alcoholism. So I could be normal. I talked DH into believing all of this. I talked him into believing I could be normal. He was nervous about this whole idea. Of course. He didn't know what to expect. I had the plan. 7 units per week. I explained to him what a unit was. 5 oz of wine, 12 oz beer. I explained about l-glut. We had a long discussion, and he was still not satisfied with my promises and pitch to be normal.

Well, I said let me prove it. I took an l-glut under my tongue. I had my first 5 oz of wine. Didn't taste that great. Had dinner with another glass of wine. A $10 glass of wine doesn't taste great? Onto the last one at casino. No enjoyment. Woke up at 3 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Thought about what I'd done and the people I'd let down. It all came back to me that I'd never be normal. Ever. Not only will I never be normal, no one will trust me again. You all put so much time into me, and look what i did. I make myself normal in my head. WTF.

I told DH didn't enjoy any of it. I would have been much happier with dessert and coffee after dinner. And now I"m on day one. And I've let you all down. And myself. And I"m still not normal.

In my two day haze of trying to think I'd be or could be normal, I likened my case to my students who have difficulty learning. I never give up on them. They will get it, just in a different way. I'll try every way that I can. Some are slow learners, some need to be taught using various modalities, so I'm kind of like them with alcohol. I can learn to moderate differently. I've shown I can take the time and put in the work to be abstinent, and I'll do the same and more to moderate. Just so I can be normal. Just so I can get it right. I wanted to be in the mainstream. I didn't want this disability. I fought with myself for two days straight, pushing myself into the normal range.

What made me know after I drank, even before i awoke at 3 am? I'll never be normal. Ever. I won't get the skill of moderation mastered. Why do I set myself up like this? Because I strive to be like everyone else. I strive to be ok. I want to know I'm normal.

Why didn't I call anyone to discuss this? Because I didn't want to be shown I wasn't normal. I wouldn't accept it. I don't need someone to tell me what they think they know. I know what they think. I know I'm right. Or at least I thought I was right.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry is all I can come up with. Sorry about whatever went through my mind these last few days and took hold of me. Sorry to all of you who care about me. I let myself down. I lost my days. I'm back to square one. You've all lost faith in me now, and guess what. I'm still not fucking normal.
__________________
Alcohol Free March 31, 2014
When you feel like giving up on recovery, remember why you held on for so long.

[See the Light]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hang in there.

Jvo. Sorry to hear that you drank a few, and I am sure it feels bad, but maybe you are being too hard on yourself. As still a newbie here, I consider anyone who went 120+days and inspiration. Think of the money you saved. Think of the repair your body went through. Think of the relationships you may have healed, and they people here on MWO you surely helped. All that still exists, so back on the saddle and this time you learned one more lesson which will make it last next time. I posted a link below to something you wrote just a few days back to a question I asked on when it gets easier. It seemed you knocked down so many obstacles already, you clearly have the tools to do even better next time. Hang in there


https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ml#post1687980

[Starfish1]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

I agree with STL, Jvo! You are an amazing woman and have helped so many here, including me. All is not lost. This is a process, and you have learned so many coping skills over the past months. I am so proud of you for coming right back. That's the way to do it! Carry on, sweet friend :l

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

We're not giving up on you, J. Please don't give up on yourself.
Facing Yourself After Relapse | Addiction Treatment Magazine

[scottish lass]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Love you j-vo, please do not be too hard on yourslef - you have made huge progress and this can be chalked up to another learning experience and I will learn from you....
So very well done for coming back. Re-read the quote in my signature line:l:l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks STL. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. And I reread my post : )

NS and SL, love you ladies.:h

[scottish lass]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

We love you too - make sure you love yourself as well! Ok???

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

As I continue to look at how my last week unfolded and read the relapse info you posted Pav, it became more clear as to what happened to me. Having this information in front of me, I believe is important and another piece of knowledge and tool for me.

