I feel like it is always the same

[betterbrighterdays]

I have had issues with alcohol for many years. I have always pretty much drank to get drunk or buzzed. My mom had a lot of issues with alcohol for most of my life (she no longer drinks), and I guess I just followed suit.

I quit drinking for a few months here and there. This past year I have been focused on running and being healthy, but it has also been a horrible year for me. So many things have happened- custody battle, huge amounts of debt, large amounts of stress, car troubles, and I am trying to finish up a degree (which I am just completely burnt out on, but am in a bind with having to complete it), and I sometimes feel like I am barely functioning. Just overwhelmed, ya know?

I know alcohol sucks. I really do. I always feel like crap when I drink, even if I just have 4 or so. The problem I have is that when I do drink, it is usually at least a 6 pack, if not double that. I had a bad day yesterday and drank about 12 beers. I am embarrassed, and feel like shit. Am super tempted just to go drink another beer to take the edge off. This anxiety and guilt really sucks. I have been on the verge of tears most of the day. I can't sleep, so I am just stuck here with my shame and guilt.

I don't drink all of the time. I have been drinking more the past couple of weeks because the stress in my life has just came to a head. I would like to never drink because it might make me feel better for a short amount of time, but it's really not worth the aftermath.

I know better. I really do. I am a registered nurse, and I see what happens when people drink too much. I see it with myself. I also relapsed on smoking, so now I have two issues I need to deal with. Ugh. I was doing so great with not drinking or smoking this past year until September.

My son doesn't like it when I drink. He doesn't see much of it (the behavior), but he asks me not to buy beer. Mostly that is my own fault because I have made negative comments about drinking so many times.

I'm in limbo right now with so many things in my life, and I know that is why I am drinking more, but it's not the answer. I don't like who I am the next day. I feel extreme self-loathing, and I feel like a complete loser. I am gaining so much weight, I don't feel good about myself, I have quit exercising since I started smoking again (hard to run when you're smoking!), and I just feel so alone. I think more than anything, feeling lonely kills me. Usually when I drink I am a chatty Kathy, and it's easier for me to connect or want to.

I just don't feel well. I haven't wanted to post on these forums... not sure why, just haven't been ready.

[Suesue]

I feel like it is always the same

Well good for you for posting. You realise you have a problem and alcohol is not working for you. That's the first step. Don't be too hard on yourself. Make a new plan cut out the booze and cigs and get training again. You can do it. Tomorrow is another day. You can make it better make a fresh start.

[Byrdlady]

I feel like it is always the same

BetterBrighter, I saw you over in the newbie's nest already, so you found that...it's a busy place with lots on interaction, so you'll see in short order that you are NOT alone...we ALL feel just like you do....we drink to be social, yet are in isolation because of it. It's quite a cycle, but you CAN get out of it! You are in the right place to do it!
Be sure to check out the Tool Box, link in my signature line...there are 100's of tips a coping skills to help you! Read all you can, there are 7 years of history in this site!! I'm glad you decided to post and make it 'real'. There's just no good end to the story as long as AL is involved...we can help you get it out of the equation! Welcome aboard!! Byrdie

[betterbrighterdays]

I feel like it is always the same

Thanks, SueSue.

I just feel lose and disappointed in myself. Tired of acting stupid, feeling so much guilt and anxiety, and spending so much money. I am so depressed.

I am going to read some more on this site, and try to come up with a plan for myself.

[Wine-no!]

I feel like it is always the same

You can end this cycle! I know it seems so hard to make that decision (having been in your position 7 weeks ago) but you will be so happy you did! Ditching the booze means ditching a lot of negative thoughts and self-talk. You sound ready so go for it! You won't regret it! Hugs xx

[treetops]

I feel like it is always the same

Hi there BetterBrighter.
You are really beating yourself up about this aren't you? probably the hangover does not help - so treat yourself gently at the moment. Don't have a beer to take the edge of. Drink lots of water or tea or other non AL drinks and eat well if you can. Try to rest even if its lying down (I feel silly telling a nurse this!)
Tacking the booze is the first step - quitting cigs and dieting/exercise can follow - but I suggest you don't try to do a complete overhaul at once. Make reclaiming your health and sanity through being sober the No 1.goal. It sounds like you also have enough other stress to deal with in your life as well. Being sober will really help you with that too.

Take care and keep posting in the Newbies nest - you can do this!:welcome:

[betterbrighterdays]

I feel like it is always the same

LOL- nurses don't always take the best care of themselves, especially while working. It's nice to be on the receiving end of kind words and advice. I probably shouldn't have confessed my profession because it makes me feel a bit ridiculous.

