Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

[Rivergal]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

God how I can relate. I am 52 & used to be known for my athleticism & not looking my age. AL is slowly killing me. I never felt better when I was engaged in this forum. I am back for good. I must put my sobriety before everything. The blackouts have scared the hell out of me. I can't do this anymore, to myself or to my body.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks Matt M. and Rivergal. Glad you're here on MWO and with the support and determination, we can get to the other side where there's life, happiness, and peace.:l

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Patrice encouraged me to count my AF days since I came back here in October. I came back on Day 3 which was October 23, 2013. Over the last 10 months, I slipped and fell 4 or 5 times. If I calculated correctly, I was sober 261 days out of 283. My math may be off, but it's probably pretty close. Anyhow, that means I was sober 92 percent of the time since October 21, 2013. I know this isn't how sobriety works, but I'm keeping these sober days as I worked hard for them, although I'm starting at Day 1. I need to think about this sober time, as it was more than I've ever had in a span of almost 10 months. My life was manageable, great, I found peace, happiness, and my depression and anxiety decreased a lot. Now, my goal is to not have any breaks in the days I build up from now on. No excuses, no reasons. There is no choice in the matter and I'm back with a vengeance. My goal: AF forever, one day at a time. I won't shoot heroin, nor will I pour poison down my throat.

[Guitarista]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Good on ya J-vo.

Walking right alongside you.

G bloke.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Thanks G! :l

[NoSugar]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Guitarista;1692315 wrote: Walking right alongside you.

We all are, j-vo. xx- NS

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

NS...:l

[Petrelhead]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Hi j-vo. Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. I've just returned to start a day 1 again, so your thread title sums that up perfectly.

You've done extremely well in the past several months with long extended periods of not drinking. I'm quite happy with what I've achieved this year with several extended periods of sobriety. We should think of those period as a great achievement. We have proven to ourselves that we can do this. We just have to do it.

[Eloise]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1692314 wrote: Patrice encouraged me to count my AF days since I came back here in October. I came back on Day 3 which was October 23, 2013. Over the last 10 months, I slipped and fell 4 or 5 times. If I calculated correctly, I was sober 261 days out of 283. My math may be off, but it's probably pretty close. Anyhow, that means I was sober 92 percent of the time since October 21, 2013. I know this isn't how sobriety works, but I'm keeping these sober days as I worked hard for them, although I'm starting at Day 1. I need to think about this sober time, as it was more than I've ever had in a span of almost 10 months. My life was manageable, great, I found peace, happiness, and my depression and anxiety decreased a lot. Now, my goal is to not have any breaks in the days I build up from now on. No excuses, no reasons. There is no choice in the matter and I'm back with a vengeance. My goal: AF forever, one day at a time. I won't shoot heroin, nor will I pour poison down my throat.

You know this is a process to quit for good. I find being sober 92% of the time over 10 months is pretty darn good and something to be proud of. I can't say I have been sober like that in years, so don't discount your progress J-vo. I think you will get the forever part too. Hang in there. x

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Petrel,
I saw you're back in the nest. I'm glad you made that choice. Struggling between modding and abstinence should be a no-brainer for me as I never succeeded with the modding. I start reading too much on something that isn't for me and I try and make myself fit that mold, and it just doesn't work. I should probably keep my head out of all reading for awhile, except for these threads. I know health is important to you, and yes, drinking certainly does interrupt that momentum in getting to your optimal health. I hope you maintain your abstinence goal, as it takes up too much room in our thoughts.

El, thank you dear. I really appreciate your encouragement. I will not discount it. As I said to Petrel, I need to keep my nose out of lots of reading the wrong stuff. I can't fit the mold of a modder. I'm on this AF journey with you!

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Loved this post from LB...Thanks LB.