Before I had that mod thought, before I'd begun to read everything I could so that I could mod successfully, I had a problem with work which started out as textbooks and led into a back and forth rant between me and my department head. I forwarded all of these emails to my principal so that he knew what was going on, as I believed he was screwing us out of money and textbooks. Well, in fact, that is true. But the way I handled it was not tactful, professional, and I made an ass out of myself and the whole situation. My anxiety went through the roof, which it hadn't done that in a long time. I was so angry and felt I got the shaft in a deal that shouldn't have been handled the way it was. Not only that, I felt I let my principal down, who does think highly of me, and it bothered me that I thought I'd ruined that relationship and lost his trust. I don't know where I'll stand with him, but I've always had a good reputation as being a good teacher. The next thing I found out is that the two English teachers they brought back to 8th grade in addition to my position (language arts) is just another move forward for them moving me and my other colleague (another language arts teacher) out of those positions after this coming year. He bought the textbooks for the English teachers even though we'd told him we needed our other books replaced as they're falling apart. Then he said 8th grade will be revisited next year as to who will be staying in that grade. Well, it's obvious from his purchase that we're out and they're in. I don't know where I'll go next year (not this year) but it is like me to freak out a whole year early. Yes. Very much me. So this was what got my wheels spinning. I had to find a way to know that I could moderate. I had to figure this out. From the article Pav posted, I found these two things:

1. Feeling unable to cope...people feel overwhelmed and unable to think rationally and have a desire to escape.

2. A trigger event provides an opportunity for internal discomfort to rise to the surface. The individual over reacts because the tension has built up.

I wasn't even thinking of this event as a trigger. I was thinking it was just that mod thought that got me rolling as I delved into everything I could so I could try and moderate. Why? Because of this trigger situation that pushed my anxiety button to the top floor.

It wasn't worth getting upset, angry, and freaked out over. Work is work. We're gonna have to deal with whatever they tell us to do. If I get moved next year, so be it. I can work anywhere, with any kids and find happiness. I'm flexible and I'll work it out with whatever is thrown at me. Damn. I'm lucky I have such a great job. I'll be retiring probably within 9 years, and so what about this one little situation. It's a freaking bump in the road. A pebble in the sand. Until I read that article, I didn't see it that way. But now knowing how I am with my over reactions, and when this happens, I don't think rationally, I will be extremely careful how I handle upcoming situations at work. I won't let these issues stand in the way of my sobriety. My sobriety is much more important to me than what grade I teach. I will be more attuned to what's going on in my mind, not react impulsively. I need to step back and learn how to breath, think things through before I go and do something I'll regret later. It's not worth it!
__________________

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

The Lizard Brain

The Lizard Brain Addiction Monster

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thank you Soft Focus. I appreciate your kind words. Yes, I am slowly coming out of my funk and almost back to feeling ok. I still am feeling upset that i let that happen, but I was going to post some important things, realizations of what could have prevented my last fall, my very last fall. I'm glad you're doing well!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Some things that I want to note from my fall last week...

For one, I didn't use my most important tool, which is reaching out to someone who could help me when I couldn't clear my head up on my own. When things seemed to take over my brain, I let it keep riding, when what I should have done is picked up the phone and asked for help, told someone that I was having problems, and let that person be my temporary rational part of my brain until I got mine up and working.

Also, I've not be working on my gratitude being in recovery. I've been living in deprivation, wandering when it would go away, but not taking the necessary steps to force out the bad thoughts and replace with gratification. This may not feel genuine all the time, it may be forced, but there are lots of things that i can notice daily and be grateful for them.

Finally, when my anxiety skyrockets, I know from my past behaviors, I hang on to it, followed by frustration and anger. I need to be mindful of this and what the consequences of what this does to me, and the poor choices I make following episodes of high anxiety. I need to use a 24 hour rule or even 48 hour rule. Not take any action for that amount of time, reassess the situation when I'm calmer, and go forward with more rational and appropriate actions.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Great post from NS to Daisy...

Daisy, you really used this site in the way it is most likely to work - I'm so impressed and happy for you. Now that you're on the other side of that potential crisis, doing a version of "play it forward" can be so helpful. How would it have gone if you'd decided to drink?