In full disclosure, I did drink a beer. Okay, two. I couldn't handle the hangover, which is really the biggest reason why I can't handle drinking- it can't just be a physical hangover, it's also got to be an emotional downpour, filled with self-loathing. YUCK.

I am not going to try to tackle everything at once. Smoking will be harder for me than drinking. Lately I've been drinking alone, and I try to avoid going out for drinks with co-workers and schoolmates. When I was marathon training, that was super easy to get out of, but I seem to be surrounded a lot by a drinking culture, and it isn't always easy.

I am really impressed by this forum and the helpful people. It helps to know you're not alone.

[halo]

I feel like it is always the same

Better brighter days saw you at the nest just want you to know that you are most definitely not alone, so many of us have been exactly where you are now, but there is hope and change is possible. The many personal stories I have read on this site hit home, the MWO is a place where you can share all the angst you are experiencing, there is no judgement here which is what makes it so special.

No one is perfect, I just know that an AF life is a better life and we deserve a better life!

Wishing you well and here's to a better day

[MossRose]

I feel like it is always the same

Brighter - I said hi in the nest, but wanted to post here and let you know that we understand and NOTHING you say is ridiculous. If there is one thing I've learned from joining MWO is that honesty is the key to recovery. Period. I was so used to keeping secrets that I had to re-learn how to tell the truth. It's been liberating - scary - but liberating. Now, I can't stop. LOL.

I'm not a nurse, but I have dear friends in the profession, so I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are always taking care of others, and not used to letting other people carry you when you are tired or in need of love and support. Let us do that for you. So, you had a couple beers today. We've all done that in the beginning. But you stopped, and came back and posted. That gives me great hope for you. Great hope!! Post often. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. xx

[j-vo]

I feel like it is always the same

brighter, I can completely relate. Keep posting. You know how bad drinking makes you feel, so starting reading the toolbox on this site. It's very helpful, as all the answers are right there to remind us why we should not drink.

[eriegirl]

I feel like it is always the same

Hi Brighter. I read your story and am so there with you. Your honesty is so refreshing. I wish I could reach out and hug you. My start date is Tuesday. I will pray for both of us. We can do this.

[Pavati]

I feel like it is always the same

Hi,

I am new here, too. I understand the anxiety and wanting a beer just to take the edge off of a hangover. Once I realized that those 3:00am guilt/shame/remorse anxiety attacks were really just withdrawals, I started having a shot in the middle of the night sometimes just so I could sleep. Well, i could sleep (for about an hour an ounce) but still had to pass through those bad times later. The good news is that feeling goes away pretty quickly (I am on day 6). Of course, we have to win the mental game, too. I am a school administrator/ former teacher, and I know that there are plenty of abusers of alcohol in those helping professions. We have to learn to take care of ourselves, too.

You've come to a great place. I have found lots of support and kinship - we are not alone.

[scottish lass]

I feel like it is always the same

Hi brighter - you will find a fair few nurses here - I am an RN too, and have met a few of us here - I deal with transplant too and see people waiting for livers, and work with donors so see the results of drunk driving - so yes, we should know better - but we are humans too, and are good at the do as I say, not as I do version of coping...
Don't feel ridiculous - we are all in this togther...well done for coming here and joining in - it can only get better..:welcome:

[spiderwoman]

I feel like it is always the same

Hi Brighter, Pavati & eriegirl, don't beat yourselves up any more, I bet lots of other people have been doing that for you anyway. Getting through that first week is hell on legs so just do whatever it takes to manage that. As the others have said, keep reading, keep posting and this too shall pass, once you hit a week, then get into double figures of days you will start to feel much better, honest.

Sylv

[Queenbug]

I feel like it is always the same

BetterBrighter....just read this....so much resonates...especially custody battles and trying to get through a degree..and running...then not managing to run anymore...you are definately not alone. I finally got round to posting on My Story...I'm some years ahead of you I know but feel free to read it...and especially the lovely comments that followed....I'm saying to you to persevere....continue with your degree...you will feel AMAZING when you get it and even more so when you can clearly see the battles that you have gone through whilst working towards this goal. Everyone here totally understands the grip that AL has...and we are here to help you with trying to free yourself. Its not easy...but I'm sure you can see that it is possible. Hold on in there...stay close...get a plan....and try to take good care of yourself...wishing you all good things XXX