When I first had my daughter She was so fragile. And tiny. I actually guarded her with my life. Never letting her out of my sight. She was so small I didn't give her a full on bath until after the first month. It was a 24 hour vigilence.
At about 6 weeks I started feeling a little more confident and I started to sleep a little. This confidence increased again around 6 months, and again at 9 months. At 13 months she began to walk and talk....
And so time passed.
Now she is a 30 year old woman, strong and independant.
I still call to check on her everyday. To see if she is ok.
Do you need anything, I ask.
As a small infant she was ill with a slightcold at about 3 months. I became afraid she was unable to breath. So we loaded up and went to the ER where they laughed at me.
But I was reassured. I always had an emergency plan. Fever? Tylenol. Teething? Orajel.
And as with all babies she fussed and cried when things weren't right with her world. Sometimes she even screamed bloody murder.
Everyone knows that frantic, top of the lungs baby scream that you would do anything humanly possible to stop.
My quit is my baby.
In the early days I watched over it and cared for it as a new infant. I was terrified. It was so new. Time passed one day at a time. 6 weeks. I began to feel confident. 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, as each milestone passed, so my quit grew and became stronger. I am now at 16 months and it is just finding its feet.
I still watch over it and guide it carefully. It's my baby. To me my quit is my life.
Sometimes my quit fusses and cries. I know this is my addictive voice.
I use reading and posting here on MWO like I use to use bottles and clean diapers to stop the fusses. And rocking and comforting can be compared to healthy diet and exercising.
All of this care and yet there are still times my quit screams bloody murder.
This is where my 911 emergency plans comes in.
My 911 plan
1. Post drinking thoughts and wait for reply before drinking.
2. A list of people to e-mail, text, or call. Several MWO members on that list.
3. Get into the car immediatly and drive to daughters. Or DEMAND she come to my house immediately.
I am dedicated to raising my quit to a healthy adult, but I will always check on it daily.
Do you need anything?

[Petrelhead]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo;1692521 wrote: Petrel,
I saw you're back in the nest. I'm glad you made that choice. Struggling between modding and abstinence should be a no-brainer for me as I never succeeded with the modding. I start reading too much on something that isn't for me and I try and make myself fit that mold, and it just doesn't work. I should probably keep my head out of all reading for awhile, except for these threads. I know health is important to you, and yes, drinking certainly does interrupt that momentum in getting to your optimal health. I hope you maintain your abstinence goal, as it takes up too much room in our thoughts.

!

Thanks j-vo. Yes I think reading these threads on this forum is the best material for us now, and in the future. I think that constant reinforcement of the negative aspects of Al is a powerful tool in keeping us on track in what we know is the best decision.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

Yep, it's an ongoing healthy part of recovery...to stay in tune with your thoughts and feelings and stay connected with your support group. NS recognizes when I'm quiet. Actually, I think she recognizes it before I do! And she's always right. I'm pretty transparent with how I'm feeling so now I must catch what's going on in my head before someone else does. But that's the great thing about people that know you here and why a support group is so necessary.

[Petrelhead]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

j-vo, I think too we also need to monitor ourselves and be honest. This time I hope that I'm making the decision for positive reasons: health and happiness. Instead of previously for the negative reasons: escaping guilt and depression. I didn't drink excessively this last few weeks, and only on weekends. So I don't have those negative depressing thoughts.

I want to stay focused on sobriety for my happiness. Not to escape darkness and depression. One day at a time though. No complacency.

[j-vo]

Just Starting Out...for the thousandth time

That's where the fine line comes in. Drinking too much or even some can bring back depression. I've had severe depression almost my whole adult life. Once I quit drinking in October, the depression, in addition to anxiety was lifted at least by 75%. I know if I want to be happy, then alcohol cannot be a part of my life, and there's too much at stake. But you're right. I do want to focus as well on the positives. But we can't forget the negatives of where it might take us if we begin to moderately drink, then fall into more drinking every now and then. I need to monitor my thoughts and my anxiety. I've also dealt with severe anxiety and when my I leave too much shit in my head, it spirals out of control, then I drink. Have to be extremely vigilant about this. And yep, Petrel, one day at a time.