I bet you would have had to gulp down the first glass because you would have been feeling so guilty and wrong, you'd have needed to get to that fuzzy place of not caring as quickly as possible. I've heard the first one usually tastes pretty bad after a period of abstinence, too, so gulping might have helped you get past that, too. The second glass might have been more enjoyable but you still would have been with it enough to know you were undoing 86 days of hard work. You truly would have been swallowing all the pride you'd gained. After 2 or 3, you might not have cared about the consequences anymore and would have been on your way to the desired state of oblivion. At some point you would have reached it and either crashed on your couch or staggered off to bed without cleaning up. In the morning you'd figure out which of those had happened. And this is the best case scenario - not being as used to drinking as before, you might have gotten really drunk and sent emails or text messages that would mortify you this morning, you might have fallen and hurt yourself, or you might have for some reason had to drive and gotten a DUI or in a tragic accident.

Even if you had only blacked out, safe in your home, you would have awakened with the sickening feeling of failure. You would wonder what was wrong with you. You would have given anything to turn the clock back 24 hours or 12 hours -- just long enough not to make the horrible choice to drink.

Well, enough of "Play it Backward" because that isn't what you did . But contrasting your fabulous choice with the consequences of its opposite can really help cement in your rationale mind the right thing to do.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Great post from Pav...

I was exercising today and listened to the Bubble Hour episode called: Early Sobriety - Am I Ever Going to Feel Better. It is VERY GOOD for people with 1 day to 1 year sober - very informative about what we might be feeling and experiencing. They talk about PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) that can strike at any time when you least expect them, and can frequently lead to relapse. Symptoms include:

--Anxiety
--Irritability
--Disrupted sleeping patterns; insomnia
--Confusion and forgetfulness
--Attention and focus problems

What is the one thing that we think can relieve all of those problems quickly? You guessed it - a drink. That's why PAWS can lead to relapse.

They make the point that most people get them, even if you think it couldn't be you (I know I thought it couldn't be me - I thought that was for REALLY REALLY hard drinkers...) They also make the point that as long as we're expecting them and make very tight plans to get through them we CAN get through them (like G says above). And what's the number one recommendation? REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. The reason we don't want to is that we feel vulnerable, afraid, ashamed and we don't want to be talked out of a "planned relapse." We make excuses that our brain tells us are real, and get defensive when people point out the fallacy of our thinking. That is the cold, hard fact of denial.

The bummer is, once you drink, your brain is reset back, and you'll have to go through it all again.

SO... If you're feeling crummy in any way for any reason, post here, call a friend, go to a meeting, read, exercise, breathe - BEFORE you make the decision to listen to the dickhead (that's AL). The good news is that it goes away. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, but it DOES go away.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Great post from Pav...

I was exercising today and listened to the Bubble Hour episode called: Early Sobriety - Am I Ever Going to Feel Better. It is VERY GOOD for people with 1 day to 1 year sober - very informative about what we might be feeling and experiencing. They talk about PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) that can strike at any time when you least expect them, and can frequently lead to relapse. Symptoms include:

--Anxiety
--Irritability
--Disrupted sleeping patterns; insomnia
--Confusion and forgetfulness
--Attention and focus problems

What is the one thing that we think can relieve all of those problems quickly? You guessed it - a drink. That's why PAWS can lead to relapse.

They make the point that most people get them, even if you think it couldn't be you (I know I thought it couldn't be me - I thought that was for REALLY REALLY hard drinkers...) They also make the point that as long as we're expecting them and make very tight plans to get through them we CAN get through them (like G says above). And what's the number one recommendation? REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. The reason we don't want to is that we feel vulnerable, afraid, ashamed and we don't want to be talked out of a "planned relapse." We make excuses that our brain tells us are real, and get defensive when people point out the fallacy of our thinking. That is the cold, hard fact of denial.

The bummer is, once you drink, your brain is reset back, and you'll have to go through it all again.

SO... If you're feeling crummy in any way for any reason, post here, call a friend, go to a meeting, read, exercise, breathe - BEFORE you make the decision to listen to the dickhead (that's AL). The good news is that it goes away. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, but it DOES go away.

[Matt M.]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

J~vo thanks for posting the Paws. At 43 I like you have been trying to stop for many years. After reading the symptoms , every time I have relapsed I was likely suffering from all of those at the same time. I sit here now with 6 days af, knowing and reading my past journals and list I made from my other failed attempts, I still find myself trying to rationalize drinking today. Mind blowing!
Anyway thanks again for posting your story